My Family

If you are new to this blog and want to read the entire story chronologically - please start in January with "Our Story, Part 1"

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Our Story, Part 20 - What is "best?"

Because we lived several hours from Ruth and Valorie, we didn’t have weekly or monthly visits but we kept in touch via e-mail or letters.

My three boys ~ I loved this age!

The following is part of an e-mail I sent to Valorie in January 2000, about nine months after Bryan came back to live with us:

“Bryan is very active and never seems to stop talking. He comes in my room in the morning and says ‘let’s just talk’ and then we talk about anything he has on his mind. At night when I tuck him in he says ‘mom, I’m glad I’m here.’ He understands everything so we just explain everything to him. He knows that Ruth signed papers for him to come live with us, and when we went and saw the judge Bryan said ‘now I get to be yours forever right?’

He knows that he has three grandmothers who love him very much, and I explained to him that he is very lucky to have so many people who love him. Whenever we go to Vernal and pass through Roosevelt (where Ruth lived at the time) he says, ‘I don’t want to stay here mom, I want to go back to Ogden,’ and I think he gets a little bit leery whenever I say we are going to Vernal, (where Valorie lived at the time), until I let him know that we will be coming with him and that he will be coming home with us.

Mykel and the boys!

Bryan hasn’t forgotten you, and I doubt he ever will. When he sees something that reminds him of you, he always tells me. He seems to just want to talk about everything for which I am grateful.”

As I alluded in my previous posts, I sometimes (okay, most of the time) did not know how to act about visitation and the open relationshiop we had with Ruth and Valorie. In February of that same year I sent another e-mail to Valorie. Reading it now sickens me because of what I wrote, but like I said before, I made many mistakes while trying to decide what was “best” for the boys.

February 6, 2000

Dear Valorie,

“We didn’t know going into this how things would turn out, how we would feel, how the children would feel and how you and Ruth would feel. It was a learning experience for all of us. At the beginning and throughout most of the adoption process I felt like I wouldn’t mind Bryan seeing you and seeing Ruth. But now that Bryan is in our home and part of our family my views have changed…. Bryan has already said to Cole ‘my mom didn’t want you so she gave you away.’ We don’t want them to feel that one was cared for more than the other. They all need to feel the same love and affection.

Bryan is now our son and we feel that we should do what is going to be in Bryan’s best interest. Bryan is thriving here, he is the happiest we have ever seen him. It is not fair to keep pulling him to two different sides.

Mykel with the boys in our backyard on Mother's Day

For now we feel that Bryan just needs to be with us and settle into our home. When he, Cole and Preston get older they can decide for themselves what they would like to do. I don’t think it is fair for us, or you, or Ruth to make that decision for them. We will be happy to still send pictures and e-mail to let you know how they are doing, but for now we feel that they shouldn’t see you or Ruth in person, or talk with you on the phone. It is too hard for Bryan and it is extremely hard on us.”

I think the last sentence says it all “it is extremely hard on us” mainly me, I was very selfish about being their only mother at that time and it was hard for me to share their affection. My emotions were very close to the surface and most of the time I was making decisions based on what would be best for me and my own feelings. I think I wrote the above e-mail in haste when Bryan made the comment to his younger brother Cole about Ruth not wanting him and giving him away.

The boys at Halloween! They still like to dress up with those masks!

About a week later I had changed my position on the whole deal (I do not stay mad/upset for very long). Valorie and I had been corresponding and writing each other about the story of the boys and how we met. I sent her my side of the story entitled “My Three Angels” and she sent me her side of the story ~ from there the lines of communication softened. We still kept in touch via e-mail and letters but there were no visits for several months. The following year Ruth and Valorie moved closer to us and in the spring of 2001, visitation started again.

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