After I had the miscarriage, I spent a lot of time questioning what would be best for my boys and how I felt about them seeing Ruth and Valorie. If you know me personally you know that I like to keep busy, it helps me cope with life…. if I have a lot going on I don’t over-analyze or second guess relationships or question things, I just deal with the most pressing issue at the moment (which isn’t always a good thing). It took Bryan making a simple statement for me to realize the gravity of the decisions I was making for their future:
April 5, 2001
Tonight while I was cleaning Bryan’s room he asked me “did you buy me from Ruthie? Did you get me for a good bargain at a garage sale?” Then he asked me “why did I come to live with you” and “why did I have to go back and live with Ruth?” I tried explaining everything the best I could and then he said “I want to go see my mom and grandma.”
April 15, 2001
Mykel and I had a good talk about the boys seeing their birthmother and grandma and we decided it would be best if they were able to see them and associate with them. Valorie came to see them last Saturday. Bryan was real excited when I told him she was coming. When she got here he started crying. He said “she looks different, she looks older” and “her voice changed.” She looked exactly the same to me, but Bryan had a hard time for the first 15 minutes or so. Cole and Preston just warmed right up. Preston sat on her lap and just talked. Cole asked “will you be my friend?” It was really neat to see them bond so well. Bryan had a hard time realizing that she wasn’t just “his” grandma. I think it will take a while for him to really understand that. Both Valorie and Ruth are coming down on Friday for “Grandparents Day” at Bryan’s school. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to seeing his birth mom.
April 5, 2001
Tonight while I was cleaning Bryan’s room he asked me “did you buy me from Ruthie? Did you get me for a good bargain at a garage sale?” Then he asked me “why did I come to live with you” and “why did I have to go back and live with Ruth?” I tried explaining everything the best I could and then he said “I want to go see my mom and grandma.”
April 15, 2001
Mykel and I had a good talk about the boys seeing their birthmother and grandma and we decided it would be best if they were able to see them and associate with them. Valorie came to see them last Saturday. Bryan was real excited when I told him she was coming. When she got here he started crying. He said “she looks different, she looks older” and “her voice changed.” She looked exactly the same to me, but Bryan had a hard time for the first 15 minutes or so. Cole and Preston just warmed right up. Preston sat on her lap and just talked. Cole asked “will you be my friend?” It was really neat to see them bond so well. Bryan had a hard time realizing that she wasn’t just “his” grandma. I think it will take a while for him to really understand that. Both Valorie and Ruth are coming down on Friday for “Grandparents Day” at Bryan’s school. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to seeing his birth mom.
“Many open adoption relationships have a warmth that comes from having shared a common difficulty - allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another human being, responding to that person’s vulnerability and being committed to a common goal,
that of the child. The birthparents may seem like good friends of the family,
gathering on holidays, or for the child’s birthday, and for other special
occasions just as families would do. Like all relationships, your open adoption
will have peaks and valleys. As you overcome each hurdle, you will learn what to
expect from each other and will gain confidence in your ability to make the
relationship work.” Credits: Adoption Network Law Center
April 21, 2001
Ruth and Valorie showed up to my house right before the program started and I went with them to Bryan’s school. I was nervous about how Bryan would react when he saw Ruth. When we walked in the door of his class he just smiled and waved to us. He came over and talked to Ruth and Valorie and I think he handled the situation rather well. He was the “gingerbread boy” in his program. It was a neat little program that they performed for “Grandparents Day”. I think Valorie was especially excited to see him and be invited to his special day at school. I think Ruth had a good time as well.
Ruth and Valorie showed up to my house right before the program started and I went with them to Bryan’s school. I was nervous about how Bryan would react when he saw Ruth. When we walked in the door of his class he just smiled and waved to us. He came over and talked to Ruth and Valorie and I think he handled the situation rather well. He was the “gingerbread boy” in his program. It was a neat little program that they performed for “Grandparents Day”. I think Valorie was especially excited to see him and be invited to his special day at school. I think Ruth had a good time as well.
Bryan, Ruth and Valorie at Bryan's school for "Grandparent's Day" 2001
We all ate lunch with Bryan and his class and then went back home. Cole and Preston aren’t really aware who Valorie and Ruth really are but they enjoyed their company. Ruth brought them each a present to open for their birthday. I think Bryan was a little jealous because he didn’t open a present, although Ruth gave him a card and some stickers for Easter.
A lot of people are wondering why I would allow Ruth and Valorie to see them, but I feel like “why not?” It would be selfish for me to try and keep them to myself. I love my boys dearly but I am sure that Ruth and Valorie love them as well. It would break my heart if they were not part of my life. I am just thankful Ruth was willing to let them be my boys. I believe she had a much greater sacrifice by far. I just needed time to get attached to the boys and for them to feel comfortable around me. I think they know that I am their “mom” but I am sure that Ruth will always hold a special place in their hearts.
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