Hard questions

The other night my 4-year-old daughter was getting on her teenage brother’s nerves. My son made the comment… “can’t we just give her away and let someone else adopt her?” He was completely serious as if it was a viable and available option.

It reminded me of a discussion that he and I had a few years earlier when he asked me if someone else could adopt him. He was worried that if I didn’t want him that I could just give him to someone else. His comment and question really made me think of the numerous questions my children have with regards to placement, adoption, biological parents and their own situation.

I tried my best to explain to my son that, no; I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to adopt him and that he was my son forever. This was a hard question to answer because of course he wondered how he could be placed in our family and adopted and that it couldn’t happen again. He knew his older brother was placed and then taken back and then placed again… such a confusing time!

I think about all these questions and I realize that when my children were young and I was dealing with the day to day struggles of parenting, placement, home studies, etc., I had no idea how/if/when I would have to deal with these inquiries.

I am grateful that we have been very open with our children with regards to their birth parents, their placement in our home and their own individual stories, it has made these discussions easier, but there are still questions that are hard to answer. It is almost weekly that we have talks about their birth mother, their birth father(s) and even their biological uncles, aunts and grandparents. I don’t have all the answers, but quite honestly, what parent does?

I don’t know any other families who are in an open adoption, much less any who have teenagers right now, so here are a few things that have helped me over the last decade:

(If any one has any suggestions/ideas that have worked for them, please feel free to share!)

Validate the question(s), it is okay to have questions.

Reaffirm your love for them as an individual and as your child - Sometimes my children were hesitant to ask me questions about their birth mother because they didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” if they were talking about their “other mom.” I will admit that when my boys were first placed with us, I did feel jealous of their mother, I felt I was being compared on every level with her. I don’t feel that way now; I feel that she and I both have significant and independent roles to play in their lives.


Be honest – I try to answer their questions to the best of my ability, but sometimes I don’t have an answer to their question(s). If they ask a question and want an answer right away, I do my best, but sometimes after I have time to think about their question and my answer, I may go back and tell them that I didn’t answer their question properly. I have told my older boys, “I don’t have a parental instruction manual, I am learning just like they are and I am not always right!”

Love them unconditionally.

So blessed to be a mom!

Family Matters – the resemblance is uncanny!

I have read many articles and books that suggest that adopted children often wonder who they look like and where they got certain characteristics. I have often wondered myself who my children resemble; their mother or their father’s side and where they got their nice noses, eyes and face shape, etc. I know my children look similar to my husband and I, many if not all people I meet would have no idea that my children are adopted, but I also believe it is important for my children to find out where they got their inherited characteristics.

Ruth and Aubrey sharing a moment looking at pictures

(Aubrey put the beautiful flowers in Ruth's hair)

My son Cole has been writing his biological mother (Ruth) for the past several months and apparently he facilitated meeting Ruth’s brothers and sister (my children’s biological aunt and uncles). I was excited to see them again because it has been over six years since we last met and obviously the children have all changed, Ava was only one and Aubrey wasn't even born at the time of our last meeting. We even met one of their cousins and he was absolutely adorable with Aubrey!

Ava, Ruth and Aubrey

On July 5th we were able to facilitate a meeting - it was an amazing visit! Our time together couldn’t have gone any better. We all met for lunch and then went to meet my children’s (birth) mother Ruth. We sat on the front porch of a house for about three hours and visited, took pictures, laughed and got to know each other better; it was all so comfortable, just like being with family should be.

And you can definitely see where my children get their good looks; they absolutely look like their uncles! I can’t wait for the next visit!

Our Story, Part 36 - The Meeting

The meeting was scheduled for early afternoon. It seemed like the longest morning of my life! I kept reading and revising the letter I made for Ava’s birth father and the rest of the time I paced the floor (literally). I was so scared and worried about what would happen....running all the different scenarios through my head.

I finally got Ava ready and took her over to my friend’s house. I put her car seat in the back of my friend’s little red Honda and buckled her in. I kept telling my friends “call me as soon as you know something, the INSTANT the meeting is over!” I then stood on the front lawn and watched them drive away with my little Ava girl. I kept having these nightmares that it would be the last time I saw her or something drastic like that…

The next two hours were shear torture wondering how things were going (I was prone to imagine the worst). I was basically useless as a human being. I just sat on my couch and tried to read, I had already cleaned my entire house so there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait, willing the phone to ring with any news.

True to their word, the minute they left the meeting my friends called me. Here is my recollection of what they told me:

When they first got there they met with Ava’s birth father and his mother and brother (and his brother’s girlfriend). They commented on how well Ava looked and “how well Ruth had been taking such good care of her.” They said at first everyone acted rather distant and unapproachable…. Then they gave the letter and album to Ava’s birth father. He left the group to go for a walk and to read the letter privately. My friend then gave Ava’s grandmother the picture album that I had been inspired to prepare for her.

A short while later Ava’s birth father came back and asked his mother to read the letter. My friend’s said that after they were finished reading the letter the mood and spirit of the group completely changed and everyone warmed up considerably. All of a sudden they had a million questions for my friends about us, they wanted to know about Ava, they wanted to know what kind of people we were, about her other siblings, if we were religious and everything else they could think of. They looked through the pictures I had given them (of course I gave them the most adorable pictures of Ava when she was happy and smiling), and they commented on how happy she looked.

Ava during the meeting.... sitting on the lap of her grandmother.

They took some pictures of Ava with their Polaroid camera and since a Wal-mart was conveniently located across the street from the McDonald’s, my friends went and made copies for me (I knew I sent the right people for the job, I couldn’t have asked for better advocates! I am so grateful they took the time to do this for me and my family!)

I asked my friends what they remembered of that day and this is what one of them wrote: “I remember being somewhat nervous… what if meeting [Ava’s birth father] didn’t go smooth or peaceful? But to my delight, it did! I can’t remember any of the conversation. Maybe we didn’t talk much. I remember [Ava’s birth father] laying eyes on Ava and I’m sure it was a surreal feeling for him.”

At the end of the meeting Ava’s birth father told my friends that he would consider allowing Ava to be adopted, he just needed a few days to think about it. He said he would call me in the next few days with his answer (I had left my phone number in the letter). My friends said he seemed positive and open to the possibility of allowing Ava to be part of our family….. YEAH! I started jumping around my living room after I got off the phone with my friends. Now I just had a few more days to wait for another phone call... and I had to call Ruth and tell her what happened at the meeting and about my decision to tell Ava's birth father that she was living with us...

Our Story, Part 23 - Visitation

After I had the miscarriage, I spent a lot of time questioning what would be best for my boys and how I felt about them seeing Ruth and Valorie. If you know me personally you know that I like to keep busy, it helps me cope with life…. if I have a lot going on I don’t over-analyze or second guess relationships or question things, I just deal with the most pressing issue at the moment (which isn’t always a good thing). It took Bryan making a simple statement for me to realize the gravity of the decisions I was making for their future:

April 5, 2001
Tonight while I was cleaning Bryan’s room he asked me “did you buy me from Ruthie? Did you get me for a good bargain at a garage sale?” Then he asked me “why did I come to live with you” and “why did I have to go back and live with Ruth?” I tried explaining everything the best I could and then he said “I want to go see my mom and grandma.”

April 15, 2001
Mykel and I had a good talk about the boys seeing their birthmother and grandma and we decided it would be best if they were able to see them and associate with them. Valorie came to see them last Saturday. Bryan was real excited when I told him she was coming. When she got here he started crying. He said “she looks different, she looks older” and “her voice changed.” She looked exactly the same to me, but Bryan had a hard time for the first 15 minutes or so. Cole and Preston just warmed right up. Preston sat on her lap and just talked. Cole asked “will you be my friend?” It was really neat to see them bond so well. Bryan had a hard time realizing that she wasn’t just “his” grandma. I think it will take a while for him to really understand that. Both Valorie and Ruth are coming down on Friday for “Grandparents Day” at Bryan’s school. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to seeing his birth mom.

“Many open adoption relationships have a warmth that comes from having shared a common difficulty - allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another human being, responding to that person’s vulnerability and being committed to a common goal,
that of the child. The birthparents may seem like good friends of the family,
gathering on holidays, or for the child’s birthday, and for other special
occasions just as families would do. Like all relationships, your open adoption
will have peaks and valleys. As you overcome each hurdle, you will learn what to
expect from each other and will gain confidence in your ability to make the
relationship work.” Credits: Adoption Network Law Center

April 21, 2001
Ruth and Valorie showed up to my house right before the program started and I went with them to Bryan’s school. I was nervous about how Bryan would react when he saw Ruth. When we walked in the door of his class he just smiled and waved to us. He came over and talked to Ruth and Valorie and I think he handled the situation rather well. He was the “gingerbread boy” in his program. It was a neat little program that they performed for “Grandparents Day”. I think Valorie was especially excited to see him and be invited to his special day at school. I think Ruth had a good time as well.

Bryan, Ruth and Valorie at Bryan's school for "Grandparent's Day" 2001

We all ate lunch with Bryan and his class and then went back home. Cole and Preston aren’t really aware who Valorie and Ruth really are but they enjoyed their company. Ruth brought them each a present to open for their birthday. I think Bryan was a little jealous because he didn’t open a present, although Ruth gave him a card and some stickers for Easter.

A lot of people are wondering why I would allow Ruth and Valorie to see them, but I feel like “why not?” It would be selfish for me to try and keep them to myself. I love my boys dearly but I am sure that Ruth and Valorie love them as well. It would break my heart if they were not part of my life. I am just thankful Ruth was willing to let them be my boys. I believe she had a much greater sacrifice by far. I just needed time to get attached to the boys and for them to feel comfortable around me. I think they know that I am their “mom” but I am sure that Ruth will always hold a special place in their hearts.

Our Story, Part 20 - What is "best?"

Because we lived several hours from Ruth and Valorie, we didn’t have weekly or monthly visits but we kept in touch via e-mail or letters.

My three boys ~ I loved this age!

The following is part of an e-mail I sent to Valorie in January 2000, about nine months after Bryan came back to live with us:

“Bryan is very active and never seems to stop talking. He comes in my room in the morning and says ‘let’s just talk’ and then we talk about anything he has on his mind. At night when I tuck him in he says ‘mom, I’m glad I’m here.’ He understands everything so we just explain everything to him. He knows that Ruth signed papers for him to come live with us, and when we went and saw the judge Bryan said ‘now I get to be yours forever right?’

He knows that he has three grandmothers who love him very much, and I explained to him that he is very lucky to have so many people who love him. Whenever we go to Vernal and pass through Roosevelt (where Ruth lived at the time) he says, ‘I don’t want to stay here mom, I want to go back to Ogden,’ and I think he gets a little bit leery whenever I say we are going to Vernal, (where Valorie lived at the time), until I let him know that we will be coming with him and that he will be coming home with us.

Mykel and the boys!

Bryan hasn’t forgotten you, and I doubt he ever will. When he sees something that reminds him of you, he always tells me. He seems to just want to talk about everything for which I am grateful.”

As I alluded in my previous posts, I sometimes (okay, most of the time) did not know how to act about visitation and the open relationshiop we had with Ruth and Valorie. In February of that same year I sent another e-mail to Valorie. Reading it now sickens me because of what I wrote, but like I said before, I made many mistakes while trying to decide what was “best” for the boys.

February 6, 2000

Dear Valorie,

“We didn’t know going into this how things would turn out, how we would feel, how the children would feel and how you and Ruth would feel. It was a learning experience for all of us. At the beginning and throughout most of the adoption process I felt like I wouldn’t mind Bryan seeing you and seeing Ruth. But now that Bryan is in our home and part of our family my views have changed…. Bryan has already said to Cole ‘my mom didn’t want you so she gave you away.’ We don’t want them to feel that one was cared for more than the other. They all need to feel the same love and affection.

Bryan is now our son and we feel that we should do what is going to be in Bryan’s best interest. Bryan is thriving here, he is the happiest we have ever seen him. It is not fair to keep pulling him to two different sides.

Mykel with the boys in our backyard on Mother's Day

For now we feel that Bryan just needs to be with us and settle into our home. When he, Cole and Preston get older they can decide for themselves what they would like to do. I don’t think it is fair for us, or you, or Ruth to make that decision for them. We will be happy to still send pictures and e-mail to let you know how they are doing, but for now we feel that they shouldn’t see you or Ruth in person, or talk with you on the phone. It is too hard for Bryan and it is extremely hard on us.”

I think the last sentence says it all “it is extremely hard on us” mainly me, I was very selfish about being their only mother at that time and it was hard for me to share their affection. My emotions were very close to the surface and most of the time I was making decisions based on what would be best for me and my own feelings. I think I wrote the above e-mail in haste when Bryan made the comment to his younger brother Cole about Ruth not wanting him and giving him away.

The boys at Halloween! They still like to dress up with those masks!

About a week later I had changed my position on the whole deal (I do not stay mad/upset for very long). Valorie and I had been corresponding and writing each other about the story of the boys and how we met. I sent her my side of the story entitled “My Three Angels” and she sent me her side of the story ~ from there the lines of communication softened. We still kept in touch via e-mail and letters but there were no visits for several months. The following year Ruth and Valorie moved closer to us and in the spring of 2001, visitation started again.

Our Story, Part 18 - Ruth

A few years ago we were driving in the car and out of the blue Preston said “I wonder how Ruth is doing and if she is okay.” The boys periodically ask how she is doing and wonder if she is happy, but the amazing thing about Preston asking that day was that it was actually Ruth’s birthday. I had spoken with her a few days before (Preston was unaware that she and I had talked on the phone) so I was able to give him an honest answer about her welfare (and she was having a hard time).

On Christmas Eve 2007, we were only living about a half-hour away from Ruth so we made plans to meet for dinner. The restaurant was fairly quiet so we were able to sit around a large table and just let the kids enjoy the meal and talk to Ruth. We took some pictures and the kids gave her some gifts they had made and bought, but the best part of the night was when we were all walking back to our cars after the meal. Mykel took the little girls and put them in our van, but Bryan, Cole and Preston walked with Ruth and I up the block to her parked car. It had been snowing and her windows were covered with a thick layer. The boys cleaned the snow off her car and then gave her the presents they had brought.


Cole then asked Ruth “are you lonely?” Cole is always concerned that Ruth is sad because they don’t live with her. We talk about that a lot and I try to ease their concerns by letting them know that “yes, Ruth does miss you, but she knows that you are happy and that makes her happy.” That might seem like a trite answer, but I don’t think I am the person to fully answer that question.

The other day my 6-year-old daughter Ava was looking at the pictures on my blog. Suddenly she got all excited and said “I know her! I know her! (pointing to the pictures) She is my birth mom, that is RUTH!”
The children all seem to have a special connection with Ruth, like a sixth sense to know when she is having a hard time in life or may be sad, because it seems like they will ask me questions about her during those times. I am amazed by this unbreakable bond.

I talked to Ruth before I started this blog to let her know what I was doing and if she would be okay with me using her name and her pictures. I also asked her if she ever wanted to comment on my blog that she was free to do so. I told her she can be as open and honest as she wanted to about how she felt and this is the response I received yesterday:

It is good to read Camille's blogs, to see things from her perspective, which has been healing for me. It wasn't easy placing the kids, any of them, for adoption. I wanted what was best for them; I knew that with Mykel and Camille that they would have much better, much happier lives than they would with me as a single mom. Camille and Mykel have been great about letting me see the kids, to be a part of their lives, which has also made placing the kids easier because I knew that I could still see them from time to time, that the kids weren’t totally gone, I would know how they are doing, I would never question if they were ok, if they were happy. I am glad that we have an open adoption, I am so thankful to Camille and Mykel for letting me be a part of their lives.

No, I didn’t pay her to write those things, she is honestly that sweet and kind. The amazing thing about Ruth is that I still get cards in the mail from her or e-mails and she is always thanking ME.

Here is an example of a simple, sweet note she wrote to me in November 2008:

Camille, I thank Heavenly Father for you and the kids. ~Ruth

I could never thank her enough for blessing my life so abundantly and allowing me to be a mother.

Our Story, Part 17 - "Open" adoption

After Bryan came back to live with us permanently we had to figure out where the boundaries were with Ruth and how “open” we wanted this adoption to be. I have to admit that I have made many mistakes during the process of this birth parent/adoptive parent relationship, first because of my own ignorance for Ruth’s feelings and second because I listened to other people’s advice instead of listening to my gut. For a time I took the advice that “we should just move on with our lives” (which would mean not letting Ruth visit the boys). I played into that unsolicited advice when Bryan first came back because I thought it would be too confusing for Bryan. Preston and Cole were so young they really didn’t know who Ruth was compared to me. Yes they called me “mom,” but they would still go to anybody else and not worry about who was holding them or feeding them, they were just happy to be loved.

Mykel with Cole and Preston 1999

In Bryan’s case he had been back and forth between Ruth and I so many times he was probably wondering where to call home and who to call “mom.” Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I realize now that my motive for not allowing Ruth to see the boys was because of my own insecurities as their mother. I was jealous of the competition to put it bluntly. I couldn’t see at the time that Ruth was missing them terribly, especially Bryan. I mean, she had been Bryan’s mother for the first three years of his life and Valorie had a special relationship with him as his grandmother, so how can taking that all away be good for anyone? Ruth and Valorie told me they only wanted to make sure that the boys knew that they still loved them and had not abandoned them ~ who can fault them for that? As time went on distance also became a factor in how often they could visit as we lived several hours away from each other.

Out on the farm

As I explained in one of my earlier posts, this wasn’t the normal adoption or normal adoption relationship, but it was the only one we knew. People have been very complimentary about my parenting skills since I started writing this blog, but I am the first to admit that I am definitely NOT the perfect mother ~ patience is a learned skill that I am still working to achieve!

The first few years with the boys I really struggled. Contrary to popular belief, adoptive parents aren’t the perfect parents marketing ads and commercials make them out to be. Mykel and I were far from the role model parents. We had marital and financial struggles, we definitely weren’t rich, and who was to say that we were any more qualified than the next person to raise these boys? We were just blessed to cross paths at the right time with Ruth and the results of this "open" adoption relationship have been more than we could ever ask for.

Cole, Preston, Bryan and Camille (me)

Even though life was very stressful during the time before Bryan’s adoption was finalized, I have a lot of good memories with the boys. One of my favorite memories is when I would tuck them in at night, they liked me to do the “Chicken Dance” with them – we would speed up the song and dance really fast and then fall to the ground laughing. I haven’t tried that with my girls yet….and trust me, no one wants to see me dance.

I have told my children several times “parents don’t have an instruction manual about how to raise their children, we have to learn as we go along and we make mistakes.” Fortunately for me, Ruth and I were able to make things work with this “open” adoption relationship ~ the adoption of the three boys was just the beginning of this amazing journey that has been over twelve years in the making.

Our Story, Part 6 - Bittersweet

I didn’t want to even mention the next part of the story because it is so painful for everyone, but if I don’t mention it, the rest of the story won’t make sense.

Suffice it to say that Bryan went back to Ruth after he had been with us for a little less than two months. We saw him several times during the next year and then 14 months later Ruth called me and asked if Bryan could come live with us again. She said “Bryan says he wants to come live with his real family.”

I went and picked him up the next day.

When Bryan first lived with us we had a small fish tank. One day Bryan said “the fish are all sleeping.” Apparently he and his cousin Dylon put fingernail polish in the fish tank. I tell this story because when I went and picked up Bryan after 14 months of being gone, (and I was fumbling with what to say to him) he mentioned this story to me and said“do you remember when I put fingernail polish with the fish?”

Bryan has always had a phenomenal memory and even at 3 years old he was able to recall all of his biological aunts and uncles names and his uncle’s girlfriend’s name and places back East he had visited with them.

He still has amazing recall about anything he has seen or read.

Bryan and his cousin looking at the "sleeping fish"

I need to note that the relationship between us and the biological family was in its infancy at this stage. Neither of us had a handbook or set of parameters about how we should act or what the correct protocol was. The adoption was being handled privately and not through an agency, so we didn’t have set guidelines about what we should or shouldn’t do.

The last 12 years have definitely been a learning experience for all of us.

Cole and Ruth during a visit in May 2002

The following is a letter from my children’s biological grandmother after the boys’ adoptions were finalized: (Printed with her permission)

“Another family became interested in adopting the boys and they flew their daughter from Texas to meet the boys and Ruth. They fell in love with the kids right away and started bringing Ruth nice things and trying to win her friendship. (Meanwhile Ruth had broken her leg in two or three places by falling on the ice in December). It had become my job to take care of my own children at my apartment, take care of Bryan, Cole and Ruth at their apartment, and try to get the boys ready and dressed and off to a baby-sitter so I could go to work each day. As the main worker and child advocate in the case, I was ready to place the boys anywhere they could be happy and have a good life which I thought they deserved. I felt that neither Ruth nor I could supply all their needs and at that point the concern for their welfare was great.

Preston and Ruth in May 2002

Here is where the next major step in the miracle began….an attorney contacted Ruth and said there were other people interested in the adoption, and we might as well meet with the prospective parents…..Mykel and Camille Henrie! That was all it took! The other people were not even in the running once I met the Henries! When they arrived at Ruth’s apartment to meet her and the boys, the decision was made in my heart. Bryan climbed up on the couch and sat right by Camille. I never saw two people look more alike than those two! It felt right and appeared right. The rest of the story is so complicated and took two years, but it is a story that can certainly be told from many perspectives.

The long process of convincing Ruth was the hardest part. She wanted to keep all three of the boys very much. I kept talking and talking and pointing out how much difficulty she was having trying to take care of all their needs and make them happy. She gradually saw that she was not able to provide all they needed and one by one let them go….though it was a very hard decision to make.

Bryan with Ruth (his birth mother) and Valorie (his biological grandmother) during a kindergarten performance of The Gingerbread Man. I love this picture!

We all cried many, many times over the boys parting. If I could convey one message to the three boys, it would be to never think that you were not wanted by your birth family, because you were wanted a lot, and loved a lot; we all just wanted the very best for you which we were not able to provide for several reasons.

WE STILL LOVE YOU!”

Our Story, Part 1 - Adoption?

Definition: An adoption that involves ongoing contact between birth and adoptive families, including visits. (http://www.adopting.org/adoptions/adoption-and-foster-care-glossary-open-adoption.html)

My husband and I had talked about adoption if we couldn’t get pregnant, but we decided we would only try adoption after we had tried on our own for 10 years. Well, after five years of trying on our own my father approached me (November 26, 1997) and said he knew someone who was contemplating placing their baby for adoption and would I be interested. I don’t think I even consulted Mykel (my husband) before I said “YES!”

My dad told me a little bit about the birth mother and also mentioned that she had two other children (ages 2 ½ and 8 months) but she wasn’t considering placing them, only the baby (she was expecting a third child, due in April).

At the time I worked for the county attorney (criminal law stuff) but one of the attorneys there had mentioned to me that if I ever decided to adopt he would be willing to do the adoption for us. I told him about the situation and he contacted the birth mother. He felt we should do a closed adoption, but I felt strongly that we should meet the birth mother in person (all these years later I am so glad I did). So, on December 22, 1997, we met our children’s birth mother for the first time. (Before that I had put together a little bio with pictures of Mykel and I to give to her so she would know a little bit about us).

Our attorney accompanied us, and during the visit we met our children’s biological grandmother, mother, and her two children. We had to walk up some stairs to get to the living room of the apartment, but when I looked over the edge of the stairs and saw Bryan and Cole for the first time I INSTANTLY fell in love with them. The youngest crawled up on my husband's lap and Mykel held his hands and he just bounced and bounced and stared intently in Mykel's eyes. Bryan (the oldest) sat between me and his biological grandma on the couch. I just wanted to reach out and touch his soft cheeks and hug his tiny body, but I refrained from being overly excited (it was really hard though!)

When I met my children’s birth mother for the first time I felt a strong connection to her, like I would my own sister, but my heart went out to her. Here I was, longing so much to have a baby to hold, to love, to kiss and hug, but yet to satisfy my longing, she would have to give up something so unbelievably impossible to give up.