The following are a few clips from my journal after we tried artificial insemination and were waiting to find out if I was pregnant: (I know reading from my journal is not every exciting, but humor me for a minute, this will all make sense when I get to the next part of the story about the adoption of my daughter Ava).
November 19, 2000
On one hand I really want to experience pregnancy and childbirth; but on the other I am completely happy with the three wonderful boys I have. They all want a little sister, so they are praying for one. I think Mykel would also like to experience the whole birth process and that excites him. I am trying hard not to get my hopes up, yet I find myself talking like I am already pregnant. I just pray that if it is not meant for me to conceive a child that I will be comforted and know this is God's will. I just don’t want to prevent any children from coming to our home if it is meant to be. That is not to say it hasn’t been stressful and very emotional getting my hopes up every month. I am always hoping – but last summer I found myself at a point where either I had a hysterectomy and left NO chance so I didn’t have to wonder, or did all that I could so I could say that I at least tried.
Bryan, Cole and Preston eating gumballs at the mall ~ February 2001
November 20, 2000
Yesterday Bryan asked me what the doctor did to help my tummy work. I tried to explain about the doctor taking part of Mykel and putting it inside me – he then asked “what part of daddy?” (That one was fun to explain!) Bryan keeps praying that we can have a baby sister. The other morning he and I were talking about what we would name a little sister. He said “Mary” so he could sing “Mary had a Little Lamb.” I told him I wanted to name her Mykalin and he said “mom, wasn’t Cole’s name already Michael?” I couldn’t believe he remembered that! He was only 2 ½ when we changed Cole’s name from Michael!
November 27, 2000
I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I thought I would be a lot more depressed but I actually feel at peace…. After the test was negative my mind was flooded with thoughts of the three beautiful children I do have and how much joy they bring to my life. I guess I have just come to appreciate them even more now. I think my biggest fear about getting pregnant is about how I will feel about my boys, I don’t want there to be a comparison with biological children, because my boys are MINE. I don’t want them to feel inferior at all. I think now I am more worried that I AM pregnant!
Preston eating his gumball, Cole in the background trying to get another one ~ February 2001
December 7, 2000
My computer has been down for two days and I am really behind on work (I did medical transcription at home), but it has been nice just spending more time with the boys. I marvel at the joy that each little smile brings to my life. I love being a mom to my little boys. I feel I must spend every minute with them and enjoy everything they bring to my life. I am comforted with the option of not giving birth to any children. I just feel blessed to be a mother. Each day I seem to enjoy even more with my boys. I love when Preston lets me hold him cheek to cheek and they all crawl up on my lap to hear a story. Whenever I go anywhere or leave the room Cole has to give me about 5 hugs and kisses. He loves to be held and kissed. Today Bryan and I were making a Christmas calendar and he looked at me and said “I know who I love – YOU mom!” I love him too! We were watching the movie “BIG” where a boy (Tom Hanks) goes to a carnival and makes a wish at a machine that he is big. Well Bryan said “I wish we had a machine to get wishes” so I asked him what he would wish for and he said “I wish that your tummy could work so we could have a little sister!”
January 11, 2001
I keep having this pain on my right side. I thought it might be my appendix, but it hasn’t gotten worse. It has awakened me a couple of times and I feel it daily but I don’t know what is wrong.
January 31, 2001
My side has still been hurting and I don’t what it is. Maybe I’ll go and get it checked.
February 5, 2001
I went to the doctor today to find out what is wrong. They took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE, but the pain I am having isn’t normal. I have to go tomorrow and get an ultrasound done to find out if it is an ectopic pregnancy. My stomach has been really hurting so I don’t know what is going on. I am a little scared and sad at the same time. I am amazed that I am pregnant, but knowing that if it is an ectopic pregnancy and that the fetus will die is hard to deal with. I guess I will find out more tomorrow.
February 6, 2001
I scheduled an ultrasound with my OB/GYN. They weren’t able to see anything except that my endometrium is getting thicker, which is a good sign. I had to get my blood drawn again so they could check the HCG level. I took the blood test at 11 a.m. and I got the results back at 3:30. I was on the phone with the nurse (my mom was sitting next to me and Mykel walked in the door from work) when I got the good news. The test showed I was definitely pregnant. I have to take another test in two days to make sure the hormones are doubling to make sure it is not ectopic. I am so glad it has taken this long to get pregnant otherwise I might not have my wonderful little boys! They are going to be so excited!!!
When I picked Bryan up from school his teacher said to me “doesn’t he just have the sweetest disposition? He is so lovable!” It is amazing how my feelings for the boys have increased since I found out I was pregnant. I appreciate them even more. My heart just aches sometimes because I love them so much. My Father in Heaven has blessed me so much, it is truly remarkable! I know he has a plan for each one of us and he is acutely aware of our needs and the desires of our hearts. Life is wonderful!