My Family

If you are new to this blog and want to read the entire story chronologically - please start in January with "Our Story, Part 1"

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Our Story, Part 16 - "You got your kids the EASY way!"

I didn’t post yesterday because I wanted to take some time and watch the video footage I took from when I first got all three boys. There is nothing like home videos to help you remember the little things you’ve forgotten over the years. People are right when they say kids grow up too fast. I loved seeing them so small!

Until I watched the video I hadn’t remembered that Bryan spent Easter weekend with us before he came back permanently. I knew that we spent a day or two with him (I have pictures of all three boys in the tub during that break), but I forgot that he actually got to come to our house in Ogden and stay for a while. I don’t remember what it felt like to see him leave; in fact I don’t even remember who picked him up and took him back to Ruth. I think at that point I was numb to all the coming and going. I can only imagine how confusing it was for a three-year-old.

Preston, Cole and Bryan during Easter Vacation - 1999

After Bryan came to live with us we spent the next six months getting ready for his adoption to be finalized (and adjusting to being a family of five!) We had to meet with the social worker again (luckily we had the same one so we didn’t have to answer all the probing questions this time) and complete another home study. It still felt weird to have someone watch us interact with our children to see if we were fit parents or not. Those visits were never really comfortable; tolerable, but not comfortable. I felt that if there was one thing out of place in my house or if the children did something wrong then it would lessen our possibility of the adoption being finalized. Those visits were very stressful!

But being a new mom with three little boys also brought different challenges. Because the boys were so close in age, when I had all three of them together in a grocery cart people would ask “are they triplets?” or “don’t you know what birth control is?” or “are they ALL yours?” or “Wow! They are really close in age, did you plan that?” I know people ask questions for conversation but I have learned over the years not to assume something about someone or their children because most likely you will put your foot in your mouth! (I am as guilty as the next person for doing this.)

One of my least favorite remarks people say when they hear my children are adopted is: You got your kids the EASY way! You didn’t even have to get stretch marks!” Ohhhhhh, this one really burns me up! (People say this to me even now and it is so annoying!) For people who make this comment I really don’t want to give them the courtesy of a response, I mean, what kind of response am I going to give them except for a kick to the shin or something like that? (I want to do that, but I don’t.) I am half-tempted to just pull up my shirt and show them my nice “non-stretch mark” stomach just to make myself feel better. Okay, I would never really do that, but I think about it sometimes. And just for the record, I DO have stretch marks on my arms from carrying the boys around, so I show them those! Someone told me once (after we had been trying for several years to conceive) “you just don’t want to get pregnant because you don’t want to get fat.” That one hurt, a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t long to know what it felt like to have nine months to prepare for a child that would someday have your eyes, your husband’s chin and grandpas’ nose. I wanted to feel a baby kick, feel him hiccup, see him on the ultrasound, feel my stomach expand to fit his growing body, and oh how I longed to hold a brand new baby right after birth and hear him cry for the first time.

Some days I feel robbed of those memories. I don’t have any pictures of me with my children at the hospital (I feel blessed that Ruth gave me pictures of the children when they were infants). I missed the first three years of Bryan’s life and the first eight months of Cole’s life, so I don’t know what they were like as tiny babies, if they slept all night, when they first crawled or what their first words were. But I digress.

All of those things I missed still hurt, but then I realized, I have the rest of my life together with my children to make new memories. I am the one who gets to tuck them in at night. I am the one who gets to hold them, kiss them, hug them, and read to them. I get to watch them grow up. I can’t compare my pain to Ruth’s pain – it is a completely separate entity. Her pain and loss are now my joy and future (and how is THAT fair?)

I don’t feel like complaining anymore, what else can I ask for? I get to be their mom.


  1. Love it........!

  2. I just got the comment about getting kids the "easy way" the other day when I picked my oldest child up at a birthday party. The lady looked at my brand new baby and commented on how great I look. I said thank you, but for some reason felt like I needed to explain. I did and she gave me this look and followed it up with, "Oh, that sure is an easy way to get your kids." Seriously, I think all of us adoptive moms have gotten that at one point. I handle it better now than I used to.

    When you were explaining those feelings of missing out on pregnancy, birth etc., I was feeling them right along with you. With our last baby (2 months old) the birth mom let me in the delivery room and even told the nurse to hand me the baby first because I was his mother. I cried at that moment because I got to experience one more little thing that I thought would never be mine. Anyway, sorry I'm rambling. Reading someone else's adoption experiences just brings to mind so many emotions and feelings related to my own adoption stories.

  3. I feel bad because I am probably one of the many that have commented about "woohoo.. no stretch marks" & i'm sorry if I offended or hurt your feelings! I try to make light of things and don't always realize it can be hurtful in sensitive situations. In my situation with my divorce I would rather have someone say how awesome it is that I have a free babysitter every other weekend & all the time Jake is with his dad rather than how it must really stink to have Jake go all the time. I would prefer to have him at home all the time, it's not my ideal situation, but it is the way it is and I'd rather joke and make light about it than be sad.. so I'm sorry I don't always say the right or appropriate things and definately don't want to hurt your feelings!!! You are awesome and I love reading your posts!

  4. I am a friend to the birth grandmother. She told me about this blog. My husband and I are trying to adopt and she thought I would enjoy it. I am grateful for this post because even though we have not been able to adopt yet, I have felt and still feel those sad moments of not being pregnant. Thank you for letting me read the adventures you have had, which gives me hope.
    Looking for our little angel through adoption:

  5. Camille. I love reading your blog! I think I will come back to it throughout the years to get that fresh perspective I feel now! Already it has given me new eyes to see through, and I appreciate you for that! I feel close to you even with a few thousand miles between us!