My Family

If you are new to this blog and want to read the entire story chronologically - please start in January with "Our Story, Part 1"

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

To all the mothers who have adopted

This weekend has been hard for me. Hard to see all the cute little pregnant mommies, hard to hear about their weekly check-ups, hard to hear about their stories in the hospital, hard to relate to anyone. I can't relate to them, I don't fit in that category.

If you are an adoptive parent, not a biological parent, I would like to talk to you! I have no one to relate to, no one who knows what I am feeling.  The only other people who can know what I am feeling are parents (mothers) who have not had the opportunity to experience being pregnant and giving birth or mothers (like me), who have been pregnant and lost a baby.  Time for a support group! :)

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  1. I am an adoptive mother of two beautiful girls and the mommy of two babies lost early in pregnancy. I understand how you feel and you are not alone. No child replaces another and adopting does not fill the void left from a missing bio child. Just like I will never replace my girl's bio mom and they will always have that part of them missing. I am so glad and humbled that we were given the opportunity to adopt as it is a beautiful way to make the best of a situation filled with loss and pain. I love my girls more than life, but I long to add bio children to my family. I missed so much in my girls lives, so many of their early life milestones, but I am enjoying every moment with them now. Being a mother by adoption is hard and such a blessing at the same time. We do not "fit" in what is normal and our struggles have a unique twist to them that few understand. If we vent we get the "well, you choose this" look. You are courageous, you are strong and you are not alone! God bless you for all you do for those kids of yours!

  2. Wow! I just happened upon your blog and am catching up on it chronologically. I am so impressed with your story. Thank you for being so open and sharing. The feelings you share are exactly what I am writing about now. Thank you for sharing.

  3. Hi, I can also relate. My husband and I tried to conceive . We then became foster carers as we wanted to give children a loving and secure home even if they were to be returned to biological parents after a few months. What we did not expect was to fall in love with the little boy who came to live with us. . So we put our names forward to adopt him and the process is on going. He calls me mummy but I can't feel it.. I feel as if I'm living a lie, and hate the talk of pregnancy , birth etc. feel as if I hav no one to talk to as people expect me to be over the moon for finally having a "family".

  4. Hi just found your blog by searching the net. I am almost 50, I have been very blessed to have three adopted children that are all grown. I feel guilty to even have these thoughts but yet I do and cannot really talk to anyone that understands. My husband and I were never able to conceive naturally but did suceed in two preganacies throught fertility drugs and artifical insemnation. Both preganacies ended in miscarriages 8 weeks & 12 wks. We have been throught the hurts of foster care and finally were blessed to adopt. It took many years to finally put to rest all of the thoughts & feeling like a failure I felt like a misfit uncomplete as a woman because I could not do what most women could by carrying a child and giving birth, feeling a child grow inside. I felt sad and left out so to speak and its not that I would trade my adoptions for the world I love my kids with my whole heart its just the what if's I deal with. Here lies my problem, my 3rd child was a private adoption, thought the years I had brief encounters with my sons birth Mom. I always appreciate her and respected her for what she did. She always told me she just was carrying her baby for me and always made me feel comfortable and never made me feel anything less then his mother but now that he is grown and married, she is all about being mother & mother-n-law and all those feelings and hurts that I thought I buryed years ago have rose up. My son really has not changed but his wife is all about the birth mother and is more about making her a part of their lives and of course my son defends her actions. I know I am petty and have tried to never be jealous but how do I put these feelings in check. Am I being childish and silly? I don't want to cause drama but this really hurts and I hate it and feel so guilty for feeling like this when I should just be grateful and proud.

    1. Thank you sooooo much for taking the time to comment! I have never been able to talk to another woman who has only had adopted children and not biological children! I to feel like a misfit and incomplete. Like you, I would not trade my adopted children for the world either, but these are valid feelings and I am so glad to know that I am not the only 'adoptive' mother who feels like this! I worry all the time about what will happen when my children are grown and I become a grandma. Will my children go back to their "real" family, will my grandchildren feel different because I am not their "real" grandma? I have those same feelings of jealousy even now when my children want to speak to their birth mother and write to her. You are definitely not being childish or silly. You are being real. I think a lot of prospective adoptive parents have no idea of what lies ahead and what emotions and issues you deal with as your children grow up. I am so glad to finally have my feelings validated by someone who actually KNOWS how I am feeling!!!Please feel free to write me at any time!

    2. Thanks Camille, I feel better just venting a bit. It does help to know that I am not crazy with my thoughts and the fact that you sort of validated them makes me feel like its ok to feel this way without guilt. Yes its hard and different at times but I am blessed and thankful for my family. I will keep up with your blog and in the next few days start at the beginning and read previous post. Thanks for sharing.

  5. Just found your blog - love it! I am an adoptive mother of a 16 month old little boy. My situation is a little different as my husband and I chose to adopt over having a biological child. My cousin was adopted as an infant and ever since then I knew I wanted to adopt, luckily I married someone who felt the same way. I used to worry that I may later regret never trying to get pregnant, but after adopting our son I am certain that this was the right decision for us and if we decide to add another child to our family it will be through adoption again. Yes, there are things that adoptive moms (and dads) miss out on, but there are so many things that we get to experience that people with biological children don't (they will never know what it's like to go through a homestudy, or finding out you've chosen by the birthparent(s), or the worrying that the birthparents may change their mind, and then meeting them and your child for the first time, finalizing the adoption in court...some good and some not so great- but I wouldn't change any of it!!

  6. Hi there,

    I just stumbled on your blog and can relate to you 110%!! I have a 14 yo daughter my husband and i adopted at birth. Ours was a private and closed adoption. Just recently she has been having issues w/ being adopted and says she rather live with her bio mom. Of course it is heartbreaking, but also I tread very lightly where her feelings are concerned. although my mother is adopted and has given her thoughts to my daughter and me, it's still hard to know what to say.
    I've never had any friends who could relate to me, or really empathize with my situation. I had to have a hysterectomy at 24 years old. So i do not know what its like to be pregnant either. I used to cry in the grocery store as I passed the baby aisle. Anyway, it has been a journey. Will keep reading your blog!