Last night I attended the final choir concert of my oldest
son Bryan. He has an amazing Tenor voice
(that I didn’t even know about until last
fall). As I watched him sing I
started to cry. I cried because I love
him so much. I cried because I wished I
would have known him as an infant. I
cried because I wished I would have known how it felt to have him kick and
squirm in my womb, to see him take his first step, to say his first word, to
hold my fingers as he nursed… so many things I missed with him. I cried because
I wished I could say he got his voice from me or my husband. I wished I could say he was handsome like his
father. (I do say this to him sometimes,
but he knows he doesn’t REALLY look like his dad). I cried because I missed the first three and a
half years of his life and I cried because he will be leaving soon.
When I was first introduced to the possibility of adoption almost
15 years ago, I had longed to be a mother so bad that I was willing to do
anything (well, almost anything) to get a child. I wore my rose colored glasses and persevered
through every issue with a smile and determination. I didn’t think about what would happen in the
future, how I would deal with adoption issues or even what issues might
arise. The only fear I had at the time
was that when my children turned 18 they would want to go back to their birth
mother (so glad our adoption is open!).
There are many things I wished I would have known, could
have prepared for, or could have been warned about.
But the real question is; if I had known these things, if I
had known I would hurt and feel a loss for the things I didn’t have, would I
have still adopted?
Definitely YES!
Even if I take my rose colored glasses off,
the view is still
remarkable.
“If you are lonely,
please know you can find comfort.
If you are
discouraged, please know you can find hope.
If you are poor in
spirit, please know you can be strengthened.
If you feel you are
broken, please know you can be mended.”
Jeffrey R. Holland
