My Family

If you are new to this blog and want to read the entire story chronologically - please start in January with "Our Story, Part 1"

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Satan is working on the moms…

Time to write about something that has been on my mind for a while….

I had one of my close friends call me last night and tell me that her marriage of 18 years is about over. I listened to her reasons and I wasn’t surprised to hear her saying the same things I was saying just a few months before. As I mentioned a little bit in my last post, I haven’t been writing on my blog because I was going through my own “selfish” phase (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, it took stepping back and finding out what was really important to realize that is what it was, me being selfish).

This post is going to be very self-revealing but every one of us has our own trials and weaknesses, so I hope you will stick with me and that someone will benefit from what I have learned (and hopefully not make the same mistake).

Here is my story – a few months ago I got a Facebook note from one of my guy “friends” - It was a guy I haven’t seen since I was 14 (22 years ago). I have a cardinal rule not to chat or e-mail members of the opposite sex (especially if I have ever had a crush on them). I debated writing him back. He had only sent a small note saying that he thought I looked nice in one of my pictures (of course it made me feel good, everyone likes a compliment right?) Well I debated about writing him back for several days, (I knew deep down inside that I shouldn’t) but there was something I had wanted to ask him since the last time I saw him (in 8th grade) so I gave in to temptation, thus breaking my own rule.

We wrote a couple more times (quite innocently at first) and then of course a little more flirtatious. I wasn’t keeping it secret from my husband, I had told him about the first time he wrote me and I even discussed what I wrote to my “friend” but I was still being private. I knew nothing could physically happen between the two of us (he lives in another country) but it felt nice to get showered with attention, especially at a time when my self-esteem was lacking.
Pretty soon I started to notice little things that “bugged” me about my husband, and how “bad” he treated me. I started to question my happiness and everything around me “was I happy just being a mom and wife, was there more for me out there, was I missing out on something, did I need time just for ME?” etc.” I was in the “me” mode, I was only concerned with me (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, I was blaming everyone else for my “unhappiness.”)

I knew I needed to stop writing this guy, but it was almost like an addiction (I needed his attention it seemed). Finally, my husband said to me “you are acting like you did when you left me.” (For those of you who don’t know, my husband and I were separated and ultimately divorced and remarried during the fourth year of our marriage). I was surprised he was so perceptive to how I was feeling; I thought I was acting normal, probably trying to act more “normal” than usual, but he picked up on it.

I finally wrote this guy and told him I couldn’t write him anymore (it was hard to let go, even though I hadn’t even seen him in person and what did he mean to me anyway? NOTHING!)

I am writing about this and exposing my own faults because I have witnessed so many of my peers (women in their thirties, married with children) start feeling like they needed something MORE, needed something else, needed what the world deems as happiness. It may first start with innocent chatting with someone of the opposite sex and pretty soon you “realize” how “unhappy” you are.

“A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence.” Julie B. Beck

So what is the end result of us (women and men) being selfish? Ultimately our children are the ones who suffer. During an especially trying day my son said to me “mom, are you going to run away?” I knew I could never leave my children; I could never hurt them by giving up just because of some selfish reason of me wanting “more.”

After I ended my “relationship” with my friend, I had to find new ways to start loving my husband again, finding even small things that I remembered I used to adore about him. I started focusing my time and energy on him and my children and getting away from the computer. I ultimately quit my job that required me to be on the computer for several hours a day (thus helping suppress my need to go online). The confidence in knowing I have been entrusted with these five beautiful children was enough to help me realize that I didn’t need MORE. I needed to be a MOM.

“It is unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines and slink across movie screens – all while being celebrated by the world…. I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors.” M. Russell Ballard


  1. oh... Thank you for this post. Thank you.

  2. Camille, you don't know me but I've been following your adoption story for quite some time. I'm pretty sure you posted this story for me today! For the past two weeks, I've been considering divorcing my husband of 32 years. Not because there was anyone else involved, just a continuing dissatisfaction with our lives together. We had a good long talk today and we've decided it's worth working on together. I think we can make it and your post came just a few short hours after this decision of mine. I needed to know that other women are struggling with the same issues. We have 32 years, 7 children and our first grandchild on the way, invested. Eternity is too long to not be with the ones we truly love. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This probably is very disjointed. I'm still working things out in my head...

  3. You have taken a risk putting that "out there" (especially for those of us who think you both are perfect, as is your little piece of family-heaven on earth)... but I see this happen way too often. Several of my female friends have taken on single life in their late 30's and 40's because their husbands became dissatisfied when they started imagining all the things they were missing when they started exploring other (online) relationships. Thanks for taking the risk... you are brave.

  4. I agree. You took a big risk putting this out there and you are very brave. I think you address some issues that most of us will tread through in our lives. I think it is tougher, more noble and better for you in the long run if you do whatever it takes to make it work.

    I think many women struggle with finding a balance between themselves and their roles as mothers (which obviously are not mutually exclusive). It is sometimes tough to see yourself outside of the "wife and mother" role and it often disguises itself as unhappiness with those roles.

    Thanks for the post. I think it will touch a lot of people and many who don't comment will be nodding in agreement, because we have been there, too.

  5. Great post, Camille! I really admire you. I think probably every woman will be approached with feelings like this at some point in their marriage. There's something about being a mom that can make you feel overlooked, unimportant, and plain unattractive, at times. Society SO encourages women to be more selfish and it can be tempting! I'm so glad you didn't get sucked further into it like so many women do, it's so sad! Use this experience to strengthen your relationship! Thanks for sharing :)

  6. You are amazing! I think this post speaks to more of us than we realize! I have been there before and it is hard. It is so easy to get sucked in and so hard to get out. FB is the devil! I have "de-friended" many "guy" friends on there for this very reason. You and your husband have been trough some very hard trials and I know this is a challenege but I have faith that things will be great!

  7. Thank you ladies for your kind words - this was a very hard post to write, let alone publish, but I have seen so many people dealing with the same issues and I have received many private e-mails detailing situations of people who have been dealing with this sort of temptation.

    To the last "anonymous" comment: No, my children aren't currently reading my blog, and if they were, they would be proud of me, I am not hiding or trying to pretend to be someone I am not. I am a real person dealing with real temptations and real life. I am not trying to be "anonymous" but thanks for caring anyway! :)

  8. Camille, yes wow, you inspire me. Brody and I really look up to you two. It is so heartbreaking that couples are broken up, and to a certain degree it came down to the internet. Eternity is so close, yet seems so far away. We have to continue to overcome and grow. Wish the situations could always be overcome together, as husband and wife every time though. Thank you for being brave and posting this, and being such a wonderful example to so many. You have obviously touched many people and given us hope and the feeling that we are not alone again.