My Family

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Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Finding and Meeting (Birth, Real, First) Parents

Wow, I can’t believe it has been three weeks since I have written anything!

Tonight as I was driving my son to practice he mentioned that one of his friends is also adopted. He said “when he turns 16 he is going to drive around and look for his mom.” I asked my son if he is glad he knows who his birth mother is. He said he couldn’t really say one way or another because he has always known.

This made me think about the people I have met who have placed children and may not know where they are now. Maybe they were promised an “open” adoption and then once the child’s adoption was finalized they were left with nothing (how manipulative and sad!) I thought of my son’s friend who is wondering about his mother…where she is, who she is.

My daughter’s birth father contacted me today and asked if she could call him on the phone. My daughter is seven, but she knows about her birth mother. I don’t know if she understands as much about her birth father because he is the only birth father that I actually have contact with. (She has seen pictures of him and we talk about him, although her other siblings don’t really talk about their birth fathers). Her birth father’s birthday is this weekend, so I will most likely allow her to call him then. I imagine the conversation will be brief, but he (her birth father) said “ I just want to hear her voice.” Such a small request but one that my husband and I will of course allow. He hasn’t seen her since she was an infant although he has talked to her on the phone before. She even sang him a song (You are so Beautiful to Me).

My beautiful Ava girl a few days ago (don't mind the date on the picture, it is wrong!)

So I am wondering if any parents who have placed (is there a better word?) children would be willing to give me some advice on how they would envision meeting their children. I am still trying to locate my sons’ birth father; I know they will want to meet him at some point, although I am unsure how he will react or if he even wonders about them. What do you do in cases where the birth parents don’t want to be contacted? How do you know if they want to be contacted by their children?

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!


  1. I think the most appropriate term is "created an adoption plan" rather than placed. In an adoption training I was taught that "placing" sounds so simple, it does not show the level of thought that was put into such a hard decision.

  2. Kgerl, thanks for the information, "created an adoption plan" sounds much better. If you know of any other terms that are more politically correct, let me know! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. Camille

  3. Hey, Camille. :) Haven't been reading blogs in a while, but just logged in to start catching up. "Created an adoption plan" is industry political correctness. :) Most women I know who have relinquished children do not like the term because, like ''birthmom" it is a feel-good industry term. :) I know MOST people who say it are doing so with the purest motives and are just trying to keep up with what is preferred and appropriate. :) But most moms I know prefer "placed", "relinquished", "lost", or "gave up". I know some of those may not seem politically correct, for lack of a better way to say it, but it all depends on how the mom views her particular situation and how it came about. Unfortunately, many moms could not adequately say that they made an adoption plan for their child/children. Some did, but many didn't. Anyway, glad to catch up on your blog! :) I hope you'll keep writing!

  4. Hi Camille. You don't know me, but I am from Roosevelt and love to catch up on your blog from time to time. I placed a baby for adoption through LDS Family Services more than 20 years ago and have never regretted my decision. I am thankful that my daughter had the opportunity to grow up with a mom and dad who loved her so much. My adoption was closed and for me, I needed that to be able to move on. I love my baby very much and wanted the best for her. I think of her often and wonder what kind of person she is today. I would like to meet her, but it is also scary. I worry that she would hate me for not keeping her. I sent a letter with her as a tiny baby that was to her and told her my feelings. I also sent a beautiful dress for her temple sealing. She will always be mine in spirit, but I know I made the right choice. Thank you for being an amazing mom to your special spirits. They are so very lucky!!!
    Aileen Jensen