Adoption Questions

At Church on Mother’s Day my 16-year-old son leaned over to me and said, “I wonder if I love you the same as I would my REAL mother?”  He really wants to know what it feels like to love his actual mother.

It wasn’t mean, it didn’t hurt my feelings.  I have been wondering the same thing in reverse.

Do I love my children the same as I would if they were biological? 
I can’t answer that because I don’t have any “biological” children.  I love my children. 
Is it the same type of love that mothers have who actually give birth?  I don’t know.  I probably will never know.  It is a question that I can’t answer - but a valid (and hard) question nonetheless.

My son made this for me on Mother's Day. Love him!

Rose Colored Glasses

Last night I attended the final choir concert of my oldest son Bryan.  He has an amazing Tenor voice (that I didn’t even know about until last fall).  As I watched him sing I started to cry.  I cried because I love him so much.  I cried because I wished I would have known him as an infant.  I cried because I wished I would have known how it felt to have him kick and squirm in my womb, to see him take his first step, to say his first word, to hold my fingers as he nursed… so many things I missed with him. I cried because I wished I could say he got his voice from me or my husband.  I wished I could say he was handsome like his father.  (I do say this to him sometimes, but he knows he doesn’t REALLY look like his dad).  I cried because I missed the first three and a half years of his life and I cried because he will be leaving soon.

When I was first introduced to the possibility of adoption almost 15 years ago, I had longed to be a mother so bad that I was willing to do anything (well, almost anything) to get a child.  I wore my rose colored glasses and persevered through every issue with a smile and determination.  I didn’t think about what would happen in the future, how I would deal with adoption issues or even what issues might arise.  The only fear I had at the time was that when my children turned 18 they would want to go back to their birth mother (so glad our adoption is open!). 

There are many things I wished I would have known, could have prepared for, or could have been warned about.   

But the real question is; if I had known these things, if I had known I would hurt and feel a loss for the things I didn’t have, would I have still adopted?  

Definitely YES!

Even if I take my rose colored glasses off,

the view is still remarkable.

“If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort.

If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope.

If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened.

If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”

Jeffrey R. Holland

Teenagers

I know I have mentioned several times how amazing the attorney is who facilitated all five of our adoptions. Well, as I would thank him for helping us adopt these beautiful children, he would jokingly say,

 “we’ll see if you thank me when they are teenagers…”

I am happy to report that I can thank him a million times for my wonderful teenagers! My three teenage sons have been the most amazing young men and such an inspiration and joy in my life. We have had countless conversations about their birth parents, adoption, hopes, dreams, doubts, etc. and I believe the main reason my sons are so “well adjusted” is because of the openness about their past, where they came from and how they became a part of our family. For me, open adoption has been the only way to go.

'Extended' Family

Open adoption is an amazing thing. Not only have I gained five beautiful children, I have gained their family as well. A few months ago I received a message from my children’s biological aunt; Ruth’s sister Holli. I have kept in touch with Ruth’s family via Facebook so they can see pictures and get updates on the kids. Here is an excerpt from that message (used with permission).

Camille,

It’s one of those internet surfing, can’t sleep nights and I’ve been catching up on your blog. Tears and smiles left and right. I think this falls in the category of things that never get old to hear, but I think of the kids more often than any of you know and it overwhelms me how ‘lucky’ they are to have such an incredible life. Seeing photos and updates, though I don’t look often enough, is such a good feeling from an Aunt’s perspective; to see how happy all the faces are. I love knowing they are in your family. Maybe I don’t check on them more often because I know they’re in good hands. I truly admire the environment you guys have created for raising children…. I wanted to let you know I think about you guys and love the blog.

Holli

I feel blessed beyond belief. I love being a mom!

Ava meets her birth father!

Last October my daughter Ava had the opportunity to meet her birth father. His name is Tony, and he and I have kept in touch over the years. Once in a while he will call and talk to Ava, or Ava will send him little messages and videos on my iPhone.  We share pictures via Facebook, but Ava had never met him in person (at least since she was about one year old).

My children all know their birth mother, but none of them have met their birth fathers except for the first few months of their lives. All three of my boys share the same mother and father, but my daughters have different dads. My boys would like to meet their birth father but we don’t have any information about him except his name (we have never seen a picture of him).

Ava has known about her birth father since the beginning. I have pictures of him in her photo album and she has talked to him on and off over the years but had never met face to face until last fall.

Tony’s mother (Ava’s grandmother), sadly passed away last year (Ava was able to talk to her and send her a short video before she passed on).   When Tony came to the funeral he was only a few hours away from us. He sent me a text on a Saturday morning and asked if he could see Ava. We made arrangements to meet a few hours later at the same McDonald’s that we met at years ago when Ava was first placed with us. Ava was so excited! I also brought my son Bryan because he knew Tony, (Bryan lived with Ruth when Tony and Ruth were dating).

Ava looks so much like her biological father!

Tony adores Ava and is very respectful of our family.

Tony is Native American from the Ute Tribe and he gave Ava some of her grandmother’s jewelry. She has an amazing heritage and I want her to know about her family and ancestors.

I love that my children can know their birth parents.

Thank you Tony for taking the time to come see us!

Thank you for allowing Ava to be part of our family as well!

No one is immune

A few months ago during a neighborhood social event, I was listening to the chatter of several women who are pregnant. At one point I was sitting next to a woman who had just revealed that she was expecting her third (unplanned) child. She looked across the table and said to me, (paraphrasing) “I wish I could adopt, it would be SO much easier than being pregnant! Besides, you get to keep your figure and look like THAT!”

 

 

Me at the end of a hike, contemplating life....

I was so upset that I just sat silently trying not to say anything (counting loudly to 10 in my mind, repeating the mantra my mother had told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”)  
On my walk home that night and while running on the treadmill the next morning (trying to maintain THAT figure) I thought of all the snappy comments I could’ve said. I really wanted to write her a letter and let her have it!

“We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we
can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.”

These are a few things I wanted to say (but luckily didn’t):

“I would trade my body for any woman’s (fertile body!) just to have the chance to be able to create a child with my husband and feel my child growing inside of me. "

“Enjoy every little pain that you are having, you are experiencing a miracle!”

“I have this figure because I go to the gym five times a week! Not because I have never had children! You should see my sisters’ who have eight children and maintain amazing figures!”

My cute little Aubrey after her haircut!

I am glad I have had a few months to stew about this because recent events helped soften my once angry outlook.

I realized that every one of us have and will endure different trials; no one is immune to having their feelings hurt, no one is immune to pain.

"Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have
experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to
become more and more Christlike. . . . As we understand this doctrine, we gaingreater assurance of our Father's love."

Sometimes trials make us realize just how lucky we really are.

What a difference a day makes!

First of all, WELCOME BACK! Thanks for joining me; I sure hope I didn’t miss sending an invite to anyone!!!

Usually when I have a bad day or am talking to someone who is having a bad say, I say “tomorrow is another day” or “what a difference a day makes” – my own advice has definitely rang true the past few days!

Like I mentioned previously, last week was one of those weeks, I was getting hammered by negativity with regards to my blog; I was reading an array of pessimistic posts and books that made adoptive parents out to be the slated as some of the worst people on the planet and then it happened…

I knew the day would come, I wasn’t ready for it. I thought I was but I wasn’t.

…the day one of my children would ask Ruth “why” – why she had “given them up” and “if she still loved them?”

My son Cole wrote a letter to Ruth last week…My first concern was that his words would be hurtful to Ruth… and then I just prayed she would write him back so he wouldn’t be hurt. Today he received two letters in the mail, both from Ruth. I gave them to him as soon as he got home from school. He ran to his room and shut the door for some privacy. I gave him about 20 minutes and then I decided to knock on his door to make sure he was okay.

He opened the door and I could tell that he was smiling. I smiled back and gave him a hug. He held onto me and cried on my shoulder for a minute and then continued to hug me. He said with a grin, “she answered all of my questions.”

I asked him if sometime in the future I would be allowed to read what she wrote, he said “you can read them right now.” He then said “I think I hurt her.”

I read Ruth’s beautiful words describing to Cole why he was with us and that she still loved him but she didn’t know if he wanted to hear that from her. I am not going to quote what she wrote because it was a personal message to Cole, but suffice it to say that she wrote exactly what he needed to hear. After I read the letters I reassured him that I didn’t think Ruth was hurt.

I am so grateful she took the time to write him back, that she answered his questions, and that she was not offended by his words. Thank you Ruth, you have blessed my life in so many ways!

(Ruth has not asked to be invited to view my blog, I think it is too painful for her right now…)

Our Story, Part 49 - Worth the Wait

This morning Aubrey woke up early and said “come lay by me.” We snuggled on the couch for a minute and then I carried her into my bedroom and we snuggled in my covers (she is still in there sleeping). She was lying right next to me and smiling, and then she took her little hand and started caressing my face. I just smiled at her and she said “I love you mommy.”

I thought to myself, “You were definitely worth the wait!”

I LOVE being a mom!

Aubrey’s adoption was finalized on April 1, 2008, almost exactly 10 months from the day I picked her up. She was “sealed” to our family a few weeks later in the Ogden Temple. I wanted to share a few pictures of that day, it was one of the very best memories I have with my children and family.

"I have a family here on earth.

They are so good to me.

I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me how I can."

LDS Children's Songbook, Page 188

All pictures were taken by Nicole Anderson Photography.

Our Story, Part 16 - "You got your kids the EASY way!"

I didn’t post yesterday because I wanted to take some time and watch the video footage I took from when I first got all three boys. There is nothing like home videos to help you remember the little things you’ve forgotten over the years. People are right when they say kids grow up too fast. I loved seeing them so small!

Until I watched the video I hadn’t remembered that Bryan spent Easter weekend with us before he came back permanently. I knew that we spent a day or two with him (I have pictures of all three boys in the tub during that break), but I forgot that he actually got to come to our house in Ogden and stay for a while. I don’t remember what it felt like to see him leave; in fact I don’t even remember who picked him up and took him back to Ruth. I think at that point I was numb to all the coming and going. I can only imagine how confusing it was for a three-year-old.

Preston, Cole and Bryan during Easter Vacation - 1999

After Bryan came to live with us we spent the next six months getting ready for his adoption to be finalized (and adjusting to being a family of five!) We had to meet with the social worker again (luckily we had the same one so we didn’t have to answer all the probing questions this time) and complete another home study. It still felt weird to have someone watch us interact with our children to see if we were fit parents or not. Those visits were never really comfortable; tolerable, but not comfortable. I felt that if there was one thing out of place in my house or if the children did something wrong then it would lessen our possibility of the adoption being finalized. Those visits were very stressful!

But being a new mom with three little boys also brought different challenges. Because the boys were so close in age, when I had all three of them together in a grocery cart people would ask “are they triplets?” or “don’t you know what birth control is?” or “are they ALL yours?” or “Wow! They are really close in age, did you plan that?” I know people ask questions for conversation but I have learned over the years not to assume something about someone or their children because most likely you will put your foot in your mouth! (I am as guilty as the next person for doing this.)

One of my least favorite remarks people say when they hear my children are adopted is: “You got your kids the EASY way! You didn’t even have to get stretch marks!” Ohhhhhh, this one really burns me up! (People say this to me even now and it is so annoying!) For people who make this comment I really don’t want to give them the courtesy of a response, I mean, what kind of response am I going to give them except for a kick to the shin or something like that? (I want to do that, but I don’t.) I am half-tempted to just pull up my shirt and show them my nice “non-stretch mark” stomach just to make myself feel better. Okay, I would never really do that, but I think about it sometimes. And just for the record, I DO have stretch marks on my arms from carrying the boys around, so I show them those! Someone told me once (after we had been trying for several years to conceive) “you just don’t want to get pregnant because you don’t want to get fat.” That one hurt, a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t long to know what it felt like to have nine months to prepare for a child that would someday have your eyes, your husband’s chin and grandpas’ nose. I wanted to feel a baby kick, feel him hiccup, see him on the ultrasound, feel my stomach expand to fit his growing body, and oh how I longed to hold a brand new baby right after birth and hear him cry for the first time.

Some days I feel robbed of those memories. I don’t have any pictures of me with my children at the hospital (I feel blessed that Ruth gave me pictures of the children when they were infants). I missed the first three years of Bryan’s life and the first eight months of Cole’s life, so I don’t know what they were like as tiny babies, if they slept all night, when they first crawled or what their first words were. But I digress.

All of those things I missed still hurt, but then I realized, I have the rest of my life together with my children to make new memories. I am the one who gets to tuck them in at night. I am the one who gets to hold them, kiss them, hug them, and read to them. I get to watch them grow up. I can’t compare my pain to Ruth’s pain – it is a completely separate entity. Her pain and loss are now my joy and future (and how is THAT fair?)

I don’t feel like complaining anymore, what else can I ask for? I get to be their mom.

Our Story, Part 15 - "Mom"

When I first considered adoption, I thought I wanted a private adoption, but the more I thought about it, I didn’t even care whether it was open or not, I just wanted to be a mom. Since the first day the boys came to live with us we have tried to be as open and honest as we could about what was going on. They always had questions about Ruth and adoption in general, so I tried to answer them the best I could. Usually I would just give a simple question a simple answer, but sometimes the question would require a longer explanation.

Bryan and Camille (me) in downtown Salt Lake City - 2000

People would always give me advice (usually bad) about what I should do, such as “you shouldn’t let the kids see Ruth, it will just confuse them” or “you need to move on with your life and the kids need to move on” ~ I have to admit that I sometimes bought into this bad advice, usually because of my own insecurities and really not knowing what to do.

Bryan and Camille (me) at the Neola Rodeo - 2004

At the time I didn’t know anyone who was in an “open” adoption, or anyone who had adopted for that matter. I had no idea how I should feel or how to act about my children having a “birth” mom or if I was the “real” mom (I am not very good about the “politically correct” terms or labels people have for adoption).

There was no way to prepare for this situation and I had no guidelines or handbook to tell me what would be best for my children or our family. I just felt that if we were honest with our children they would be able to handle the situation better. Bryan and Camille (me) in 2006

For the first two weeks after Bryan came back to live with us he would only call me “Camille” – he refused to call me “mom” ~ Of course when the boys were tiny, they really didn’t care which “mom” was holding them, they were just happy with whoever was feeding them and loving them. Since Bryan was older, he understood the situation better and he had a lot of questions. I remember one conversation very distinctly. We were driving in the car and he was sitting behind me in his car seat, he was only 3 ½ at the time and had just recently came back to live with us.

Ruth, Bryan and Valorie in 2008

(Bryan's "birth mom" and "biological grandmother")

Bryan used to say to Cole and Preston; “Camille is NOT your REAL mom” (I would be lying if I said this didn’t hurt my feelings). So one day I tried to explain it to him the best I could. I told him that Ruth was his “birth mom.” He wanted to know what “birth mom” meant. I said she was his “birth mom” because she gave “birth” to him. I told him I was his “mom” because I was the person who took care of him and would be raising him. I told him Ruth would always be his birth mother and that she loved him just like I did.

Then he wanted to know about “birth” so I tried to explain in simple terms about a woman and a man creating a child (this was not easy!) I kept driving and he was quiet for a while, then he asked “then where is my birth father?” (all three of my boys have the same birth mother and birth father). Up to that point we really had only discussed his birth mother, so it was a valid question, and in his mind he only had one father, Mykel. I told him what I knew about his birth father and he asked me “tell me everything Ruth told you” (those were his exact words; he was an amazingly perceptive child). We had quite a conversation during that drive, but after I had sufficiently answered all of his questions, he seemed to be content with the answers.

After that car ride and question and answer dialogue, he started calling me “mom.”

Our Story, Part 14 - Reunited

When we came back from California we decided to move to Ogden, so we were now a few hours away from Bryan and Ruth. Since we lived so far away we didn’t see each other as frequently, but we still saw Bryan at Easter and for Cole and Preston’s birthday and on several other occasions. Celebrating Preston and Cole's Birthday, April 1999

The day after Mother’s Day in May 1999, 14 months after Bryan went back to live with Ruth, she called and asked me if Bryan could come live with us. I told Ruth that if Bryan came to live with us that he was not going back (that may sound harsh, but I could not handle losing him again, and I did not want to keep confusing Bryan).

All the "boys" together for a visit (before Bryan came back)

She said Bryan kept asking to go and live with his “real family.” The year before when I had helped Ruth and Bryan move to their new apartment I gave them a picture of us (Mykel, me, Cole and Preston). Apparently it was hanging in their apartment and when Bryan would look at it, he would say it was his “real” family. I don’t know what finally changed Ruth’s mind about allowing Bryan to come back to us, but I am so glad she did,

I cannot imagine my life without my son Bryan!

The "Real Family" picture

Since we lived several hours away, I couldn’t just come and pick Bryan up right after she called. We made arrangements for my mother-in-law to pick him up and meet me the next morning. We were supposed to meet in Heber City (which was the half-way point) but I left early and drove so fast that we ended up meeting on the side of the highway. Bryan got in with me and I put all of his stuff in the back of my Jeep. For people passing by it probably looked like I was picking up my son from visiting grandma’s house, little did they know I was picking him up to be with us forever! All together again!

When I got in the car he just looked at me, looked at his brothers, and then looked straight ahead. I cannot even imagine what was going through his head at the time (I really think he was angry with me). I was just hoping he wasn’t scared of me. We started with small talk and that is when he told me he remembered living with us and when he killed the fish (I honestly couldn’t believe he remembered that, he was only 2 ½ at the time!) He also told me about his aunts and uncles and the trip he had made to the Denver Zoo. He remembered the names of the places he had visited and even remembered all of their names (and he went on this trip when he was 3).

Pictures of the boys for Father's Day 1999 (about a month after Bryan came back)

I asked him if he was hungry and he said “yes” so we decided to stop and eat at one of our favorite places ~ we call it “The Train Place.” ~ So there I was, sitting and eating hamburgers and shakes with my three sons, and it all just seemed so natural, like we were just out for a normal day together for lunch.

By the time we arrived home Bryan had warmed up considerably. We got his things unpacked and he just started running around the house and playing with his brothers, it was so wonderful to see them all together again! Mykel and I just looked at each other and smiled – we were now the parents of three boys, all under the age of 3 ½.

Life was good!

Our Story, Part 6 - Bittersweet

I didn’t want to even mention the next part of the story because it is so painful for everyone, but if I don’t mention it, the rest of the story won’t make sense.

Suffice it to say that Bryan went back to Ruth after he had been with us for a little less than two months. We saw him several times during the next year and then 14 months later Ruth called me and asked if Bryan could come live with us again. She said “Bryan says he wants to come live with his real family.”

I went and picked him up the next day.

When Bryan first lived with us we had a small fish tank. One day Bryan said “the fish are all sleeping.” Apparently he and his cousin Dylon put fingernail polish in the fish tank. I tell this story because when I went and picked up Bryan after 14 months of being gone, (and I was fumbling with what to say to him) he mentioned this story to me and said“do you remember when I put fingernail polish with the fish?”

Bryan has always had a phenomenal memory and even at 3 years old he was able to recall all of his biological aunts and uncles names and his uncle’s girlfriend’s name and places back East he had visited with them.

He still has amazing recall about anything he has seen or read.

Bryan and his cousin looking at the "sleeping fish"

I need to note that the relationship between us and the biological family was in its infancy at this stage. Neither of us had a handbook or set of parameters about how we should act or what the correct protocol was. The adoption was being handled privately and not through an agency, so we didn’t have set guidelines about what we should or shouldn’t do.

The last 12 years have definitely been a learning experience for all of us.

Cole and Ruth during a visit in May 2002

The following is a letter from my children’s biological grandmother after the boys’ adoptions were finalized: (Printed with her permission)

“Another family became interested in adopting the boys and they flew their daughter from Texas to meet the boys and Ruth. They fell in love with the kids right away and started bringing Ruth nice things and trying to win her friendship. (Meanwhile Ruth had broken her leg in two or three places by falling on the ice in December). It had become my job to take care of my own children at my apartment, take care of Bryan, Cole and Ruth at their apartment, and try to get the boys ready and dressed and off to a baby-sitter so I could go to work each day. As the main worker and child advocate in the case, I was ready to place the boys anywhere they could be happy and have a good life which I thought they deserved. I felt that neither Ruth nor I could supply all their needs and at that point the concern for their welfare was great.

Preston and Ruth in May 2002

Here is where the next major step in the miracle began….an attorney contacted Ruth and said there were other people interested in the adoption, and we might as well meet with the prospective parents…..Mykel and Camille Henrie! That was all it took! The other people were not even in the running once I met the Henries! When they arrived at Ruth’s apartment to meet her and the boys, the decision was made in my heart. Bryan climbed up on the couch and sat right by Camille. I never saw two people look more alike than those two! It felt right and appeared right. The rest of the story is so complicated and took two years, but it is a story that can certainly be told from many perspectives.

The long process of convincing Ruth was the hardest part. She wanted to keep all three of the boys very much. I kept talking and talking and pointing out how much difficulty she was having trying to take care of all their needs and make them happy. She gradually saw that she was not able to provide all they needed and one by one let them go….though it was a very hard decision to make.

Bryan with Ruth (his birth mother) and Valorie (his biological grandmother) during a kindergarten performance of The Gingerbread Man. I love this picture!

We all cried many, many times over the boys parting. If I could convey one message to the three boys, it would be to never think that you were not wanted by your birth family, because you were wanted a lot, and loved a lot; we all just wanted the very best for you which we were not able to provide for several reasons.

WE STILL LOVE YOU!”

Our Story, Part 2 - Meeting Ruth and the boys!

I have asked permission from our birth mother (Ruth) to use her name and her picture and she has agreed. She even said she would add her side to this story!

More to come on that!

Cole (8 months old) kept bouncing on Mykel’s knees and his dark brown eyes wouldn’t leave Mykel’s face. Cole would occasionally look at me and smile and then look back at Mykel (at that time Cole’s name was Michael, or Mikey, but we later changed his name). Bryan sat quietly at my side and then would get up, go get a book or a toy and come back and sit down.

Oh how I longed to hold him!

Here is a picture of Cole (Mikey) and Bryan a few days after we met them.

We spent about an hour visiting with Ruth and the boys and luckily our attorney kept the conversation moving. I was so nervous, I mean, what do you say to someone who could possibly be giving you your entire future? I just smiled and smiled while secretly sweating to death (good thing it was winter and I had a few layers on!)

At this point I need to make a confession… between the time that my dad told me about Ruth and the time we met her, I found out where Cole and Bryan would go during the day and I found a reason to go there to get a peek at the boys, I just couldn’t help myself!

I just happened to drive up at the same time they were getting out of their car. It was freezing cold outside and Cole was wrapped in a white and green checkered snowsuit with a furry hood, and his black eyes saw me getting out of my car (Bryan had already ran into the house). I had to walk past he and Ruth to get to the front door (I did bring something to drop off so I wouldn’t look like I was just coming there to see the boys!).

Later my attorney told me “he is the cutest baby I have ever seen” and he was right. He had a perfectly round little face with dark black eyes that could see right through you.

Cole loves me to tell him about the first time I saw him, it is one of his favorite stories.

Since we met with them a few days before Christmas I asked our attorney if it would be okay if we bought them some presents. I didn’t want it to seem like a bribe or anything; I just wanted to shop for children’s Christmas presents! We debated whether we should give them anonymously, but our attorney thought it would be okay to just let them know they were from us.

So Mykel and I went shopping! I bought a maternity shirt for Ruth and I honestly had no idea what else to get, I only remember getting that. We had fun buying trucks, treats, toys and mini M&M’s for their stockings.

I spent the next day wrapping presents and trying to keep busy so I wouldn’t think about things. I spent Christmas morning imagining Cole and Bryan opening their presents and wondering if they liked them. (Ruth told me later that Cole found the mini M&M’s and before they knew it, he had opened them and stuffed them all in his mouth…to this day Cole loves CHOCOLATE!)

On December 26th, our attorney called us and asked “would you like to adopt all three boys?” WOW! My heart almost stopped beating and again, I instantly said YES before even consulting my husband (in all honesty we had talked about it and I knew he would be okay with it). Since it was the day after Christmas (Friday evening) and several of our family members were home for the holidays, I asked our attorney it he would call Ruth and see if it would be okay for us to take Cole and Bryan for the weekend. I have no idea why I even asked this, but they agreed and we set up a time for us to go and pick them up.

Infertility

So to all those women out there who are having a hard time conceiving, this post is for you! Don’t you love when pregnant women tell you “oh my gosh, it took me three (six, nine, etc) months to get pregnant, it was so stressful!” Well, boo-hoo! Only women who have been trying for YEARS to get pregnant (and possibly never do) can understand what I mean.

My first inclination that I may have problems conceiving happened when I was eight years old, yep, you read that right, EIGHT! Long story, but basically I fell down a water well shaft and ended up straddling a huge piece of metal, (yeah, it left a mark). Anyway…. I remember laying in the emergency room getting covered with warm blankets to help with shock and asking the doctor, “so, am I still going to be able to have children?” Yes, I actually asked that. Ever since I was a little girl I couldn’t wait to be a MOM.

During high school I had terrible pain (I later learned it was from endometriosis), so during my senior year of high school I had a laparoscopy to see what all the pain was. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong; except I may have trouble getting pregnant (does that count as “nothing wrong?”)

So, one of my choices was to get married young and start trying right away to get pregnant. I got married at 18. After six months (and not getting pregnant) I went back to see another doctor. He said “you can’t be considered infertile until you try for one year.” So we tried for a year. No results. Then they wanted to check my husband and see if it was him. It wasn’t him.

So after five years of trying (three more surgeries, troubled marriage, crying, depression, etc) I was approached with the idea of adoption (more to come on that later).

Summary: A total of 11 years of trying to conceive (each month getting my hopes up when I was even one day late…. My husband joked that I should’ve had stock in pregnancy tests). I did conceive one time after EIGHT years of trying, only to have a miscarriage at 9-10 weeks (another story too).

I finally had a HYSTERECTOMY after approximately 132 months of trying because I couldn’t take the up and down roller coaster ride of getting my hopes up each month only to have them dashed so severely.

Can any of you relate to this???

Assumptions - Becoming a Mom

Before I became a mother I would notice mothers everywhere interacting with their children, at the grocery store, in the library, etc. I used to think “they are so lucky to have children…” and I would make automatic assumptions about their life (being jealous of course that they had little ones to care for).

Years after becoming a mother I really try making fewer assumptions about the mothers I see and I wonder about their story and how they became mothers (if they love it, if they have a hard time, if they feel guilty about not spending enough time with their children, if they lose their temper, if they enjoy the little things about their children, if their children are adopted, if they are step-parents, single-parents, etc).


Now as I rush around with my children I wonder if any other women make the correct assumption about me ~
“she is so lucky to be a mom!”