Our Story, Part 47 - Christmas Eve Dinner with Ruth

The next time I spoke with Aubrey’s birth father (“D”) was in January. Our attorney had been trying to contact he and Ruth for months to set up a time to go to court, but was unsuccessful. I hadn’t received any feedback from the letter I sent him in September, nor had he tried to contact me or ask for Aubrey to come back and live with them again.

A court date was set for December 18th, 2007, and my attorney tried unsuccessfully to contact Ruth or “D” to offer them a ride to court but neither Ruth nor “D” showed. I had no idea what I would do if they changed their minds again about wanting Aubrey back, I couldn’t let her go. I was still in contact with Ruth and I reminded her of the court date but to no avail, she told me that “she didn’t have a chance to get back with our attorney before the hearing.” I tried not to let the worry seep in, but I was restless about our future with Aubrey nonetheless.

I also knew that Ruth was still looking for her own place to live and on December 23, she told me she had found a place close to her work, yet she hadn’t completely moved in.

The children all wanted to see Ruth so we asked if she would like to meet us for dinner the next day on Christmas Eve. There was a raging snowstorm on our way to Salt Lake but we were determined to meet with Ruth that night. She was working in down town and we planned to meet after she finished work, her choice was to meet at Olive Garden. The restaurant was almost completely empty. As we walked in the front doors another group of people came in directly behind us. There were two pilots and a stewardess from back east staying in Salt Lake for a layover. They asked us “are these ALL you children?” I told them “yes” and we exchanged small-talk for a bit. I really wanted to say “we are meeting our children’s birth mother here tonight” but they were already shocked by the number of children we had so I didn’t want to put them over the edge with that revelation!

Ruth was a little late so we were all seated when she arrived. Dinner was fun and the kids had Ruth laughing quite a bit, she has braces so she would try not to smile with her teeth but then she almost couldn’t help it. I loved to see them all interact with each other, Aubrey was a little shy at first but then she warmed right up at the end and let Ruth hold her and feed her, it was an amazing evening to be a part of. The boys also brought a small Christmas tree for her and decorated it with mini-ornaments; they were so excited to give it to her!

After dinner the boys walked with Ruth and I back to her car while Mykel took the girls to get our vehicle. The snow was really thick and had already covered her windshield and all of her windows. The boys went to work cleaning off her car and loading up the presents and little tree they had brought for her (careful not to lose any of the tiny ornaments). Cole was so concerned about Ruth’s wellbeing so he asked her “are you lonely?” Each of the boys gave her a hug before they got in our van to leave. It was such a touching moment watching them talk, smile and hug each other. I was hoping I could be invisible at that moment so they could just act natural and not worry about me being there.

Ruth had parked a few blocks from the restaurant, so by the time Mykel pulled up behind her car to pick us up we were just finishing our goodbyes. When I got in the car I told Mykel what had just transpired and then I said “how different it is that we get to drive away with her five beautiful children and she is left alone…” my heart just ached for her, here I was sitting in a warm car with my husband, surrounded by my children, going home on Christmas Eve to a nice home filled with food and presents waiting for “Santa to arrive” yet Ruth didn’t even have a bed to sleep in. I wanted to just call her back and take her home with us, but that wasn’t the solution either. I wanted to make everyone happy in this scenario, but that was out of my control.

Our Story, Part 44 - "Take Good Care of Her"

On Saturday June 2, 2007, I was out grocery shopping with my kids. As I was walking to my car I got a text from Ruth asking me to stop by her house that afternoon. I lived 3 ½ hours away, so it wasn’t just like I could pick up and leave right then and I had already been to her house twice that week, but I knew something was different this time because my knees immediately started shaking when I read the text.

I told her that luckily my sister had to go to Salt Lake City and take her son to the airport that afternoon and I could ride out with her. I took my kids home, told Mykel the news and got ready to go meet with Ruth and her husband. It seemed like the longest drive to get there that day, and since I wasn’t driving and it wasn’t my car, I just had to follow where everyone else was going. We met one of my other sisters in Salt Lake so the cousins could visit for a while, then I finally dropped my sister and her son off at the Salt Lake Airport. I was a few hours late to meet with Ruth and her husband. By the time I got to their house Ruth had already gone to work. I asked her husband if he wanted me to come back later but he invited me in. I could see Aubrey crawling around on the floor and we went and sat on the couch to talk. A few minutes later he asked me if I could go outside to a little storage shed and talk to him.

This is where my crazy imagination started to run wild, I thought “what if he is going to take me out to the shed and kill me; no one knows where I am at…” I laughed at myself for thinking that, but I thought the request was quite odd and I remember watching Oprah once where she said to "listen to your gut when you feel strange about a situation…." Then he said “I want to talk to you outside so my brother doesn’t hear us.” That was a valid reason because I knew that he and Ruth were being kicked out of his brother’s house, so I assumed that was why he wanted to keep our conversation private. This helped shake my heebie-jeebies so I followed him outside (besides, he was carrying Aubrey, so that made me feel a little safer).

It was a VERY hot June day and the air inside the shed was scorching! As I have mentioned before, I always sweat to death when I am nervous, but now I had an excuse to actually be sweating, it was roasting inside the shed (no breeze whatsoever) and I had on a long sleeve shirt and jeans. We were both standing up to talk and he was holding Aubrey for most of the time (she was only dressed in a diaper and a onesie) and she was squirming in his arms and wanting to get down and crawl around.

We talked for well over an hour. I had so many crazy thoughts running through my head but I was trying to focus on every detail of what he was saying and pay close attention to everything he said so I could give an educated answer to his questions. At one point he mentioned that he and Ruth were thinking about placing Aubrey with us in a few months because of financial reasons and because they had no idea where they were going to live. I tried to help him with some options and offered to help them look for a place to live. We kept talking and at the end of the conversation he asked “do you want to take her home today?” I asked him what Ruth thought and he said that she already knew. I then asked him if Ruth wanted to say goodbye to her and he said that she already had. I finally answered him and said “I would love to take her home with me.”

We then went back inside the house (the air conditioning didn’t work but it was much cooler indoors!) He started packing up Aubrey’s bottles, formula and kitchen items and explaining what her schedule was. I tried to act intelligent and ask questions about her care, but mostly I just listened to what he was saying, I was still in shock. I was amazed at how organized he was about all of Aubrey’s bottles, food and her daily schedule (he had all of her bottles sanitized and gave her distilled water with her formula). He was taking extremely good care of her and I could tell she was happy and healthy.

He had some coupon vouchers for more formula, so we decided to go to the store and pick it up. We all got in the car together, he put Aubrey’s car seat in the van and we headed to the store. We walked around the grocery store; I was carrying Aubrey most of the time and I suppose to most people we just looked like a young family out grocery shopping. It is times like these that I remember not to assume or pre-judge people that I see because obviously no one could imagine the true scenario of our being together at the store that day….

By the time we got back to his house Aubrey needed to be changed. I put a new diaper on her but he didn’t offer me any new clothes, so I just put the onesie back on her. We then loaded up all of her stuff (a few diapers, formula and bottles) and he walked me out to my vehicle. He carefully buckled Aubrey in, kissed her goodbye, laid her favorite blanket on her seat and then looked at me and said “take good care of her” – I could tell his voice was cracking and he was having a hard time saying goodbye to her. My emotions were at the surface as well and I tried to hold back my tears, I promised him that I would take good care of her. He watched me back out of the driveway and leave and it was difficult to compose myself as I drove off and left him standing there alone.

Aubrey 2008

Our Story, Part 43 - Not Knowing

After Aubrey’s birth I was in the “not knowing” stage again. Ruth had mentioned several times that she was thinking about placing Aubrey with our family so I never knew from one day to the next if I would get a phone call asking me to come and pick her up, it was so hard to plan for anything!

Over the ensuing months I would occasionally talk to Ruth via e-mail but sometimes I had no idea what to say or the gall to tell Ruth how I really felt. I was not trying to take her daughter away from her, but knowing that I may eventually get to be Aubrey’s mother and raise her, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her! My husband’s insurance at the time would cover adoption expenses if a child was placed within 90 days of birth, so I gave Ruth that information in hopes that she and her husband would make a decision one way or the other.

I want to make it clear that if at any time Ruth had said she was not interested in placing Aubrey or had decided to raise her on her own, I would not have kept the topic open for discussion. I had such high hopes that Ruth would be able to raise Aubrey, I knew this was her last chance at being a mother and I knew she regretted having her tubes tied (she told me she regretted it as soon as she had done it).

It was so difficult for me to try and go on with my life as normal, knowing that at any time I may get a call to go and pick up another child. One week I would get an e-mail from Ruth stating that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce and if she got a divorce then she would place the baby with our family. The next week I would get another e-mail saying that she and her husband needed a place to live. It was so hard to try and remain neutral and supportive!

In April 2007, when Aubrey was six months old, I got an e-mail from Ruth stating how unhappy she was in the marriage and that she really needed to leave the situation. I lived several hours away and there was nothing immediate that I could do. By the end of May 2007 Ruth really needed to move from where she was at. I offered to go help her and her husband find an apartment. Mykel and I were taking the kids out to Lagoon (a family amusement part) for the weekend and I told Ruth I would be in town for a few days if she needed any help. I had come to terms with the fact that Aubrey may never be placed with our family and I could live with that, it was having my emotions toyed with that was making me crazy!

On May 29 I got an e-mail from Ruth asking if I could help them find an apartment. I had been looking online and making calls to help them find a place to live but nothing was panning out. Finally I decided to just go out and help them physically look for a place. I drove the three and a half hours to their house and picked them all up, Ruth, her husband and Aubrey (yes, it was a little awkward). We had a few appointments to look at some apartments and made calls as we drove around (the silence was almost deafening in the car...and the small talk was almost nil). There were several places that would work but when they filled out the rental application they were denied because Ruth’s husband had a felony on his record (so depressing because Ruth could qualify on her own but not together). After driving around all day (we did stop for lunch) I finally took them back home because Ruth had to go to work. I stayed and talked with her husband for a long time about their situation (I also got to hold Aubrey).

After a very LONG, emotionally exhausting day I drove another three and a half hours home by myself, (this was my second trip to the city in less than a week). I had no idea by the end of that same week I would be asked to come back, but this time I didn’t leave by myself… my life was about to change in a big way, again!

Our Story, Part 42 - Aubrey is born!

In October 2006 my younger brother Kelly planned a family get together for Halloween. He and his wife Sandi love Halloween so we all bought tickets to take a “Haunted train ride” up the canyon. Mykel and I took the kids out the day before (it was a 3 hour trip) and we stayed the weekend with some of our friends. While I was there I got the call that Ruth was going to the hospital to have her baby.

I guess I was wrong when I said I didn’t have pictures of me with any of my children at the hospital. The day after Aubrey was born I visited Ruth at the hospital. We weren’t talking about placing the baby at that point (she had alluded to the possibility of placing her, but it wasn’t brought up during our visit). Ruth was married and we were all hoping that things would work out for her and that she would be able to raise her last daughter (she got her tubes tied with the last pregnancy).

When I pulled up to the hospital and found a parking spot my heart was beating out of my chest, I just never knew what to expect or what would happen. My good friend Andrea came with me to the hospital and I decided to take Ava as well (Mykel stayed home with the boys to tend, it was too hard for him to go). We stopped at the hospital gift shop and brought a few presents to give to Ruth and the new baby. Ava wanted Oreo’s and she made a huge mess in Ruth’s room with her cookies! I took my camera so I could get some pictures of Ava with her little sister. I had no idea if they would be able to have a relationship in the future and I wanted to have the pictures to show to Mykel and the boys.

Ava with Aubrey the day after she was born.

I was nervous to hold the baby (but I get nervous holding ANY baby, it is not an easy thing for me to do). Luckily my friend Andrea isn’t shy; she held the baby first and helped Ava hold her. She was so tiny and adorable, I took pictures of her tiny toes... it was unbelievable how she was such a perfect mix of Ruth and her husband! My feelings were mixed, I had been in this position several times before and it was always so painful.

I had so many questions going through my head…could this be my child at some point in the future? How much emotion do I show? Do I act indifferent so I don’t put any pressure on Ruth? How do I show support when I am secretly longing to have this little girl be a part of our family and grow up with her siblings?

We only stayed for about 20 minutes and right before we left I was able to hold Aubrey for the first time.

It would be eight months until I would hold her again.

Our Story, Part 41 - The News

A few weeks after Ava’s adoption was finalized in August 2004, our little yellow house sold. We had been talking about moving “back home” where Mykel and I grew up to raise the kids, but we weren’t in a hurry.

In 2005 we moved back to where my husband grew up, a tiny little town that doesn’t even have a stop light (we love it there!). A few months before we moved Ruth’s brother, sister and mother were visiting from back East and they stopped by our house to meet Ava and the boys. I was amazed by the resemblance of my oldest son Bryan with Ruth’s brother (his biologic uncle), my son still has hopes he can inherit some of their height!

Ruth and I kept in touch via e-mail, but the visits were quite infrequent at this point, especially now that we moved several hours away. In early 2006 Ruth wrote me to let me know that she had met someone else and was thinking about getting married. I was really happy for her and in my heart I was truly hoping this would be the chance she had dreamt about of being married and raising a family.

In June 2006 I got an e-mail from Ruth telling me she was expecting another girl. I was so happy for her! But in the same e-mail she also said she was unhappy in her marriage.

In August 2006 I met with Ruth and her husband for lunch, I took Ava with me because Ruth hadn’t seen her for over a year. Ava was being so cute and just playing around. It was fun to see them interact together. Ruth took pictures of her in the car with my camera and I took a few pictures of Ruth and her husband. I talked to them about their baby and what they wanted to name her when she was born (she was due in October), how she was feeling, etc. I didn’t take the boys with me because I hadn’t told them that Ruth was expecting and we weren’t sure how to share the news with them yet.

Pictures of Ava that Ruth took on the way home from our lunch meeting.

In September 2006 I got another e-mail from Ruth stating that she was moving back to Missouri to be with her family and have the baby there (without her husband), but within a few days she came back to Utah because the living arrangements didn’t work out. They (Ruth and her husband) were looking for an apartment and I offered to help.

With all of this going on I knew that at some point there may be a chance of us raising another child. I didn’t want to assume anything, but in the back of mind I knew it was a possibility. I just had no idea how things were going to play out or what to plan for because I had no control over the situation…. I could never have imagined how the next few weeks and months would unfold.

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." ~ Charlie Brown

Our Story, Part 40 - Favorite Memories

"Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~ Norman MacEwan

I almost forgot one of my favorite memories of Ava… As I have mentioned before, there are so many things that were meant to be with regards to my life and the adoption of my children. Two years before Ava was born we bought a little house in the inner city. We had been living in a condo with a tiny yard and we needed a place for the boys to play. I love looking at houses for sale and the internet made it that much easier to browse… I found a little yellow house with white shutters (I love older homes) and it had a HUGE fenced in back yard (exactly what I was looking for). It wasn’t in the ideal location, but the price was right and I was dying to have some room for my boys to play outside. I just KNEW this home was where we were meant to be at the time and I realized later it was because the people we met while we lived there would become lifelong friends. A few posts ago I mentioned my friends who went and took Ava to meet her birth father. Well, those friends were actually sisters, Rachel and Leslie that I met when I lived in my little yellow house.

Ava on the front steps of our little yellow house

One of the hardest things for me about adoption was the planning (or lack thereof). I love to plan things; I like to know what is going to happen far in advance. The one thing I had no control over was when we were going to “have” children. I had no idea that a little girl was in our future after the adoptions of our three boys. I had given all my baby stuff away by the time Ava was even born, and if you have been following this story you know that I had less than an hour to prepare for her arrival (I guess less than that because right after I got the phone call I went and picked her up!). Anyway, my friends knew that I didn’t have anything for a baby, let alone a baby girl.

At this time in our life we were hanging out with some other neighbors that we had met, the Laings. They were a young couple who didn’t have any children so they would come to our house several times a week, sometimes we would watch movies, play with the kids, go play tennis, whatever we could think of, they were a little extension of our family and we had a lot of good times (I miss those days!). One night we decided to go out for dinner with just the adults (which was very rare), so we got a baby-sitter and headed for “The Pantheon.” The whole dinner everyone was acting strange (except me of course)… they kept looking at their watches and checking the time. We finally made it home and everyone was trying to find an excuse for me to go over to our church, and bring Ava with me ~ I finally made it easy for them and just went!

I walked in to an entire room filled with my friends and neighbors patiently waiting for me to arrive for a surprise baby shower! Many of the ladies who attended were over 70 years old and had lived in our neighborhood for a long time (I feel so bad that we were late!). They made Ava several beautiful hand-knitted and crocheted baby quilts, gave me pink girl PJ’s and clothes, gift cards to buy a stroller, and one of my friends had even made a wall hanging with Ava’s name and birth date on it. I cannot express how wonderful it felt to be in a room filled with people who were there to support me and my family. It is one of my most cherished memories. Most of my friends have since moved from that neighborhood, but I know we were all meant to be there at that time to help each other and to meet each other. Thank you!

Before I end this post and move on with the story of my youngest daughter’s adoption, I just wanted to add a few quotes that have come from my children over the years with regards to adoption (and being adopted). I know my children’s birth mother was concerned that they may be having a hard time with being adopted (she and I had lunch yesterday and discussed this a little bit), so I thought I would share some of their thoughts in their own words:

“I love you as much as Jesus loves us.”

“I am glad Ruth did the right thing” – Preston said this when he was five.

“I am so glad that you are my mother and that you adopted me.”

“Heavenly Father must have taken 2000 years to make you such good parents.”

“Thank you for adopting me, I love you.”

“We have the best family ever!”

“If your tummy worked you wouldn’t have had us!”

“Mommy, is love full of surprises?”

“I can’t stop loving you.” –Preston and I were holding hands and walking together.

“I love you mom” – My personal favorite that I get to hear almost every day.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

Our Story, Part 39 - Post Placement Study and Finalization

Home Study: A home study is sometimes called an "adoption study," and is a written report containing the findings of the social worker who has met on several occasions with the prospective adoptive parents, has visited their home, and who has investigated the health, medical, criminal, family and home background of the adoptive parents. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child, based on the criteria that have been established by state law. Credit (Adoption.com)

Even though we had two previous home studies performed with the adoption of our three boys, I had never requested a copy of the final report. I decided to ask for one with Ava’s home study. Here is a small excerpt written by our social worker:

"Status of Placement:
The Henries reported to me that the birth father completed the relinquishment of his parental rights on May 21, 2004 before a Notary Public to accomplish this termination. A copy of his relinquishment is included in the adoptive file. The birth mother relinquished her rights on May 27, 2004. She had an attorney help her do this.

The Henries were relieved to know that both the birth father and mother have stepped forward to do this. The Henries have not put any pressure on the birth parents to make their decision. In fact, the Henries have been very open with both birth parents regarding Ava being placed in their home and have reported how she is developing.


Adjustment of Children in the Home:
By reports from both Mr. and Mrs. Henrie they have not experienced any problems with Ava being placed in their home. Actually, the placement has gone exceptionally well for both the parents and the children. The Henries further report that the three boys, Bryan, Cole and Preston 'simply adore' their little sister. They spend much of their waking hours playing with her and ensure she is taken care of the best way they know how. Of course this is under the guidance of the parents.

When I visited the family today they were having a picnic in their back yard with some neighbors. The children were all playing with each other and their friends. Ava was actively involved with others. She is now walking on her own and has been since the first part of June. I observed all of the children interacting with each other for a good part of an hour. During this time I saw how well they played together and how the boys would attend to their sister on many occasions. Ava even began to interact with me by bringing a toy or food item to share with me. I believe this indicates how comfortable she feels and the trust she has with someone else besides family members.



Recommendations:
Therefore, it is my recommendation that the placement of Ava continue as she now feels this is her home. The bonding between all family members with Ava is very strong. Mr. and Mrs. Henrie see Ava as though she is their own biological child. This adoption worker would further recommend that there is no better home for Ava than where she is currently placed."

This is just a small excerpt as the entire "Post-Placement Adoption Report" is over 30 pages long.

Ava’s adoption was finalized on August 17, 2004, when she was a year and a half old. We went in front of a female judge this time and the experience was quite different. We were the only ones in the courtroom besides the judge, the bailiff and our attorney. While our attorney addressed the judge I was trying desperately to keep the boys quiet. They wanted to keep bouncing up and down on fold-away seats. I don’t know why I stressed so much about keeping them quiet. I guess in the back of my head I was thinking “the judge is probably going to wonder about my parenting abilities to take care of this little girl if I can’t take care of my other children!”

The entire procedure probably took about 15-20 minutes. After we signed the paperwork stating that Ava “shall be regarded and treated in all respects as their natural and lawful child,” Cole wanted to run up and give the judge a hug and tell her “thank you" (I did too). The bailiff reacted quickly to a little boy running up to the front of the courtroom and tried to stop him, but then I explained what he wanted to do. The judge was very gracious about letting my other children hug her and tell her “thank you for allowing their little sister to be a part of our family.” The boys were so excited when we were finished and the paperwork was signed; they knew that Ava couldn’t be taken away from us now!

It is weird how things can change with the signing of the adoption decree. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been so worried about my little Ava having to leave our family and now I knew that “legally” she was my little girl. I couldn't stop smiling and hugging and kissing her soft little cheeks!

When people ask me about my children and I try to tell them a little bit of the story, there is always one inevitable question? Why did their mother keep having children?

Ruth and Ava

That answer to that question is not my story to tell. Throughout the telling of “Our Story” on my blog, I have to leave out many details and background of the people involved. There are many other sequences of events that were going on behind the scenes that I am not at liberty to divulge. These “details” may give readers more insight as to why Ruth relinquished her children, but that is her narrative, not mine.

I cannot fault Ruth for wanting to have more children. I am so glad she did, I could never thank her enough for allowing me the opportunity to be a mother and to raise these wonderful children. I have nothing but love and respect for her and the hard choices she has had to make in her life. I love being a mother and I know that it has only been through Ruth that I have been given this chance. Thank you is not enough!

Our Story, Part 38 - “Enjoy the Journey"

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”

– Proverbs 17.23

Ava with her grandpa - Summer 2004

The spring and summer of 2004 was an amazing test of my faith. At times it seemed like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, I was exhausted everyday with stress and worry that Ava would be taken away from us, but we also enjoyed many precious days together and created wonderful memories as a family. Ava was with our family for 8 ½ months before her adoption was finalized. For those 8 ½ months she wasn’t really “ours.” I know I will get criticism for saying that because some people feel she wasn’t really “ours” in the first place, but she was placed in our home, not by us begging for a child but because her mother felt it was the best place for her to be. When we were finally able to meet with Ava’s birth father he also agreed with her being in our home. I found a line from another adoption blog that I think applies to our situation “adoption is not designed to find babies for people who want them, but rather, to provide homes for children who need a home.”

Camping at Yellowstone in the Spring of 2004

Looking back now I can see how so many people were placed in our path to help us along. Many times I was inspired to make a phone call, write a note or ask a certain question and my life was blessed by listening to those promptings. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and for a Heavenly Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses and is aware of what I am capable of.

Together at an amusement park (I love how Cole and Preston can't let go of Ava).

I am still friends with Ava’s birth father. I share pictures of Ava with him, he has sent her presents for Christmas and writes notes to her via e-mail (all of which I keep for her to read as she gets older and understands more). I am sharing my experience with open adoption with hopes that others will realize that open adoption can and does work. It may not be appropriate in all situations and it is definitely not easy ~ most things in life that are worth anything are not easy while you are going through them, but adversity shapes our lives and makes us who we are and who we will become.

Graduation Day (finally!) with Mykel and Ava!

"Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.
Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.

This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.

Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows. " Thomas S. Monson

Credit: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=92764bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I had to stop stressing about things I had no control over and instead “find joy in the journey” and oh what a journey it has been!

Our Story, Part 37 - Not Your Typical Day at the Mall

The next part of this story is so amazing to me, even looking back now I can’t believe how things turned out. I have been blessed with so many miracles in my life!

Ava’s birth father called me as promised two days later…. I still remember how nervous I was to talk to him; I kept pacing around my living room while I tried to talk on the phone. I was surprised at how well he and I were able to talk about the situation at hand. He was very open about what he wanted for Ava and what his expectations were. I think we talked for almost an hour (I was sweating profusely the whole time) but by the end of the phone call he said that he would consent to allow us to adopt Ava! My heart literally felt like it would burst with joy at the news. I had grown so immensely attached to my little curly-headed girl… I couldn’t imagine her leaving our family; I didn’t even want to imagine it, even though the thought of it haunted me daily.

The next part was getting the paperwork prepared, then arrange a time for us to meet to get the documents signed. The way I understood the law in my state was that a birth father could relinquish his rights in front of a Notary Public ~ but when I contacted my attorney he said that he would have to go in front of a District Court Judge to relinquish. My heart sank with the news! I had told Ava’s birth father (in the letter I had written to him) that he would only have to appear in front of a Notary (he didn’t want to go to court). I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to him, so I did a little research on my own.

I studied the adoption law for my state and the way I understood it the law read that the birth father could relinquish in front of a Notary. I copied and sent that section of law in an e-mail to my attorney. A few days later he wrote back to tell me that I was right; Ava’s birth father was only required to go in front of a Notary! One huge hurdle avoided!

It took a few weeks for my attorney to prepare the paperwork and then he sent me the documents via e-mail. I printed them out and called Ava’s birth father back. When I called him to set up a time to meet he said that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted us to adopt Ava. My heart sank. He said he wanted to talk to someone and then he would call me back in a few hours…. Those few hours drug on for an entire day. I think I fell asleep with the phone in my hand so I wouldn’t miss his call. He finally called me back and said he would meet me to sign the relinquishment! I can't begin to describe how nervous I was waiting for his call and then how ecstatic I was with the news!

We decided to meet in a public place that we were both familiar with (I had no idea what to expect). We arranged to meet at the food court of a local mall. I remember on the way to meet him I was on the phone with my attorney (yes, I was talking and driving….), he said “Camille, you are either insane or a saint, I am not sure which one!" It was such a funny comment coming from my attorney that I still remember exactly where I was on the freeway when he said that to me….weird how those kind of memories stick with you.

Meeting at the food court was another surreal experience. I sat there with four copies of the necessary paperwork waiting for Ava’s birth father to show up (praying he would show). He brought his lunch over and we sat and talked for about a half hour while he ate (again I was so nervous I was sweating clear to my waist… I should seriously do something about my sweating problem!)

There was a bank at the mall so after he ate lunch we went to the bank to get the paperwork signed. Once the paperwork is signed (according to the laws of our state), relinquishment is irrevocable. There was only one Notary at the bank so we had to sit and wait our turn. There was a young boy and his mother ahead of us opening up a new bank account, they were taking forever (more like 45 minutes) and the longer I sat there the more the sweat kept dripping off my elbows, at this point I couldn’t even lift up my arms, it was too embarrassing ~ and I was running out of things to say.

Finally it was our turn. I put the paperwork on the desk and the Notary asked what we were there for… such an odd situation to try and explain. Picture me and my daughter’s birth father together at the bank signing such a life-changing document... unfathomable. The Notary kept fumbling for words - he really couldn’t understand the situation either... he just kept looking at the two of us across the desk from him, sitting their chatting back and forth like old friends.

Ava’s birth father signed the documents (he had read them and was given a copy previously) and I gave him his copy and I took the other three, one for court, one original and one for me. We waved goodbye to each other and he went up the escalator and left. I am still amazed at how much life can change with the signing of a piece of paper, something so small yet so significant.

I practically floated on air to my car. I instantly called my husband to tell him the good news, then I called my attorney… he couldn’t believe how smoothly it all went; he was actually at a loss for words. I called Ruth last, I knew she was waiting for me to call her, but I knew that our conversation would take the longest. She was so relieved that he signed the paperwork.

I couldn’t wait to get home ~ hug and tell the boys the good news, hug Ava and then celebrate! I got in my car to drive home… I stuck my arms out the window and dried off all the sweat (don’t worry, I only put one arm out at a time). I was on cloud nine!

Our Story, Part 36 - The Meeting

The meeting was scheduled for early afternoon. It seemed like the longest morning of my life! I kept reading and revising the letter I made for Ava’s birth father and the rest of the time I paced the floor (literally). I was so scared and worried about what would happen....running all the different scenarios through my head.

I finally got Ava ready and took her over to my friend’s house. I put her car seat in the back of my friend’s little red Honda and buckled her in. I kept telling my friends “call me as soon as you know something, the INSTANT the meeting is over!” I then stood on the front lawn and watched them drive away with my little Ava girl. I kept having these nightmares that it would be the last time I saw her or something drastic like that…

The next two hours were shear torture wondering how things were going (I was prone to imagine the worst). I was basically useless as a human being. I just sat on my couch and tried to read, I had already cleaned my entire house so there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait, willing the phone to ring with any news.

True to their word, the minute they left the meeting my friends called me. Here is my recollection of what they told me:

When they first got there they met with Ava’s birth father and his mother and brother (and his brother’s girlfriend). They commented on how well Ava looked and “how well Ruth had been taking such good care of her.” They said at first everyone acted rather distant and unapproachable…. Then they gave the letter and album to Ava’s birth father. He left the group to go for a walk and to read the letter privately. My friend then gave Ava’s grandmother the picture album that I had been inspired to prepare for her.

A short while later Ava’s birth father came back and asked his mother to read the letter. My friend’s said that after they were finished reading the letter the mood and spirit of the group completely changed and everyone warmed up considerably. All of a sudden they had a million questions for my friends about us, they wanted to know about Ava, they wanted to know what kind of people we were, about her other siblings, if we were religious and everything else they could think of. They looked through the pictures I had given them (of course I gave them the most adorable pictures of Ava when she was happy and smiling), and they commented on how happy she looked.

Ava during the meeting.... sitting on the lap of her grandmother.

They took some pictures of Ava with their Polaroid camera and since a Wal-mart was conveniently located across the street from the McDonald’s, my friends went and made copies for me (I knew I sent the right people for the job, I couldn’t have asked for better advocates! I am so grateful they took the time to do this for me and my family!)

I asked my friends what they remembered of that day and this is what one of them wrote: “I remember being somewhat nervous… what if meeting [Ava’s birth father] didn’t go smooth or peaceful? But to my delight, it did! I can’t remember any of the conversation. Maybe we didn’t talk much. I remember [Ava’s birth father] laying eyes on Ava and I’m sure it was a surreal feeling for him.”

At the end of the meeting Ava’s birth father told my friends that he would consider allowing Ava to be adopted, he just needed a few days to think about it. He said he would call me in the next few days with his answer (I had left my phone number in the letter). My friends said he seemed positive and open to the possibility of allowing Ava to be part of our family….. YEAH! I started jumping around my living room after I got off the phone with my friends. Now I just had a few more days to wait for another phone call... and I had to call Ruth and tell her what happened at the meeting and about my decision to tell Ava's birth father that she was living with us...

Our Story, Part 35 - The Phone Call

The dreaded phone call came in April. Ava’s birth father contacted Ruth and wanted to see Ava (the phone calls were made between their respective attorneys). It is ironic that I answered the phone call in almost the exact same place as I answered the phone call from Valorie four months earlier asking us if we wanted a little girl. After I got off the phone I remember feeling like my chest was on fire, I felt dizzy and I had to go lie down. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Ava and I were the only ones home at the time and she was sleeping when the phone call came in. I went in and checked on her and then I just lay on the couch and cried. I had no idea what I would do if my little girl was taken away from me. I know that sounds selfish because Ruth had allowed her to come to our family… but that is how I felt. Maybe that is partly how Ruth felt when I came to pick her Ava up, I couldn’t even begin to imagine her pain.

A little while later after I composed myself, I called Mykel at work to relay the news, the boys were all at school and we decided that we wouldn’t tell them, they didn’t need to worry.

Ava’s birth father wanted to see her the next day. His mother and brother were going to be in town and wanted to see her as well. To me, this was a bad sign; having more family come and see her would only make them fall in love with her like we did…. And lessen the possibility of them allowing her to be adopted by our family.

Because Ava’s father had no idea that she was in our care, we had to make arrangements for someone to take Ava and meet him. Two of my close friends (who knew Ruth) agreed to take Ava and meet with her birth father’s family. Of all places the designated meeting spot was McDonald’s.

At this point Ruth was still adamant that we not tell Ava’s father that she was with us, but I felt differently. After I received the phone call, I realized I couldn’t just keep waiting, I had to do something. After much prayer and contemplation, I decided to write Ava’s father a letter explaining everything. I felt if we were open and honest with him he would be more receptive to the idea of allowing Ava to become part of our family. I was also inspired to make picture albums for Ava’s birth father and her grandmother that were coming to see her.

I rushed to the store that night and made copies of several pictures I had of her and put together the photo albums. I also agonized over every detail of the message and thoughts I was putting down on paper as I wrote to Ava’s birth father. I basically laid everything on the line with that letter… and now we would just have to wait, again.

Our Story, Part 34 - The Waiting Game

When I arrived at my sister-in-law's with Ava on New Year’s Eve the boys were downstairs watching a movie. They were so ecstatic when they finally realized who I was holding in my arms! The first question was “do we get to keep her?” That was the one question I didn't have an answer for because I couldn’t honestly tell them “yes.”

Ruth still didn’t want us contacting Ava’s father. Our only other option to hope for relinquishment was to wait it out. Our attorney advised us to not do anything. We had to wait until Ava was at least a year old and see if her birth father contacted Ruth for visitation. After at least one year if he hadn’t called or asked for visitation we could base the reason for relinquishment partly on abandonment. We had two months until her first birthday.

Mykel painting Ava's fingernails

I tried to go on with my day-to-day living knowing at any time we could receive a phone call that would take Ava away from our family (darn those life changing phone calls!) I did all I could do on my end to be as prepared as possible. Because of Ava’s ethnicity, I had to find out if she qualified under the “Indian Child Welfare Act” (ICWA) and if she was an official part of the tribe her father belonged to. I spent several days making phone calls and researching ICWA and what it entailed. I knew that if Ava fell under ICWA, our attorney wouldn’t even touch the case because of the complexity of it all (she would be placed with a family in that tribe first before anyone else) which is exactly what Ruth didn’t want to happen. I finally made some headway and got the answer I needed, she didn’t qualify! We were one step further to having Ava be a permanent part of our family!

Next I had to figure out what to do with my schedule. I was still working full-time, but mostly from home. I only had to go to the office one day a week, which I usually did when Mykel was home with the boys. They were all in school during the day so that is when I attended class; I only had two semesters left before I finished my bachelor’s degree. I really just wanted to quit school and work at that point. My job paid for my tuition, but I had to come up with the money first and then after I received my grades and turned in the necessary paperwork I could be reimbursed. I had no idea what I was going to do for tuition because we had spent most of the money getting what we needed for Ava.

Then my brother-in-law Teryn called me the very day I needed to register for school. We would call each other randomly to check in (we are the same age, graduated from high school together and were still close friends). I told him my dilemma and asked him what he thought I should do (he always gave good advice!) His question to me was “is it only money that is holding you back from finishing school?” I told him that was part of the reason and he said “what is your account information, I will send you the $1000 that you need for tuition.” I knew I couldn’t quit then! He was always doing things like that to help other people. I am happy to say I was able to pay him back at the end of the semester!

I think this part of the story is even more meaningful to me because it has been almost two years since my brother-in-law Teryn passed away. I am having a hard time writing any of this because of each time I think of this moment in time my mind is filled with memories of him; his laugh, his generosity and our friendship. I wouldn’t have made it through this period of my life without him and his support of my family. Thank you Teryn, I miss you!

Stopping at Teryn's on our way to St. George (Teryn is on the left)

I plodded along with school and work and somehow the arrangement with a new baby worked. At the end of February we celebrated Ava's first birthday (one milestone down without a phone call). We hadn’t heard anything from Ava’s birth father and Ruth still didn’t want us to contact him. We just had to wait and hope.

Our Story, Part 33 - Ava

Do you ever have those moments that feel surreal, like you are watching yourself from another vantage point? The rest of New Year’s Eve was like that for me. Ruth was living in a Logan, (about a 45 minute drive from where we lived at the time), so after I talked with Mykel and made arrangements for the boys, I finished getting ready and was on my way within about 15 minutes after the phone call. During the quiet drive to Logan I had time to reflect on the enormity of the entire situation. I had just barely come to terms with the reality that I would only be having the three boys, especially after the finality of a hysterectomy. I had given away every baby thing I owned; I didn’t have a crib, car seat, high chair or anything anymore, and I especially didn’t have any baby girl clothes. But those were the least of my worries.

I had no idea what the situation was with Ruth’s husband. I only knew that she didn’t invite him to the birth and that he had only seen the baby on two occasions since she was born, I also knew they were in the middle of a divorce. I had no idea if he knew I was on my way to pick up his little girl or what his thoughts were on the subject. As with the prior three adoptions, all the children were placed in my care without relinquishment paperwork signed, so Ruth (or the birth father) had the legal right to come and take the baby back at any time. Mykel and I were just assigned guardianship (basically baby-sitting).

The first night with Ava

When I arrived at Ruth and Valorie’s apartment I started shaking again, I was so nervous! I had no idea what I was going to say, (what do you really say in this type of situation?) words are basically worthless.

When I walked in the apartment I could see Ruth folding baby clothes and packing the diaper bag. We talked about the baby’s schedule, what she liked and didn’t like, how she liked to sleep, how often she ate, etc. it was all very informal and casual (even though I was still shaking like crazy).

A year prior when Ruth and I met that day in the lounge of the hospital and had the two hour talk, I had asked her what she intended to name the baby. She said “Ava.” The name actually took me a while to warm up to, but then I came to love it. So during the time that I was driving Ruth to and from her doctor appointments, and when we would discuss the baby with the boys, we always referred to her as “Ava.”

Ava's first morning with us

When Ruth had the baby she decided to name her Skylynne Dawn; her mom told me once it was because the reflection of the Sky in her eyes when she was born (I think having to do with the time she was born or something like that). Anyway, for the past 10 months the baby had been called “Skye” (she is half Native-American descent). When we referred to the baby at home, we always called her “Ava” (we ended up naming her “Ava Skye”).

I was only at Ruth and Valorie’s house for about 20-30 minutes before everything was ready for me to leave. Ruth put Ava in her car seat while I took her belongings to my car. When I came back up to the apartment I didn’t know what to say or how to say goodbye. I asked Ruth if she wanted time alone with her or if she would like to walk with me to my car. She said her goodbyes.... and then I took Ava with me.

About a week after her arrival - she is so adorable!

I was still in that completely surreal state, I felt numb, scared, and overwhelmed. I got Ava’s car seat all buckled and I started the drive home. I knew Mykel was anxious to see us and I was so excited for the boys to see their sister again! I had only been driving for about 15 minutes when she started crying. I pulled over at a gas station to get some warm water and make her a bottle. I still remember holding her and feeding her while I sat in my car, it was one of those moments I will always cherish. I was in love with her already.

Our Story, Part 32 - New Year's Eve Surprise

In the fall of 2003 the boys were all in school and things were just beginning to relax around our house (if that is possible with three small boys). By December 2003, it had been a month since my hysterectomy ~ I was on the mend, feeling great, and enjoying a break from school for a few weeks! (Last night I watched our family home video from Christmas of that year and it was so much fun to see the boys on Christmas morning opening their presents and seeing how young all of us looked. I couldn’t believe it had been six years since that Christmas in 1997 when the boys first came to live with us!) Little did we know that our lives were about to change again!


New Year's Eve 2003
I had only been home from work for a few minutes when I heard the phone ring. I was in the basement and had to run up to the kitchen to find the phone (I was out of breath from running). I looked at the caller ID and recognized the name and number…instantly my heart started racing and I was almost couldn't push the “talk” button because I was shaking so bad. I was barely able to answer because I knew it was Ruth’s number.

I said “hello” and after the obligatory pleasantries I realized it was Valorie’s voice on the other end of the phone. Valorie then said softly, “Do you want a little girl?” It was another one of those moments that just stop time. I was standing in my tiny 9x12 kitchen, leaning against the table and looking out the front window at the snow. I didn't even sit down. I am quite sure my mouth was agape. You would think I was used to this, I mean I only had about this much notice with all three of my boys but STILL…. I was completely taken back with the magnitude of the question!

My mind works faster than my mouth so I was fumbling to get some words out. I finally said “yes” and my follow up question was, “when?” She said “now.” I asked her what Ruth thought about the situation and she said “Ruth is standing right here next to me and asked me to call you.”

Let me just back up a few minutes…. I had just got home from work; I was changing my clothes to get ready to go to my sister-in-law's house for a New Year’s Eve party with our families when the phone rang. I was looking forward to a relaxing night watching movies, eating a lot of good food and sleeping in the next morning... (none of that happened). It is amazing how much ones life can change with a single phone call! I had to laugh to myself because I thought “at least this is more than 15 minutes notice, they live at least 45 minutes away this time!” :)

After I got off the phone I went and found Mykel to relay the incredible news. I just have to say that I have one of the most patient husbands in the world. Obviously we had talked about the possibility of adopting this little girl, we knew the day may come that we could get this phone call, but for the last few months we had bascially avoided the conversation because it hurt too much to even bring it up. I didn’t even consult him when the phone rang and the question was asked. I am so glad he can roll with the punches!


We decided not to tell the boys about the news; we wanted to surprise them too! We told them that I had to run a few errands and I would meet them at their cousin’s house in a few hours…. and I was on my way to pick up our daughter!

Our Story, Part 31 - The boys meet their sister!

There are moments in our lives that when a thought comes to our mind and we remember it with such clarity that we can recall exactly where we were, what type of day it was and how we felt. In the fall of 2003, I had one of those moments. I remember driving down Washington Blvd. in Ogden; I was by myself and on my way home. I had just passed 21st street and I was thinking about my boys…. Then the thought came into my head “you don’t need to keep trying, your boys are your children.”

I had been struggling for years with thoughts about getting a hysterectomy, especially after I became a mother to my boys. The part I struggled with the hardest was the spiritual side of the matter. I didn’t want to completely extinguish the possibility of having children, but emotionally and physically I was so tired of the monthly roller coaster ride of getting my hopes up that I MAY be pregnant, only to have them dashed. I wanted to focus on the blessings in my life and stop worrying about having my “own” child. My boys are my OWN and I wanted to focus on them. I think my husband summed it up best after I had the miscarriage. He told me he didn’t want to have any biological children because “the boys are our children and I don’t want to feel any different about them, and I don’t want them to think we weren’t happy so we kept trying to have biologic children.”

So after four laparoscopic surgeries, years of infertility and pain caused from the endometriosis, I was ready to be done. In the fall of 2003, I started getting things ready to go in and have the surgery done. I hadn’t spoken with Ruth since before her baby girl was born. I didn’t want to interfere; besides, ignorance was bliss at that point. I had received a few e-mails here and there from Valorie, but like I always do, I tried to keep myself so busy that I didn’t even have time to think about it (too bad that didn’t work).

I knew that there MAY be the possibility of our adopting the baby sometime in the future, but I didn’t want to dwell on that, I couldn’t dwell on the “what if” or else I would just make myself crazy! In the fall of 2003, Ruth and Valorie were going back East to attend a family event (I think it was a wedding) and Valorie asked me if we could watch the baby (I am sure I probably offered as well, I couldn’t pass it up!), so for a few days we were able to have “Skye” come and stay with us. I wasn’t sure how the boys would take it, especially when she had to go back, but they were excited to see their baby sister.

They were old enough to understand that they had a sister and that she lived with Ruth. After Ruth gave birth and the baby didn’t end up coming to live with us we had to answer a lot of their questions….. “Why didn’t she live with us? Why did Ruth keep her and not them? When is she going to come and live with us?”

A picture of "Skye" during her visit with us.

For a few short days we just enjoyed having her in our home. The boys couldn’t get enough of her and they fought about who got to hold her, who got to push her in the swing, and who got to feed her, etc. I was actually happy that Ruth was able to keep her and take care of her, because I knew she wanted to be a mother as well. I didn’t want to keep “taking” her children away from her. That was never my intent.

Bryan wanted to go with me when we took “Skye” back. He also wanted to see Ruth and Valorie and I knew they wanted to see him, so he came with me. I think in his young mind he thought he was going to convince Ruth to let us keep her. He even said to Ruth, “but you promised she would be our sister!” I explained to him that she was still his sister, but she would be living with Ruth.

A few weeks after that visit and two days before Thanksgiving, I was scheduled to have my hysterectomy. My doctor was actually doing a fairly new procedure at the time called a Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy, which was less invasive than a regular hysterectomy.

The surgery went well and I felt great when I woke up. I even called my parents to tell them I would be home for Thanksgiving. I went to my room for recovery and I fell asleep for a while. During that time Mykel went to pick up the boys to come and visit me. I woke up before he got back and as I lay there thinking about what I had just done I had an overwhelming feeling of complete and utter sadness envelope me... After all these years wanting to KNOW if I could have children, I now KNEW that I would never have the possibility of carrying a child and giving birth. The pain and knowledge of the finality of my decision was devastating and my heart ached. I was glad I was alone during that time. I didn’t want my boys to see me cry, but I also longed for someone to hold me and tell me “everything would be alright.”

A little while later Mykel and all the boys arrived. They were so cute and caring. They wanted to hold my hand and lay by me and make sure I was alright. I loved having them there, their presence helped dispel my sadness and grief. They were such a comfort to me when I needed to feel comfort and peace! I love my boys!

“One’s life….cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free….Therefore, how can you
and I really expect to guide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me
experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal,
and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences
which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully
share Thy joy!’ Real faith….is required to endure this necessary but painful
developmental process.” Neal A. Maxwell

Our Story, Part 30 - A Beautiful Baby Girl

Ruth was due in a little less than two weeks and I still had no idea if she was actually going to allow us to take the baby home from the hospital. I know she had given me the card telling me she wanted to place the baby and she had told the boys that she was going to place the baby with us, but I honestly think she hadn't truly made up her mind. (I don' t blame her, I could not make that monumental decision). I had talked with her several times about contacting the birth father but she was afraid he would be upset and she didn’t want us or our attorney to contact him. There was nothing else I could do.

At this point I don’t believe Ruth had mentioned to her husband that she was thinking about placing the baby. He knew who we were and had visited our home a year before with Ruth, but I know that he didn’t want us to adopt their baby.

Friday February 14, 2003 – Went and picked up a crib from my friend’s house, bought balloons and a Valentine’s gift for Ruth (the boys were so excited to take her the balloons and present).

Ruth didn’t have a car, but luckily her apartment was within walking distance of a grocery story, a bank, several restaurants and the hospital where I worked. A good friend of mine who works at the hospital took Ruth on a tour of the maternity ward to see if she wanted to deliver there since it was less than a block away from her apartment (she decided to still deliver in Salt Lake).
Tuesday February 18, 2003 – Ruth came to talk to me at work for two hours; she wants to go back to her husband.

This was such an emotional day for me. Ruth and I sat in the lounge of the hospital discussing her options and what she REALLY wanted to do. I think she knew what she wanted, but then she also wanted to make me happy. I kept telling her not to worry about what I wanted or what the boys wanted, just to do what was best for her and her baby. I had always hoped that she would be happy and I knew she just wanted to be married, have children, and move on with her own life, so I didn’t want to deter her from going back to her husband. She needed a person who was removed from the situation to give her advice, because I definitely wasn’t the right person to do that.

Wednesday February 19, 2003 – Ruth is not going to go back to her husband.

Ruth was due in less than 10 days and we still hadn’t made contact with the birth father and Ruth was still vacillating about whether or not she wanted to place the baby. I didn’t want to keep putting pressure on her, so a few days later I told my husband Mykel I could not take it anymore and I that I was removing myself from the whole situation.

I can’t remember if I called Ruth on the phone or if I e-mailed or talked to her mother, that part is a blur…. But I let them know that I was not going to contact Ruth anymore about placing the baby with us. She didn’t need that kind of pressure. She needed someone to help her make decisions for her future, but I was not that person.

I still don't know who took Ruth to the hospital or how the delivery went. Someone called me a few days after the baby was born to tell me that Ruth had delivered a beautiful baby girl. They probably told me how much she weighed and how long she was but I don’t remember those facts.

They said Ruth was fine and the baby was healthy and strong.... that was all I wanted to know.

Our Story, Part 29 - I need a time out

Monday February 10, 2003 – Ruth’s Doctor appointment (18 days before Ava was born).

Ruth was still seeing her doctor in Salt Lake and because she didn’t have transportation I would take her to the appointments. I didn’t mind having the boys see Ruth, they knew she was pregnant; she would point to her belly and say “this is your little sister.” The boys would even ask her if she was going to “give her to us” and her response was affirmative. I didn’t want to leave the boys with a baby-sitter for this trip, so the boys came with us on the drive to the appointment ~ two hour round-trip, plus doctor visit… and NO I didn’t have a DVD player in my van! Luckily one of my best friends I have had since grade school lived only a few minutes from the hospital and she consented to watch the boys during the appointment. (Thank Heaven for small miracles!)

I went to the doctor’s office with Ruth but I stayed in the waiting room and leafed through the numerous baby magazines that littered every possible end table and magazine holder available. I remember thinking to myself “I wonder what people would think if they knew I was here with my children’s birth mother…” it was such an odd situation that I was sure no one would believe THAT!

I have a hard time looking at baby magazines (baby anything for that matter) and the non-stop pictures of the new mothers breast feeding, photo shoots of pregnant bellies, happy smiling pregnant women, etc… is all too disheartening for me. To this day I really don’t like to hold infants (the only exception was Preston), so I just make myself scarce when a newborn is present. I have five sisters, four of whom have children (two of them have eight children each) and it has been challenging watching family and friends have children so effortlessly. I really try to be cheerful because I am genuinely glad for them, it is the incessant talk about every little facet of someone’s pregnancy and delivery that I cannot bear to hear (you may as well pound bamboo shoots underneath my fingernails, it would probably be easier to endure). I usually just make a subtle exit and find something else to do like clean the fridge, scrape mold from my window wells, fold laundry, scrub toilets, or anything that doesn’t make me feel even more demoralized as a non-childbearing woman. But again, I digress…

I'm really not bitter, I mean, my son Preston said it best ~

"Mom, if your tummy wasn't broken you wouldn't have us!"

After the appointment and picking up the boys we were on the way home…. The boys needed to stop and go to the bathroom, (they were hitting each other, screaming, and basically acting their age) but finally I couldn’t take it anymore ~ I yelled at them to be quiet. I don’t know who was more surprised, Ruth or the boys, but the car went silent. (Ruth probably wondered what kind of person she placed her children with… but maybe she was just finally seeing the real me and not the perfect mother I tried to be whenever we were together.) We pulled over at a gas station and I took the boys in to the restroom and took a time out for myself. (Ever have one of those days when you just want to just start running and never come back?)

I was tired of the enormous amount of pressure I felt trying to keep everyone happy. I was tired of driving. I was physically and emotionally drained. I wanted to just go home, read a book and check out from reality for a few hours. I was just plain tired and I needed a break…

Our Story, Part 28 - Did I say I like to be busy???

I know I mentioned previously that I like to be busy….but these next few weeks almost put me over the edge. (To get an idea of how really crazy I was at this time you must remember that I was still working full-time and going to school full-time….besides being a full-time mom and wife, well okay, the mom and wife part were definitely only part-time at this point.)

I didn’t keep a journal during these few months (I barely had time to breathe); I just have notes from my school planner, so here are a few snippets:

Wednesday January 8, 2003 – Lunch with Ruth in Salt Lake, she wants me to adopt the baby!

Friday January 10, 2003 – Picked up Ruth in Salt Lake, women’s shelter, Logan, etc. (see previous post)

The next few days I spent locating an apartment for Ruth. I found a large one bedroom with several nice windows and good sun exposure. I had some extra furniture, so we were able to get her set up with at least a moderate amount of items including a bed, (the boys donated their small TV), stereo, kitchen table and chairs, dishes, towels and linens. (I love decorating, so this part was fun for me!)

Tuesday January 14, 2003 – My Birthday!

Wednesday January 15, 2003 – We moved Ruth into her new apartment, it was a LONG day!

Mykel and I have moved a lot so we are old pros at this sort of thing, but it was tiring nonetheless. I think one of the hardest parts of the situation during this time was leaving the boys with a baby-sitter or trying to coordinate a schedule with the boys and deciding if they should witness the unfolding events. I hated saying goodbye to them during those long days, it felt like I never even saw them... except for driving in the car. Even though we lived less than 10 miles from Ruth’s apartment it was a long drive to keep going back and forth to work, school and her apartment.

Thursday January 16 – Workforce Services appointment with Ruth.
We went to job service to find out what Ruth’s options were as far as money for food and her basic welfare needs, the lady who helped us was very kind and understanding and I was so grateful for the help.

Friday January 17, 2003 - Two days later we had to go back to her old apartment and get more of her stuff and then back to her mother’s home to get more (about four hours of driving that day….)

Saturday January 18, 2003 – Date night with Mykel, we went and watched a high school basketball game with my friend Rachel; it was two of the most relaxing hours of my entire month!

Monday February 3, 2003 – I drove Ruth to her doctor appointment in Salt Lake. On this trip I didn’t take the boys with me. I picked up Ruth and we had to go back to my work so I could drop off my time card because I had forgotten something. When I got back in the car, Ruth handed me an envelope. Below is a copy of the card she gave me.

The card says:

Camille,

I would like for you to adopt the baby girl.

That would mean a lot to me.

I would love for Bryan and the boys to have a sister.

Thank you for everything.

Sincerely, Ruth

PS - Listen to the last song on this CD.

The song she refers to on the CD is called “From God’s Arms, To My arms, To Yours”

by Michael McLean
With so many wrong decisions in my past, I’m not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I’ve been thinking, ‘cause it’s all I’ve had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
(Chorus)
And maybe you can tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he’s been loved before;
By someone who delivered your son
From God’s arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him, and if he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go;
Just tell him there were sleepless nights; I prayed and paced the floors
And knew the only peace I’d find is if this child was yours.
(Chorus)
Now I know that you don’t have to do this,
But could you kiss him once for me
The first time that he ties his shoes, or falls and skins his knee?
And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes,
And tell him that he’s not alone, sometimes that’s all it takes.
I know how much he’ll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me;
But I’m not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.
I’m just trusting in my feelings and I’m trusting God above,
And I’m trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers’ love
(Chorus)

Our Story, Part 27 - The Move

There are so many different variables and people involved with the adoption of my daughter Ava that I am having a hard time knowing where to begin. In my last post (Our Story, Part 26) I mentioned that Ruth had contacted me about the first week of January 2003, and asked me if I would be interested in adopting the baby if things didn’t work out with her husband (she was due at the end of February 2003). The next week she called and said that things weren’t going well and that she needed to move out that day ~ before her husband came back from work.

Mykel and I made the trip to her apartment in Salt Lake City (40-50 minute drive one-way) and helped Ruth load everything she owned and headed back up to Ogden (even though I had no idea where she was going to go). When we got to Ogden I dropped Mykel off at our home so he could go pick up the boys from my friend's house.

Ruth and I went to the Women’s Shelter to see if that was a viable option for the night. We went to intake and registration and got the information we needed and looked around at what would be Ruth’s bed and where she would stay (I can’t imagine being eight months pregnant, displaced from my home and staying there without any privacy, it was so cold), the somber feeling there was almost palpable. I still remember walking through the “kitchen” and seeing several women and children eating, looking at the bunkbed where Ruth would sleep, looking at the bathroom, and talking about security so she would be safe… it was almost surreal.

After the “tour” we both couldn’t envision Ruth staying there, especially if there were any other options. There was the possibility that she could stay at my house, but I had no idea what I would tell the boys, and besides, our house was so small that I think she would have even less privacy than at the Women’s Shelter. We finally opted to have her go to Logan (another 45-60 minute drive one-way) and stay with her mom, which was her last resort. By this time it was already around 8-9 p.m. I was extremely tired (I had already worked that morning and went to school before going to Salt Lake) and I couldn't wait to get home.

I think somewhere in between all of this we ate some food, but my memory is foggy about those facts. I remember details about the Women’s shelter and the memories it evokes (the moldy smell, the low ceilings, the low-pile industrial gray-blue carpet and white walls) but I can’t remember what Ruth and I talked about, or if much was said at all besides niceties and plans to find her an apartment.

I finally made it home around 11 p.m. that night, my head full of thoughts of adding another child to our family, how to approach the boys with the possibility of a little sister, finding an apatment for Ruth and a long list of what I needed to do the following morning (besides school, work and family). This was the beginning of the longest (and possibly hardest) month of my life.

Our Story, Part 25 - Time Marches On

In the summer of 2001, I guess I felt I didn’t have enough to do, so I enrolled at the local university to finish my degree. I was still having a lot of pain from the endometriosis, so in July 2001; I had my fourth and final laparoscopy to remove any remaining scar tissue and adhesions to hopefully get rid of the daily pain I was having. (It didn't work).

This is one of my favorite pictures of the boys with their dad.

By the fall of 2001, I was in school full-time, working at a local hospital doing medical transcription full-time, being a mom full-time and trying to hold a full-time service position at church; the perfect combination of full-time overload so I didn’t have time to think about much except for what was pressing at the moment. “Going to school and working are just things that keep my mind off other things. It seems that if I don’t have a lot of things going on, I don’t get anything done. If I am busy, busy, busy, I don’t have time to stop and think and ponder over things that might hurt.” (From my journal)

I would drop Bryan off at school at 8 a.m. and take Cole and Preston with me to the university. We would park our car and take a shuttle bus to campus. I had a single stroller, so Preston would ride in the seat and Cole would stand on the metal stroller bar while I pushed. This worked great until it snowed and then it was a nightmare trying to push the stroller through snow, drop the boys off at their pre-school and make it to class by 8:30 a.m. GOOD TIMES!

The boys playing on campus with their dad while I took a test.

I met with Ruth in November 2001 for her Birthday and she told me that she had met someone special (she had actually met this person when Bryan lived with her in 1999). Ruth married in February 2002 and moved about a half-hour away from us. She and her new husband came to visit the boys in April of that same year and she brought them some presents for their birthdays. I was still in school and working like a crazy person (but that is the only way I knew how to deal with things). I knew Ruth was moving on with her life, but she and I still kept in touch.

In the fall of 2002 I started keeping a journal again for a class assignment and it brings back so many vivid memories of that time period! Bryan was in third grade and Cole was in kindergarten so Preston would come with me to the university and go to pre-school while I went to class.

Cole and Bryan in front of school, Preston being funny!

August 29, 2002
Catching the bus to go to school is quite a joke right now. I have Preston with me in a stroller, two backpacks and long line to get on the bus. So far I have waited for at least three buses to go by and I still haven’t gotten a ride to school. I am now late for my first class and I haven’t even dropped my son off yet. So much for coming early to school!

September 5, 2002
My job keeps changing. First I started out full-time, then part-time and then at night. The night hours are really hard. I work from 5 p.m. until 1:30 a.m. When I come home I can’t fall asleep… when I get up to get ready for school at 6:30 a.m. I feel as if I never went to sleep. I’ll be okay for the first few hours of the day, but by mid-afternoon when I get home and have to get ready for another day at work, all I want to do is sit and relax.

During this time in our life we also had a lot of stress dealing with material matters. Our car broke down and I was trying to get rides to school and to work (which was very difficult). We finally found an old black car that we paid cash for and it was a lifesaver! Also, Mykel's cousin's wife (and a good friend of ours) was having her fifth child and had invited Mykel to be present at the birth with his cousin so he could have the opportunity of cutting the cord and experience a live birth (since he wouldn’t have that opportunity with me).

September 12, 2002
Today I went to work at 5 p.m. and at about 1:30 a.m. Mykel called to say that [his relative] was having her baby. I came home from work and we woke up the kids and drove down to the hospital (about 1 ½ hours away). We got to the hospital only to find out that she had been sent home. I was starving at this point so I got some food (I still remember how good that chicken casadia was!) I also hadn’t slept in about 24 hours so I was rather tired at this point! The boys were all uncomfortable in the back of the car. Mykel decided to stay down with his cousin in case his wife went back into labor. I was so beat I could hardly move. The boys didn't sleep on the way home and they sang me songs to keep me awake. We got home about 4:30 in the morning.

September 13, 2002
Friday the 13th. Usually I am not one for bad signs or omens, but today was just one of those days. Besides only sleeping for 2 hours and then getting up to take the kids to school I was stressing about our car situation. I was on my way to the bank when I got a call from Mykel. He said he had called his boss to tell him he would be late and his boss told him “don’t worry about coming back.” So on top of not sleeping, stress about the car and work, etc. My husband is now out of a job.

Did I mention I also found out that Ruth was expecting?