Adoption Questions

At Church on Mother’s Day my 16-year-old son leaned over to me and said, “I wonder if I love you the same as I would my REAL mother?”  He really wants to know what it feels like to love his actual mother.

It wasn’t mean, it didn’t hurt my feelings.  I have been wondering the same thing in reverse.

Do I love my children the same as I would if they were biological? 
I can’t answer that because I don’t have any “biological” children.  I love my children. 
Is it the same type of love that mothers have who actually give birth?  I don’t know.  I probably will never know.  It is a question that I can’t answer - but a valid (and hard) question nonetheless.

My son made this for me on Mother's Day. Love him!

Rose Colored Glasses

Last night I attended the final choir concert of my oldest son Bryan.  He has an amazing Tenor voice (that I didn’t even know about until last fall).  As I watched him sing I started to cry.  I cried because I love him so much.  I cried because I wished I would have known him as an infant.  I cried because I wished I would have known how it felt to have him kick and squirm in my womb, to see him take his first step, to say his first word, to hold my fingers as he nursed… so many things I missed with him. I cried because I wished I could say he got his voice from me or my husband.  I wished I could say he was handsome like his father.  (I do say this to him sometimes, but he knows he doesn’t REALLY look like his dad).  I cried because I missed the first three and a half years of his life and I cried because he will be leaving soon.

When I was first introduced to the possibility of adoption almost 15 years ago, I had longed to be a mother so bad that I was willing to do anything (well, almost anything) to get a child.  I wore my rose colored glasses and persevered through every issue with a smile and determination.  I didn’t think about what would happen in the future, how I would deal with adoption issues or even what issues might arise.  The only fear I had at the time was that when my children turned 18 they would want to go back to their birth mother (so glad our adoption is open!). 

There are many things I wished I would have known, could have prepared for, or could have been warned about.   

But the real question is; if I had known these things, if I had known I would hurt and feel a loss for the things I didn’t have, would I have still adopted?  

Definitely YES!

Even if I take my rose colored glasses off,

the view is still remarkable.

“If you are lonely, please know you can find comfort.

If you are discouraged, please know you can find hope.

If you are poor in spirit, please know you can be strengthened.

If you feel you are broken, please know you can be mended.”

Jeffrey R. Holland

Teenagers

I know I have mentioned several times how amazing the attorney is who facilitated all five of our adoptions. Well, as I would thank him for helping us adopt these beautiful children, he would jokingly say,

 “we’ll see if you thank me when they are teenagers…”

I am happy to report that I can thank him a million times for my wonderful teenagers! My three teenage sons have been the most amazing young men and such an inspiration and joy in my life. We have had countless conversations about their birth parents, adoption, hopes, dreams, doubts, etc. and I believe the main reason my sons are so “well adjusted” is because of the openness about their past, where they came from and how they became a part of our family. For me, open adoption has been the only way to go.

Hard questions

The other night my 4-year-old daughter was getting on her teenage brother’s nerves. My son made the comment… “can’t we just give her away and let someone else adopt her?” He was completely serious as if it was a viable and available option.

It reminded me of a discussion that he and I had a few years earlier when he asked me if someone else could adopt him. He was worried that if I didn’t want him that I could just give him to someone else. His comment and question really made me think of the numerous questions my children have with regards to placement, adoption, biological parents and their own situation.

I tried my best to explain to my son that, no; I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to adopt him and that he was my son forever. This was a hard question to answer because of course he wondered how he could be placed in our family and adopted and that it couldn’t happen again. He knew his older brother was placed and then taken back and then placed again… such a confusing time!

I think about all these questions and I realize that when my children were young and I was dealing with the day to day struggles of parenting, placement, home studies, etc., I had no idea how/if/when I would have to deal with these inquiries.

I am grateful that we have been very open with our children with regards to their birth parents, their placement in our home and their own individual stories, it has made these discussions easier, but there are still questions that are hard to answer. It is almost weekly that we have talks about their birth mother, their birth father(s) and even their biological uncles, aunts and grandparents. I don’t have all the answers, but quite honestly, what parent does?

I don’t know any other families who are in an open adoption, much less any who have teenagers right now, so here are a few things that have helped me over the last decade:

(If any one has any suggestions/ideas that have worked for them, please feel free to share!)

Validate the question(s), it is okay to have questions.

Reaffirm your love for them as an individual and as your child - Sometimes my children were hesitant to ask me questions about their birth mother because they didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” if they were talking about their “other mom.” I will admit that when my boys were first placed with us, I did feel jealous of their mother, I felt I was being compared on every level with her. I don’t feel that way now; I feel that she and I both have significant and independent roles to play in their lives.


Be honest – I try to answer their questions to the best of my ability, but sometimes I don’t have an answer to their question(s). If they ask a question and want an answer right away, I do my best, but sometimes after I have time to think about their question and my answer, I may go back and tell them that I didn’t answer their question properly. I have told my older boys, “I don’t have a parental instruction manual, I am learning just like they are and I am not always right!”

Love them unconditionally.

So blessed to be a mom!

No one is immune

A few months ago during a neighborhood social event, I was listening to the chatter of several women who are pregnant. At one point I was sitting next to a woman who had just revealed that she was expecting her third (unplanned) child. She looked across the table and said to me, (paraphrasing) “I wish I could adopt, it would be SO much easier than being pregnant! Besides, you get to keep your figure and look like THAT!”

 

 

Me at the end of a hike, contemplating life....

I was so upset that I just sat silently trying not to say anything (counting loudly to 10 in my mind, repeating the mantra my mother had told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”)  
On my walk home that night and while running on the treadmill the next morning (trying to maintain THAT figure) I thought of all the snappy comments I could’ve said. I really wanted to write her a letter and let her have it!

“We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we
can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.”

These are a few things I wanted to say (but luckily didn’t):

“I would trade my body for any woman’s (fertile body!) just to have the chance to be able to create a child with my husband and feel my child growing inside of me. "

“Enjoy every little pain that you are having, you are experiencing a miracle!”

“I have this figure because I go to the gym five times a week! Not because I have never had children! You should see my sisters’ who have eight children and maintain amazing figures!”

My cute little Aubrey after her haircut!

I am glad I have had a few months to stew about this because recent events helped soften my once angry outlook.

I realized that every one of us have and will endure different trials; no one is immune to having their feelings hurt, no one is immune to pain.

"Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have
experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to
become more and more Christlike. . . . As we understand this doctrine, we gaingreater assurance of our Father's love."

Sometimes trials make us realize just how lucky we really are.