Our Story, Part 31 - The boys meet their sister!

There are moments in our lives that when a thought comes to our mind and we remember it with such clarity that we can recall exactly where we were, what type of day it was and how we felt. In the fall of 2003, I had one of those moments. I remember driving down Washington Blvd. in Ogden; I was by myself and on my way home. I had just passed 21st street and I was thinking about my boys…. Then the thought came into my head “you don’t need to keep trying, your boys are your children.”

I had been struggling for years with thoughts about getting a hysterectomy, especially after I became a mother to my boys. The part I struggled with the hardest was the spiritual side of the matter. I didn’t want to completely extinguish the possibility of having children, but emotionally and physically I was so tired of the monthly roller coaster ride of getting my hopes up that I MAY be pregnant, only to have them dashed. I wanted to focus on the blessings in my life and stop worrying about having my “own” child. My boys are my OWN and I wanted to focus on them. I think my husband summed it up best after I had the miscarriage. He told me he didn’t want to have any biological children because “the boys are our children and I don’t want to feel any different about them, and I don’t want them to think we weren’t happy so we kept trying to have biologic children.”

So after four laparoscopic surgeries, years of infertility and pain caused from the endometriosis, I was ready to be done. In the fall of 2003, I started getting things ready to go in and have the surgery done. I hadn’t spoken with Ruth since before her baby girl was born. I didn’t want to interfere; besides, ignorance was bliss at that point. I had received a few e-mails here and there from Valorie, but like I always do, I tried to keep myself so busy that I didn’t even have time to think about it (too bad that didn’t work).

I knew that there MAY be the possibility of our adopting the baby sometime in the future, but I didn’t want to dwell on that, I couldn’t dwell on the “what if” or else I would just make myself crazy! In the fall of 2003, Ruth and Valorie were going back East to attend a family event (I think it was a wedding) and Valorie asked me if we could watch the baby (I am sure I probably offered as well, I couldn’t pass it up!), so for a few days we were able to have “Skye” come and stay with us. I wasn’t sure how the boys would take it, especially when she had to go back, but they were excited to see their baby sister.

They were old enough to understand that they had a sister and that she lived with Ruth. After Ruth gave birth and the baby didn’t end up coming to live with us we had to answer a lot of their questions….. “Why didn’t she live with us? Why did Ruth keep her and not them? When is she going to come and live with us?”

A picture of "Skye" during her visit with us.

For a few short days we just enjoyed having her in our home. The boys couldn’t get enough of her and they fought about who got to hold her, who got to push her in the swing, and who got to feed her, etc. I was actually happy that Ruth was able to keep her and take care of her, because I knew she wanted to be a mother as well. I didn’t want to keep “taking” her children away from her. That was never my intent.

Bryan wanted to go with me when we took “Skye” back. He also wanted to see Ruth and Valorie and I knew they wanted to see him, so he came with me. I think in his young mind he thought he was going to convince Ruth to let us keep her. He even said to Ruth, “but you promised she would be our sister!” I explained to him that she was still his sister, but she would be living with Ruth.

A few weeks after that visit and two days before Thanksgiving, I was scheduled to have my hysterectomy. My doctor was actually doing a fairly new procedure at the time called a Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy, which was less invasive than a regular hysterectomy.

The surgery went well and I felt great when I woke up. I even called my parents to tell them I would be home for Thanksgiving. I went to my room for recovery and I fell asleep for a while. During that time Mykel went to pick up the boys to come and visit me. I woke up before he got back and as I lay there thinking about what I had just done I had an overwhelming feeling of complete and utter sadness envelope me... After all these years wanting to KNOW if I could have children, I now KNEW that I would never have the possibility of carrying a child and giving birth. The pain and knowledge of the finality of my decision was devastating and my heart ached. I was glad I was alone during that time. I didn’t want my boys to see me cry, but I also longed for someone to hold me and tell me “everything would be alright.”

A little while later Mykel and all the boys arrived. They were so cute and caring. They wanted to hold my hand and lay by me and make sure I was alright. I loved having them there, their presence helped dispel my sadness and grief. They were such a comfort to me when I needed to feel comfort and peace! I love my boys!

“One’s life….cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free….Therefore, how can you
and I really expect to guide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me
experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal,
and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences
which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully
share Thy joy!’ Real faith….is required to endure this necessary but painful
developmental process.” Neal A. Maxwell

Our Story, Part 22 - Highs and Lows

The reason I am sharing parts of my journal during this period of my life is because it sets the stage for what happens next with relation to the birth of my daughter Ava. So many times in my life I have wondered why things have happened a certain way. I am sure many of us, when faced with trials in our life wonder “why me?” or “why now?” It usually isn’t until years later that you realize why your life has taken a certain turn, or why you were faced with certain hardships. To me, it only confirms my belief that God is in control. We just have to be patient and learn as we go along.

February 8, 2001
I went and had the second blood test today and it came back positive and the HCG hormone has almost tripled! That is good news! I went to the gym today and worked out. My doctor says I can continue exercising throughout my pregnancy. Yeah!

Mykel is so excited! He told his dad that we are pregnant but we are going to wait until next week to tell his mom. I can’t wait to tell her, my mom already knows and she is very excited. WOW! I’m pregnant!

February 15, 2001
A week has already gone by and I am still pregnant and I can’t really believe it. I ordered some baby clothes and I got them yesterday, they are so adorable! The boys have been so excited about the baby. Cole keeps asking me if the baby is asleep in my tummy. He says he wants a little girl. The other day my friend came over and Bryan just blurted out “there is a baby in my mom’s tummy!” – We hadn’t even told him yet! I think Preston senses something too because he has just been hanging on me and wanting me to hold him. The other night he was sick so I let him sleep on the couch outside our room. He kept crying so I would go and hold him until he went to sleep. I only slept for about 3 hours but I enjoyed every minute watching him sleep in my arms. I love him!

Today Bryan looked up at my boobs and said “they are almost to your stomach!” Well that took the wind out of me and I had to laugh! He also told me that “Ruth had 3 babies in her belly, Bryan, Cole and Preston.”

February 17, 2001
Today we met with Mykel’s family in Salt Lake and walked all over downtown. The boys were just miserable after walking all day since we had been up since 5 a.m. I am so grateful for the wonderful boys I have, they have been so great today and so much fun to be with. I love when they let me hold them and give me hugs.

It is so amazing to think that I have a little soul starting to grow in my stomach, it just doesn’t seem real! (I also gave my mother-in-law a little baby onesie wrapped up to share with her the good news that I was expecting!)

February 20, 2001
Right now my stomach is in a lot of pain. I was helping my brother Colby bring an organ in from the garage and I think I lifted too much. I guess I need to start being careful!

February 22, 2001
Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. I woke up at 5 a.m. like I normally do to work and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I looked in the toilet and saw a lot more blood. I called out for Mykel and he came in the bathroom and then I just started crying. Mykel held me while I just sobbed. My whole body was just numb. We waited until 8 a.m. when my doctor’s office opened and I took the boys to my friend Dana’s house then went to the clinic. They did an ultrasound and couldn’t find the gestation sac, which is a bad sign. My nurse also did a pelvic exam and she saw a lot of blood as well. We still had some hope, so I had to take a blood test to see what my HCG level was. It should’ve been around 10,000 but it was already down to 380.

Mykel and I left and went to breakfast at Einstein Bagels. I tried to drink some orange juice and eat something but I was still in a lot of pain and cramping really bad. Mykel tried to comfort me and he said “I am glad we aren’t having any biological children. I love my boys and I don’t want to feel any different about them.” I understood what he was saying, but it was still hard to hear. I was so devastated.

We went and picked up the boys and went home. I took a hot bath and mostly stayed in bed. Cole came to lay by me and rubbed my arm and my forehead and told me it would be alright. I kept blaming myself for doing too much, but my doctor told me there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to prevent it from happening.

I made myself go to gym class today. I was angry at my body and so I just physically pushed myself to the limit. It took all I had not to cry. After gym class I didn’t feel like going home so I just drove to Mykel’s work and cried on his shoulder for awhile. I just couldn’t stop crying. I told Cole and Preston that my tummy wasn’t working and Cole started crying, he said “where is my little girl?” Then he sang “You Are So Beautiful to Me” and it helped cheer me up to hear his little voice.

I just can’t believe how hard it has been. I felt like it was such a miracle to get pregnant and that everything would be okay. I guess my Heavenly Father has other plans for me. I just hope I can be patient.

~ Remember that you are entitled to our Father’s blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Thomas S. Monson ~

Two years later in February 2003 ~ Ruth gave birth to a beautiful little girl, who would later become my daughter Ava.

She was definitely worth the wait.

Our Story, Part 21 - Artificial Insemination

In the fall of 2000 Bryan started school. Our life had calmed down quite a bit and we fell into a normal routine. Mykel and I had been married for over eight years at this point and had never done anything to prevent getting pregnant. I had already endured three surgeries to remove the endometriosis that I had, but I had never felt that fertility drugs were for me (I am a total lightweight with any medication and my body can’t handle it – I am a wimp!) My OB/GYN suggested we try “artificial insemination” – it was the least expensive route to go and one that we hadn’t tried before.

The following are a few clips from my journal after we tried artificial insemination and were waiting to find out if I was pregnant: (I know reading from my journal is not every exciting, but humor me for a minute, this will all make sense when I get to the next part of the story about the adoption of my daughter Ava).

November 19, 2000
On one hand I really want to experience pregnancy and childbirth; but on the other I am completely happy with the three wonderful boys I have. They all want a little sister, so they are praying for one. I think Mykel would also like to experience the whole birth process and that excites him. I am trying hard not to get my hopes up, yet I find myself talking like I am already pregnant. I just pray that if it is not meant for me to conceive a child that I will be comforted and know this is God's will. I just don’t want to prevent any children from coming to our home if it is meant to be. That is not to say it hasn’t been stressful and very emotional getting my hopes up every month. I am always hoping – but last summer I found myself at a point where either I had a hysterectomy and left NO chance so I didn’t have to wonder, or did all that I could so I could say that I at least tried.

Bryan, Cole and Preston eating gumballs at the mall ~ February 2001

November 20, 2000
Yesterday Bryan asked me what the doctor did to help my tummy work. I tried to explain about the doctor taking part of Mykel and putting it inside me – he then asked “what part of daddy?” (That one was fun to explain!) Bryan keeps praying that we can have a baby sister. The other morning he and I were talking about what we would name a little sister. He said “Mary” so he could sing “Mary had a Little Lamb.” I told him I wanted to name her Mykalin and he said “mom, wasn’t Cole’s name already Michael?” I couldn’t believe he remembered that! He was only 2 ½ when we changed Cole’s name from Michael!

November 27, 2000
I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I thought I would be a lot more depressed but I actually feel at peace…. After the test was negative my mind was flooded with thoughts of the three beautiful children I do have and how much joy they bring to my life. I guess I have just come to appreciate them even more now. I think my biggest fear about getting pregnant is about how I will feel about my boys, I don’t want there to be a comparison with biological children, because my boys are MINE. I don’t want them to feel inferior at all. I think now I am more worried that I AM pregnant!

Preston eating his gumball, Cole in the background trying to get another one ~ February 2001

December 7, 2000
My computer has been down for two days and I am really behind on work (I did medical transcription at home), but it has been nice just spending more time with the boys. I marvel at the joy that each little smile brings to my life. I love being a mom to my little boys. I feel I must spend every minute with them and enjoy everything they bring to my life. I am comforted with the option of not giving birth to any children. I just feel blessed to be a mother. Each day I seem to enjoy even more with my boys. I love when Preston lets me hold him cheek to cheek and they all crawl up on my lap to hear a story. Whenever I go anywhere or leave the room Cole has to give me about 5 hugs and kisses. He loves to be held and kissed. Today Bryan and I were making a Christmas calendar and he looked at me and said “I know who I love – YOU mom!” I love him too! We were watching the movie “BIG” where a boy (Tom Hanks) goes to a carnival and makes a wish at a machine that he is big. Well Bryan said “I wish we had a machine to get wishes” so I asked him what he would wish for and he said “I wish that your tummy could work so we could have a little sister!”

January 11, 2001
I keep having this pain on my right side. I thought it might be my appendix, but it hasn’t gotten worse. It has awakened me a couple of times and I feel it daily but I don’t know what is wrong.

January 31, 2001
My side has still been hurting and I don’t what it is. Maybe I’ll go and get it checked.

February 5, 2001
I went to the doctor today to find out what is wrong. They took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE, but the pain I am having isn’t normal. I have to go tomorrow and get an ultrasound done to find out if it is an ectopic pregnancy. My stomach has been really hurting so I don’t know what is going on. I am a little scared and sad at the same time. I am amazed that I am pregnant, but knowing that if it is an ectopic pregnancy and that the fetus will die is hard to deal with. I guess I will find out more tomorrow.

February 6, 2001
I scheduled an ultrasound with my OB/GYN. They weren’t able to see anything except that my endometrium is getting thicker, which is a good sign. I had to get my blood drawn again so they could check the HCG level. I took the blood test at 11 a.m. and I got the results back at 3:30. I was on the phone with the nurse (my mom was sitting next to me and Mykel walked in the door from work) when I got the good news. The test showed I was definitely pregnant. I have to take another test in two days to make sure the hormones are doubling to make sure it is not ectopic. I am so glad it has taken this long to get pregnant otherwise I might not have my wonderful little boys! They are going to be so excited!!!

When I picked Bryan up from school his teacher said to me “doesn’t he just have the sweetest disposition? He is so lovable!” It is amazing how my feelings for the boys have increased since I found out I was pregnant. I appreciate them even more. My heart just aches sometimes because I love them so much. My Father in Heaven has blessed me so much, it is truly remarkable! I know he has a plan for each one of us and he is acutely aware of our needs and the desires of our hearts. Life is wonderful!

Infertility

So to all those women out there who are having a hard time conceiving, this post is for you! Don’t you love when pregnant women tell you “oh my gosh, it took me three (six, nine, etc) months to get pregnant, it was so stressful!” Well, boo-hoo! Only women who have been trying for YEARS to get pregnant (and possibly never do) can understand what I mean.

My first inclination that I may have problems conceiving happened when I was eight years old, yep, you read that right, EIGHT! Long story, but basically I fell down a water well shaft and ended up straddling a huge piece of metal, (yeah, it left a mark). Anyway…. I remember laying in the emergency room getting covered with warm blankets to help with shock and asking the doctor, “so, am I still going to be able to have children?” Yes, I actually asked that. Ever since I was a little girl I couldn’t wait to be a MOM.

During high school I had terrible pain (I later learned it was from endometriosis), so during my senior year of high school I had a laparoscopy to see what all the pain was. Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong; except I may have trouble getting pregnant (does that count as “nothing wrong?”)

So, one of my choices was to get married young and start trying right away to get pregnant. I got married at 18. After six months (and not getting pregnant) I went back to see another doctor. He said “you can’t be considered infertile until you try for one year.” So we tried for a year. No results. Then they wanted to check my husband and see if it was him. It wasn’t him.

So after five years of trying (three more surgeries, troubled marriage, crying, depression, etc) I was approached with the idea of adoption (more to come on that later).

Summary: A total of 11 years of trying to conceive (each month getting my hopes up when I was even one day late…. My husband joked that I should’ve had stock in pregnancy tests). I did conceive one time after EIGHT years of trying, only to have a miscarriage at 9-10 weeks (another story too).

I finally had a HYSTERECTOMY after approximately 132 months of trying because I couldn’t take the up and down roller coaster ride of getting my hopes up each month only to have them dashed so severely.

Can any of you relate to this???