Celebrating Ruth's Birthday with the children

We invited Ruth up to our house to celebrate her birthday. The kids got her some gift cards and a cute little Christmas decoration.
Ruth also came with us to the Santa Run 5K and helped the kids cheer me on as I ran... don't worry, I gave them my cookies and milk as I ran by!

Ruth with all the kiddos!

Ava and her two moms!

Ava and Aubrey getting ready to go to the Santa Run!

I haven't written anything on this blog for a while because I just didn't have anything to write about. I decided to just post things about my kids as they relate to adoption so they will have an accurate story of their lives.

For the last few nights Ava has been saying to me, "I want to go live with Ruth." I know that option isn't possible, but sometimes it hurts to hear it. I think that was one of my biggest fears, that my children would want to go back and live with their birth mother.

"Sharing" is hard sometimes.

Satan is working on the moms…

Time to write about something that has been on my mind for a while….

I had one of my close friends call me last night and tell me that her marriage of 18 years is about over. I listened to her reasons and I wasn’t surprised to hear her saying the same things I was saying just a few months before. As I mentioned a little bit in my last post, I haven’t been writing on my blog because I was going through my own “selfish” phase (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, it took stepping back and finding out what was really important to realize that is what it was, me being selfish).

This post is going to be very self-revealing but every one of us has our own trials and weaknesses, so I hope you will stick with me and that someone will benefit from what I have learned (and hopefully not make the same mistake).

Here is my story – a few months ago I got a Facebook note from one of my guy “friends” - It was a guy I haven’t seen since I was 14 (22 years ago). I have a cardinal rule not to chat or e-mail members of the opposite sex (especially if I have ever had a crush on them). I debated writing him back. He had only sent a small note saying that he thought I looked nice in one of my pictures (of course it made me feel good, everyone likes a compliment right?) Well I debated about writing him back for several days, (I knew deep down inside that I shouldn’t) but there was something I had wanted to ask him since the last time I saw him (in 8th grade) so I gave in to temptation, thus breaking my own rule.

We wrote a couple more times (quite innocently at first) and then of course a little more flirtatious. I wasn’t keeping it secret from my husband, I had told him about the first time he wrote me and I even discussed what I wrote to my “friend” but I was still being private. I knew nothing could physically happen between the two of us (he lives in another country) but it felt nice to get showered with attention, especially at a time when my self-esteem was lacking.
Pretty soon I started to notice little things that “bugged” me about my husband, and how “bad” he treated me. I started to question my happiness and everything around me “was I happy just being a mom and wife, was there more for me out there, was I missing out on something, did I need time just for ME?” etc.” I was in the “me” mode, I was only concerned with me (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, I was blaming everyone else for my “unhappiness.”)

I knew I needed to stop writing this guy, but it was almost like an addiction (I needed his attention it seemed). Finally, my husband said to me “you are acting like you did when you left me.” (For those of you who don’t know, my husband and I were separated and ultimately divorced and remarried during the fourth year of our marriage). I was surprised he was so perceptive to how I was feeling; I thought I was acting normal, probably trying to act more “normal” than usual, but he picked up on it.

I finally wrote this guy and told him I couldn’t write him anymore (it was hard to let go, even though I hadn’t even seen him in person and what did he mean to me anyway? NOTHING!)

I am writing about this and exposing my own faults because I have witnessed so many of my peers (women in their thirties, married with children) start feeling like they needed something MORE, needed something else, needed what the world deems as happiness. It may first start with innocent chatting with someone of the opposite sex and pretty soon you “realize” how “unhappy” you are.

“A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence.” Julie B. Beck

So what is the end result of us (women and men) being selfish? Ultimately our children are the ones who suffer. During an especially trying day my son said to me “mom, are you going to run away?” I knew I could never leave my children; I could never hurt them by giving up just because of some selfish reason of me wanting “more.”

After I ended my “relationship” with my friend, I had to find new ways to start loving my husband again, finding even small things that I remembered I used to adore about him. I started focusing my time and energy on him and my children and getting away from the computer. I ultimately quit my job that required me to be on the computer for several hours a day (thus helping suppress my need to go online). The confidence in knowing I have been entrusted with these five beautiful children was enough to help me realize that I didn’t need MORE. I needed to be a MOM.

“It is unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines and slink across movie screens – all while being celebrated by the world…. I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors.” M. Russell Ballard

~ GIVING ~

I feel so blessed to have witnessed so many miracles in my lifetime, and today was no exception. I haven’t been writing my blog for the past few months because I have been going through my own personal crisis (basically selfishness if I am being honest with myself). But tonight I was brought back to reality by witnessing a tremendous selfless act.

I just arrived home after being at the hospital for the past nine hours with one of my dearest and closet friends. She gave birth today to a beautiful baby girl (five weeks early) ~ but she won’t be taking her home, another amazing couple will be taking this tiny infant girl home. My friend is not giving up this baby girl for adoption; she has been a surrogate mother for the past nine months.

I have watched my friend endure morning sickness, extreme headaches, sickness from the extra hormones, untold changes and disruptions in her family life and normal routine and ultimately almost losing her own life so she could help this couple become parents.

I have been able to meet this couple several times over the past year so I was thrilled to be in my friend’s room when they arrived to see their little girl for the first time. The look on their faces, the feeling in the room, and the glow on my best friend’s cheeks and face were indescribable.

I could never thank my children’s birth mother enough for the amazing sacrifices she has made for me. I am so grateful to the many remarkable women in my life and the miracles I witness each day. Life is wonderful!

Family Matters – the resemblance is uncanny!

I have read many articles and books that suggest that adopted children often wonder who they look like and where they got certain characteristics. I have often wondered myself who my children resemble; their mother or their father’s side and where they got their nice noses, eyes and face shape, etc. I know my children look similar to my husband and I, many if not all people I meet would have no idea that my children are adopted, but I also believe it is important for my children to find out where they got their inherited characteristics.

Ruth and Aubrey sharing a moment looking at pictures

(Aubrey put the beautiful flowers in Ruth's hair)

My son Cole has been writing his biological mother (Ruth) for the past several months and apparently he facilitated meeting Ruth’s brothers and sister (my children’s biological aunt and uncles). I was excited to see them again because it has been over six years since we last met and obviously the children have all changed, Ava was only one and Aubrey wasn't even born at the time of our last meeting. We even met one of their cousins and he was absolutely adorable with Aubrey!

Ava, Ruth and Aubrey

On July 5th we were able to facilitate a meeting - it was an amazing visit! Our time together couldn’t have gone any better. We all met for lunch and then went to meet my children’s (birth) mother Ruth. We sat on the front porch of a house for about three hours and visited, took pictures, laughed and got to know each other better; it was all so comfortable, just like being with family should be.

And you can definitely see where my children get their good looks; they absolutely look like their uncles! I can’t wait for the next visit!

Finding and Meeting (Birth, Real, First) Parents

Wow, I can’t believe it has been three weeks since I have written anything!

Tonight as I was driving my son to practice he mentioned that one of his friends is also adopted. He said “when he turns 16 he is going to drive around and look for his mom.” I asked my son if he is glad he knows who his birth mother is. He said he couldn’t really say one way or another because he has always known.

This made me think about the people I have met who have placed children and may not know where they are now. Maybe they were promised an “open” adoption and then once the child’s adoption was finalized they were left with nothing (how manipulative and sad!) I thought of my son’s friend who is wondering about his mother…where she is, who she is.

My daughter’s birth father contacted me today and asked if she could call him on the phone. My daughter is seven, but she knows about her birth mother. I don’t know if she understands as much about her birth father because he is the only birth father that I actually have contact with. (She has seen pictures of him and we talk about him, although her other siblings don’t really talk about their birth fathers). Her birth father’s birthday is this weekend, so I will most likely allow her to call him then. I imagine the conversation will be brief, but he (her birth father) said “ I just want to hear her voice.” Such a small request but one that my husband and I will of course allow. He hasn’t seen her since she was an infant although he has talked to her on the phone before. She even sang him a song (You are so Beautiful to Me).

My beautiful Ava girl a few days ago (don't mind the date on the picture, it is wrong!)

So I am wondering if any parents who have placed (is there a better word?) children would be willing to give me some advice on how they would envision meeting their children. I am still trying to locate my sons’ birth father; I know they will want to meet him at some point, although I am unsure how he will react or if he even wonders about them. What do you do in cases where the birth parents don’t want to be contacted? How do you know if they want to be contacted by their children?

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

Weekend at IKEA!

Last Saturday we were headed to Salt Lake so I decided to ask Ruth if she could meet us for lunch. (She just moved closer to us!) She was available so we made plans to get together at Ikea to shop and have lunch. We arrived first and we were all standing in the lobby looking out the glass windows waiting for her… Ava saw Ruth first and started running to her “Ruth, Ruth!!!” She then proceeded to give her a huge hug! It was a beautiful site. The boys were a little less dramatic, but I think they were happy to see her as well. (Bryan had to work so he wasn’t with us).

I was hoping that Cole would have the chance to talk to Ruth as we walked around the huge store. Ruth pushed Aubrey in the cart and Aubrey was talking her ear off for the first 20 minutes or so, but when she saw me again she wanted me to hold her (I felt bad taking her away from Ruth). We all just wandered around looking at different items, giving each child a chance to talk to Ruth privately if they wished. Ruth and I talked and she told me she didn’t want to have any of the children feel bad or singled out, so she was trying to talk to each of the individually. She did a great job.

Cole was unusually clingy to me most of the time we were together (which really surprised me). After buying a few kitchen items we headed back upstairs to have lunch. Cole sat across the table from Ruth and Ava and Aubrey sat near her as well. Cole finally opened up and started talking to her (nothing too serious, but at least having a conversation). He told me later that it is easier to talk via letters.

After lunch Mykel, Preston, Ava and Aubrey sat on the display couches and watched a movie while Ruth, Cole and I walked around the top floor looking at furniture for another hour or so (which was nice).

Cole and Preston bought Ruth a cinnamon roll to take home with her and Ava and Cole walked Ruth to her car to say goodbye. The kids were all in good spirits as we headed home.

I am so grateful that my children know who Ruth is and that she is willing to meet with them, talk to them, hug them and spend time with them. I think “knowing” her helps my children. On several occasions Ruth has told me that “knowing where her children are and that they are happy” helps her deal with her pain and loss as well. I do have to say that I know all open adoptions aren’t like this. Ruth has been very wonderful about allowing me space to be my children’s mother. Our relationship has evolved over time and changed due to each of our circumstances. I hope that our relationship will continue to grow so that each child can get to know Ruth personally and know what an amazing person she is and the huge sacrifice she made so that we could be a family.

What is NORMAL?

First of all I would like to thank those of you who have written me e-mails and made positive comments on my blog. I have found so many negative blogs (about adoption) and have been reading so much negative material I was beginning to doubt my abilities as a mother, but my strength is now renewed! Thank you for turning my eyes and heart back to the positive!

As I have been reading the book “The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child” there are several things that I agree with, and then there are several things that make me question whether the actions of my children are the direct result of being adopted or just normal actions of children growing up and finding out who they are. I tend to side with the latter. I took the book (The Primal Wound) back to the library yesterday, I couldn’t read anymore right now – the following is the last quote I typed from the book:

“Adoption, considered by many as merely a concept, is, in fact, a traumatic experience for the adoptee. It begins with the separation from his biological mother and ends with his living with strangers. Most of his life he may have denied or repressed his feelings about his experience, having had no sense that they would be acknowledged or validated. He may, instead, have been made to feel as if he should be grateful for this monumental manipulation of his destiny. Somewhere within him however, he does have feelings about this traumatic experience, and having these feelings does not mean that he is abnormal, sick, or crazy. It means that he is wounded as a result of having suffered a devastating loss and that his feelings about this are legitimate and need to be acknowledged, rather than ignore or challenged.”

Bryan is my oldest son. He was originally placed with our family when he was 2 ½ years old, a few months later his birth mother wanted to parent him so he went back to be with his mother and grandmother and then returned to our family 14 months later when he was almost four.

I don’t know everything about Bryan during his first four years of life but I know that his mother and grandmother took very good care of him. He is the oldest grandchild so I know he was given a lot of attention and love.

Bryan has always been exceptional… exceptionally smart, exceptionally obedient, and an all around exceptionally successful person. Bryan has a phenomenal memory and amazing recall of past events. He is always willing to help me, usually without being asked. (Is this because he is so depressed and deprived from being adopted, as the author of the Primal Wound would have me believe?) I don't think so!

Bryan receiving his Eagle Scout Award last year.

I often wonder, is Bryan's behavior “normal” or is he an exceptional over achiever due to some "unseen wound" that lies within him due to being adopted? Bryan knows he is adopted; we talk about it openly whenever he has a question. He can e-mail his birth mother at any time, call her on the phone, or talk to her on Facebook, if he chooses to do so. A few years ago when Ruth moved he even came with me and helped Ruth move into her new apartment.

When I asked Bryan what he thought about me keeping my blog “open” he responded that he wanted to keep it open. He said talking about adoption with his friends gives him an opportunity to meet new people and share his beliefs. He was very adamant about keeping my blog available for anyone to read.

(Thus it is still open right now).

I just got back from an awards assembly at his junior high school. Bryan was given the “Soaring Eagle” award (his school mascot is the Eagle) – and he had to be nominated by a teacher, I would like to share what his teacher wrote on his nomination form (the words in CAPS were like that on the nomination) – Bryan gave me his permission to share on my blog:

Camille (me) with Bryan holding his awards

“Bryan is an amazing student. It is not easy to skip a grade, but he did. He was too advanced in 7th grade so he became a 9th grader this year when he should have been in 8th grade normally. I LOVE having him in my computer tech class because he desires to learn all he can from me. I ALWAYS have his full attention when I teach – his eyes are always on me and he listens intently, soaking in all the information.

I LOVE the fact that he wants to learn all he can. He chose to sit front and center in the classroom. Whenever I am teaching and his classmates start talking, he is the first one to speak up and tell them to be quiet. Like I said, he wants to learn all he can, not to be held back by his classmates.

Bryan is a top notch student. The sky is the limit with him, nothing holds him back from achieving. He plows through to be a high achiever… can we clone him???

He is kind, helpful, and friendly with his new 9th grade friends, he fits right in with his fellow high value/high achieving students. He does choose his friends wisely. I am so impressed with Bryan.”

My children are as “normal” as any other teenagers I know with similar questions and concerns with regards to growing up. I decided to just keep focusing on the positive – it far outweighs the negative in my life, especially with regards to my children and our family. I believe my children know they are loved; inevitably they will still have questions with regards to their placement with our family, but we will continue to be open and honest as the questions arise.

We have been blessed beyond measure and I acknowledge my Father in Heaven for blessing me so abundantly!