Our Story, Part 19 - "Together Forever"

Here are two short journal entries from March 1999 (two months before Bryan came back to live with us).

March 20, 1999

“My mom called this morning and said that there might be a possibility that we could get Bryan back. I didn’t hesitate for even a second; I just wish he was here now. I have been struggling with the fact that I can’t have any children, but when my mom called I felt as if it would be complete if Bryan were here. I sure hope that Ruth lets him come live with us. I just want to hold him and make him feel safe.”

March 30, 1999

“Ruth called me today and asked if we wanted Bryan – YES!!! I miss that little guy so much and I can’t wait until he is with us again. We are going to Vernal on Friday April 2 and we will get to see him. I really hope he will be able to come home with us. I can’t wait to just hold him and love him. Ruth said he asks about us and that he has been really depressed lately. He says he wants to go live with 'Miguel and Daddy.' I can’t wait to see him!”

We were able to see Bryan for several days in April but he did end up going back with Ruth after our visit. He came back to live with us permanently in May.

~ In the judge's chambers on the day of Bryan's finalization ~

Bryan’s adoption was finalized in November 1999, six months after he was placed with us for the second time. For his finalization we met in the judge’s chambers and the entire meeting was recorded for us. I remember sitting across the desk from the judge holding one of the boys on my lap (one on Mykel’s lap and one on our attorney’s lap). It was very emotional for both Mykel and I as we tried to convey the reasons we wanted Bryan to remain a permanent part of our family. We were both in tears when Mykel said “because I love him and he is our son.”

The day after finalization was even more significant. We were able to have Bryan *sealed to our family. Ruth and I are both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and a core belief of our religion is that families can be together forever. Valorie moved to Vernal because an LDS temple was being built there and she was able to convince Ruth to move with her and that is how we crossed paths and initially met each other. Ruth has told me on several occasions that she decided to place the boys with us because she wanted the boys to be *sealed to a mother and a father.

Together at the Vernal Temple for Bryan's sealing (Cole and Preston were sealed to us previously after their adoptions were finalized).

“Was there ever a man who truly loved a woman, or a woman who truly loved a man, who did not pray that their relationship might continue beyond the grave? Has a child ever been buried by parents who did not long for the assurance that their loved one would again be theirs in a world to come? Can anyone believing in eternal life doubt that the God of heaven would grant His sons and daughters that most precious attribute of life, the love that finds its most meaningful expression in family relationships? No, reason demands that the family relationship shall continue after death. The human heart longs for it, and the God of heaven has revealed a way whereby it may be secured. The sacred ordinances of the house of the Lord provide for it.” Gordon B. Hinckley http://www.lds.org/temples/purpose/why/0,11581,1953-1,00.html

Bryan and Camille (me) sharing a moment at the Vernal Temple
The ordinance of having my children *sealed to me was the most wonderful and sacred feeling I have ever experienced – we are an Eternal Family!

(*The sealing ordinance is that ordinance which binds families eternally through the power of the priesthood.)

Our Story, Part 18 - Ruth

A few years ago we were driving in the car and out of the blue Preston said “I wonder how Ruth is doing and if she is okay.” The boys periodically ask how she is doing and wonder if she is happy, but the amazing thing about Preston asking that day was that it was actually Ruth’s birthday. I had spoken with her a few days before (Preston was unaware that she and I had talked on the phone) so I was able to give him an honest answer about her welfare (and she was having a hard time).

On Christmas Eve 2007, we were only living about a half-hour away from Ruth so we made plans to meet for dinner. The restaurant was fairly quiet so we were able to sit around a large table and just let the kids enjoy the meal and talk to Ruth. We took some pictures and the kids gave her some gifts they had made and bought, but the best part of the night was when we were all walking back to our cars after the meal. Mykel took the little girls and put them in our van, but Bryan, Cole and Preston walked with Ruth and I up the block to her parked car. It had been snowing and her windows were covered with a thick layer. The boys cleaned the snow off her car and then gave her the presents they had brought.


Cole then asked Ruth “are you lonely?” Cole is always concerned that Ruth is sad because they don’t live with her. We talk about that a lot and I try to ease their concerns by letting them know that “yes, Ruth does miss you, but she knows that you are happy and that makes her happy.” That might seem like a trite answer, but I don’t think I am the person to fully answer that question.

The other day my 6-year-old daughter Ava was looking at the pictures on my blog. Suddenly she got all excited and said “I know her! I know her! (pointing to the pictures) She is my birth mom, that is RUTH!”
The children all seem to have a special connection with Ruth, like a sixth sense to know when she is having a hard time in life or may be sad, because it seems like they will ask me questions about her during those times. I am amazed by this unbreakable bond.

I talked to Ruth before I started this blog to let her know what I was doing and if she would be okay with me using her name and her pictures. I also asked her if she ever wanted to comment on my blog that she was free to do so. I told her she can be as open and honest as she wanted to about how she felt and this is the response I received yesterday:

It is good to read Camille's blogs, to see things from her perspective, which has been healing for me. It wasn't easy placing the kids, any of them, for adoption. I wanted what was best for them; I knew that with Mykel and Camille that they would have much better, much happier lives than they would with me as a single mom. Camille and Mykel have been great about letting me see the kids, to be a part of their lives, which has also made placing the kids easier because I knew that I could still see them from time to time, that the kids weren’t totally gone, I would know how they are doing, I would never question if they were ok, if they were happy. I am glad that we have an open adoption, I am so thankful to Camille and Mykel for letting me be a part of their lives.

No, I didn’t pay her to write those things, she is honestly that sweet and kind. The amazing thing about Ruth is that I still get cards in the mail from her or e-mails and she is always thanking ME.

Here is an example of a simple, sweet note she wrote to me in November 2008:

Camille, I thank Heavenly Father for you and the kids. ~Ruth

I could never thank her enough for blessing my life so abundantly and allowing me to be a mother.

Our Story, Part 17 - "Open" adoption

After Bryan came back to live with us permanently we had to figure out where the boundaries were with Ruth and how “open” we wanted this adoption to be. I have to admit that I have made many mistakes during the process of this birth parent/adoptive parent relationship, first because of my own ignorance for Ruth’s feelings and second because I listened to other people’s advice instead of listening to my gut. For a time I took the advice that “we should just move on with our lives” (which would mean not letting Ruth visit the boys). I played into that unsolicited advice when Bryan first came back because I thought it would be too confusing for Bryan. Preston and Cole were so young they really didn’t know who Ruth was compared to me. Yes they called me “mom,” but they would still go to anybody else and not worry about who was holding them or feeding them, they were just happy to be loved.

Mykel with Cole and Preston 1999

In Bryan’s case he had been back and forth between Ruth and I so many times he was probably wondering where to call home and who to call “mom.” Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I realize now that my motive for not allowing Ruth to see the boys was because of my own insecurities as their mother. I was jealous of the competition to put it bluntly. I couldn’t see at the time that Ruth was missing them terribly, especially Bryan. I mean, she had been Bryan’s mother for the first three years of his life and Valorie had a special relationship with him as his grandmother, so how can taking that all away be good for anyone? Ruth and Valorie told me they only wanted to make sure that the boys knew that they still loved them and had not abandoned them ~ who can fault them for that? As time went on distance also became a factor in how often they could visit as we lived several hours away from each other.

Out on the farm

As I explained in one of my earlier posts, this wasn’t the normal adoption or normal adoption relationship, but it was the only one we knew. People have been very complimentary about my parenting skills since I started writing this blog, but I am the first to admit that I am definitely NOT the perfect mother ~ patience is a learned skill that I am still working to achieve!

The first few years with the boys I really struggled. Contrary to popular belief, adoptive parents aren’t the perfect parents marketing ads and commercials make them out to be. Mykel and I were far from the role model parents. We had marital and financial struggles, we definitely weren’t rich, and who was to say that we were any more qualified than the next person to raise these boys? We were just blessed to cross paths at the right time with Ruth and the results of this "open" adoption relationship have been more than we could ever ask for.

Cole, Preston, Bryan and Camille (me)

Even though life was very stressful during the time before Bryan’s adoption was finalized, I have a lot of good memories with the boys. One of my favorite memories is when I would tuck them in at night, they liked me to do the “Chicken Dance” with them – we would speed up the song and dance really fast and then fall to the ground laughing. I haven’t tried that with my girls yet….and trust me, no one wants to see me dance.

I have told my children several times “parents don’t have an instruction manual about how to raise their children, we have to learn as we go along and we make mistakes.” Fortunately for me, Ruth and I were able to make things work with this “open” adoption relationship ~ the adoption of the three boys was just the beginning of this amazing journey that has been over twelve years in the making.

Our Story, Part 16 - "You got your kids the EASY way!"

I didn’t post yesterday because I wanted to take some time and watch the video footage I took from when I first got all three boys. There is nothing like home videos to help you remember the little things you’ve forgotten over the years. People are right when they say kids grow up too fast. I loved seeing them so small!

Until I watched the video I hadn’t remembered that Bryan spent Easter weekend with us before he came back permanently. I knew that we spent a day or two with him (I have pictures of all three boys in the tub during that break), but I forgot that he actually got to come to our house in Ogden and stay for a while. I don’t remember what it felt like to see him leave; in fact I don’t even remember who picked him up and took him back to Ruth. I think at that point I was numb to all the coming and going. I can only imagine how confusing it was for a three-year-old.

Preston, Cole and Bryan during Easter Vacation - 1999

After Bryan came to live with us we spent the next six months getting ready for his adoption to be finalized (and adjusting to being a family of five!) We had to meet with the social worker again (luckily we had the same one so we didn’t have to answer all the probing questions this time) and complete another home study. It still felt weird to have someone watch us interact with our children to see if we were fit parents or not. Those visits were never really comfortable; tolerable, but not comfortable. I felt that if there was one thing out of place in my house or if the children did something wrong then it would lessen our possibility of the adoption being finalized. Those visits were very stressful!

But being a new mom with three little boys also brought different challenges. Because the boys were so close in age, when I had all three of them together in a grocery cart people would ask “are they triplets?” or “don’t you know what birth control is?” or “are they ALL yours?” or “Wow! They are really close in age, did you plan that?” I know people ask questions for conversation but I have learned over the years not to assume something about someone or their children because most likely you will put your foot in your mouth! (I am as guilty as the next person for doing this.)

One of my least favorite remarks people say when they hear my children are adopted is: “You got your kids the EASY way! You didn’t even have to get stretch marks!” Ohhhhhh, this one really burns me up! (People say this to me even now and it is so annoying!) For people who make this comment I really don’t want to give them the courtesy of a response, I mean, what kind of response am I going to give them except for a kick to the shin or something like that? (I want to do that, but I don’t.) I am half-tempted to just pull up my shirt and show them my nice “non-stretch mark” stomach just to make myself feel better. Okay, I would never really do that, but I think about it sometimes. And just for the record, I DO have stretch marks on my arms from carrying the boys around, so I show them those! Someone told me once (after we had been trying for several years to conceive) “you just don’t want to get pregnant because you don’t want to get fat.” That one hurt, a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t long to know what it felt like to have nine months to prepare for a child that would someday have your eyes, your husband’s chin and grandpas’ nose. I wanted to feel a baby kick, feel him hiccup, see him on the ultrasound, feel my stomach expand to fit his growing body, and oh how I longed to hold a brand new baby right after birth and hear him cry for the first time.

Some days I feel robbed of those memories. I don’t have any pictures of me with my children at the hospital (I feel blessed that Ruth gave me pictures of the children when they were infants). I missed the first three years of Bryan’s life and the first eight months of Cole’s life, so I don’t know what they were like as tiny babies, if they slept all night, when they first crawled or what their first words were. But I digress.

All of those things I missed still hurt, but then I realized, I have the rest of my life together with my children to make new memories. I am the one who gets to tuck them in at night. I am the one who gets to hold them, kiss them, hug them, and read to them. I get to watch them grow up. I can’t compare my pain to Ruth’s pain – it is a completely separate entity. Her pain and loss are now my joy and future (and how is THAT fair?)

I don’t feel like complaining anymore, what else can I ask for? I get to be their mom.

Our Story, Part 15 - "Mom"

When I first considered adoption, I thought I wanted a private adoption, but the more I thought about it, I didn’t even care whether it was open or not, I just wanted to be a mom. Since the first day the boys came to live with us we have tried to be as open and honest as we could about what was going on. They always had questions about Ruth and adoption in general, so I tried to answer them the best I could. Usually I would just give a simple question a simple answer, but sometimes the question would require a longer explanation.

Bryan and Camille (me) in downtown Salt Lake City - 2000

People would always give me advice (usually bad) about what I should do, such as “you shouldn’t let the kids see Ruth, it will just confuse them” or “you need to move on with your life and the kids need to move on” ~ I have to admit that I sometimes bought into this bad advice, usually because of my own insecurities and really not knowing what to do.

Bryan and Camille (me) at the Neola Rodeo - 2004

At the time I didn’t know anyone who was in an “open” adoption, or anyone who had adopted for that matter. I had no idea how I should feel or how to act about my children having a “birth” mom or if I was the “real” mom (I am not very good about the “politically correct” terms or labels people have for adoption).

There was no way to prepare for this situation and I had no guidelines or handbook to tell me what would be best for my children or our family. I just felt that if we were honest with our children they would be able to handle the situation better. Bryan and Camille (me) in 2006

For the first two weeks after Bryan came back to live with us he would only call me “Camille” – he refused to call me “mom” ~ Of course when the boys were tiny, they really didn’t care which “mom” was holding them, they were just happy with whoever was feeding them and loving them. Since Bryan was older, he understood the situation better and he had a lot of questions. I remember one conversation very distinctly. We were driving in the car and he was sitting behind me in his car seat, he was only 3 ½ at the time and had just recently came back to live with us.

Ruth, Bryan and Valorie in 2008

(Bryan's "birth mom" and "biological grandmother")

Bryan used to say to Cole and Preston; “Camille is NOT your REAL mom” (I would be lying if I said this didn’t hurt my feelings). So one day I tried to explain it to him the best I could. I told him that Ruth was his “birth mom.” He wanted to know what “birth mom” meant. I said she was his “birth mom” because she gave “birth” to him. I told him I was his “mom” because I was the person who took care of him and would be raising him. I told him Ruth would always be his birth mother and that she loved him just like I did.

Then he wanted to know about “birth” so I tried to explain in simple terms about a woman and a man creating a child (this was not easy!) I kept driving and he was quiet for a while, then he asked “then where is my birth father?” (all three of my boys have the same birth mother and birth father). Up to that point we really had only discussed his birth mother, so it was a valid question, and in his mind he only had one father, Mykel. I told him what I knew about his birth father and he asked me “tell me everything Ruth told you” (those were his exact words; he was an amazingly perceptive child). We had quite a conversation during that drive, but after I had sufficiently answered all of his questions, he seemed to be content with the answers.

After that car ride and question and answer dialogue, he started calling me “mom.”

Our Story, Part 14 - Reunited

When we came back from California we decided to move to Ogden, so we were now a few hours away from Bryan and Ruth. Since we lived so far away we didn’t see each other as frequently, but we still saw Bryan at Easter and for Cole and Preston’s birthday and on several other occasions. Celebrating Preston and Cole's Birthday, April 1999

The day after Mother’s Day in May 1999, 14 months after Bryan went back to live with Ruth, she called and asked me if Bryan could come live with us. I told Ruth that if Bryan came to live with us that he was not going back (that may sound harsh, but I could not handle losing him again, and I did not want to keep confusing Bryan).

All the "boys" together for a visit (before Bryan came back)

She said Bryan kept asking to go and live with his “real family.” The year before when I had helped Ruth and Bryan move to their new apartment I gave them a picture of us (Mykel, me, Cole and Preston). Apparently it was hanging in their apartment and when Bryan would look at it, he would say it was his “real” family. I don’t know what finally changed Ruth’s mind about allowing Bryan to come back to us, but I am so glad she did,

I cannot imagine my life without my son Bryan!

The "Real Family" picture

Since we lived several hours away, I couldn’t just come and pick Bryan up right after she called. We made arrangements for my mother-in-law to pick him up and meet me the next morning. We were supposed to meet in Heber City (which was the half-way point) but I left early and drove so fast that we ended up meeting on the side of the highway. Bryan got in with me and I put all of his stuff in the back of my Jeep. For people passing by it probably looked like I was picking up my son from visiting grandma’s house, little did they know I was picking him up to be with us forever! All together again!

When I got in the car he just looked at me, looked at his brothers, and then looked straight ahead. I cannot even imagine what was going through his head at the time (I really think he was angry with me). I was just hoping he wasn’t scared of me. We started with small talk and that is when he told me he remembered living with us and when he killed the fish (I honestly couldn’t believe he remembered that, he was only 2 ½ at the time!) He also told me about his aunts and uncles and the trip he had made to the Denver Zoo. He remembered the names of the places he had visited and even remembered all of their names (and he went on this trip when he was 3).

Pictures of the boys for Father's Day 1999 (about a month after Bryan came back)

I asked him if he was hungry and he said “yes” so we decided to stop and eat at one of our favorite places ~ we call it “The Train Place.” ~ So there I was, sitting and eating hamburgers and shakes with my three sons, and it all just seemed so natural, like we were just out for a normal day together for lunch.

By the time we arrived home Bryan had warmed up considerably. We got his things unpacked and he just started running around the house and playing with his brothers, it was so wonderful to see them all together again! Mykel and I just looked at each other and smiled – we were now the parents of three boys, all under the age of 3 ½.

Life was good!

Our Story, Part 13 - "Decree of Adoption"

In November 1998, seven months after Preston came to live with us, and 11 months after Cole came to live with us, their adoptions were finalized. It had been less than one year since that Thanksgiving day when my dad asked me if I was interested in adoption, and here we were, now the parents of two amazing little boys!

"Finalization day!"

(Our attorney was standing between us, but I had to cut him out because I don't have permission to use his picture)

The language of the “Decree of Adoption” is short but very powerful ~
(the following is a small portion)

“… previously known as Baby B, is hereby declared adopted by Mykel and Camille Henrie as their child and hereafter he shall be regarded and treated in all respects as their natural and lawful child and there shall exist between said parties all of the rights, benefits and privileges instant to that parent/child relationship, together with all responsibilities and duties of a parent to their child and of child to his parents.”

The day after finalization at a party with our family.

“That petitioners (us) shall hereafter jointly share the relationship of parents to said children and shall have all of the rights, and shall be subject to all of the duties and responsibilities of that relationship. That said minor adoptive children shall have all of the rights, and be subject to all of the duties and responsibilities of the parent/child relationship.”

At a restaurant in California on Christmas Day 1998

The adoption finalization before a judge only lasts a few minutes ~ You raise your right hand and answer questions about why the children should be allowed to be adopted by you, why you want to adopt them and you swear to be a responsible and good parent.

(Shouldn’t ALL parents be required to answer these questions?)
After the adoptions were finalized, it was if an entire new part of my heart was opened up to the boys that had been closed before. I (unknowingly) hadn’t allowed myself to fully and completely love them because I was so afraid of losing them. They were finally “mine” in the sense that they couldn’t legally be taken away again;

Mykel and I were now their “real parents” (if there is such a thing).

Our first Christmas morning together!

We moved to California as soon as the adoptions were finalized. We were only there for a few short months, but we enjoyed our first Christmas together, feeding seagulls on the beach together, and getting stares and rude comments for “having our children so close together.”

We didn’t stay in California for very long though…the possibility of Bryan joining our family would be much easier realized if lived closer to Ruth, so we moved back and that possibility became a reality a few short months later.