Teenagers

I know I have mentioned several times how amazing the attorney is who facilitated all five of our adoptions. Well, as I would thank him for helping us adopt these beautiful children, he would jokingly say,

 “we’ll see if you thank me when they are teenagers…”

I am happy to report that I can thank him a million times for my wonderful teenagers! My three teenage sons have been the most amazing young men and such an inspiration and joy in my life. We have had countless conversations about their birth parents, adoption, hopes, dreams, doubts, etc. and I believe the main reason my sons are so “well adjusted” is because of the openness about their past, where they came from and how they became a part of our family. For me, open adoption has been the only way to go.

'Extended' Family

Open adoption is an amazing thing. Not only have I gained five beautiful children, I have gained their family as well. A few months ago I received a message from my children’s biological aunt; Ruth’s sister Holli. I have kept in touch with Ruth’s family via Facebook so they can see pictures and get updates on the kids. Here is an excerpt from that message (used with permission).

Camille,

It’s one of those internet surfing, can’t sleep nights and I’ve been catching up on your blog. Tears and smiles left and right. I think this falls in the category of things that never get old to hear, but I think of the kids more often than any of you know and it overwhelms me how ‘lucky’ they are to have such an incredible life. Seeing photos and updates, though I don’t look often enough, is such a good feeling from an Aunt’s perspective; to see how happy all the faces are. I love knowing they are in your family. Maybe I don’t check on them more often because I know they’re in good hands. I truly admire the environment you guys have created for raising children…. I wanted to let you know I think about you guys and love the blog.

Holli

I feel blessed beyond belief. I love being a mom!

Ava meets her birth father!

Last October my daughter Ava had the opportunity to meet her birth father. His name is Tony, and he and I have kept in touch over the years. Once in a while he will call and talk to Ava, or Ava will send him little messages and videos on my iPhone.  We share pictures via Facebook, but Ava had never met him in person (at least since she was about one year old).

My children all know their birth mother, but none of them have met their birth fathers except for the first few months of their lives. All three of my boys share the same mother and father, but my daughters have different dads. My boys would like to meet their birth father but we don’t have any information about him except his name (we have never seen a picture of him).

Ava has known about her birth father since the beginning. I have pictures of him in her photo album and she has talked to him on and off over the years but had never met face to face until last fall.

Tony’s mother (Ava’s grandmother), sadly passed away last year (Ava was able to talk to her and send her a short video before she passed on).   When Tony came to the funeral he was only a few hours away from us. He sent me a text on a Saturday morning and asked if he could see Ava. We made arrangements to meet a few hours later at the same McDonald’s that we met at years ago when Ava was first placed with us. Ava was so excited! I also brought my son Bryan because he knew Tony, (Bryan lived with Ruth when Tony and Ruth were dating).

Ava looks so much like her biological father!

Tony adores Ava and is very respectful of our family.

Tony is Native American from the Ute Tribe and he gave Ava some of her grandmother’s jewelry. She has an amazing heritage and I want her to know about her family and ancestors.

I love that my children can know their birth parents.

Thank you Tony for taking the time to come see us!

Thank you for allowing Ava to be part of our family as well!

Hard questions

The other night my 4-year-old daughter was getting on her teenage brother’s nerves. My son made the comment… “can’t we just give her away and let someone else adopt her?” He was completely serious as if it was a viable and available option.

It reminded me of a discussion that he and I had a few years earlier when he asked me if someone else could adopt him. He was worried that if I didn’t want him that I could just give him to someone else. His comment and question really made me think of the numerous questions my children have with regards to placement, adoption, biological parents and their own situation.

I tried my best to explain to my son that, no; I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to adopt him and that he was my son forever. This was a hard question to answer because of course he wondered how he could be placed in our family and adopted and that it couldn’t happen again. He knew his older brother was placed and then taken back and then placed again… such a confusing time!

I think about all these questions and I realize that when my children were young and I was dealing with the day to day struggles of parenting, placement, home studies, etc., I had no idea how/if/when I would have to deal with these inquiries.

I am grateful that we have been very open with our children with regards to their birth parents, their placement in our home and their own individual stories, it has made these discussions easier, but there are still questions that are hard to answer. It is almost weekly that we have talks about their birth mother, their birth father(s) and even their biological uncles, aunts and grandparents. I don’t have all the answers, but quite honestly, what parent does?

I don’t know any other families who are in an open adoption, much less any who have teenagers right now, so here are a few things that have helped me over the last decade:

(If any one has any suggestions/ideas that have worked for them, please feel free to share!)

Validate the question(s), it is okay to have questions.

Reaffirm your love for them as an individual and as your child - Sometimes my children were hesitant to ask me questions about their birth mother because they didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” if they were talking about their “other mom.” I will admit that when my boys were first placed with us, I did feel jealous of their mother, I felt I was being compared on every level with her. I don’t feel that way now; I feel that she and I both have significant and independent roles to play in their lives.


Be honest – I try to answer their questions to the best of my ability, but sometimes I don’t have an answer to their question(s). If they ask a question and want an answer right away, I do my best, but sometimes after I have time to think about their question and my answer, I may go back and tell them that I didn’t answer their question properly. I have told my older boys, “I don’t have a parental instruction manual, I am learning just like they are and I am not always right!”

Love them unconditionally.

So blessed to be a mom!

No one is immune

A few months ago during a neighborhood social event, I was listening to the chatter of several women who are pregnant. At one point I was sitting next to a woman who had just revealed that she was expecting her third (unplanned) child. She looked across the table and said to me, (paraphrasing) “I wish I could adopt, it would be SO much easier than being pregnant! Besides, you get to keep your figure and look like THAT!”

 

 

Me at the end of a hike, contemplating life....

I was so upset that I just sat silently trying not to say anything (counting loudly to 10 in my mind, repeating the mantra my mother had told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”)  
On my walk home that night and while running on the treadmill the next morning (trying to maintain THAT figure) I thought of all the snappy comments I could’ve said. I really wanted to write her a letter and let her have it!

“We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we
can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.”

These are a few things I wanted to say (but luckily didn’t):

“I would trade my body for any woman’s (fertile body!) just to have the chance to be able to create a child with my husband and feel my child growing inside of me. "

“Enjoy every little pain that you are having, you are experiencing a miracle!”

“I have this figure because I go to the gym five times a week! Not because I have never had children! You should see my sisters’ who have eight children and maintain amazing figures!”

My cute little Aubrey after her haircut!

I am glad I have had a few months to stew about this because recent events helped soften my once angry outlook.

I realized that every one of us have and will endure different trials; no one is immune to having their feelings hurt, no one is immune to pain.

"Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have
experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to
become more and more Christlike. . . . As we understand this doctrine, we gaingreater assurance of our Father's love."

Sometimes trials make us realize just how lucky we really are.

You never know…

Yesterday morning something marvelous happened, my son Bryan said, “I love you mom.” We were all in the living room/kitchen area, I was washing dishes, the kids were all playing and talking and out of the blue Bryan said that to me. I replied, “thanks Bry, I love you too,” and “wow, that was random, what made you say that?” Bryan said, “I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”
If you know Bryan, you know that he is very serious, very spiritual, and a man of few words. He rarely expresses emotion orally. He is very good at showing me that he loves me by his actions (which I love); he is extremely obedient, he helps me all the time without being asked, and in fact he is usually looking for something to do to help me. He talks to me and shares things about his life, he writes me amazing cards and notes and tells me he loves me in writing, but rarely verbally. So yesterday was quite a treat….

Then….Bryan has wanted to work at my husband’s shop for years, he was just waiting until he was old enough (my husband is a machinist). So Bryan finally got up the courage to ask for a summer job and yesterday was his first day on the job. Bryan can’t drive yet, so I offered to take him to work; he declined. Bryan is also taking two summer online courses and one of them is a fitness class, he figured he could run to work and complete one of his fitness assignments on the way. I was a little worried about him running because there are four stoplights and several busy intersections in the four miles from our house to his work. I told him to please be careful and to call me when he got there.

About a half-hour later I got a text from him; “I just got hit by a car, but I am okay.”WHAT???? I was so happy that he was okay, but a little freaked out about the accident. I tried to call Bryan but he didn’t answer, I called my husband but he didn’t answer…. Finally my husband sent me a text letting me know that Bryan had made it to the shop and that he was patching him up. After about a half-hour my son finally called to let me know that he had been hit by a car as he was crossing the street at an intersection. The car hit Bryan, knocked him over and then (in Bryan’s words) “the driver looked me in the eye and then drove off.”

Luckily Bryan only sustained some road rash on his neck, arm, shoulder and ankle, he was otherwise unharmed, for which I am extremely grateful. Only one other driver stopped to make sure Bryan was okay, ironically a teenage driver!

Me, Bryan, Amber (Bryan's friend) last week at my nephew's birthday party

I drove over to see him and make sure he was okay. He was a little shook up but otherwise was focused on the first day at his new job. After work Bryan went to his friend’s house until late that evening so I wasn’t able to talk to him until around 9 p.m., about 12 hours after the accident. Here is what Bryan told me, “that accident changed my life. I could have died. My entire life flashed in front of my eyes. My life is going to be different from now on.” He and I talked about how we both felt that he was being watched over and that apparently it wasn’t his time to go. I thought about our talk earlier in the day when he told me he loved me, I thought about how we never know if today may be our last day, or if when we say goodbye to someone it may be the last time we see them. I am so grateful my son felt like expressing how he felt…. I love him!

“I was born to Laugh”

Yesterday while I was fixing my daughter Ava’s hair, she said to me,

“I was born to laugh.”

I looked at her and she just grinned at me with a huge smile on her face!

Such a true statement! We are all born to laugh! I love my children!