Our Story, Part 39 - Post Placement Study and Finalization

Home Study: A home study is sometimes called an "adoption study," and is a written report containing the findings of the social worker who has met on several occasions with the prospective adoptive parents, has visited their home, and who has investigated the health, medical, criminal, family and home background of the adoptive parents. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child, based on the criteria that have been established by state law. Credit (Adoption.com)

Even though we had two previous home studies performed with the adoption of our three boys, I had never requested a copy of the final report. I decided to ask for one with Ava’s home study. Here is a small excerpt written by our social worker:

"Status of Placement:
The Henries reported to me that the birth father completed the relinquishment of his parental rights on May 21, 2004 before a Notary Public to accomplish this termination. A copy of his relinquishment is included in the adoptive file. The birth mother relinquished her rights on May 27, 2004. She had an attorney help her do this.

The Henries were relieved to know that both the birth father and mother have stepped forward to do this. The Henries have not put any pressure on the birth parents to make their decision. In fact, the Henries have been very open with both birth parents regarding Ava being placed in their home and have reported how she is developing.


Adjustment of Children in the Home:
By reports from both Mr. and Mrs. Henrie they have not experienced any problems with Ava being placed in their home. Actually, the placement has gone exceptionally well for both the parents and the children. The Henries further report that the three boys, Bryan, Cole and Preston 'simply adore' their little sister. They spend much of their waking hours playing with her and ensure she is taken care of the best way they know how. Of course this is under the guidance of the parents.

When I visited the family today they were having a picnic in their back yard with some neighbors. The children were all playing with each other and their friends. Ava was actively involved with others. She is now walking on her own and has been since the first part of June. I observed all of the children interacting with each other for a good part of an hour. During this time I saw how well they played together and how the boys would attend to their sister on many occasions. Ava even began to interact with me by bringing a toy or food item to share with me. I believe this indicates how comfortable she feels and the trust she has with someone else besides family members.



Recommendations:
Therefore, it is my recommendation that the placement of Ava continue as she now feels this is her home. The bonding between all family members with Ava is very strong. Mr. and Mrs. Henrie see Ava as though she is their own biological child. This adoption worker would further recommend that there is no better home for Ava than where she is currently placed."

This is just a small excerpt as the entire "Post-Placement Adoption Report" is over 30 pages long.

Ava’s adoption was finalized on August 17, 2004, when she was a year and a half old. We went in front of a female judge this time and the experience was quite different. We were the only ones in the courtroom besides the judge, the bailiff and our attorney. While our attorney addressed the judge I was trying desperately to keep the boys quiet. They wanted to keep bouncing up and down on fold-away seats. I don’t know why I stressed so much about keeping them quiet. I guess in the back of my head I was thinking “the judge is probably going to wonder about my parenting abilities to take care of this little girl if I can’t take care of my other children!”

The entire procedure probably took about 15-20 minutes. After we signed the paperwork stating that Ava “shall be regarded and treated in all respects as their natural and lawful child,” Cole wanted to run up and give the judge a hug and tell her “thank you" (I did too). The bailiff reacted quickly to a little boy running up to the front of the courtroom and tried to stop him, but then I explained what he wanted to do. The judge was very gracious about letting my other children hug her and tell her “thank you for allowing their little sister to be a part of our family.” The boys were so excited when we were finished and the paperwork was signed; they knew that Ava couldn’t be taken away from us now!

It is weird how things can change with the signing of the adoption decree. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been so worried about my little Ava having to leave our family and now I knew that “legally” she was my little girl. I couldn't stop smiling and hugging and kissing her soft little cheeks!

When people ask me about my children and I try to tell them a little bit of the story, there is always one inevitable question? Why did their mother keep having children?

Ruth and Ava

That answer to that question is not my story to tell. Throughout the telling of “Our Story” on my blog, I have to leave out many details and background of the people involved. There are many other sequences of events that were going on behind the scenes that I am not at liberty to divulge. These “details” may give readers more insight as to why Ruth relinquished her children, but that is her narrative, not mine.

I cannot fault Ruth for wanting to have more children. I am so glad she did, I could never thank her enough for allowing me the opportunity to be a mother and to raise these wonderful children. I have nothing but love and respect for her and the hard choices she has had to make in her life. I love being a mother and I know that it has only been through Ruth that I have been given this chance. Thank you is not enough!

Just a few random thoughts today before I move on….

I have been talking with Ava’s birth father and he would like to contribute his side of the story, but he is really busy with finals right now so I will add his insight at a later date!

As I have been reading through other adoption blogs I have been amazed at the negativity surrounding adoption and how many people are AGAINST adoption. I guess I must have been living in a bubble but I had no idea of these other perspectives (I hadn’t even thought about it from their point of view). It doesn’t change how I feel about adoption, I have had a very positive experience for the most part, but it has really helped me understand how my children might be feeling or what they may feel in the future. I have honestly learned a lot (I wish these blogs were around 10 years ago!)

Back to my story… anyway on the day Ava’s adoption was finalized my attorney drove up to Ogden from Salt Lake City (about a 30-45 minute drive). We met at a bank because we had to have a few papers notarized before we went into court. This was the first time that we had even met with our attorney during Ava’s adoption. I hadn’t paid him a dime up until that point (and he hadn’t asked for anything either). I had just graduated from college and my parents had given me $50 and that was all I had to spare at the time. I gave him the $50 that I had and that was it. When we went into court later that morning and he had to tell the judge what our adoption costs were (for his portion), he said $50 and I think the judge about fainted. I only mention this because so many adoption blogs talk about how they hate how people profit monetarily from adoption. I just want to make it clear that my attorney was not doing this for the money. He took time off of his own job to be at court that day with us. He took our phone calls and gave us advice when we needed it and basically did Ava’s adoption for free. I laugh about this now because the following year I was audited by the IRS the because our adoption expenses were so low…. Go figure!

The story of my youngest daughter Aubrey is quite complex and almost unbelievable; again I am at a loss on where to begin. I am going to take a day or so to get my thoughts together and figure out how to begin with “the rest of the story.”

Our Story, Part 38 - “Enjoy the Journey"

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”

– Proverbs 17.23

Ava with her grandpa - Summer 2004

The spring and summer of 2004 was an amazing test of my faith. At times it seemed like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, I was exhausted everyday with stress and worry that Ava would be taken away from us, but we also enjoyed many precious days together and created wonderful memories as a family. Ava was with our family for 8 ½ months before her adoption was finalized. For those 8 ½ months she wasn’t really “ours.” I know I will get criticism for saying that because some people feel she wasn’t really “ours” in the first place, but she was placed in our home, not by us begging for a child but because her mother felt it was the best place for her to be. When we were finally able to meet with Ava’s birth father he also agreed with her being in our home. I found a line from another adoption blog that I think applies to our situation “adoption is not designed to find babies for people who want them, but rather, to provide homes for children who need a home.”

Camping at Yellowstone in the Spring of 2004

Looking back now I can see how so many people were placed in our path to help us along. Many times I was inspired to make a phone call, write a note or ask a certain question and my life was blessed by listening to those promptings. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and for a Heavenly Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses and is aware of what I am capable of.

Together at an amusement park (I love how Cole and Preston can't let go of Ava).

I am still friends with Ava’s birth father. I share pictures of Ava with him, he has sent her presents for Christmas and writes notes to her via e-mail (all of which I keep for her to read as she gets older and understands more). I am sharing my experience with open adoption with hopes that others will realize that open adoption can and does work. It may not be appropriate in all situations and it is definitely not easy ~ most things in life that are worth anything are not easy while you are going through them, but adversity shapes our lives and makes us who we are and who we will become.

Graduation Day (finally!) with Mykel and Ava!

"Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.
Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.

This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.

Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows. " Thomas S. Monson

Credit: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=92764bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I had to stop stressing about things I had no control over and instead “find joy in the journey” and oh what a journey it has been!

"On Being" - By Valorie

This poem was written by my children's birth grandmother in 1999 after Bryan came to live with us. She has given me permission to share.

ON BEING

Has it been this long since I took pen to make in here some poem?
Has life itself been so heavy that I couldn't take time to share?
Is moving and sorting through the treasures life has stored in drawers
The thing it takes to open hearts to sit and ponder past?

Is losing loved ones what we need to open up our hearts
to deeper understanding of the meaning of our lives on earth?
Do we have to give up all our yesterdays to make someone else's tomorrows?
Does God expect us to ever understand the sacrifice of His Son?
Do we have to sacrifice those we love to come close to understanding?

I hope I will understand...

by: Valorie 1999

Our Story, Part 37 - Not Your Typical Day at the Mall

The next part of this story is so amazing to me, even looking back now I can’t believe how things turned out. I have been blessed with so many miracles in my life!

Ava’s birth father called me as promised two days later…. I still remember how nervous I was to talk to him; I kept pacing around my living room while I tried to talk on the phone. I was surprised at how well he and I were able to talk about the situation at hand. He was very open about what he wanted for Ava and what his expectations were. I think we talked for almost an hour (I was sweating profusely the whole time) but by the end of the phone call he said that he would consent to allow us to adopt Ava! My heart literally felt like it would burst with joy at the news. I had grown so immensely attached to my little curly-headed girl… I couldn’t imagine her leaving our family; I didn’t even want to imagine it, even though the thought of it haunted me daily.

The next part was getting the paperwork prepared, then arrange a time for us to meet to get the documents signed. The way I understood the law in my state was that a birth father could relinquish his rights in front of a Notary Public ~ but when I contacted my attorney he said that he would have to go in front of a District Court Judge to relinquish. My heart sank with the news! I had told Ava’s birth father (in the letter I had written to him) that he would only have to appear in front of a Notary (he didn’t want to go to court). I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to him, so I did a little research on my own.

I studied the adoption law for my state and the way I understood it the law read that the birth father could relinquish in front of a Notary. I copied and sent that section of law in an e-mail to my attorney. A few days later he wrote back to tell me that I was right; Ava’s birth father was only required to go in front of a Notary! One huge hurdle avoided!

It took a few weeks for my attorney to prepare the paperwork and then he sent me the documents via e-mail. I printed them out and called Ava’s birth father back. When I called him to set up a time to meet he said that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted us to adopt Ava. My heart sank. He said he wanted to talk to someone and then he would call me back in a few hours…. Those few hours drug on for an entire day. I think I fell asleep with the phone in my hand so I wouldn’t miss his call. He finally called me back and said he would meet me to sign the relinquishment! I can't begin to describe how nervous I was waiting for his call and then how ecstatic I was with the news!

We decided to meet in a public place that we were both familiar with (I had no idea what to expect). We arranged to meet at the food court of a local mall. I remember on the way to meet him I was on the phone with my attorney (yes, I was talking and driving….), he said “Camille, you are either insane or a saint, I am not sure which one!" It was such a funny comment coming from my attorney that I still remember exactly where I was on the freeway when he said that to me….weird how those kind of memories stick with you.

Meeting at the food court was another surreal experience. I sat there with four copies of the necessary paperwork waiting for Ava’s birth father to show up (praying he would show). He brought his lunch over and we sat and talked for about a half hour while he ate (again I was so nervous I was sweating clear to my waist… I should seriously do something about my sweating problem!)

There was a bank at the mall so after he ate lunch we went to the bank to get the paperwork signed. Once the paperwork is signed (according to the laws of our state), relinquishment is irrevocable. There was only one Notary at the bank so we had to sit and wait our turn. There was a young boy and his mother ahead of us opening up a new bank account, they were taking forever (more like 45 minutes) and the longer I sat there the more the sweat kept dripping off my elbows, at this point I couldn’t even lift up my arms, it was too embarrassing ~ and I was running out of things to say.

Finally it was our turn. I put the paperwork on the desk and the Notary asked what we were there for… such an odd situation to try and explain. Picture me and my daughter’s birth father together at the bank signing such a life-changing document... unfathomable. The Notary kept fumbling for words - he really couldn’t understand the situation either... he just kept looking at the two of us across the desk from him, sitting their chatting back and forth like old friends.

Ava’s birth father signed the documents (he had read them and was given a copy previously) and I gave him his copy and I took the other three, one for court, one original and one for me. We waved goodbye to each other and he went up the escalator and left. I am still amazed at how much life can change with the signing of a piece of paper, something so small yet so significant.

I practically floated on air to my car. I instantly called my husband to tell him the good news, then I called my attorney… he couldn’t believe how smoothly it all went; he was actually at a loss for words. I called Ruth last, I knew she was waiting for me to call her, but I knew that our conversation would take the longest. She was so relieved that he signed the paperwork.

I couldn’t wait to get home ~ hug and tell the boys the good news, hug Ava and then celebrate! I got in my car to drive home… I stuck my arms out the window and dried off all the sweat (don’t worry, I only put one arm out at a time). I was on cloud nine!

Our Story, Part 36 - The Meeting

The meeting was scheduled for early afternoon. It seemed like the longest morning of my life! I kept reading and revising the letter I made for Ava’s birth father and the rest of the time I paced the floor (literally). I was so scared and worried about what would happen....running all the different scenarios through my head.

I finally got Ava ready and took her over to my friend’s house. I put her car seat in the back of my friend’s little red Honda and buckled her in. I kept telling my friends “call me as soon as you know something, the INSTANT the meeting is over!” I then stood on the front lawn and watched them drive away with my little Ava girl. I kept having these nightmares that it would be the last time I saw her or something drastic like that…

The next two hours were shear torture wondering how things were going (I was prone to imagine the worst). I was basically useless as a human being. I just sat on my couch and tried to read, I had already cleaned my entire house so there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait, willing the phone to ring with any news.

True to their word, the minute they left the meeting my friends called me. Here is my recollection of what they told me:

When they first got there they met with Ava’s birth father and his mother and brother (and his brother’s girlfriend). They commented on how well Ava looked and “how well Ruth had been taking such good care of her.” They said at first everyone acted rather distant and unapproachable…. Then they gave the letter and album to Ava’s birth father. He left the group to go for a walk and to read the letter privately. My friend then gave Ava’s grandmother the picture album that I had been inspired to prepare for her.

A short while later Ava’s birth father came back and asked his mother to read the letter. My friend’s said that after they were finished reading the letter the mood and spirit of the group completely changed and everyone warmed up considerably. All of a sudden they had a million questions for my friends about us, they wanted to know about Ava, they wanted to know what kind of people we were, about her other siblings, if we were religious and everything else they could think of. They looked through the pictures I had given them (of course I gave them the most adorable pictures of Ava when she was happy and smiling), and they commented on how happy she looked.

Ava during the meeting.... sitting on the lap of her grandmother.

They took some pictures of Ava with their Polaroid camera and since a Wal-mart was conveniently located across the street from the McDonald’s, my friends went and made copies for me (I knew I sent the right people for the job, I couldn’t have asked for better advocates! I am so grateful they took the time to do this for me and my family!)

I asked my friends what they remembered of that day and this is what one of them wrote: “I remember being somewhat nervous… what if meeting [Ava’s birth father] didn’t go smooth or peaceful? But to my delight, it did! I can’t remember any of the conversation. Maybe we didn’t talk much. I remember [Ava’s birth father] laying eyes on Ava and I’m sure it was a surreal feeling for him.”

At the end of the meeting Ava’s birth father told my friends that he would consider allowing Ava to be adopted, he just needed a few days to think about it. He said he would call me in the next few days with his answer (I had left my phone number in the letter). My friends said he seemed positive and open to the possibility of allowing Ava to be part of our family….. YEAH! I started jumping around my living room after I got off the phone with my friends. Now I just had a few more days to wait for another phone call... and I had to call Ruth and tell her what happened at the meeting and about my decision to tell Ava's birth father that she was living with us...

Our Story, Part 35 - The Phone Call

The dreaded phone call came in April. Ava’s birth father contacted Ruth and wanted to see Ava (the phone calls were made between their respective attorneys). It is ironic that I answered the phone call in almost the exact same place as I answered the phone call from Valorie four months earlier asking us if we wanted a little girl. After I got off the phone I remember feeling like my chest was on fire, I felt dizzy and I had to go lie down. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Ava and I were the only ones home at the time and she was sleeping when the phone call came in. I went in and checked on her and then I just lay on the couch and cried. I had no idea what I would do if my little girl was taken away from me. I know that sounds selfish because Ruth had allowed her to come to our family… but that is how I felt. Maybe that is partly how Ruth felt when I came to pick her Ava up, I couldn’t even begin to imagine her pain.

A little while later after I composed myself, I called Mykel at work to relay the news, the boys were all at school and we decided that we wouldn’t tell them, they didn’t need to worry.

Ava’s birth father wanted to see her the next day. His mother and brother were going to be in town and wanted to see her as well. To me, this was a bad sign; having more family come and see her would only make them fall in love with her like we did…. And lessen the possibility of them allowing her to be adopted by our family.

Because Ava’s father had no idea that she was in our care, we had to make arrangements for someone to take Ava and meet him. Two of my close friends (who knew Ruth) agreed to take Ava and meet with her birth father’s family. Of all places the designated meeting spot was McDonald’s.

At this point Ruth was still adamant that we not tell Ava’s father that she was with us, but I felt differently. After I received the phone call, I realized I couldn’t just keep waiting, I had to do something. After much prayer and contemplation, I decided to write Ava’s father a letter explaining everything. I felt if we were open and honest with him he would be more receptive to the idea of allowing Ava to become part of our family. I was also inspired to make picture albums for Ava’s birth father and her grandmother that were coming to see her.

I rushed to the store that night and made copies of several pictures I had of her and put together the photo albums. I also agonized over every detail of the message and thoughts I was putting down on paper as I wrote to Ava’s birth father. I basically laid everything on the line with that letter… and now we would just have to wait, again.