The Adoptive Mother

Hard questions

2011-09-27T11:33:00.000-07:00

The other night my 4-year-old daughter was getting on her teenage brother’s nerves. My son made the comment… “can’t we just give her away and let someone else adopt her?” He was completely serious as if it was a viable and available option.

It reminded me of a discussion that he and I had a few years earlier when he asked me if someone else could adopt him. He was worried that if I didn’t want him that I could just give him to someone else. His comment and question really made me think of the numerous questions my children have with regards to placement, adoption, biological parents and their own situation.

I tried my best to explain to my son that, no; I wasn’t going to allow anyone else to adopt him and that he was my son forever. This was a hard question to answer because of course he wondered how he could be placed in our family and adopted and that it couldn’t happen again. He knew his older brother was placed and then taken back and then placed again… such a confusing time!

I think about all these questions and I realize that when my children were young and I was dealing with the day to day struggles of parenting, placement, home studies, etc., I had no idea how/if/when I would have to deal with these inquiries.

I am grateful that we have been very open with our children with regards to their birth parents, their placement in our home and their own individual stories, it has made these discussions easier, but there are still questions that are hard to answer. It is almost weekly that we have talks about their birth mother, their birth father(s) and even their biological uncles, aunts and grandparents. I don’t have all the answers, but quite honestly, what parent does?

I don’t know any other families who are in an open adoption, much less any who have teenagers right now, so here are a few things that have helped me over the last decade:

(If any one has any suggestions/ideas that have worked for them, please feel free to share!)

Validate the question(s), it is okay to have questions.

Reaffirm your love for them as an individual and as your child - Sometimes my children were hesitant to ask me questions about their birth mother because they didn’t want to “hurt my feelings” if they were talking about their “other mom.” I will admit that when my boys were first placed with us, I did feel jealous of their mother, I felt I was being compared on every level with her. I don’t feel that way now; I feel that she and I both have significant and independent roles to play in their lives.

Be honest – I try to answer their questions to the best of my ability, but sometimes I don’t have an answer to their question(s). If they ask a question and want an answer right away, I do my best, but sometimes after I have time to think about their question and my answer, I may go back and tell them that I didn’t answer their question properly. I have told my older boys, “I don’t have a parental instruction manual, I am learning just like they are and I am not always right!”

Love them unconditionally.

So blessed to be a mom!

No one is immune

2011-09-22T12:36:00.000-07:00

A few months ago during a neighborhood social event, I was listening to the chatter of several women who are pregnant. At one point I was sitting next to a woman who had just revealed that she was expecting her third (unplanned) child. She looked across the table and said to me, (paraphrasing) “I wish I could adopt, it would be SO much easier than being pregnant! Besides, you get to keep your figure and look like THAT!”

Me at the end of a hike, contemplating life....

I was so upset that I just sat silently trying not to say anything (counting loudly to 10 in my mind, repeating the mantra my mother had told me “if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all!”)

On my walk home that night and while running on the treadmill the next morning (trying to maintain THAT figure) I thought of all the snappy comments I could’ve said. I really wanted to write her a letter and let her have it!

“We may never know in this life why we face what we do, but we
can feel confident that we can grow from the experience.”

These are a few things I wanted to say (but luckily didn’t):

“I would trade my body for any woman’s (fertile body!) just to have the chance to be able to create a child with my husband and feel my child growing inside of me. "

“Enjoy every little pain that you are having, you are experiencing a miracle!”

“I have this figure because I go to the gym five times a week! Not because I have never had children! You should see my sisters’ who have eight children and maintain amazing figures!”

My cute little Aubrey after her haircut!

I am glad I have had a few months to stew about this because recent events helped soften my once angry outlook.

I realized that every one of us have and will endure different trials; no one is immune to having their feelings hurt, no one is immune to pain.

"Our Heavenly Father, who loves us completely and perfectly, permits us to have
experiences that will allow us to develop the traits and attributes we need to
become more and more Christlike. . . . As we understand this doctrine, we gain
greater assurance of our Father's love."

Sometimes trials make us realize just how lucky we really are.

You never know…

2011-06-09T11:36:00.000-07:00

Yesterday morning something marvelous happened, my son Bryan said, “I love you mom.” We were all in the living room/kitchen area, I was washing dishes, the kids were all playing and talking and out of the blue Bryan said that to me. I replied, “thanks Bry, I love you too,” and “wow, that was random, what made you say that?” Bryan said, “I don’t know, I just felt like saying it.”

If you know Bryan, you know that he is very serious, very spiritual, and a man of few words. He rarely expresses emotion orally. He is very good at showing me that he loves me by his actions (which I love); he is extremely obedient, he helps me all the time without being asked, and in fact he is usually looking for something to do to help me. He talks to me and shares things about his life, he writes me amazing cards and notes and tells me he loves me in writing, but rarely verbally. So yesterday was quite a treat….

Then….
Bryan has wanted to work at my husband’s shop for years, he was just waiting until he was old enough (my husband is a machinist). So Bryan finally got up the courage to ask for a summer job and yesterday was his first day on the job. Bryan can’t drive yet, so I offered to take him to work; he declined. Bryan is also taking two summer online courses and one of them is a fitness class, he figured he could run to work and complete one of his fitness assignments on the way. I was a little worried about him running because there are four stoplights and several busy intersections in the four miles from our house to his work. I told him to please be careful and to call me when he got there.

About a half-hour later I got a text from him; “I just got hit by a car, but I am okay.”
WHAT???? I was so happy that he was okay, but a little freaked out about the accident. I tried to call Bryan but he didn’t answer, I called my husband but he didn’t answer…. Finally my husband sent me a text letting me know that Bryan had made it to the shop and that he was patching him up. After about a half-hour my son finally called to let me know that he had been hit by a car as he was crossing the street at an intersection. The car hit Bryan, knocked him over and then (in Bryan’s words) “the driver looked me in the eye and then drove off.”

Luckily Bryan only sustained some road rash on his neck, arm, shoulder and ankle, he was otherwise unharmed, for which I am extremely grateful. Only one other driver stopped to make sure Bryan was okay, ironically a teenage driver!

Me, Bryan, Amber (Bryan's friend) last week at my nephew's birthday party

I drove over to see him and make sure he was okay. He was a little shook up but otherwise was focused on the first day at his new job. After work Bryan went to his friend’s house until late that evening so I wasn’t able to talk to him until around 9 p.m., about 12 hours after the accident. Here is what Bryan told me, “that accident changed my life. I could have died. My entire life flashed in front of my eyes. My life is going to be different from now on.” He and I talked about how we both felt that he was being watched over and that apparently it wasn’t his time to go. I thought about our talk earlier in the day when he told me he loved me, I thought about how we never know if today may be our last day, or if when we say goodbye to someone it may be the last time we see them. I am so grateful my son felt like expressing how he felt…. I love him!

“I was born to Laugh”

2011-06-06T15:50:00.001-07:00

Yesterday while I was fixing my daughter Ava’s hair, she said to me,

“I was born to laugh.”

I looked at her and she just grinned at me with a huge smile on her face!

Such a true statement! We are all born to laugh! I love my children!

"Advice"

2011-05-19T07:59:00.000-07:00

Over the years I have received several pieces of advice, some good, some bad, and some I need to listen to more often!

Two of the best pieces of advice (for me):
Spend a “night” (each week) with each of your children. This has been the all-time best advice I have ever received. When my three boys were young and all slept in the same room, it was chaos at bedtime. They all wanted my attention, they all had something to say at the same time, and trying to get through a bedtime story was nearly impossible considering their age differences. I was complaining about this one day to an older friend of mine. She suggested I give each of my boys a “night” that I would spend one-on-one time with them. I took this suggestion to heart. It was definitely not easy at the beginning (and sometimes it is still difficult) but being able to spend one-on-one time with my children talking about their concerns and having the chance to tell them individually how much I love them has been miraculous. Several times our talks focused on questions they had about their birth mother or their adoption, they have asked me to tell them about the first time I saw them and how I felt, we talk about school, struggles, or sometimes just go for a drive and get a Slurpee or hot chocolate. I am so glad I took this advice!

Hold your children when you feed them. I was never able to breast feed (for obvious reasons), and most of my children were over 9 months old when they came to live with our family, so my time being able to hold them and feed them was limited. I have loved being able to hold my children, look into their faces, and hold their tiny fingers as they ate. (They grow up soooooo fast!)

Two of the worst pieces of advice (for me):
“Don’t tell your children they are adopted” – I acknowledge that I thought about this option briefly, but it just never seemed right to me. I am the first to admit that having an “open” adoption hasn’t been completely easy, but it has been completely worth it.

“Don’t let your children see their birth mother” – The people that gave this advice to me thought it would be too hard on my children to see their birth mother and be able to “move on” with their lives. Those same people even suggested that it would be easier on their birth mother if she didn’t see them, so she could “move on” with her life. Their birth mother Ruth has told me time and time again that being able to see her children and hear how they are doing has been the best thing for her being able to “move on.” I am so grateful I listened to my own intuition and am able to spend time with Ruth and her family ~ they are a wonderful extension of our family.

Advice I need to heed more often! “Enjoy what you are doing NOW, don’t be worried about what you need to do next.” So often I find myself half-listening to what my children are saying because I am thinking about the load of laundry I need to fold, what I am going to fix for dinner, or some other mundane thing that doesn’t really matter. What REALLY matters is giving my full attention to what matters most, my children *(and husband!)

What is/was the best/worst advice you have ever been given?

Better than Christmas

2011-05-09T11:27:00.000-07:00

Mother’s Day memories over the years conjure up a host of varied memories for me… bitter, excited, sad, thrilled, happy, depressed, joyous ~ for example: the Mother’s Day that Preston went back to his birth mom (one of the hardest days of my life); the Mother’s Day Ruth called and asked me if Bryan could come back and live with us (one of the best days of my life); and Mother’s Day yesterday, receiving homemade cards from my children (one of the best days ever!)

Before I adopted my children, I loathed hearing the sappy, wonderful Mother’s Day posts with mother’s bragging about their children, and what a wonderful day they had etc. etc. etc. I would just go away even more depressed and upset that I wasn’t a part of that “group.” But my experience yesterday was life changing…..

It started with my sons getting up early to make me an amazing feast of pancakes and breakfast burritos! They dished up my plate, and even though I wasn’t really hungry I ate everything they gave me. I was completely overstuffed (but with a smile on my face!)
I then received a card from my oldest son Bryan (15)… He wrote the most remarkable personalized message for me. Here is a little extract: “Thank you for being so loving to all of us and thanks for teaching us how to love. Your example means so much to me and watching you has helped me know what attributes I want to look for in my future spouse.”

He always makes my cards on plain white paper with his own sentiments and sketches… they are worth their weight in gold to me!

My son Bryan was also asked to give a talk during our church services yesterday as a tribute to mothers. He had two weeks to prepare and he asked me if I would tell him about his adoption. He and I talked a lot about it and he told me he wanted to share some of his feelings about coming to live with us (he came to live with us originally at 2 ½ and then again when he was 4 ½). He shared how he naturally and instantly called my husband “dad” and held his hand the first day he lived with us. He mentioned how he felt when he came back to live with us the second time and how he adjusted to calling me “mom.” I had never really heard how he felt or how he really felt about me as his mother until I received his card and heard his talk. The last few months I have struggled with feelings of inadequacy as a mother, especially with regards to my son Bryan. I felt unworthy to even be his mother and that I wasn’t a good enough example for him, so his words of praise and comfort were extra special for me and lifted my spirits immensely. I felt peace. I felt pure joy. I felt the immense importance of being a mother to my children. I felt and feel completely blessed to be their mother.

I also feel saddened that Ruth doesn’t get to experience the complete and utter joy of motherhood. I expressed my feelings to her about this and explained to her how grateful I am that she has allowed me this opportunity to be a mother. In her usual humble fashion, she expressed her gratitude to ME for taking such good care of her children, she thanked ME. She thanked ME! I love you Ruth and your amazing example of selflessness.

My “handsome” son

2011-05-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

Today after I picked up my oldest son Bryan from his Driver’s Education class we were talking about his day at school. He is 15 and very studious… always a mountain of homework every night. He likes several girls and usually gives me the update if he talked to any of them during the day, if they say “hello” to him in the hall, or if he talks to any of them at lunch, etc.

During this conversation he mentioned that one of the girls said he was “handsome” – at this point I wanted to say “yeah, I agree with that, you are handsome like your dad!” Even though Bryan doesn’t have my husband and my genes, I think he does actually LOOK like us. I can’t make that comment about Bryan looking like either my husband or me because he knows genetically he doesn’t (he has let me know before that he doesn’t). He knows he LOOKS like his biological parents (although he has never met his biological father).

It is so hard for me not to say to my children, “you got your nose from your dad!” or “you got your curly hair from me.” I forget all the time that I didn’t actually give birth to them; they are such a part of me. My children do look like their biological families, but several of my friends have told me that they look like me too. Whenever I go to their school to pick any of them up, I usually get a comment from the secretary that goes something like this, “you are Bryan’s mom? Wow, he looks just like you!”

I just smile.

Celebrating Ruth's Birthday with the children

2011-02-02T10:10:00.000-08:00

We invited Ruth up to our house to celebrate her birthday. The kids got her some gift cards and a cute little Christmas decoration.
Ruth also came with us to the Santa Run 5K and helped the kids cheer me on as I ran... don't worry, I gave them my cookies and milk as I ran by!

Ruth with all the kiddos!

Ava and her two moms!

Ava and Aubrey getting ready to go to the Santa Run!

I haven't written anything on this blog for a while because I just didn't have anything to write about. I decided to just post things about my kids as they relate to adoption so they will have an accurate story of their lives.

For the last few nights Ava has been saying to me, "I want to go live with Ruth." I know that option isn't possible, but sometimes it hurts to hear it. I think that was one of my biggest fears, that my children would want to go back and live with their birth mother.

"Sharing" is hard sometimes.

Satan is working on the moms…

2010-09-21T13:38:00.001-07:00

Time to write about something that has been on my mind for a while….

I had one of my close friends call me last night and tell me that her marriage of 18 years is about over. I listened to her reasons and I wasn’t surprised to hear her saying the same things I was saying just a few months before. As I mentioned a little bit in my last post, I haven’t been writing on my blog because I was going through my own “selfish” phase (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, it took stepping back and finding out what was really important to realize that is what it was, me being selfish).

This post is going to be very self-revealing but every one of us has our own trials and weaknesses, so I hope you will stick with me and that someone will benefit from what I have learned (and hopefully not make the same mistake).

Here is my story – a few months ago I got a Facebook note from one of my guy “friends” - It was a guy I haven’t seen since I was 14 (22 years ago). I have a cardinal rule not to chat or e-mail members of the opposite sex (especially if I have ever had a crush on them). I debated writing him back. He had only sent a small note saying that he thought I looked nice in one of my pictures (of course it made me feel good, everyone likes a compliment right?) Well I debated about writing him back for several days, (I knew deep down inside that I shouldn’t) but there was something I had wanted to ask him since the last time I saw him (in 8th grade) so I gave in to temptation, thus breaking my own rule.

We wrote a couple more times (quite innocently at first) and then of course a little more flirtatious. I wasn’t keeping it secret from my husband, I had told him about the first time he wrote me and I even discussed what I wrote to my “friend” but I was still being private. I knew nothing could physically happen between the two of us (he lives in another country) but it felt nice to get showered with attention, especially at a time when my self-esteem was lacking.
Pretty soon I started to notice little things that “bugged” me about my husband, and how “bad” he treated me. I started to question my happiness and everything around me “was I happy just being a mom and wife, was there more for me out there, was I missing out on something, did I need time just for ME?” etc.” I was in the “me” mode, I was only concerned with me (although at the time I didn’t see it that way, I was blaming everyone else for my “unhappiness.”)

I knew I needed to stop writing this guy, but it was almost like an addiction (I needed his attention it seemed). Finally, my husband said to me “you are acting like you did when you left me.” (For those of you who don’t know, my husband and I were separated and ultimately divorced and remarried during the fourth year of our marriage). I was surprised he was so perceptive to how I was feeling; I thought I was acting normal, probably trying to act more “normal” than usual, but he picked up on it.

I finally wrote this guy and told him I couldn’t write him anymore (it was hard to let go, even though I hadn’t even seen him in person and what did he mean to me anyway? NOTHING!)

I am writing about this and exposing my own faults because I have witnessed so many of my peers (women in their thirties, married with children) start feeling like they needed something MORE, needed something else, needed what the world deems as happiness. It may first start with innocent chatting with someone of the opposite sex and pretty soon you “realize” how “unhappy” you are.

“A good woman must constantly resist alluring and deceptive messages from many sources telling her that she is entitled to more time away from her responsibilities and that she deserves a life of greater ease and independence.” Julie B. Beck

So what is the end result of us (women and men) being selfish? Ultimately our children are the ones who suffer. During an especially trying day my son said to me “mom, are you going to run away?” I knew I could never leave my children; I could never hurt them by giving up just because of some selfish reason of me wanting “more.”

After I ended my “relationship” with my friend, I had to find new ways to start loving my husband again, finding even small things that I remembered I used to adore about him. I started focusing my time and energy on him and my children and getting away from the computer. I ultimately quit my job that required me to be on the computer for several hours a day (thus helping suppress my need to go online). The confidence in knowing I have been entrusted with these five beautiful children was enough to help me realize that I didn’t need MORE. I needed to be a MOM.

“It is unfortunately, all too easy to illustrate the confusion and distortion of womanhood in contemporary society. Immodest, immoral, intemperate women jam the airwaves, monopolize magazines and slink across movie screens – all while being celebrated by the world…. I urge you not to look to contemporary culture for your role models and mentors.” M. Russell Ballard

~ GIVING ~

2010-09-19T00:24:00.000-07:00

I feel so blessed to have witnessed so many miracles in my lifetime, and today was no exception. I haven’t been writing my blog for the past few months because I have been going through my own personal crisis (basically selfishness if I am being honest with myself). But tonight I was brought back to reality by witnessing a tremendous selfless act.

I just arrived home after being at the hospital for the past nine hours with one of my dearest and closet friends. She gave birth today to a beautiful baby girl (five weeks early) ~ but she won’t be taking her home, another amazing couple will be taking this tiny infant girl home. My friend is not giving up this baby girl for adoption; she has been a surrogate mother for the past nine months.

I have watched my friend endure morning sickness, extreme headaches, sickness from the extra hormones, untold changes and disruptions in her family life and normal routine and ultimately almost losing her own life so she could help this couple become parents.

I have been able to meet this couple several times over the past year so I was thrilled to be in my friend’s room when they arrived to see their little girl for the first time. The look on their faces, the feeling in the room, and the glow on my best friend’s cheeks and face were indescribable.

I could never thank my children’s birth mother enough for the amazing sacrifices she has made for me. I am so grateful to the many remarkable women in my life and the miracles I witness each day. Life is wonderful!

Family Matters – the resemblance is uncanny!

2010-07-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

I have read many articles and books that suggest that adopted children often wonder who they look like and where they got certain characteristics. I have often wondered myself who my children resemble; their mother or their father’s side and where they got their nice noses, eyes and face shape, etc. I know my children look similar to my husband and I, many if not all people I meet would have no idea that my children are adopted, but I also believe it is important for my children to find out where they got their inherited characteristics.

Ruth and Aubrey sharing a moment looking at pictures

(Aubrey put the beautiful flowers in Ruth's hair)

My son Cole has been writing his biological mother (Ruth) for the past several months and apparently he facilitated meeting Ruth’s brothers and sister (my children’s biological aunt and uncles). I was excited to see them again because it has been over six years since we last met and obviously the children have all changed, Ava was only one and Aubrey wasn't even born at the time of our last meeting. We even met one of their cousins and he was absolutely adorable with Aubrey!

Ava, Ruth and Aubrey

On July 5th we were able to facilitate a meeting - it was an amazing visit! Our time together couldn’t have gone any better. We all met for lunch and then went to meet my children’s (birth) mother Ruth. We sat on the front porch of a house for about three hours and visited, took pictures, laughed and got to know each other better; it was all so comfortable, just like being with family should be.

And you can definitely see where my children get their good looks; they absolutely look like their uncles! I can’t wait for the next visit!

Finding and Meeting (Birth, Real, First) Parents

2010-06-16T18:37:00.000-07:00

Wow, I can’t believe it has been three weeks since I have written anything!

Tonight as I was driving my son to practice he mentioned that one of his friends is also adopted. He said “when he turns 16 he is going to drive around and look for his mom.” I asked my son if he is glad he knows who his birth mother is. He said he couldn’t really say one way or another because he has always known.

This made me think about the people I have met who have placed children and may not know where they are now. Maybe they were promised an “open” adoption and then once the child’s adoption was finalized they were left with nothing (how manipulative and sad!) I thought of my son’s friend who is wondering about his mother…where she is, who she is.

My daughter’s birth father contacted me today and asked if she could call him on the phone. My daughter is seven, but she knows about her birth mother. I don’t know if she understands as much about her birth father because he is the only birth father that I actually have contact with. (She has seen pictures of him and we talk about him, although her other siblings don’t really talk about their birth fathers). Her birth father’s birthday is this weekend, so I will most likely allow her to call him then. I imagine the conversation will be brief, but he (her birth father) said “ I just want to hear her voice.” Such a small request but one that my husband and I will of course allow. He hasn’t seen her since she was an infant although he has talked to her on the phone before. She even sang him a song (You are so Beautiful to Me).

My beautiful Ava girl a few days ago (don't mind the date on the picture, it is wrong!)

So I am wondering if any parents who have placed (is there a better word?) children would be willing to give me some advice on how they would envision meeting their children. I am still trying to locate my sons’ birth father; I know they will want to meet him at some point, although I am unsure how he will react or if he even wonders about them. What do you do in cases where the birth parents don’t want to be contacted? How do you know if they want to be contacted by their children?

Any advice would be appreciated! Thanks!

Weekend at IKEA!

2010-05-25T05:22:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday we were headed to Salt Lake so I decided to ask Ruth if she could meet us for lunch. (She just moved closer to us!) She was available so we made plans to get together at Ikea to shop and have lunch. We arrived first and we were all standing in the lobby looking out the glass windows waiting for her… Ava saw Ruth first and started running to her “Ruth, Ruth!!!” She then proceeded to give her a huge hug! It was a beautiful site. The boys were a little less dramatic, but I think they were happy to see her as well. (Bryan had to work so he wasn’t with us).

I was hoping that Cole would have the chance to talk to Ruth as we walked around the huge store. Ruth pushed Aubrey in the cart and Aubrey was talking her ear off for the first 20 minutes or so, but when she saw me again she wanted me to hold her (I felt bad taking her away from Ruth). We all just wandered around looking at different items, giving each child a chance to talk to Ruth privately if they wished. Ruth and I talked and she told me she didn’t want to have any of the children feel bad or singled out, so she was trying to talk to each of the individually. She did a great job.

Cole was unusually clingy to me most of the time we were together (which really surprised me). After buying a few kitchen items we headed back upstairs to have lunch. Cole sat across the table from Ruth and Ava and Aubrey sat near her as well. Cole finally opened up and started talking to her (nothing too serious, but at least having a conversation). He told me later that it is easier to talk via letters.

After lunch Mykel, Preston, Ava and Aubrey sat on the display couches and watched a movie while Ruth, Cole and I walked around the top floor looking at furniture for another hour or so (which was nice).

Cole and Preston bought Ruth a cinnamon roll to take home with her and Ava and Cole walked Ruth to her car to say goodbye. The kids were all in good spirits as we headed home.

I am so grateful that my children know who Ruth is and that she is willing to meet with them, talk to them, hug them and spend time with them. I think “knowing” her helps my children. On several occasions Ruth has told me that “knowing where her children are and that they are happy” helps her deal with her pain and loss as well. I do have to say that I know all open adoptions aren’t like this. Ruth has been very wonderful about allowing me space to be my children’s mother. Our relationship has evolved over time and changed due to each of our circumstances. I hope that our relationship will continue to grow so that each child can get to know Ruth personally and know what an amazing person she is and the huge sacrifice she made so that we could be a family.

What is NORMAL?

2010-05-19T19:03:00.000-07:00

First of all I would like to thank those of you who have written me e-mails and made positive comments on my blog. I have found so many negative blogs (about adoption) and have been reading so much negative material I was beginning to doubt my abilities as a mother, but my strength is now renewed! Thank you for turning my eyes and heart back to the positive!

As I have been reading the book “The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child” there are several things that I agree with, and then there are several things that make me question whether the actions of my children are the direct result of being adopted or just normal actions of children growing up and finding out who they are. I tend to side with the latter. I took the book (The Primal Wound) back to the library yesterday, I couldn’t read anymore right now – the following is the last quote I typed from the book:

“Adoption, considered by many as merely a concept, is, in fact, a traumatic experience for the adoptee. It begins with the separation from his biological mother and ends with his living with strangers. Most of his life he may have denied or repressed his feelings about his experience, having had no sense that they would be acknowledged or validated. He may, instead, have been made to feel as if he should be grateful for this monumental manipulation of his destiny. Somewhere within him however, he does have feelings about this traumatic experience, and having these feelings does not mean that he is abnormal, sick, or crazy. It means that he is wounded as a result of having suffered a devastating loss and that his feelings about this are legitimate and need to be acknowledged, rather than ignore or challenged.”

Bryan is my oldest son. He was originally placed with our family when he was 2 ½ years old, a few months later his birth mother wanted to parent him so he went back to be with his mother and grandmother and then returned to our family 14 months later when he was almost four.

I don’t know everything about Bryan during his first four years of life but I know that his mother and grandmother took very good care of him. He is the oldest grandchild so I know he was given a lot of attention and love.

Bryan has always been exceptional… exceptionally smart, exceptionally obedient, and an all around exceptionally successful person. Bryan has a phenomenal memory and amazing recall of past events. He is always willing to help me, usually without being asked. (Is this because he is so depressed and deprived from being adopted, as the author of the Primal Wound would have me believe?) I don't think so!

Bryan receiving his Eagle Scout Award last year.

I often wonder, is Bryan's behavior “normal” or is he an exceptional over achiever due to some "unseen wound" that lies within him due to being adopted? Bryan knows he is adopted; we talk about it openly whenever he has a question. He can e-mail his birth mother at any time, call her on the phone, or talk to her on Facebook, if he chooses to do so. A few years ago when Ruth moved he even came with me and helped Ruth move into her new apartment.

When I asked Bryan what he thought about me keeping my blog “open” he responded that he wanted to keep it open. He said talking about adoption with his friends gives him an opportunity to meet new people and share his beliefs. He was very adamant about keeping my blog available for anyone to read.

(Thus it is still open right now).

I just got back from an awards assembly at his junior high school. Bryan was given the “Soaring Eagle” award (his school mascot is the Eagle) – and he had to be nominated by a teacher, I would like to share what his teacher wrote on his nomination form (the words in CAPS were like that on the nomination) – Bryan gave me his permission to share on my blog:

Camille (me) with Bryan holding his awards

“Bryan is an amazing student. It is not easy to skip a grade, but he did. He was too advanced in 7th grade so he became a 9th grader this year when he should have been in 8th grade normally. I LOVE having him in my computer tech class because he desires to learn all he can from me. I ALWAYS have his full attention when I teach – his eyes are always on me and he listens intently, soaking in all the information.

I LOVE the fact that he wants to learn all he can. He chose to sit front and center in the classroom. Whenever I am teaching and his classmates start talking, he is the first one to speak up and tell them to be quiet. Like I said, he wants to learn all he can, not to be held back by his classmates.

Bryan is a top notch student. The sky is the limit with him, nothing holds him back from achieving. He plows through to be a high achiever… can we clone him???

He is kind, helpful, and friendly with his new 9th grade friends, he fits right in with his fellow high value/high achieving students. He does choose his friends wisely. I am so impressed with Bryan.”

My children are as “normal” as any other teenagers I know with similar questions and concerns with regards to growing up. I decided to just keep focusing on the positive – it far outweighs the negative in my life, especially with regards to my children and our family. I believe my children know they are loved; inevitably they will still have questions with regards to their placement with our family, but we will continue to be open and honest as the questions arise.

We have been blessed beyond measure and I acknowledge my Father in Heaven for blessing me so abundantly!

“If she could do that, what about you?”

2010-05-18T08:40:00.000-07:00

I haven’t written for the past week because I have been trying to sort out my own feelings with regards to open adoption (debating on even continuing this blog) and also dealing with issues with my children as they explore their own feelings and try to make sense of being “adopted.”

“Even if the child recognizes that the adoptive mother is not the abandoning
mother, she certainly could become one. After all, if it happened once, it could
happen again. Frederick Stone points out that the question, whether spoken or
unspoken, “Why did my own mother not keep me?” is always followed by the
unexpressed but equally anxious thought, ‘If she could do that, what about
you.’” (The Primal Wound)
A few years ago my son Cole and I were out on a walk and he asked me a very interesting question, he said “can someone else adopt me?” I wasn’t quite sure what he meant but then he said “can you give me to someone else?” We talked about this for quite some time and I tried to make him understand that there was nothing that would make me give him up. But he asked “if I was given up once by my own mother (Ruth), couldn’t that happen again?”

Then a couple of days ago my boys and I were all in the kitchen together, my two younger sons were arguing and I said “you guys have got to stop arguing and try to get along with each other.” Then my oldest son said “maybe you should just adopt them to someone else.” I was so surprised/stunned by his comment; I didn’t even have an answer. I had to leave the room and try and compose myself before I told him "that wasn’t an option" ~ but sometimes the reality of adoption is hard.

“Substitute Mother”

2010-05-11T20:48:00.000-07:00

Tonight was Preston’s night. I bought myself a new cookbook (Deceptively Delicious by Jessica Seinfeld) for Mother’s Day so Preston and I were off to buy all sorts of new ingredients for the recipes…. After two hours of talking, shopping and running errands we finally made it back home. When we pulled into the garage Cole came out to help us unload the groceries. Preston made the comment, “you are the best mom ever!” to which Cole replied “what do you mean, she is our only mom… well except for our birth mom.” Then Preston said to me “well yeah, Ruth is my birth mom, but you are my mother.”

Cole and Preston dressing up for their Valentine's Dance February 2010

I have been reading a book called book “The Primal Wound, Understanding the Adopted Child” by Nancy Verrier (as suggested by Gloria). Surprisingly there are several points and theories that I agree with, but there are other ideas that I don’t agree with based on my own experiences as an adoptive mother. The following is a quote from the chapter titled “The Connection with the Birth Mother.”

“I don’t believe it is possible to sever the tie with the biological
mother and replace her with another primary caregiver, no matter how warm,
caring, and motivated she may be, without psychological consequences for the
child (and the mother). An infant or child can certainly attach to another
caregiver, but the quality of that attachment may be different from that
with the first mother, and bonding may be difficult, or as many adoptees
have told me, impossible.”

And another quote from the chapter titled “Adoption as an Experience”

“Even if the adoptive mother has established a relationship with the birth
mother and aided in the birth of the baby, the baby will recognize her as an
imposter, a substitute for the mother with whom he spent the first nine months
of his life.”

I am not naïve enough to believe that my children will never have questions about their birth mother or long to be with her and spend time with her, we have dealt with those issues from day one. But I also don’t believe that my children can’t love me as their mother. I don’t believe they see me as a “substitute” mother any more than I see my children as “substitute" children.

I thought of it this way ~ as a mother if you have more than one child you know that you can love all of them. My children are all different with their own personalities, quirks, dreams and ideas, but it doesn’t mean that I love one of them less. It is the same with family members. I have four brothers and five sisters and I love all of them, each one has special meaning to me and my life. It is the same with my friends. I have more than one “best” friend, some friends I can share personal and intimate details of my life with, others I see on a more casual basis, but I love each of them for what they mean to me.

I think it can be the same for my children loving more than one mother. I am not trying to “sever the tie with the biological mother and replace her” – I know that is an impossibility, but I don’t believe that my children see me as a “substitute” – they only see me as their mother.

Happy "Mother's" Day!

2010-05-08T23:12:00.000-07:00

"If a mother and father can love more than one child, then certainly a child can love more than one mother or father." Author: Unknown

My friend Tracey has the above quote on her blog and I love it because it is what I believe. I think a real fear of adoptive mothers is that their children will someday grow up and want to go back to their “real” mothers (and then where does that leave us?)

Ava, Bryan, Ruth, Preston and Cole

When my husband and I were first approached with adoption he was in favor a “closed” adoption because his fear was that when our children turned 18 they would find their “real” parents and we would be left in the dust.

When my oldest son Bryan came back to live with us he told his brothers that I was not his “real” mother and that Ruth was their “real” mother. At the time I was very hurt by this, although I knew that he was right. It has taken me time to realize (and be okay with) the fact that I will never by my children’s “real” mother in the sense that I was not the one who carried them in my womb and gave birth to them. I am finally confident enough in myself and who I represent to my children to not feel jealous when my children want to see their “real” mother.
I could never deny them the opportunity to see Ruth, nor deny Ruth the opportunity to see them. Time and life experiences have a way of helping you see things differently, for which I am grateful. I could never imagine the loss that Ruth feels as I am the “mother” who gets to spend every day with my children.

Today was no exception; it was one of those wonderful days as a mother….

* Holding Aubrey as she slept ~ my favorite!
* Boating with my children (sunshine, abundant smiles and laughter)
* Cooking and Eating s’mores with our friends and Ava saying “this was a perfect day.”
* Going to the store with my son and having him share his thoughts and ask for my advice.
* Cole hugging me and telling me he loves me.

*Watching my kids laugh.

Another wonderful evening in our backyard... Mykel and Preston

This afternoon I realized something: my joy comes from being with my children and seeing them happy. These moments I have with my children are so precious, I have to remember to savor them and relish the opportunity I have as their mother, no matter if I am the "real" one or not! :)

What a difference a day makes!

2010-05-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

First of all, WELCOME BACK! Thanks for joining me; I sure hope I didn’t miss sending an invite to anyone!!!

Usually when I have a bad day or am talking to someone who is having a bad say, I say “tomorrow is another day” or “what a difference a day makes” – my own advice has definitely rang true the past few days!

Like I mentioned previously, last week was one of those weeks, I was getting hammered by negativity with regards to my blog; I was reading an array of pessimistic posts and books that made adoptive parents out to be the slated as some of the worst people on the planet and then it happened…

I knew the day would come, I wasn’t ready for it. I thought I was but I wasn’t.

…the day one of my children would ask Ruth “why” – why she had “given them up” and “if she still loved them?”

My son Cole wrote a letter to Ruth last week…My first concern was that his words would be hurtful to Ruth… and then I just prayed she would write him back so he wouldn’t be hurt. Today he received two letters in the mail, both from Ruth. I gave them to him as soon as he got home from school. He ran to his room and shut the door for some privacy. I gave him about 20 minutes and then I decided to knock on his door to make sure he was okay.

He opened the door and I could tell that he was smiling. I smiled back and gave him a hug. He held onto me and cried on my shoulder for a minute and then continued to hug me. He said with a grin, “she answered all of my questions.”

I asked him if sometime in the future I would be allowed to read what she wrote, he said “you can read them right now.” He then said “I think I hurt her.”

I read Ruth’s beautiful words describing to Cole why he was with us and that she still loved him but she didn’t know if he wanted to hear that from her. I am not going to quote what she wrote because it was a personal message to Cole, but suffice it to say that she wrote exactly what he needed to hear. After I read the letters I reassured him that I didn’t think Ruth was hurt.

I am so grateful she took the time to write him back, that she answered his questions, and that she was not offended by his words. Thank you Ruth, you have blessed my life in so many ways!

(Ruth has not asked to be invited to view my blog, I think it is too painful for her right now…)

Open Invitation - Poll

2010-04-30T04:07:00.000-07:00

As many of you know, I have decided to go “private” with my blog. I am leaving it open for a few days so any of you who would like an invite, please e-mail me at camhenrie@gmail.com and I will be happy to add you to the list!

My other option(s) would be:

Change some of the personal information about my children so they wouldn’t be as accessible for the entire world to see (and leave my blog open).

Not worry about what other people think. Hah!

What do you think? Leave a comment and let me know! Thanks!

Privatized ~ Friends make the world go round!

2010-04-29T16:10:00.000-07:00

A few days ago after my “Everyone’s a Critic” Part 2, I received yet another nasty comment from “Gloria…” Oh Gloria. I guess there has to be opposition in all things right? But this time, something she said actually rang true (I told her I would welcome constructive criticism!) She mentioned that I have a lot of private information about my children regarding their relinquishment stories (which I do) – I hadn’t thought about how their story might affect them if some of their peers read it. Their story is “their story” and I really don’t have the right to share it with the entire world - thus my decision to make my blog private. So if you are one of the few people I invited to continue reading this ~Welcome, I am glad you decided to stay!

It has been one of those weeks. I have felt worthless, like I am not a good mom – (I am sure most moms feel like this many times...)

I realized I have been reading too many negative blogs and books (The Primal Wound, as suggested by the negative blogs) about adoption lately. I have been feeling like this horrible person for “taking” these children away from their natural mother and the affect it will have on them and their future. This morning was a low point for me.

Then, my friend Celestia called and said she was bringing me lunch today. She had no idea I was feeling low as I hadn’t discussed how I was feeling with her at all, but somehow she knew to come (THANK YOU!) My sister even called me to see how things were going (she saw on my Facebook page that I was having a bad day) I was happy just hearing her soothing voice (she has one of those amazing radio voices); she has always been such a wonderful example to me!

After we had a delicious lunch (Holy Kolache! and Cinnamon Rolls!) My friend’s husband Tim (who is a Physician’s Assistant) stopped by my house to check on Aubrey because she has been really sick. Tim was adopted at birth so I started talking to him about these books and blogs I had been reading and asked how he felt as an adoptee and if he agreed with what I had read. He said he felt completely opposite (this made my heart soar! There was hope for me as a mother!)

Yeah, I just heard a knock on the door and it was my friend Nicole bringing me some yummy cookies! I am now eating some delicious peanut butter cookies and a cold glass of milk – and I am feeling better already! There is so much good in this world, I have to stop focusing on the bad!

Wow, another knock at my door and Celestia’s girls brought our family dinner! I do have to say that I have some of the best friends, neighbors and family in the world! Thanks for making me smile again!

Then a few minutes later I checked my e-mail to find another wonderful note from my friend Kari.... Heavenly Father is definitely watching over me today!

Thanks to my husband as well… he took the girls on a daddy/daughter date to give me some time to unwind/cry/blog/vent… Thanks honey!

“Everyone’s A Critic” Part 2

2010-04-27T06:00:00.000-07:00

When I meet someone or see someone for the first time I automatically start making assumptions or judgements about that person… I judge them by their appearance, how they look, walk, talk, and interact… I try to discern if they are happy, sad, angry, frustrated or depressed… This is me making a snap judgement about someone within about the first 10 seconds of meeting them or seeing them. I have come to realize over the years that 99% of the time my assumptions are completely wrong. I realize that every person has their story and I have no idea about their past joys, successes or failures and trials, as they have no idea about mine and are probably making their own assumptions and judgements about me at the very same time.

Two years ago I had no idea what a blog even was. I started a family blog because my friend told me it was a good way to “journal” family events. Then I decided to start writing about adoption and the story of my children. After my first week of writing I decided to “Google” about adoption and read other blogs about adoption. WOW! I was amazed at the enormous amount of negativity surrounding adoption. I had no idea so many people are AGAINST adoption! I have read several blogs written by birth mothers and adoptees making adoptive parents out to be these villainous people who snatch babies away from their mothers. I couldn’t understand why they would be so angry that a child was placed with a loving family…. So I read and read some more.

I came to agree with a lot of what they wrote because I tried to see things from their viewpoint, but I don’t agree with everything they write (as I am sure they don’t agree with me). Does that make them wrong and me right? No, it makes us different and like the Arby’s commercial used to say “Different is good.” Their situation is different from mine; I cannot judge or dismiss their feelings just because they are not the same as my own. I can’t go back and change how my children were placed with our family. Looking back, with the knowledge I have now, of course I would change how I acted and reacted in singular situations, but hindsight is like that.

I have received several very negative and biting comments and e-mails from people who have read my blog and don’t agree with me (yes it hurts) but that is okay. For those who have left their name or a way to contact them I have read their blogs and their stories to try and find out where they are coming from. I used to get angry when people would try to tell me how to raise my children because it seemed they were always comparing me to themselves “I never worked when I had small children…” or “my children never did THAT.” It was always “advice” that made me feel like I was not doing a good job as a mother or parent.

I don’t mind criticism, as long as it is constructive criticism. If someone has an idea that would make my life better or a suggestion on how I could improve, I am all for it. I loved when a friend of mine told me about having “nights” with my kids, it has been one of the best pieces of advice I have ever received.

People aren’t always going to agree with the decisions I made in my life and with regards to adoption, but if you have some advice on how I could do something better, I am open to hear it, just don’t criticize the past, I can’t change that now.

I am learning along with everyone else ~ and like my son said “Everyone’s a critic” even me.

“Everyone’s a Critic” Part 1

2010-04-25T08:26:00.000-07:00

My son Preston loves to quote one-liners from movies or TV shows. Granted we haven’t had TV per se for about five years, but we do watch a lot of movies from the library and we own the entire collection of seasons 1-9 of "Full House" (I think that is where he got the above quote).

Earlier this week I was in the kitchen as Preston walked through the front door from school. He sat down in a chair with a huge sigh and said “Everyone’s a critic.” I wasn’t sure what he meant so I said “What do you mean by that?”

Preston at "Toads Fun Center" celebrating his birthday earlier this month

He said, “Girls are mainly critics” – so I said “Okay Preston, you be the critic, what could I do better for you as a mother to make you happy?” Preston thought about it for 10 seconds and said with a little smirk on his face “feed me more.” Then he said, “Actually, I am pretty happy.” So ended that, but I kept thinking about criticism we receive (and give) everyday.

I get the local daily newspaper and in the Saturday Religion Section I found an article titled:

“Most of us come with strengths and weaknesses”

by Chris Karcher. Here is a small excerpt:

Who is bugging you these days? Anybody?
Disregard extremists and radicals such as terrorists, pedophiles and hooligans. Instead, consider your relationships with family, friends and acquaintances.

What bothers you about them? Are they greedy? Disagreeable? Arrogant? Argumentative? Rude? Critical? Controlling? Self-centered? Mean? Insensitive? Impatient? Ah, the list of possibilities is long.

Psychologists say other people’s traits that bug us are likely traits within ourselves we deny or suppress. This is called projection. We project onto other people that which we deny in ourselves.

It’s not always projection particularly if we don’t feel an emotional twinge when observing an attribute in another. But people who get under our skin may be reflecting some of our own personality traits back to us…..

Jesus wanted us to see ourselves for who we are. He taught before we judge others, we should look within ourselves.

It is freeing to acknowledge the truth: we are not perfect, but God loves us anyway.

Bringing the reality of our shortcomings to light makes us more understanding and increases our sense of compassion for others.

More to come...

Les Mis and Love Notes

2010-04-22T04:46:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago Mykel and I took Cole and Ava to see a high school production of Les Miserables. (Mykel and I saw it on Broadway in New York 13 years ago and LOVED it!) I wasn’t sure how Ava would fare because she was already tired, but she was enthralled from the beginning. Every now and then I will hear her humming songs from the play…so last night we downloaded the Les Miserables album from iTunes and put it on my iPod (Ava loves to wear headphones and listen to music).

Ava was in heaven! She couldn’t stop singing the beginning overture and of course her favorite “Master of the House.” We watched a few clips from YouTube but she was a little disappointed because the guy who sang “Master of the House” wasn’t the same guy as the play she watched… and the guy from the high school play was simply amazing!

So this morning when I woke up to do my daily transcription work I found the following note sitting next to the computer:

(I also attached a few notes she has written in the past few weeks).

I can’t wait to hear her singing this morning! I love my little Ava girl!

Thank you Ruth!

2010-04-17T07:51:00.001-07:00

"In the end, the number of prayers we say may contribute to our happiness.

But the number of prayers we answer may be of greater importance."

Dieter F. UchtdorfThank you Ruth for answering my prayers!

A little break... or a long one.

2010-04-15T04:58:00.000-07:00

I get up at 4:30 a.m. and go to the gym/running with my friend for 45 minutes, then I have a few hours of medical transcription work to get done. I wake up my oldest son at 6:20 a.m. to get ready for school, and then my other children get up around 7 a.m. (or sooner).

I baby-sit several children five days of the week and they usually arrive between 7:30-8:00 a.m. and stay until 3:30-4:00 p.m., I don’t like to be on the computer when I have little children to care for.

My children get home from school around 3:45 p.m., and then they need help with homework, getting dinner ready, chores, grocery shopping, appointments, time with family, etc….

I know my children HATE to see me working on the computer because then I can’t give my full attention to them. If I am on the computer while my daughter Aubrey is awake, she is NOT happy.

There are only a few things that I can eliminate from my schedule to allow more time with my children, my computer use is one of those (Aubrey is already awake and wanting my attention as I type this!)

So, I am at a crossroads of whether or not to continue with my blog…. Give me a week and I will see how I feel then. I need to spend some time with my family.

Our Story, Part 50 - "Nights"

2010-04-11T08:37:00.000-07:00

Last Fall my friend Mariel asked me to write a “guest post” on her popular blog “Or So She Says.” I wrote about “nights” with my children, so some of this post is taken from that. After I wrote that post, I started thinking about changing my personal family blog to a blog that dealt with something I deal with every day, being an adoptive parent…. So began my blog “The Adoptive Mother.”

Today is my 50th post with regards to “Our Story.” This will be my last post for that segment and I will start writing about more current issues with regards to open adoption.

When Ruth was pregnant with Ava my boys saw her quite frequently. They accompanied Ruth and I when we went to her doctor appointments, they visited her apartment, made cards and notes for her and saw her on a regular basis. After Ava was born and Ruth decided to parent her we didn't see her for a while. Naturally the boys had a lot of questions about what would happen to their sister and to Ruth. Each night when I would tuck my boys in they would ask me questions about anything and everything. My oldest son Bryan was 7-years-old at the time and he had the most questions. I didn’t know how to answer some of the questions in front of all of the boys because of the differences in age and knowledge about the situation, so a friend of mine suggested that I set aside some time each night with them individually. Thus began a family tradition we call “nights.”

The basic premise of having “nights” means that each child is assigned a night, (Aubrey has Sunday, Ava Monday, Preston Tuesday, Cole Wednesday and Bryan Thursday). After we say family prayers and everyone gets tucked into bed, I spend an extra 15-45 minutes with my child on his/her “night.” At first most of our talks were about Ruth, Bryan wanted to know what was going to happen with Ava, he asked a lot of questions about his first family and what they were doing and how they were doing. Most of this time was spent comforting him and calming his anxiety and fears about separation and adoption in general, but basically just answering the questions he had about what was going to happen in the future, even if that meant saying "I don't know" because honestly I had no idea what was going to happen.

The main idea is just to take time ALONE with each child to talk, listen or both. With my youngest (age 3) we usually just read a few books and it only takes 10-15 minutes, but with my older children, they have a LOT to talk about! I thought maybe as my children got older they wouldn’t be as interested as when they were young, but I was wrong! They already start planning on what we are going to do on their “night” before they even leave for school or a few days before. I have found out things about my children that I never thought they would share…

Here are some ideas of what we do with our time together:

Sit together on the couch and just talk (we do this 90% of the time)
Read together, we usually take turns reading (if your child is old enough to read)
We take funny pictures of each other pulling faces
Sometimes we go to the store if I have errands to run (and get a small treat)
Go to the gas station and get a hot chocolate or drink (I have had some of my best talks with my teenage son while we drive)
Look up fun things on the internet, such as new books or toys they are interested in
Help with homework (if it didn’t get finished earlier)
Play a board game such as chess/checkers
Play a card game
In the summer we like to go outside and lie on the lawn and look at the stars and talk
Create a yummy snack to share (my kids love to cook!)
Around Christmas they help me shop and wrap presents for their siblings
Snuggle on the couch and read the comics

Being committed to doing this night after night and week after week is not easy (but it is definitely worth it!) Sometimes I have no idea what to say, sometimes I just want to get in bed, or go to bed at the same time as my spouse… but I have also designated Friday and Saturday nights as nights with my hubby (so he doesn’t miss out either on alone time either!)

A few weeks ago I was really sick on Thursday (Bryan’s night) so I was in bed hours before everyone else. The next day he mentioned that we missed his night and asked if we could have it the next day. I am so grateful for the time I am able to spend with my children. We don’t always talk about something profound, sometimes we talk about nothing at all, but I want my children to know I am there for them no matter what, especially as they start questioning who they are and ask more profound and probing questions about their past.

When my kids grow up and leave the house… I plan on making their “night” of the week the day when I call them to catch up…and hopefully they will still want to talk!

Another perspective…

2010-04-09T08:23:00.001-07:00

My friend Leslie sent me the following e-mail yesterday. She and her sister Rachel were the two people who took Ava to meet with Tony (see post 36 -"The Meeting"). I am so thankful for the wonderful friends in my life! Thank you Leslie! Like I’ve said before, I knew I was supposed to move to my little house on Jefferson Ave. I met some of the amazing people there who will be lifelong friends… Heavenly Father is definitely watching over us!

"I suppose that if you have stumbled across this blog, and don't personally know Mykel and Camille, this must seem like the most unique adoption story you have ever heard of. In truth, it probably is. However, if you have met them, you know this is who they are. Whether it is Sunday dinner or a movie night, they bring you into their lives and offer true friendship. You are better for having known them. So adoption and welcoming all of these precious little people into their lives, without reservation, is also who they are.

I remember my sister telling me about Ruth being pregnant with a fourth child. Instantly, my heart hoped that Ruth would place the baby with Mykel and Camille and that the baby would be a girl. After 3 active boys, Camille deserved a little nail polish and sun dresses, am I right? Ava becoming part of the family seemed like a painfully slow process but I remember the day she came home. Camille called me and we went over to see the baby. Sweet little Ava looked into all of our faces and I could not help but wonder what she was thinking. Camille let me hold her and change her diaper. This struck me as incredibly generous because she had been waiting for her for so long. Longer then before she knew Ava existed. Ava was so quiet and easy going. I giggled for days thinking of what her life would be like filled with the sounds of a house with brothers. Actual. Biological. Brothers. Even now, recalling that evening fills me with an overwhelming sense of how truly special this family is.

I went with my sister to McDonald's to meet Tony and his mother. Nervous is a huge understatement. I felt terrified. I remember seeing Tony meet Ava and feeling a great deal of empathy for him and his mother. Being a parent, I understand what it feels like to love your child. Knowing Mykel and Camille and the family that awaited Ava, if Tony chose it, filled me with hope and happiness for Ava's future. For Tony to trust that they could take care of her and let her go, to be a part of another family would take a great deal of courage and faith. But it is our very nature as human beings to be selfish, to think of our own wants and needs. That day I remember thinking the greatest gift one can give, is giving someone their child. Could he do it?

After reading Tony's post today I realize the error in my thinking. The greatest gift that one can give isn't giving someone a child. The greatest gift one can give, is giving a child a family."

Letter from a Birth Father

2010-04-06T20:45:00.001-07:00

When I decided to write this blog I wrote Tony (Ava's Birth Father) an e-mail explaining what I wanted to do. I told him if he ever wanted to contribute anything or post anything on my blog I would be happy to share "his side of the story" or how he felt. I received the following e-mail last week ~ used by permission from the author.

(Here are a few pictures of Ava with her birth father Tony. I showed Ava a picture of Tony on my computer and asked her "who is that" and she said "me!" They do look a lot alike!)

I am the biological father of Ava Skye. My name is Tony Padia, I am a Native American from the Northern Ute Tribe. Ava is my only child. I had visited with her a few weeks after her birth.

I also had the opportunity to visit with her and bring my mother Lorna Bear and my little brother Justin with me on this visit. I was very nervous on how things would turn out with the people that had brought Ava to visit me and my family. It turned out that they were very friendly and open to expressing how loving Camille and her husband were to Ava. I was glad to hear they welcomed her into the family with love and kindness. Camille’s friends expressed that Camille wanted to adopt Ava; I was sad for a moment, then my mother explained to me that Ava would understand my love that I have for her to be brought into a home with two loving parents and brothers (biological) that would love her. I was very open to the fact that they would take her as their own child.

About my visit with Ava - I had the opportunity to hold Ava and I realized that I held a responsibility toward baby Ava who I had brought into this world. I remember seeing how beautiful she looked; so small, she had loving eyes, and my nose, with a great complexion.

I love her with all my heart. What stands out the most is how much I love her. I want the best for Ava; I couldn’t offer that for her and knew that she would be well take care of by Camille and her family.

I see Ava now in photos. I am so glad that I was brave in my choice to see her raised in a loving family; I could not take that away from her now or ever. I know that this is the family our Creator has chosen her to be with.

Tony Padia

Our Story, Part 49 - Worth the Wait

2010-04-04T06:16:00.000-07:00

This morning Aubrey woke up early and said “come lay by me.” We snuggled on the couch for a minute and then I carried her into my bedroom and we snuggled in my covers (she is still in there sleeping). She was lying right next to me and smiling, and then she took her little hand and started caressing my face. I just smiled at her and she said “I love you mommy.”

I thought to myself, “You were definitely worth the wait!”

I LOVE being a mom!

Aubrey’s adoption was finalized on April 1, 2008, almost exactly 10 months from the day I picked her up. She was “sealed” to our family a few weeks later in the Ogden Temple. I wanted to share a few pictures of that day, it was one of the very best memories I have with my children and family.

"I have a family here on earth.

They are so good to me.

I want to share my life with them through all eternity.

Families can be together forever

Through Heavenly Father's plan.

I always want to be with my own family,

And the Lord has shown me how I can.

The Lord has shown me how I can."

LDS Children's Songbook, Page 188

All pictures were taken by Nicole Anderson Photography.

Our Story, Part 48 - The Drive

2010-04-03T07:21:00.000-07:00

Even though Aubrey had been with us since June, Ruth or “D” could still legally take her back because they hadn’t relinquished their parental rights. Another court date was set for January 30, 2008, and I hoped that Ruth and “D” would make it. I had been e-mailing Ruth back and forth and asking if she needed any help with her apartment or if she needed a ride. She finally wrote me back (two days before) and asked me if I could give her a ride to the court hearing. We made arrangements via e-mail on what time I would pick her up and where she would be. I knew she had the apartment downtown but she wasn’t staying there at night because she didn’t have a bed, so she said to pick her up at her mother-in-laws house (she and “D” were living there at the time).

The day before the court hearing I got another e-mail asking if I could also pick up “D.” This was so odd to me that I would be the person picking up my children’s birth mother and my daughter’s birth father and driving them to court to relinquish their parental rights.

The court hearing was set for 9 a.m. in Ogden and they lived in Salt Lake (about a 45 minute drive from my house on a good day), so I had to leave early in order to pick them up and get back to Ogden in time for the hearing. I took the girls over to my friend’s house at about 6:45 a.m. so I could get on the road (thank you Nicole for watching them!). There was already a huge snowstorm so I knew I would need extra time. I was late picking Ruth and “D” up because of the snow and all the accidents on the road. When they got in my car, Ruth sat in the front with me and “D” sat in the back (I could tell they were upset that I was late). They didn’t talk to each other during the entire drive (over an hour). I tried to make small talk but then just decided to concentrate on driving, I was too nervous to say much anyway.

I knew we were going to be late (I hate being late to anything!) so I called my attorney (he was at the court house), and he was luckily able to schedule our hearing for an hour later. When we finally arrived I asked them if they wanted me to just wait in the car or go in, they said to come in. Ironically the judge ended up being the same judge that presided over Ava’s adoption two years previous.

Ruth and “D” went in the court room with my attorney and I waited on a bench outside the door. A few minutes later my attorney came out and asked me if I was going to come in. I told him I didn’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. He said "'D' specifically requested that I come inside." I did not expect that!

The court room was basically empty except for our group, the bailiff and the judge. “D” had a back injury so he requested to be able to stand instead of sit. He was standing at the back of the court room and wanted to talk to me. He told me about a few things that he was upset with me about (I just listened and apologized) and then he asked me if I would please send him pictures of Aubrey every few weeks. I told him I would be happy to send him pictures and asked if he had any other requests. He didn’t.

I then watched both he and Ruth go in front of the judge. They had to answer several questions and then they each signed the paperwork that would give their consent allowing us to adopt Aubrey. I was really expecting “D” to speak up and say something when the judge was asking him questions, but he didn’t. It was so quiet in the court room, not even Ruth or “D” spoke to each other.

It had been eight months since Aubrey came to live with us, eight months of wondering if she would be able to stay another day, week or month. I cannot explain the feeling of elation I felt when the paperwork was signed ~ but the emotion was very somber as we left.

Camille (me) with Aubrey yesterday (April 2, 2010).

We had planned on getting something to eat before we left to go to Salt Lake, but “D” said his back was hurting so we just headed back. The entire hearing lasted less than 20 minutes. Again the drive was almost completely silent. When we got closer to Salt Lake, Ruth said she wanted to be dropped off at work, so we went downtown and I dropped her off. It was so odd when she got out of the car, I mean, what do I say?

After Ruth got out of the car “D” got in the front seat. As soon as the door closed and he and I were alone together he started talking my ear off (we still had about a 25 minute drive to his house). He talked the entire way and I learned even more about him, things that I will share with Aubrey when she wants to know more about her birth father.

When I dropped him off at his house, I again was at a loss of what to say other than “goodbye”and “I promise to send pictures.” That sounded so shallow, but I honestly didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t come off sounding wrong, there wasn’t a RIGHT thing to say. I couldn’t imagine how I would feel if the tables were turned.

I drove away in the snowstorm and called Mykel to let him know how everything turned out (I couldn't believe all that had transpired in the last three hours, my emotions were at a bursting point, I wanted to cry, scream and shout with joy all at the same time!)

I rushed back to Ogden to pick up Aubrey and Ava, I couldn't wait to see them and hold them... and I couldn’t wait to tell the boys that Aubrey could stay with us forever!

Our Story, Part 47 - Christmas Eve Dinner with Ruth

2010-04-01T06:37:00.001-07:00

The next time I spoke with Aubrey’s birth father (“D”) was in January. Our attorney had been trying to contact he and Ruth for months to set up a time to go to court, but was unsuccessful. I hadn’t received any feedback from the letter I sent him in September, nor had he tried to contact me or ask for Aubrey to come back and live with them again.

A court date was set for December 18th, 2007, and my attorney tried unsuccessfully to contact Ruth or “D” to offer them a ride to court but neither Ruth nor “D” showed. I had no idea what I would do if they changed their minds again about wanting Aubrey back, I couldn’t let her go. I was still in contact with Ruth and I reminded her of the court date but to no avail, she told me that “she didn’t have a chance to get back with our attorney before the hearing.” I tried not to let the worry seep in, but I was restless about our future with Aubrey nonetheless.

I also knew that Ruth was still looking for her own place to live and on December 23, she told me she had found a place close to her work, yet she hadn’t completely moved in.

The children all wanted to see Ruth so we asked if she would like to meet us for dinner the next day on Christmas Eve. There was a raging snowstorm on our way to Salt Lake but we were determined to meet with Ruth that night. She was working in down town and we planned to meet after she finished work, her choice was to meet at Olive Garden. The restaurant was almost completely empty. As we walked in the front doors another group of people came in directly behind us. There were two pilots and a stewardess from back east staying in Salt Lake for a layover. They asked us “are these ALL you children?” I told them “yes” and we exchanged small-talk for a bit. I really wanted to say “we are meeting our children’s birth mother here tonight” but they were already shocked by the number of children we had so I didn’t want to put them over the edge with that revelation!

Ruth was a little late so we were all seated when she arrived. Dinner was fun and the kids had Ruth laughing quite a bit, she has braces so she would try not to smile with her teeth but then she almost couldn’t help it. I loved to see them all interact with each other, Aubrey was a little shy at first but then she warmed right up at the end and let Ruth hold her and feed her, it was an amazing evening to be a part of. The boys also brought a small Christmas tree for her and decorated it with mini-ornaments; they were so excited to give it to her!

After dinner the boys walked with Ruth and I back to her car while Mykel took the girls to get our vehicle. The snow was really thick and had already covered her windshield and all of her windows. The boys went to work cleaning off her car and loading up the presents and little tree they had brought for her (careful not to lose any of the tiny ornaments). Cole was so concerned about Ruth’s wellbeing so he asked her “are you lonely?” Each of the boys gave her a hug before they got in our van to leave. It was such a touching moment watching them talk, smile and hug each other. I was hoping I could be invisible at that moment so they could just act natural and not worry about me being there.

Ruth had parked a few blocks from the restaurant, so by the time Mykel pulled up behind her car to pick us up we were just finishing our goodbyes. When I got in the car I told Mykel what had just transpired and then I said “how different it is that we get to drive away with her five beautiful children and she is left alone…” my heart just ached for her, here I was sitting in a warm car with my husband, surrounded by my children, going home on Christmas Eve to a nice home filled with food and presents waiting for “Santa to arrive” yet Ruth didn’t even have a bed to sleep in. I wanted to just call her back and take her home with us, but that wasn’t the solution either. I wanted to make everyone happy in this scenario, but that was out of my control.

Our Story, Part 46 - He Wants Her Back

2010-03-30T05:57:00.000-07:00

Mykel loved every second he got to spend with Aubrey. He was able to take her to the ocean and put her toes in the water for the first time during our trip to Mexico. He loved playing with her in the pool and taking her for walks in the stroller. She was so easy to love and get attached to! Even though the initial adjustment was harder for me, after the first few weeks I couldn’t imagine our family without her!

One of the hardest parts for me (and my husband) with the adoption of our children was not having paperwork signed (parental relinquishment) from day one, Aubrey was no exception. On the day I was asked if I wanted to take Aubrey home nothing was put in writing, again my husband and I were basically baby-sitting because her parents could legally take her back at any time. I was always hesitant to answer any phone calls or e-mails from Ruth or her husband, almost expecting them to come get her. I tried to just enjoy every minute I got to spend with her because I never knew if she would be with us the next day~ it was very nerve racking and stressful to say the least!

That is was happened on September 17, 2007 - (three and a half months after Aubrey came to live with us). The following is a copy of the e-mail I received from Ruth and my response to her and her husband – (Aubrey’s name was previously Katelynne, and I deleted Aubrey’s birth father’s name for privacy reasons)

September 17, 2007 - From Ruth to me ~

Hi,
_____ has been making noises in the past about wanting Katelynne back, today he actually told me that he wants her back.
I just wanted to make you aware, I still want to place her. She is so happy with you.
She is doing good under your care.
Thank you. I better go
Ruth

To our Attorney on September 17, 2007, I sent him a copy of the above e-mail and this was his response:

I've been thinking about Ruth and have been a little worried, because of some comments that _____ made when we last spoke. My best advice on this isn't legal advice. They hold the trump card. I think that you are in the best position to assess your relationship with Ruth. I recommend that you think about that, pray mightily, and decide whether you should call her. If you do, some honest points to consider:
--You and Mykel have been constants in the other 4 kids' lives and you have sacrificed to give the kids the best possible life.
--You've been up front and open with Ruth for many years, she should be confident that you'll continue to treat her with dignity and respect.
--Ruth has also sacrificed, because she has governed her decisions on the selfless test of what it best for the kids.
--Right now, Katelynne has 4 devoted siblings. It would be devastating to her sister and brothers, and to her, to tear her away.

Be careful to criticize ______ or question his motives. Ruth is probably doing that on her own.

Call me anytime if you have a question or I can help. For now, I don't know what to do but ride this out.

Mykel and I sent the following e-mail to Ruth the same day:

Ruth,

Thanks for updating us on what is going on. We don't want to fight _____ on this, as Katelynne is his daughter. She is doing wonderful here and I know it would be devastating to Bryan, Cole, Preston and Ava, if she had to go back. We are all so attached to her and she is a big part of our family. She is so happy and she loves all the attention she gets from her brothers and sister.

Mykel and I are both in tears thinking that she will have to leave. We all love her so much and want her to be a part of our family. She is very attached to Mykel and I know it will be extremely difficult for him to see her go (as it will for all of us). Please let us know what your final decision is and what you would like us to do. We don't want to say anything to the children unless we know for sure what you want to do.

We love her very much, but we respect both of your decisions on this, as you are her parents. We know there are no easy answers. Please let us know.

Love, Mykel and Camille Henrie

I also sent the following e-mail to Aubrey’s (Katelynne's) birth father a few days later:

Dear _____,

I wanted to write and express my feelings about Katelynne. I know when we spoke a few months ago out in the storage shed, you mentioned several reasons for wanting to place Katelynne. One of those reasons was financial. Mykel has just accepted a position in Ogden with one of his previous employers that will allow us the finances needed for Katelynne and all of our children to be well taken care of. We also put an offer on a house in Farr West (just North of Ogden) and our offer was accepted today. We will be moving there in about four to five weeks.

Now that we will be closer to Salt Lake, I would be happy to bring Katelynne down to visit when you wish to see her.

Katelynne is so attached to her siblings and they to her, she is very happy here. She laughs, giggles and just wants to be held and loved. She is a good eater and loves to be in the water taking baths making funny faces. It would be devastating to us and our children if their sister was taken away. She is thriving with all the attention from her brothers and sisters and I would love to have her stay and grow up with all of them.

Also when we spoke a few months ago, you mentioned that if you and Ruth got divorced that you would allow us to adopt Katelynne. If you and Ruth don't end up together, it will be much easier to get a divorce if there isn't a child involved. You also won't have a lifelong connection to Ruth if Katelynne is placed.

In short, I wish I could convince you to change your mind about wanting Katelynne back. I will be happy to send you pictures any time you request them and allow you to talk to her or see her. I am not trying to take her away from you, I only want to give her what you yourself told me you wanted her to have; a stable family who loves her and will take care of her.

If you want to talk to me or have any concerns, please feel free to e-mail me or call me. My home phone number is ** and my e-mail is **.

Please let me know what direction you want to go. I don't want to fight with you on this, I know you love her as we do and all of us just want what will be best for Katelynne in the long run.

Sincerely,

Camille Henrie

He never wrote me back or asked for Aubrey (Katelynne) to come back. The next time I spoke with him was when I picked him up to go to court to relinquish his parental rights (four months later).

Our Story, Part 45 - The Faith of a Child

2010-03-28T13:45:00.000-07:00

I had only been gone about five minutes from Ruth's house when I called Mykel (my husband) to tell him that I wasn't traveling home alone! It would be an understatement to say that he was thrilled! We decided not to tell any of the kids and just surprise them in the morning...

Mykel and Aubrey

I had to go to the airport and pick up my sister so I headed up the freeway… I had only been gone about 10 minutes when Aubrey started to cry. I couldn’t reach her from where I was sitting so I had to pull over and get her a bottle and try to find her pacifier. I didn’t know it then but she hates to be in a car seat! I finally made it to pick up my sister and then she drove so I could sit next to Aubrey. It was almost 8 p.m. by the time we got on the road to head home. I realized that I didn’t have any other clothes for Aubrey, I had given away all of the baby girl items that were too small for Ava, so I didn’t even have pajamas for Aubrey to sleep in.

We pulled over at 13th East in Salt Lake and went into a ShopKo store to buy some clothes for her. Aubrey’s onesie was soaking wet and completely filthy and her diaper was dirty again, so it was definitely time for a break. My sister Yvonne and I had a great time shopping for little dresses, shoes, shirts, pants, PJ’s and diapers. Aubrey was content to either sit in the cart or have me hold her. I was grateful for the time I was able to spend with Aubrey beforehand so she was somewhat familiar with me and who I was since I had spent time in her home and with her mom and dad during the past couple of days.

By the time we got on the road to get home it was really late and luckily for me after Aubrey was fed she fell asleep for most of the drive. When I finally arrived at my house after midnight Mykel was waiting up for me. Aubrey was awake after I took her out of her car seat and Mykel wanted to hold her. He told me later that he “immediately felt a bond with her” and that he was “completely attached at first site" (she has been a daddy's girl ever since!) For me it took a little longer to feel the connection, I was so absorbed with worry that she would be taken away from us at any time that I couldn’t let me heart fully open. I was still somewhat guarded with my emotions because of past experiences with my other children being placed with us and then taken away.

We didn’t have a crib for her so we tried to lay her down between us on our bed to sleep. I was exhausted after traveling for over seven hours in the car, standing out in the heat and just the emotional aspect of the entire day. Needless to say I wanted at least a catnap, but Aubrey had other plans, she had already been asleep and now she was fully awake! I don’t blame her for being anxious, she wasn’t in her own bed, she was unfamiliar with our home, with us and everything around her. She would finally sleep for a few minutes and then wake up, sleep, wake up, all night long. It was a lengthy night for me, but Mykel enjoyed all of it, he wanted to just hold her all night anyway.

Aubrey already had him wrapped around her little finger!

The next morning is one of my favorite memories. I could hear some of the kids getting up to get ready for church. I walked in the living room holding Aubrey and my son Preston was sitting on a chair fixing his tie. Now I have to back up a little bit here and give some details on the situation with Preston…. We had been talking to the kids about the possibility that Aubrey could become a member of our family for several months, so each week Preston wanted to “fast and pray that Aubrey could come live with us.” Preston was only nine years old at the time, but he had been fasting every Sunday for the past month. I brought Aubrey in and when Preston saw her he was so excited! I told him that his fasting and prayers had worked and that his little sister was coming to live with us. Then he said “does she get to stay forever?” I told him I wasn’t sure yet because no paperwork had been signed, then he said “then I am going to fast again today.” I tell Preston it was because of his strong faith that Aubrey became part of our family, which I completely believe to be true. He has amazing faith.

That first week with Aubrey was full of fun and excitement for all of us. She is always so energetic and and playful, we call her "the little firecracker!" We had to rearrange rooms, find a crib, buy some more clothes and adjust our schedules to accommodate a new member of the family. We had been planning a vacation to Mexico for about four months and now we had to figure out how we were going to make the trip with a young baby and get permission from her parents and her birth certificate so she could cross the border.

Our Mexico trip was the first hurdle, by the end of summer Ruth wrote me to tell me that her husband “was making a fuss about getting Aubrey back.” I still get sick to my stomach when I read that e-mail.

Our Story, Part 44 - "Take Good Care of Her"

2010-03-26T04:57:00.000-07:00

On Saturday June 2, 2007, I was out grocery shopping with my kids. As I was walking to my car I got a text from Ruth asking me to stop by her house that afternoon. I lived 3 ½ hours away, so it wasn’t just like I could pick up and leave right then and I had already been to her house twice that week, but I knew something was different this time because my knees immediately started shaking when I read the text.

I told her that luckily my sister had to go to Salt Lake City and take her son to the airport that afternoon and I could ride out with her. I took my kids home, told Mykel the news and got ready to go meet with Ruth and her husband. It seemed like the longest drive to get there that day, and since I wasn’t driving and it wasn’t my car, I just had to follow where everyone else was going. We met one of my other sisters in Salt Lake so the cousins could visit for a while, then I finally dropped my sister and her son off at the Salt Lake Airport. I was a few hours late to meet with Ruth and her husband. By the time I got to their house Ruth had already gone to work. I asked her husband if he wanted me to come back later but he invited me in. I could see Aubrey crawling around on the floor and we went and sat on the couch to talk. A few minutes later he asked me if I could go outside to a little storage shed and talk to him.

This is where my crazy imagination started to run wild, I thought “what if he is going to take me out to the shed and kill me; no one knows where I am at…” I laughed at myself for thinking that, but I thought the request was quite odd and I remember watching Oprah once where she said to "listen to your gut when you feel strange about a situation…." Then he said “I want to talk to you outside so my brother doesn’t hear us.” That was a valid reason because I knew that he and Ruth were being kicked out of his brother’s house, so I assumed that was why he wanted to keep our conversation private. This helped shake my heebie-jeebies so I followed him outside (besides, he was carrying Aubrey, so that made me feel a little safer).

It was a VERY hot June day and the air inside the shed was scorching! As I have mentioned before, I always sweat to death when I am nervous, but now I had an excuse to actually be sweating, it was roasting inside the shed (no breeze whatsoever) and I had on a long sleeve shirt and jeans. We were both standing up to talk and he was holding Aubrey for most of the time (she was only dressed in a diaper and a onesie) and she was squirming in his arms and wanting to get down and crawl around.

We talked for well over an hour. I had so many crazy thoughts running through my head but I was trying to focus on every detail of what he was saying and pay close attention to everything he said so I could give an educated answer to his questions. At one point he mentioned that he and Ruth were thinking about placing Aubrey with us in a few months because of financial reasons and because they had no idea where they were going to live. I tried to help him with some options and offered to help them look for a place to live. We kept talking and at the end of the conversation he asked “do you want to take her home today?” I asked him what Ruth thought and he said that she already knew. I then asked him if Ruth wanted to say goodbye to her and he said that she already had. I finally answered him and said “I would love to take her home with me.”

We then went back inside the house (the air conditioning didn’t work but it was much cooler indoors!) He started packing up Aubrey’s bottles, formula and kitchen items and explaining what her schedule was. I tried to act intelligent and ask questions about her care, but mostly I just listened to what he was saying, I was still in shock. I was amazed at how organized he was about all of Aubrey’s bottles, food and her daily schedule (he had all of her bottles sanitized and gave her distilled water with her formula). He was taking extremely good care of her and I could tell she was happy and healthy.

He had some coupon vouchers for more formula, so we decided to go to the store and pick it up. We all got in the car together, he put Aubrey’s car seat in the van and we headed to the store. We walked around the grocery store; I was carrying Aubrey most of the time and I suppose to most people we just looked like a young family out grocery shopping. It is times like these that I remember not to assume or pre-judge people that I see because obviously no one could imagine the true scenario of our being together at the store that day….

By the time we got back to his house Aubrey needed to be changed. I put a new diaper on her but he didn’t offer me any new clothes, so I just put the onesie back on her. We then loaded up all of her stuff (a few diapers, formula and bottles) and he walked me out to my vehicle. He carefully buckled Aubrey in, kissed her goodbye, laid her favorite blanket on her seat and then looked at me and said “take good care of her” – I could tell his voice was cracking and he was having a hard time saying goodbye to her. My emotions were at the surface as well and I tried to hold back my tears, I promised him that I would take good care of her. He watched me back out of the driveway and leave and it was difficult to compose myself as I drove off and left him standing there alone.

Aubrey 2008

Our Story, Part 43 - Not Knowing

2010-03-24T05:40:00.000-07:00

After Aubrey’s birth I was in the “not knowing” stage again. Ruth had mentioned several times that she was thinking about placing Aubrey with our family so I never knew from one day to the next if I would get a phone call asking me to come and pick her up, it was so hard to plan for anything!

Over the ensuing months I would occasionally talk to Ruth via e-mail but sometimes I had no idea what to say or the gall to tell Ruth how I really felt. I was not trying to take her daughter away from her, but knowing that I may eventually get to be Aubrey’s mother and raise her, I wanted to spend as much time as possible with her! My husband’s insurance at the time would cover adoption expenses if a child was placed within 90 days of birth, so I gave Ruth that information in hopes that she and her husband would make a decision one way or the other.

I want to make it clear that if at any time Ruth had said she was not interested in placing Aubrey or had decided to raise her on her own, I would not have kept the topic open for discussion. I had such high hopes that Ruth would be able to raise Aubrey, I knew this was her last chance at being a mother and I knew she regretted having her tubes tied (she told me she regretted it as soon as she had done it).

It was so difficult for me to try and go on with my life as normal, knowing that at any time I may get a call to go and pick up another child. One week I would get an e-mail from Ruth stating that she was unhappy and wanted a divorce and if she got a divorce then she would place the baby with our family. The next week I would get another e-mail saying that she and her husband needed a place to live. It was so hard to try and remain neutral and supportive!

In April 2007, when Aubrey was six months old, I got an e-mail from Ruth stating how unhappy she was in the marriage and that she really needed to leave the situation. I lived several hours away and there was nothing immediate that I could do. By the end of May 2007 Ruth really needed to move from where she was at. I offered to go help her and her husband find an apartment. Mykel and I were taking the kids out to Lagoon (a family amusement part) for the weekend and I told Ruth I would be in town for a few days if she needed any help. I had come to terms with the fact that Aubrey may never be placed with our family and I could live with that, it was having my emotions toyed with that was making me crazy!

On May 29 I got an e-mail from Ruth asking if I could help them find an apartment. I had been looking online and making calls to help them find a place to live but nothing was panning out. Finally I decided to just go out and help them physically look for a place. I drove the three and a half hours to their house and picked them all up, Ruth, her husband and Aubrey (yes, it was a little awkward). We had a few appointments to look at some apartments and made calls as we drove around (the silence was almost deafening in the car...and the small talk was almost nil). There were several places that would work but when they filled out the rental application they were denied because Ruth’s husband had a felony on his record (so depressing because Ruth could qualify on her own but not together). After driving around all day (we did stop for lunch) I finally took them back home because Ruth had to go to work. I stayed and talked with her husband for a long time about their situation (I also got to hold Aubrey).

After a very LONG, emotionally exhausting day I drove another three and a half hours home by myself, (this was my second trip to the city in less than a week). I had no idea by the end of that same week I would be asked to come back, but this time I didn’t leave by myself… my life was about to change in a big way, again!

Open Adoption Blogger Interview Project

2010-03-22T04:51:00.000-07:00

About a month ago I found a blog named “Production Not Reproduction” that has various links relating to adoption. I signed up as an “Open Adoption Blogger.” Heather at PRODUCTION NOT REPRODUCTION hosted an interview project (question/answer session) between bloggers that have experience with adoption or are waiting to adopt.

My partner was Tracey who recently adopted a beautiful baby boy. I have enjoyed reading her posts and her perspective about adoption, she is very positive and has some great insight for those who are thinking about adopting or who have recently adopted... and some great ideas for women and moms in general! A few of my favorites are her Prayer List, and Wordless Wednesdays. Check out her blog, I think you will enjoy it!

QUESTION: What process did you go through to adopt? i.e. adoption agency, private, social worker, friend?
After much searching on the internet, we found a local, small agency that is Christian based. They only have 5 women working there and do about 20 adoptions a year. In the 10 years they have been in business they only had 2 birthmom's change their minds at the last minute. We hit it off with our case worker right away and really liked the home style atmosphere.

QUESTION: How long did you have to wait for a child?
My husband and I were married in July of 2003 and had been trying to have a child ever since. We tried artificial insemination twice. (I had also tried to get pregnant with my first husband using AI and drugs and nothing ever happened. We got married when I was 24 and we were married for 6 years. So, I feel I have been trying for a very long time.) We found out agency in January of 2008, finished all the paperwork and were put in the active pool at the end of June and 6 weeks later we got the call that we had been chosen by a birthmom. No, this is not the norm...we were told we could wait around 18 months, so that is the number I had in my head. We met "K," the birthmom of our son in August, the next week we went to the first ultrasound, and found out we were having a boy. Samuel was born on December 8, 2008. We brought him home 2 days later and everything was finalized with the courts on May 6, 2009.

QUESTION: Did your child’s birth mother choose you and your husband for the baby?
Yes. The agency we worked with has all the couples they work with put together a book about themselves with pictures. We also write autobiographies about ourselves. When the birthmom's come in they are asked what kind of adoptive parents they are looking for and based on what they say, a number of books are shown to them and then the birthmother decides who to meet from those books.

QUESTION: What has been the hardest part of adoption?
The wait and the not knowing were hard at the time, but overall we had a very easy process. Taking Samuel home and knowing that "K" had 48 hours to change her mind was full of anxiety. Having to jump through numerous hoops to "prove" we are good people, when others who can't even put food on the table pop out babies one after the other really bothers me. I wish EVERYONE that wanted to have children had to go though the paperwork, background checks and home visits that we did. We'd have children growing up in much more stable environments and the abuse and neglect would be greatly curbed too. Stupid questions are also annoying.

QUESTION: What has been the best part of adoption?
There are a number of things that I love about adoption. It brings people together that would otherwise never know each other. I am closer to my family now (both sides) then I have ever been. It has made me a better person. I am more patient, honest and faithful then I ever thought possible. Seeing God's hand in all of this (Sam looks just like my husband, has the same birthmark on the back of his neck that I do...etc...) and knowing that this is part of the grand plan. Understanding now that DNA really makes no difference at all. Sam is 100% my son and a child of God and God doesn't make mistakes. I now have proof of that! Richard feels more connected to his birthfamily (even though he has never met them), because of this process. And the #1 best thing about adoption....IT GAVE ME MY BEAUTIFUL BOY!

QUESTION: How comfortable are you with open adoption? Would you like to have more/less interaction with your child’s birth parents/family?
To be totally honest, at the beginning, I HATED the idea, but we were told things would go faster if we would at least be open to it. I had very selfish ideas before this process. I remember thinking..."This is MY baby and no one else is going to tell me how to raise it. It will just confuse the child too much." After training classes, talking to other people and finally just meeting "K" and her family, ALL of my fears and anxiety over it DISAPPEARED. I knew as soon as I met "K" and the family that this was meant to be. God wanted things this way and He took the fear away.

We agreed to 3 meetings with "K" after Sam was born and then pictures and letters 4 times a year until he is 2 years old and then twice a year until he is 18. She also has my cell number, but rarely calls. Last Thanksgiving we offered for her to see him again and the meeting went great. As long as her life and family are stable we want to continue with this every year around his birthday. I do wish we had more contact, but from what I understand it is just too painful right now for her and her family. I am hoping that this will change in the future. We have left things in her hands and told her that she can call any time she wants.

QUESTION: What is your favorite part about being a mom?
The longer I'm a mommy the better it gets. At first, it was just holding that little bundle and knowing that God made me responsible for this precious gift. As the months went by, it was seeing him grow and change and becoming more aware, hearing his cries and knowing I could calm his fears. Now, it's feeling those little hands around me and seeing that smile and knowing it's for me, seeing him get excited over a new success and looking to me for encouragement. I love seeing life through his eyes. Everything is brand new and exciting.

QUESTION: What advice would you give prospective adoptive parents?
* Be patient.....and stay busy, it helps to pass the waiting time.
* Don't get the babies room ready too early; it makes you think about it too much.
* Be totally honest with yourselves about what kind of child you are willing to love and parent. It isn't fair to them or you to agree to something that is out of your capabilities.
* Be prepared for stupid or ignorant questions.
* Don't be too open at first and then regret it later...you can't unring a bell, but you can always offer more later when things have calmed down.
* If you are given the chance, be in the delivery room. I did and it was the most amazing experience of my life. And when Sam asks about the day he was born, I can tell him every single detail.

QUESTION: How do you plan to tell your son about his birth family?
My husband was adopted (closed) also and we want to tell our son, just like his mom told him. Around the age of 5 or 6 he remembers her sitting down with him and telling him that he didn't come from mommy's belly, but from a different lady that loved him a lot, but wanted him to have a better life and so she gave him to them to raise and love. She said it also means you have the same rights, privileges and responsibilities as any other member of this family.

Because of the way his family didn't focus on the adoption, my husband has no negative feelings about it. He honestly feels like an equal and total part of his family. In fact, when we had to write our autobiographies for the agency, he wrote 4 pages about his life and as I was editing it I realized that he failed to mention it at all. He rarely thinks about it, even.

Since our son's adoption is open, I am hoping that with yearly contact with "K" he will know about this a lot sooner and he can ask her, himself, any questions he may have. He'll also be able to meet his birth grandparents on "K's" side too.

Along with my husband, and a cousin being adopted, "K" herself was adopted, so he will have plenty to people to relate to.

QUESTION: What was something you didn’t expect with adoption?
How my feelings would change about everything: from "openness," and actually wanting someone else to be involved, to not even caring and not thinking about that Sam did not come from my body. It used to make me physically pained that I couldn't conceive and bare a child, now I don't even think about it. I also didn't expect it to touch so many lives, bring past friends back into my life and to bring my family closer together.

QUESTION: Would you recommend adoption to others?
DEFINITELY! 100%!!! It was am amazing experience, from start to finish! Even with all the headaches, I would go through it again in a heartbeat

I hope you enjoyed my interview with Tracey and her positive attitude about life and adoption! Thanks to Heather at Production Not Reproduction for allowing me to be a part of this Interview Project!

Our Story, Part 42 - Aubrey is born!

2010-03-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

In October 2006 my younger brother Kelly planned a family get together for Halloween. He and his wife Sandi love Halloween so we all bought tickets to take a “Haunted train ride” up the canyon. Mykel and I took the kids out the day before (it was a 3 hour trip) and we stayed the weekend with some of our friends. While I was there I got the call that Ruth was going to the hospital to have her baby.

I guess I was wrong when I said I didn’t have pictures of me with any of my children at the hospital. The day after Aubrey was born I visited Ruth at the hospital. We weren’t talking about placing the baby at that point (she had alluded to the possibility of placing her, but it wasn’t brought up during our visit). Ruth was married and we were all hoping that things would work out for her and that she would be able to raise her last daughter (she got her tubes tied with the last pregnancy).

When I pulled up to the hospital and found a parking spot my heart was beating out of my chest, I just never knew what to expect or what would happen. My good friend Andrea came with me to the hospital and I decided to take Ava as well (Mykel stayed home with the boys to tend, it was too hard for him to go). We stopped at the hospital gift shop and brought a few presents to give to Ruth and the new baby. Ava wanted Oreo’s and she made a huge mess in Ruth’s room with her cookies! I took my camera so I could get some pictures of Ava with her little sister. I had no idea if they would be able to have a relationship in the future and I wanted to have the pictures to show to Mykel and the boys.

Ava with Aubrey the day after she was born.

I was nervous to hold the baby (but I get nervous holding ANY baby, it is not an easy thing for me to do). Luckily my friend Andrea isn’t shy; she held the baby first and helped Ava hold her. She was so tiny and adorable, I took pictures of her tiny toes... it was unbelievable how she was such a perfect mix of Ruth and her husband! My feelings were mixed, I had been in this position several times before and it was always so painful.

I had so many questions going through my head…could this be my child at some point in the future? How much emotion do I show? Do I act indifferent so I don’t put any pressure on Ruth? How do I show support when I am secretly longing to have this little girl be a part of our family and grow up with her siblings?

We only stayed for about 20 minutes and right before we left I was able to hold Aubrey for the first time.

It would be eight months until I would hold her again.

Our Story, Part 41 - The News

2010-03-18T05:49:00.000-07:00

A few weeks after Ava’s adoption was finalized in August 2004, our little yellow house sold. We had been talking about moving “back home” where Mykel and I grew up to raise the kids, but we weren’t in a hurry.

In 2005 we moved back to where my husband grew up, a tiny little town that doesn’t even have a stop light (we love it there!). A few months before we moved Ruth’s brother, sister and mother were visiting from back East and they stopped by our house to meet Ava and the boys. I was amazed by the resemblance of my oldest son Bryan with Ruth’s brother (his biologic uncle), my son still has hopes he can inherit some of their height!

Ruth and I kept in touch via e-mail, but the visits were quite infrequent at this point, especially now that we moved several hours away. In early 2006 Ruth wrote me to let me know that she had met someone else and was thinking about getting married. I was really happy for her and in my heart I was truly hoping this would be the chance she had dreamt about of being married and raising a family.

In June 2006 I got an e-mail from Ruth telling me she was expecting another girl. I was so happy for her! But in the same e-mail she also said she was unhappy in her marriage.

In August 2006 I met with Ruth and her husband for lunch, I took Ava with me because Ruth hadn’t seen her for over a year. Ava was being so cute and just playing around. It was fun to see them interact together. Ruth took pictures of her in the car with my camera and I took a few pictures of Ruth and her husband. I talked to them about their baby and what they wanted to name her when she was born (she was due in October), how she was feeling, etc. I didn’t take the boys with me because I hadn’t told them that Ruth was expecting and we weren’t sure how to share the news with them yet.

Pictures of Ava that Ruth took on the way home from our lunch meeting.

In September 2006 I got another e-mail from Ruth stating that she was moving back to Missouri to be with her family and have the baby there (without her husband), but within a few days she came back to Utah because the living arrangements didn’t work out. They (Ruth and her husband) were looking for an apartment and I offered to help.

With all of this going on I knew that at some point there may be a chance of us raising another child. I didn’t want to assume anything, but in the back of mind I knew it was a possibility. I just had no idea how things were going to play out or what to plan for because I had no control over the situation…. I could never have imagined how the next few weeks and months would unfold.

"In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back." ~ Charlie Brown

Our Story, Part 40 - Favorite Memories

2010-03-16T05:02:00.000-07:00

"Happiness is not so much in having as sharing. We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.” ~ Norman MacEwan

I almost forgot one of my favorite memories of Ava… As I have mentioned before, there are so many things that were meant to be with regards to my life and the adoption of my children. Two years before Ava was born we bought a little house in the inner city. We had been living in a condo with a tiny yard and we needed a place for the boys to play. I love looking at houses for sale and the internet made it that much easier to browse… I found a little yellow house with white shutters (I love older homes) and it had a HUGE fenced in back yard (exactly what I was looking for). It wasn’t in the ideal location, but the price was right and I was dying to have some room for my boys to play outside. I just KNEW this home was where we were meant to be at the time and I realized later it was because the people we met while we lived there would become lifelong friends. A few posts ago I mentioned my friends who went and took Ava to meet her birth father. Well, those friends were actually sisters, Rachel and Leslie that I met when I lived in my little yellow house.

Ava on the front steps of our little yellow house

One of the hardest things for me about adoption was the planning (or lack thereof). I love to plan things; I like to know what is going to happen far in advance. The one thing I had no control over was when we were going to “have” children. I had no idea that a little girl was in our future after the adoptions of our three boys. I had given all my baby stuff away by the time Ava was even born, and if you have been following this story you know that I had less than an hour to prepare for her arrival (I guess less than that because right after I got the phone call I went and picked her up!). Anyway, my friends knew that I didn’t have anything for a baby, let alone a baby girl.

At this time in our life we were hanging out with some other neighbors that we had met, the Laings. They were a young couple who didn’t have any children so they would come to our house several times a week, sometimes we would watch movies, play with the kids, go play tennis, whatever we could think of, they were a little extension of our family and we had a lot of good times (I miss those days!). One night we decided to go out for dinner with just the adults (which was very rare), so we got a baby-sitter and headed for “The Pantheon.” The whole dinner everyone was acting strange (except me of course)… they kept looking at their watches and checking the time. We finally made it home and everyone was trying to find an excuse for me to go over to our church, and bring Ava with me ~ I finally made it easy for them and just went!

I walked in to an entire room filled with my friends and neighbors patiently waiting for me to arrive for a surprise baby shower! Many of the ladies who attended were over 70 years old and had lived in our neighborhood for a long time (I feel so bad that we were late!). They made Ava several beautiful hand-knitted and crocheted baby quilts, gave me pink girl PJ’s and clothes, gift cards to buy a stroller, and one of my friends had even made a wall hanging with Ava’s name and birth date on it. I cannot express how wonderful it felt to be in a room filled with people who were there to support me and my family. It is one of my most cherished memories. Most of my friends have since moved from that neighborhood, but I know we were all meant to be there at that time to help each other and to meet each other. Thank you!

Before I end this post and move on with the story of my youngest daughter’s adoption, I just wanted to add a few quotes that have come from my children over the years with regards to adoption (and being adopted). I know my children’s birth mother was concerned that they may be having a hard time with being adopted (she and I had lunch yesterday and discussed this a little bit), so I thought I would share some of their thoughts in their own words:

“I love you as much as Jesus loves us.”

“I am glad Ruth did the right thing” – Preston said this when he was five.

“I am so glad that you are my mother and that you adopted me.”

“Heavenly Father must have taken 2000 years to make you such good parents.”

“Thank you for adopting me, I love you.”

“We have the best family ever!”

“If your tummy worked you wouldn’t have had us!”

“Mommy, is love full of surprises?”

“I can’t stop loving you.” –Preston and I were holding hands and walking together.

“I love you mom” – My personal favorite that I get to hear almost every day.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” ~ Albert Einstein

"Something Special"

2010-03-14T08:06:00.000-07:00

The events of this weekend have caused me to do some introspection and self-discovery. My sister-in-law gave birth to a healthy, baby boy early yesterday morning (I haven’t seen him yet, but I can only imagine how adorable he is). When I got the message that he was born I just started crying, not for joy, but because I was filled with overwhelming grief, anger and jealousy, but not happiness. I kept asking myself, why can’t I be happy for them, why do I feel so upset? I am such a horrible person for even feeling this way! I didn’t even want to do anything. I mean, this isn’t the first time someone in my extended family has had a baby (I have over 50 nieces and nephews), but this time I felt I had been kicked in the stomach. I was numb.

My husband knew something was wrong but when he asked I just told him “I am fine.” I left to take my kids to the library and to the store and on the way my youngest daughter fell asleep in the car. I didn’t want to wake her, so I just had my older son go in the store and I stayed in the car with her while she slept. During those few minutes of quiet I had time to reflect on why I was feeling such resentment. I sent a few texts to my husband to tell him how I felt. I told him I didn’t want to see the baby just yet; I wasn’t ready to hear about him. I didn’t want to hear how wonderful it felt to give birth, to hold their son, to hear him cry, to feed him, to have the grandparents there to witness everything, to ooh and awe over every little movement and sound. These were things I had dreamt about for so long, but would never happen for me. I realized what I was feeling was envy and I hated that I felt that way; I truly wanted to be happy for them. I didn’t want to take something away from their life just because I was sad; it wasn’t their fault that I couldn’t experience the miracle of birth. I couldn’t be mad at them, my anger was misdirected, I was angry with myself.

So I just sat in the car and cried and tried to analyze my feelings. I sent my husband a text to tell him why I was feeling so sad and he sent me back the most wonderful words of comfort. I let myself cry for another 20 minutes and then my son came back to the car. He had six dollars that he wanted to spend but when he got back in the car he had only bought four things, two things for his sister, one for his dad, and one for me. Nothing for himself.

The whole reason we had gone to the store was to get a prize for my youngest daughter Aubrey. She has been waking up at night and I promised her a treat if she would sleep all night long (my husband tried this before and it worked wonders). Aubrey kept telling me “I want something special” – so I sent my son Preston in to get “something special” for Aubrey. He didn’t get anything for himself, but he got me “something special.” It was then that I realized how truly selfish I was being. I was only thinking of myself, I was being a brat.

My son helped me realize something that day. He wasn’t thinking about what would make him happy, he was getting “something special” for everyone else, even me. I was so amazed and comforted by his unselfishness and generosity!

As I read other blogs about adoption there are many who criticize God’s role and intervention in our life. I have felt many times over that my children were meant to come to me this way. I don’t know why, but I know they are MINE and this was how I was meant to be a mother. There are so many tiny miracles that have happened along the way to make it possible for Ruth and I to even meet, let alone share the past 12+ years on this journey together as mothers. It is definitely God’s hand directing us along the way.

A few minutes ago my daughter Aubrey woke up and came and found me on the computer. She looked up at me and said “I want something special” (she had slept all night again without waking up). I picked her up and sat her in my lap and just held her for a few minutes (I love that she will cradle in my arms and snuggle with me). She brought me back to reality. In fact, she is still sitting on my lap...

Someone asked me the other day “what was the hardest part of adoption for me?” The hardest part was missing the first days, months and years of each of my children’s lives, not being there when they were born, not holding them as infants, all of those things most get to experience as new parents…. But after I wrote that I realized, I have the rest of my life with them. I get to hold them in the morning when they wake up and just want to be held. I get to talk to them about school and their friends. I get to be there and comfort them when they get hurt. I get to be a mom. I thank my Heavenly Father every day for allowing me the opportunity to be a mother; I know it was part of his plan for me. I know He is very aware of my thoughts and feelings, my hurt and sadness. Without pain you can never fully experience joy – which is what I am experiencing right now. Joy. God offers us blessings through adversity ~ and I have truly been blessed with “something special” in my life, my children.

Our Story, Part 39 - Post Placement Study and Finalization

2010-03-12T08:33:00.000-08:00

Home Study: A home study is sometimes called an "adoption study," and is a written report containing the findings of the social worker who has met on several occasions with the prospective adoptive parents, has visited their home, and who has investigated the health, medical, criminal, family and home background of the adoptive parents. The purpose of the home study is to help the court determine whether the adoptive parents are qualified to adopt a child, based on the criteria that have been established by state law. Credit (Adoption.com)

Even though we had two previous home studies performed with the adoption of our three boys, I had never requested a copy of the final report. I decided to ask for one with Ava’s home study. Here is a small excerpt written by our social worker:

"Status of Placement:
The Henries reported to me that the birth father completed the relinquishment of his parental rights on May 21, 2004 before a Notary Public to accomplish this termination. A copy of his relinquishment is included in the adoptive file. The birth mother relinquished her rights on May 27, 2004. She had an attorney help her do this.

The Henries were relieved to know that both the birth father and mother have stepped forward to do this. The Henries have not put any pressure on the birth parents to make their decision. In fact, the Henries have been very open with both birth parents regarding Ava being placed in their home and have reported how she is developing.

Adjustment of Children in the Home:
By reports from both Mr. and Mrs. Henrie they have not experienced any problems with Ava being placed in their home. Actually, the placement has gone exceptionally well for both the parents and the children. The Henries further report that the three boys, Bryan, Cole and Preston 'simply adore' their little sister. They spend much of their waking hours playing with her and ensure she is taken care of the best way they know how. Of course this is under the guidance of the parents.

When I visited the family today they were having a picnic in their back yard with some neighbors. The children were all playing with each other and their friends. Ava was actively involved with others. She is now walking on her own and has been since the first part of June. I observed all of the children interacting with each other for a good part of an hour. During this time I saw how well they played together and how the boys would attend to their sister on many occasions. Ava even began to interact with me by bringing a toy or food item to share with me. I believe this indicates how comfortable she feels and the trust she has with someone else besides family members.

Recommendations:
Therefore, it is my recommendation that the placement of Ava continue as she now feels this is her home. The bonding between all family members with Ava is very strong. Mr. and Mrs. Henrie see Ava as though she is their own biological child. This adoption worker would further recommend that there is no better home for Ava than where she is currently placed."

This is just a small excerpt as the entire "Post-Placement Adoption Report" is over 30 pages long.

Ava’s adoption was finalized on August 17, 2004, when she was a year and a half old. We went in front of a female judge this time and the experience was quite different. We were the only ones in the courtroom besides the judge, the bailiff and our attorney. While our attorney addressed the judge I was trying desperately to keep the boys quiet. They wanted to keep bouncing up and down on fold-away seats. I don’t know why I stressed so much about keeping them quiet. I guess in the back of my head I was thinking “the judge is probably going to wonder about my parenting abilities to take care of this little girl if I can’t take care of my other children!”

The entire procedure probably took about 15-20 minutes. After we signed the paperwork stating that Ava “shall be regarded and treated in all respects as their natural and lawful child,” Cole wanted to run up and give the judge a hug and tell her “thank you" (I did too). The bailiff reacted quickly to a little boy running up to the front of the courtroom and tried to stop him, but then I explained what he wanted to do. The judge was very gracious about letting my other children hug her and tell her “thank you for allowing their little sister to be a part of our family.” The boys were so excited when we were finished and the paperwork was signed; they knew that Ava couldn’t be taken away from us now!

It is weird how things can change with the signing of the adoption decree. It was like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I had been so worried about my little Ava having to leave our family and now I knew that “legally” she was my little girl. I couldn't stop smiling and hugging and kissing her soft little cheeks!

When people ask me about my children and I try to tell them a little bit of the story, there is always one inevitable question? Why did their mother keep having children?

Ruth and Ava

That answer to that question is not my story to tell. Throughout the telling of “Our Story” on my blog, I have to leave out many details and background of the people involved. There are many other sequences of events that were going on behind the scenes that I am not at liberty to divulge. These “details” may give readers more insight as to why Ruth relinquished her children, but that is her narrative, not mine.

I cannot fault Ruth for wanting to have more children. I am so glad she did, I could never thank her enough for allowing me the opportunity to be a mother and to raise these wonderful children. I have nothing but love and respect for her and the hard choices she has had to make in her life. I love being a mother and I know that it has only been through Ruth that I have been given this chance. Thank you is not enough!

Just a few random thoughts today before I move on….

2010-03-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

I have been talking with Ava’s birth father and he would like to contribute his side of the story, but he is really busy with finals right now so I will add his insight at a later date!

As I have been reading through other adoption blogs I have been amazed at the negativity surrounding adoption and how many people are AGAINST adoption. I guess I must have been living in a bubble but I had no idea of these other perspectives (I hadn’t even thought about it from their point of view). It doesn’t change how I feel about adoption, I have had a very positive experience for the most part, but it has really helped me understand how my children might be feeling or what they may feel in the future. I have honestly learned a lot (I wish these blogs were around 10 years ago!)

Back to my story… anyway on the day Ava’s adoption was finalized my attorney drove up to Ogden from Salt Lake City (about a 30-45 minute drive). We met at a bank because we had to have a few papers notarized before we went into court. This was the first time that we had even met with our attorney during Ava’s adoption. I hadn’t paid him a dime up until that point (and he hadn’t asked for anything either). I had just graduated from college and my parents had given me $50 and that was all I had to spare at the time. I gave him the $50 that I had and that was it. When we went into court later that morning and he had to tell the judge what our adoption costs were (for his portion), he said $50 and I think the judge about fainted. I only mention this because so many adoption blogs talk about how they hate how people profit monetarily from adoption. I just want to make it clear that my attorney was not doing this for the money. He took time off of his own job to be at court that day with us. He took our phone calls and gave us advice when we needed it and basically did Ava’s adoption for free. I laugh about this now because the following year I was audited by the IRS the because our adoption expenses were so low…. Go figure!

The story of my youngest daughter Aubrey is quite complex and almost unbelievable; again I am at a loss on where to begin. I am going to take a day or so to get my thoughts together and figure out how to begin with “the rest of the story.”

Our Story, Part 38 - “Enjoy the Journey"

2010-03-08T07:22:00.001-08:00

"A merry heart doeth good like a medicine; but a broken spirit drieth the bones.”

– Proverbs 17.23

Ava with her grandpa - Summer 2004

The spring and summer of 2004 was an amazing test of my faith. At times it seemed like the weight of the world was on my shoulders, I was exhausted everyday with stress and worry that Ava would be taken away from us, but we also enjoyed many precious days together and created wonderful memories as a family. Ava was with our family for 8 ½ months before her adoption was finalized. For those 8 ½ months she wasn’t really “ours.” I know I will get criticism for saying that because some people feel she wasn’t really “ours” in the first place, but she was placed in our home, not by us begging for a child but because her mother felt it was the best place for her to be. When we were finally able to meet with Ava’s birth father he also agreed with her being in our home. I found a line from another adoption blog that I think applies to our situation “adoption is not designed to find babies for people who want them, but rather, to provide homes for children who need a home.”

Camping at Yellowstone in the Spring of 2004

Looking back now I can see how so many people were placed in our path to help us along. Many times I was inspired to make a phone call, write a note or ask a certain question and my life was blessed by listening to those promptings. I am so grateful for the power of prayer and for a Heavenly Father who knows my strengths and weaknesses and is aware of what I am capable of.

Together at an amusement park (I love how Cole and Preston can't let go of Ava).

I am still friends with Ava’s birth father. I share pictures of Ava with him, he has sent her presents for Christmas and writes notes to her via e-mail (all of which I keep for her to read as she gets older and understands more). I am sharing my experience with open adoption with hopes that others will realize that open adoption can and does work. It may not be appropriate in all situations and it is definitely not easy ~ most things in life that are worth anything are not easy while you are going through them, but adversity shapes our lives and makes us who we are and who we will become.

Graduation Day (finally!) with Mykel and Ava!
"Throughout our lives, we must deal with change. Some changes are welcome; some are not. There are changes in our lives which are sudden, such as the unexpected passing of a loved one, an unforeseen illness, the loss of a possession we treasure. But most of the changes take place subtly and slowly.
Day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. The lives of all of us, of course, go through similar alterations and changes. The difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. Time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching come the changes.

This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. I plead with you not to let those most important things pass you by as you plan for that illusive and nonexistent future when you will have time to do all that you want to do. Instead, find joy in the journey—now.

Let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. One day each of us will run out of tomorrows. " Thomas S. Monson
Credit: http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?hideNav=1&locale=0&sourceId=92764bb52a73d110VgnVCM100000176f620a____&vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD

I had to stop stressing about things I had no control over and instead “find joy in the journey” and oh what a journey it has been!

"On Being" - By Valorie

2010-03-07T09:06:00.000-08:00

This poem was written by my children's birth grandmother in 1999 after Bryan came to live with us. She has given me permission to share.

ON BEING

Has it been this long since I took pen to make in here some poem?
Has life itself been so heavy that I couldn't take time to share?
Is moving and sorting through the treasures life has stored in drawers
The thing it takes to open hearts to sit and ponder past?

Is losing loved ones what we need to open up our hearts
to deeper understanding of the meaning of our lives on earth?
Do we have to give up all our yesterdays to make someone else's tomorrows?
Does God expect us to ever understand the sacrifice of His Son?
Do we have to sacrifice those we love to come close to understanding?

I hope I will understand...

by: Valorie 1999

Our Story, Part 37 - Not Your Typical Day at the Mall

2010-03-05T20:45:00.001-08:00

The next part of this story is so amazing to me, even looking back now I can’t believe how things turned out. I have been blessed with so many miracles in my life!

Ava’s birth father called me as promised two days later…. I still remember how nervous I was to talk to him; I kept pacing around my living room while I tried to talk on the phone. I was surprised at how well he and I were able to talk about the situation at hand. He was very open about what he wanted for Ava and what his expectations were. I think we talked for almost an hour (I was sweating profusely the whole time) but by the end of the phone call he said that he would consent to allow us to adopt Ava! My heart literally felt like it would burst with joy at the news. I had grown so immensely attached to my little curly-headed girl… I couldn’t imagine her leaving our family; I didn’t even want to imagine it, even though the thought of it haunted me daily.

The next part was getting the paperwork prepared, then arrange a time for us to meet to get the documents signed. The way I understood the law in my state was that a birth father could relinquish his rights in front of a Notary Public ~ but when I contacted my attorney he said that he would have to go in front of a District Court Judge to relinquish. My heart sank with the news! I had told Ava’s birth father (in the letter I had written to him) that he would only have to appear in front of a Notary (he didn’t want to go to court). I didn’t know how I was going to break the news to him, so I did a little research on my own.

I studied the adoption law for my state and the way I understood it the law read that the birth father could relinquish in front of a Notary. I copied and sent that section of law in an e-mail to my attorney. A few days later he wrote back to tell me that I was right; Ava’s birth father was only required to go in front of a Notary! One huge hurdle avoided!

It took a few weeks for my attorney to prepare the paperwork and then he sent me the documents via e-mail. I printed them out and called Ava’s birth father back. When I called him to set up a time to meet he said that he wasn’t sure if he still wanted us to adopt Ava. My heart sank. He said he wanted to talk to someone and then he would call me back in a few hours…. Those few hours drug on for an entire day. I think I fell asleep with the phone in my hand so I wouldn’t miss his call. He finally called me back and said he would meet me to sign the relinquishment! I can't begin to describe how nervous I was waiting for his call and then how ecstatic I was with the news!

We decided to meet in a public place that we were both familiar with (I had no idea what to expect). We arranged to meet at the food court of a local mall. I remember on the way to meet him I was on the phone with my attorney (yes, I was talking and driving….), he said “Camille, you are either insane or a saint, I am not sure which one!" It was such a funny comment coming from my attorney that I still remember exactly where I was on the freeway when he said that to me….weird how those kind of memories stick with you.

Meeting at the food court was another surreal experience. I sat there with four copies of the necessary paperwork waiting for Ava’s birth father to show up (praying he would show). He brought his lunch over and we sat and talked for about a half hour while he ate (again I was so nervous I was sweating clear to my waist… I should seriously do something about my sweating problem!)

There was a bank at the mall so after he ate lunch we went to the bank to get the paperwork signed. Once the paperwork is signed (according to the laws of our state), relinquishment is irrevocable. There was only one Notary at the bank so we had to sit and wait our turn. There was a young boy and his mother ahead of us opening up a new bank account, they were taking forever (more like 45 minutes) and the longer I sat there the more the sweat kept dripping off my elbows, at this point I couldn’t even lift up my arms, it was too embarrassing ~ and I was running out of things to say.

Finally it was our turn. I put the paperwork on the desk and the Notary asked what we were there for… such an odd situation to try and explain. Picture me and my daughter’s birth father together at the bank signing such a life-changing document... unfathomable. The Notary kept fumbling for words - he really couldn’t understand the situation either... he just kept looking at the two of us across the desk from him, sitting their chatting back and forth like old friends.

Ava’s birth father signed the documents (he had read them and was given a copy previously) and I gave him his copy and I took the other three, one for court, one original and one for me. We waved goodbye to each other and he went up the escalator and left. I am still amazed at how much life can change with the signing of a piece of paper, something so small yet so significant.

I practically floated on air to my car. I instantly called my husband to tell him the good news, then I called my attorney… he couldn’t believe how smoothly it all went; he was actually at a loss for words. I called Ruth last, I knew she was waiting for me to call her, but I knew that our conversation would take the longest. She was so relieved that he signed the paperwork.

I couldn’t wait to get home ~ hug and tell the boys the good news, hug Ava and then celebrate! I got in my car to drive home… I stuck my arms out the window and dried off all the sweat (don’t worry, I only put one arm out at a time). I was on cloud nine!

Our Story, Part 36 - The Meeting

2010-03-04T04:14:00.000-08:00

The meeting was scheduled for early afternoon. It seemed like the longest morning of my life! I kept reading and revising the letter I made for Ava’s birth father and the rest of the time I paced the floor (literally). I was so scared and worried about what would happen....running all the different scenarios through my head.

I finally got Ava ready and took her over to my friend’s house. I put her car seat in the back of my friend’s little red Honda and buckled her in. I kept telling my friends “call me as soon as you know something, the INSTANT the meeting is over!” I then stood on the front lawn and watched them drive away with my little Ava girl. I kept having these nightmares that it would be the last time I saw her or something drastic like that…

The next two hours were shear torture wondering how things were going (I was prone to imagine the worst). I was basically useless as a human being. I just sat on my couch and tried to read, I had already cleaned my entire house so there was nothing for me to do but sit and wait, willing the phone to ring with any news.

True to their word, the minute they left the meeting my friends called me. Here is my recollection of what they told me:

When they first got there they met with Ava’s birth father and his mother and brother (and his brother’s girlfriend). They commented on how well Ava looked and “how well Ruth had been taking such good care of her.” They said at first everyone acted rather distant and unapproachable…. Then they gave the letter and album to Ava’s birth father. He left the group to go for a walk and to read the letter privately. My friend then gave Ava’s grandmother the picture album that I had been inspired to prepare for her.

A short while later Ava’s birth father came back and asked his mother to read the letter. My friend’s said that after they were finished reading the letter the mood and spirit of the group completely changed and everyone warmed up considerably. All of a sudden they had a million questions for my friends about us, they wanted to know about Ava, they wanted to know what kind of people we were, about her other siblings, if we were religious and everything else they could think of. They looked through the pictures I had given them (of course I gave them the most adorable pictures of Ava when she was happy and smiling), and they commented on how happy she looked.

Ava during the meeting.... sitting on the lap of her grandmother.

They took some pictures of Ava with their Polaroid camera and since a Wal-mart was conveniently located across the street from the McDonald’s, my friends went and made copies for me (I knew I sent the right people for the job, I couldn’t have asked for better advocates! I am so grateful they took the time to do this for me and my family!)

I asked my friends what they remembered of that day and this is what one of them wrote: “I remember being somewhat nervous… what if meeting [Ava’s birth father] didn’t go smooth or peaceful? But to my delight, it did! I can’t remember any of the conversation. Maybe we didn’t talk much. I remember [Ava’s birth father] laying eyes on Ava and I’m sure it was a surreal feeling for him.”

At the end of the meeting Ava’s birth father told my friends that he would consider allowing Ava to be adopted, he just needed a few days to think about it. He said he would call me in the next few days with his answer (I had left my phone number in the letter). My friends said he seemed positive and open to the possibility of allowing Ava to be part of our family….. YEAH! I started jumping around my living room after I got off the phone with my friends. Now I just had a few more days to wait for another phone call... and I had to call Ruth and tell her what happened at the meeting and about my decision to tell Ava's birth father that she was living with us...

Our Story, Part 35 - The Phone Call

2010-03-02T07:42:00.001-08:00

The dreaded phone call came in April. Ava’s birth father contacted Ruth and wanted to see Ava (the phone calls were made between their respective attorneys). It is ironic that I answered the phone call in almost the exact same place as I answered the phone call from Valorie four months earlier asking us if we wanted a little girl. After I got off the phone I remember feeling like my chest was on fire, I felt dizzy and I had to go lie down. I felt like the whole world was crashing down around me and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

Ava and I were the only ones home at the time and she was sleeping when the phone call came in. I went in and checked on her and then I just lay on the couch and cried. I had no idea what I would do if my little girl was taken away from me. I know that sounds selfish because Ruth had allowed her to come to our family… but that is how I felt. Maybe that is partly how Ruth felt when I came to pick her Ava up, I couldn’t even begin to imagine her pain.

A little while later after I composed myself, I called Mykel at work to relay the news, the boys were all at school and we decided that we wouldn’t tell them, they didn’t need to worry.

Ava’s birth father wanted to see her the next day. His mother and brother were going to be in town and wanted to see her as well. To me, this was a bad sign; having more family come and see her would only make them fall in love with her like we did…. And lessen the possibility of them allowing her to be adopted by our family.

Because Ava’s father had no idea that she was in our care, we had to make arrangements for someone to take Ava and meet him. Two of my close friends (who knew Ruth) agreed to take Ava and meet with her birth father’s family. Of all places the designated meeting spot was McDonald’s.

At this point Ruth was still adamant that we not tell Ava’s father that she was with us, but I felt differently. After I received the phone call, I realized I couldn’t just keep waiting, I had to do something. After much prayer and contemplation, I decided to write Ava’s father a letter explaining everything. I felt if we were open and honest with him he would be more receptive to the idea of allowing Ava to become part of our family. I was also inspired to make picture albums for Ava’s birth father and her grandmother that were coming to see her.

I rushed to the store that night and made copies of several pictures I had of her and put together the photo albums. I also agonized over every detail of the message and thoughts I was putting down on paper as I wrote to Ava’s birth father. I basically laid everything on the line with that letter… and now we would just have to wait, again.

Our Story, Part 34 - The Waiting Game

2010-02-28T06:23:00.001-08:00

When I arrived at my sister-in-law's with Ava on New Year’s Eve the boys were downstairs watching a movie. They were so ecstatic when they finally realized who I was holding in my arms! The first question was “do we get to keep her?” That was the one question I didn't have an answer for because I couldn’t honestly tell them “yes.”

Ruth still didn’t want us contacting Ava’s father. Our only other option to hope for relinquishment was to wait it out. Our attorney advised us to not do anything. We had to wait until Ava was at least a year old and see if her birth father contacted Ruth for visitation. After at least one year if he hadn’t called or asked for visitation we could base the reason for relinquishment partly on abandonment. We had two months until her first birthday.

Mykel painting Ava's fingernails

I tried to go on with my day-to-day living knowing at any time we could receive a phone call that would take Ava away from our family (darn those life changing phone calls!) I did all I could do on my end to be as prepared as possible. Because of Ava’s ethnicity, I had to find out if she qualified under the “Indian Child Welfare Act” (ICWA) and if she was an official part of the tribe her father belonged to. I spent several days making phone calls and researching ICWA and what it entailed. I knew that if Ava fell under ICWA, our attorney wouldn’t even touch the case because of the complexity of it all (she would be placed with a family in that tribe first before anyone else) which is exactly what Ruth didn’t want to happen. I finally made some headway and got the answer I needed, she didn’t qualify! We were one step further to having Ava be a permanent part of our family!

Next I had to figure out what to do with my schedule. I was still working full-time, but mostly from home. I only had to go to the office one day a week, which I usually did when Mykel was home with the boys. They were all in school during the day so that is when I attended class; I only had two semesters left before I finished my bachelor’s degree. I really just wanted to quit school and work at that point. My job paid for my tuition, but I had to come up with the money first and then after I received my grades and turned in the necessary paperwork I could be reimbursed. I had no idea what I was going to do for tuition because we had spent most of the money getting what we needed for Ava.

Then my brother-in-law Teryn called me the very day I needed to register for school. We would call each other randomly to check in (we are the same age, graduated from high school together and were still close friends). I told him my dilemma and asked him what he thought I should do (he always gave good advice!) His question to me was “is it only money that is holding you back from finishing school?” I told him that was part of the reason and he said “what is your account information, I will send you the $1000 that you need for tuition.” I knew I couldn’t quit then! He was always doing things like that to help other people. I am happy to say I was able to pay him back at the end of the semester!

I think this part of the story is even more meaningful to me because it has been almost two years since my brother-in-law Teryn passed away. I am having a hard time writing any of this because of each time I think of this moment in time my mind is filled with memories of him; his laugh, his generosity and our friendship. I wouldn’t have made it through this period of my life without him and his support of my family. Thank you Teryn, I miss you!

Stopping at Teryn's on our way to St. George (Teryn is on the left)

I plodded along with school and work and somehow the arrangement with a new baby worked. At the end of February we celebrated Ava's first birthday (one milestone down without a phone call). We hadn’t heard anything from Ava’s birth father and Ruth still didn’t want us to contact him. We just had to wait and hope.

Our Story, Part 33 - Ava

2010-02-26T05:45:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have those moments that feel surreal, like you are watching yourself from another vantage point? The rest of New Year’s Eve was like that for me. Ruth was living in a Logan, (about a 45 minute drive from where we lived at the time), so after I talked with Mykel and made arrangements for the boys, I finished getting ready and was on my way within about 15 minutes after the phone call. During the quiet drive to Logan I had time to reflect on the enormity of the entire situation. I had just barely come to terms with the reality that I would only be having the three boys, especially after the finality of a hysterectomy. I had given away every baby thing I owned; I didn’t have a crib, car seat, high chair or anything anymore, and I especially didn’t have any baby girl clothes. But those were the least of my worries.

I had no idea what the situation was with Ruth’s husband. I only knew that she didn’t invite him to the birth and that he had only seen the baby on two occasions since she was born, I also knew they were in the middle of a divorce. I had no idea if he knew I was on my way to pick up his little girl or what his thoughts were on the subject. As with the prior three adoptions, all the children were placed in my care without relinquishment paperwork signed, so Ruth (or the birth father) had the legal right to come and take the baby back at any time. Mykel and I were just assigned guardianship (basically baby-sitting).

The first night with Ava

When I arrived at Ruth and Valorie’s apartment I started shaking again, I was so nervous! I had no idea what I was going to say, (what do you really say in this type of situation?) words are basically worthless.

When I walked in the apartment I could see Ruth folding baby clothes and packing the diaper bag. We talked about the baby’s schedule, what she liked and didn’t like, how she liked to sleep, how often she ate, etc. it was all very informal and casual (even though I was still shaking like crazy).

A year prior when Ruth and I met that day in the lounge of the hospital and had the two hour talk, I had asked her what she intended to name the baby. She said “Ava.” The name actually took me a while to warm up to, but then I came to love it. So during the time that I was driving Ruth to and from her doctor appointments, and when we would discuss the baby with the boys, we always referred to her as “Ava.”

Ava's first morning with us

When Ruth had the baby she decided to name her Skylynne Dawn; her mom told me once it was because the reflection of the Sky in her eyes when she was born (I think having to do with the time she was born or something like that). Anyway, for the past 10 months the baby had been called “Skye” (she is half Native-American descent). When we referred to the baby at home, we always called her “Ava” (we ended up naming her “Ava Skye”).

I was only at Ruth and Valorie’s house for about 20-30 minutes before everything was ready for me to leave. Ruth put Ava in her car seat while I took her belongings to my car. When I came back up to the apartment I didn’t know what to say or how to say goodbye. I asked Ruth if she wanted time alone with her or if she would like to walk with me to my car. She said her goodbyes.... and then I took Ava with me.

About a week after her arrival - she is so adorable!

I was still in that completely surreal state, I felt numb, scared, and overwhelmed. I got Ava’s car seat all buckled and I started the drive home. I knew Mykel was anxious to see us and I was so excited for the boys to see their sister again! I had only been driving for about 15 minutes when she started crying. I pulled over at a gas station to get some warm water and make her a bottle. I still remember holding her and feeding her while I sat in my car, it was one of those moments I will always cherish. I was in love with her already.

Our Story, Part 32 - New Year's Eve Surprise

2010-02-24T19:50:00.001-08:00

In the fall of 2003 the boys were all in school and things were just beginning to relax around our house (if that is possible with three small boys). By December 2003, it had been a month since my hysterectomy ~ I was on the mend, feeling great, and enjoying a break from school for a few weeks! (Last night I watched our family home video from Christmas of that year and it was so much fun to see the boys on Christmas morning opening their presents and seeing how young all of us looked. I couldn’t believe it had been six years since that Christmas in 1997 when the boys first came to live with us!) Little did we know that our lives were about to change again!

New Year's Eve 2003
I had only been home from work for a few minutes when I heard the phone ring. I was in the basement and had to run up to the kitchen to find the phone (I was out of breath from running). I looked at the caller ID and recognized the name and number…instantly my heart started racing and I was almost couldn't push the “talk” button because I was shaking so bad. I was barely able to answer because I knew it was Ruth’s number.

I said “hello” and after the obligatory pleasantries I realized it was Valorie’s voice on the other end of the phone. Valorie then said softly, “Do you want a little girl?” It was another one of those moments that just stop time. I was standing in my tiny 9x12 kitchen, leaning against the table and looking out the front window at the snow. I didn't even sit down. I am quite sure my mouth was agape. You would think I was used to this, I mean I only had about this much notice with all three of my boys but STILL…. I was completely taken back with the magnitude of the question!

My mind works faster than my mouth so I was fumbling to get some words out. I finally said “yes” and my follow up question was, “when?” She said “now.” I asked her what Ruth thought about the situation and she said “Ruth is standing right here next to me and asked me to call you.”

Let me just back up a few minutes…. I had just got home from work; I was changing my clothes to get ready to go to my sister-in-law's house for a New Year’s Eve party with our families when the phone rang. I was looking forward to a relaxing night watching movies, eating a lot of good food and sleeping in the next morning... (none of that happened). It is amazing how much ones life can change with a single phone call! I had to laugh to myself because I thought “at least this is more than 15 minutes notice, they live at least 45 minutes away this time!” :)

After I got off the phone I went and found Mykel to relay the incredible news. I just have to say that I have one of the most patient husbands in the world. Obviously we had talked about the possibility of adopting this little girl, we knew the day may come that we could get this phone call, but for the last few months we had bascially avoided the conversation because it hurt too much to even bring it up. I didn’t even consult him when the phone rang and the question was asked. I am so glad he can roll with the punches!

We decided not to tell the boys about the news; we wanted to surprise them too! We told them that I had to run a few errands and I would meet them at their cousin’s house in a few hours…. and I was on my way to pick up our daughter!

Our Story, Part 31 - The boys meet their sister!

2010-02-23T05:17:00.001-08:00

There are moments in our lives that when a thought comes to our mind and we remember it with such clarity that we can recall exactly where we were, what type of day it was and how we felt. In the fall of 2003, I had one of those moments. I remember driving down Washington Blvd. in Ogden; I was by myself and on my way home. I had just passed 21st street and I was thinking about my boys…. Then the thought came into my head “you don’t need to keep trying, your boys are your children.”

I had been struggling for years with thoughts about getting a hysterectomy, especially after I became a mother to my boys. The part I struggled with the hardest was the spiritual side of the matter. I didn’t want to completely extinguish the possibility of having children, but emotionally and physically I was so tired of the monthly roller coaster ride of getting my hopes up that I MAY be pregnant, only to have them dashed. I wanted to focus on the blessings in my life and stop worrying about having my “own” child. My boys are my OWN and I wanted to focus on them. I think my husband summed it up best after I had the miscarriage. He told me he didn’t want to have any biological children because “the boys are our children and I don’t want to feel any different about them, and I don’t want them to think we weren’t happy so we kept trying to have biologic children.”

So after four laparoscopic surgeries, years of infertility and pain caused from the endometriosis, I was ready to be done. In the fall of 2003, I started getting things ready to go in and have the surgery done. I hadn’t spoken with Ruth since before her baby girl was born. I didn’t want to interfere; besides, ignorance was bliss at that point. I had received a few e-mails here and there from Valorie, but like I always do, I tried to keep myself so busy that I didn’t even have time to think about it (too bad that didn’t work).

I knew that there MAY be the possibility of our adopting the baby sometime in the future, but I didn’t want to dwell on that, I couldn’t dwell on the “what if” or else I would just make myself crazy! In the fall of 2003, Ruth and Valorie were going back East to attend a family event (I think it was a wedding) and Valorie asked me if we could watch the baby (I am sure I probably offered as well, I couldn’t pass it up!), so for a few days we were able to have “Skye” come and stay with us. I wasn’t sure how the boys would take it, especially when she had to go back, but they were excited to see their baby sister.

They were old enough to understand that they had a sister and that she lived with Ruth. After Ruth gave birth and the baby didn’t end up coming to live with us we had to answer a lot of their questions….. “Why didn’t she live with us? Why did Ruth keep her and not them? When is she going to come and live with us?”

A picture of "Skye" during her visit with us.

For a few short days we just enjoyed having her in our home. The boys couldn’t get enough of her and they fought about who got to hold her, who got to push her in the swing, and who got to feed her, etc. I was actually happy that Ruth was able to keep her and take care of her, because I knew she wanted to be a mother as well. I didn’t want to keep “taking” her children away from her. That was never my intent.

Bryan wanted to go with me when we took “Skye” back. He also wanted to see Ruth and Valorie and I knew they wanted to see him, so he came with me. I think in his young mind he thought he was going to convince Ruth to let us keep her. He even said to Ruth, “but you promised she would be our sister!” I explained to him that she was still his sister, but she would be living with Ruth.

A few weeks after that visit and two days before Thanksgiving, I was scheduled to have my hysterectomy. My doctor was actually doing a fairly new procedure at the time called a Laparoscopic Supracervical Hysterectomy, which was less invasive than a regular hysterectomy.

The surgery went well and I felt great when I woke up. I even called my parents to tell them I would be home for Thanksgiving. I went to my room for recovery and I fell asleep for a while. During that time Mykel went to pick up the boys to come and visit me. I woke up before he got back and as I lay there thinking about what I had just done I had an overwhelming feeling of complete and utter sadness envelope me... After all these years wanting to KNOW if I could have children, I now KNEW that I would never have the possibility of carrying a child and giving birth. The pain and knowledge of the finality of my decision was devastating and my heart ached. I was glad I was alone during that time. I didn’t want my boys to see me cry, but I also longed for someone to hold me and tell me “everything would be alright.”

A little while later Mykel and all the boys arrived. They were so cute and caring. They wanted to hold my hand and lay by me and make sure I was alright. I loved having them there, their presence helped dispel my sadness and grief. They were such a comfort to me when I needed to feel comfort and peace! I love my boys!

“One’s life….cannot be both faith-filled and stress-free….Therefore, how can you
and I really expect to guide naively through life, as if to say, ‘Lord, give me
experience, but not grief, not sorrow, not pain, not opposition, not betrayal,
and certainly not to be forsaken. Keep from me, Lord, all those experiences
which made Thee what Thou art! Then let me come and dwell with Thee and fully
share Thy joy!’ Real faith….is required to endure this necessary but painful
developmental process.” Neal A. Maxwell

Our Story, Part 30 - A Beautiful Baby Girl

2010-02-21T07:01:00.001-08:00

Ruth was due in a little less than two weeks and I still had no idea if she was actually going to allow us to take the baby home from the hospital. I know she had given me the card telling me she wanted to place the baby and she had told the boys that she was going to place the baby with us, but I honestly think she hadn't truly made up her mind. (I don' t blame her, I could not make that monumental decision). I had talked with her several times about contacting the birth father but she was afraid he would be upset and she didn’t want us or our attorney to contact him. There was nothing else I could do.

At this point I don’t believe Ruth had mentioned to her husband that she was thinking about placing the baby. He knew who we were and had visited our home a year before with Ruth, but I know that he didn’t want us to adopt their baby.

Friday February 14, 2003 – Went and picked up a crib from my friend’s house, bought balloons and a Valentine’s gift for Ruth (the boys were so excited to take her the balloons and present).

Ruth didn’t have a car, but luckily her apartment was within walking distance of a grocery story, a bank, several restaurants and the hospital where I worked. A good friend of mine who works at the hospital took Ruth on a tour of the maternity ward to see if she wanted to deliver there since it was less than a block away from her apartment (she decided to still deliver in Salt Lake).
Tuesday February 18, 2003 – Ruth came to talk to me at work for two hours; she wants to go back to her husband.

This was such an emotional day for me. Ruth and I sat in the lounge of the hospital discussing her options and what she REALLY wanted to do. I think she knew what she wanted, but then she also wanted to make me happy. I kept telling her not to worry about what I wanted or what the boys wanted, just to do what was best for her and her baby. I had always hoped that she would be happy and I knew she just wanted to be married, have children, and move on with her own life, so I didn’t want to deter her from going back to her husband. She needed a person who was removed from the situation to give her advice, because I definitely wasn’t the right person to do that.

Wednesday February 19, 2003 – Ruth is not going to go back to her husband.

Ruth was due in less than 10 days and we still hadn’t made contact with the birth father and Ruth was still vacillating about whether or not she wanted to place the baby. I didn’t want to keep putting pressure on her, so a few days later I told my husband Mykel I could not take it anymore and I that I was removing myself from the whole situation.

I can’t remember if I called Ruth on the phone or if I e-mailed or talked to her mother, that part is a blur…. But I let them know that I was not going to contact Ruth anymore about placing the baby with us. She didn’t need that kind of pressure. She needed someone to help her make decisions for her future, but I was not that person.

I still don't know who took Ruth to the hospital or how the delivery went. Someone called me a few days after the baby was born to tell me that Ruth had delivered a beautiful baby girl. They probably told me how much she weighed and how long she was but I don’t remember those facts.

They said Ruth was fine and the baby was healthy and strong.... that was all I wanted to know.

Our Story, Part 29 - I need a time out

2010-02-18T23:31:00.001-08:00

Monday February 10, 2003 – Ruth’s Doctor appointment (18 days before Ava was born).

Ruth was still seeing her doctor in Salt Lake and because she didn’t have transportation I would take her to the appointments. I didn’t mind having the boys see Ruth, they knew she was pregnant; she would point to her belly and say “this is your little sister.” The boys would even ask her if she was going to “give her to us” and her response was affirmative. I didn’t want to leave the boys with a baby-sitter for this trip, so the boys came with us on the drive to the appointment ~ two hour round-trip, plus doctor visit… and NO I didn’t have a DVD player in my van! Luckily one of my best friends I have had since grade school lived only a few minutes from the hospital and she consented to watch the boys during the appointment. (Thank Heaven for small miracles!)

I went to the doctor’s office with Ruth but I stayed in the waiting room and leafed through the numerous baby magazines that littered every possible end table and magazine holder available. I remember thinking to myself “I wonder what people would think if they knew I was here with my children’s birth mother…” it was such an odd situation that I was sure no one would believe THAT!

I have a hard time looking at baby magazines (baby anything for that matter) and the non-stop pictures of the new mothers breast feeding, photo shoots of pregnant bellies, happy smiling pregnant women, etc… is all too disheartening for me. To this day I really don’t like to hold infants (the only exception was Preston), so I just make myself scarce when a newborn is present. I have five sisters, four of whom have children (two of them have eight children each) and it has been challenging watching family and friends have children so effortlessly. I really try to be cheerful because I am genuinely glad for them, it is the incessant talk about every little facet of someone’s pregnancy and delivery that I cannot bear to hear (you may as well pound bamboo shoots underneath my fingernails, it would probably be easier to endure). I usually just make a subtle exit and find something else to do like clean the fridge, scrape mold from my window wells, fold laundry, scrub toilets, or anything that doesn’t make me feel even more demoralized as a non-childbearing woman. But again, I digress…

I'm really not bitter, I mean, my son Preston said it best ~

"Mom, if your tummy wasn't broken you wouldn't have us!"

After the appointment and picking up the boys we were on the way home…. The boys needed to stop and go to the bathroom, (they were hitting each other, screaming, and basically acting their age) but finally I couldn’t take it anymore ~ I yelled at them to be quiet. I don’t know who was more surprised, Ruth or the boys, but the car went silent. (Ruth probably wondered what kind of person she placed her children with… but maybe she was just finally seeing the real me and not the perfect mother I tried to be whenever we were together.) We pulled over at a gas station and I took the boys in to the restroom and took a time out for myself. (Ever have one of those days when you just want to just start running and never come back?)

I was tired of the enormous amount of pressure I felt trying to keep everyone happy. I was tired of driving. I was physically and emotionally drained. I wanted to just go home, read a book and check out from reality for a few hours. I was just plain tired and I needed a break…

Our Story, Part 28 - Did I say I like to be busy???

2010-02-17T06:29:00.001-08:00

I know I mentioned previously that I like to be busy….but these next few weeks almost put me over the edge. (To get an idea of how really crazy I was at this time you must remember that I was still working full-time and going to school full-time….besides being a full-time mom and wife, well okay, the mom and wife part were definitely only part-time at this point.)

I didn’t keep a journal during these few months (I barely had time to breathe); I just have notes from my school planner, so here are a few snippets:

Wednesday January 8, 2003 – Lunch with Ruth in Salt Lake, she wants me to adopt the baby!

Friday January 10, 2003 – Picked up Ruth in Salt Lake, women’s shelter, Logan, etc. (see previous post)

The next few days I spent locating an apartment for Ruth. I found a large one bedroom with several nice windows and good sun exposure. I had some extra furniture, so we were able to get her set up with at least a moderate amount of items including a bed, (the boys donated their small TV), stereo, kitchen table and chairs, dishes, towels and linens. (I love decorating, so this part was fun for me!)

Tuesday January 14, 2003 – My Birthday!

Wednesday January 15, 2003 – We moved Ruth into her new apartment, it was a LONG day!

Mykel and I have moved a lot so we are old pros at this sort of thing, but it was tiring nonetheless. I think one of the hardest parts of the situation during this time was leaving the boys with a baby-sitter or trying to coordinate a schedule with the boys and deciding if they should witness the unfolding events. I hated saying goodbye to them during those long days, it felt like I never even saw them... except for driving in the car. Even though we lived less than 10 miles from Ruth’s apartment it was a long drive to keep going back and forth to work, school and her apartment.

Thursday January 16 – Workforce Services appointment with Ruth.
We went to job service to find out what Ruth’s options were as far as money for food and her basic welfare needs, the lady who helped us was very kind and understanding and I was so grateful for the help.

Friday January 17, 2003 - Two days later we had to go back to her old apartment and get more of her stuff and then back to her mother’s home to get more (about four hours of driving that day….)

Saturday January 18, 2003 – Date night with Mykel, we went and watched a high school basketball game with my friend Rachel; it was two of the most relaxing hours of my entire month!

Monday February 3, 2003 – I drove Ruth to her doctor appointment in Salt Lake. On this trip I didn’t take the boys with me. I picked up Ruth and we had to go back to my work so I could drop off my time card because I had forgotten something. When I got back in the car, Ruth handed me an envelope. Below is a copy of the card she gave me.

The card says:

Camille,

I would like for you to adopt the baby girl.

That would mean a lot to me.

I would love for Bryan and the boys to have a sister.

Thank you for everything.

Sincerely, Ruth

PS - Listen to the last song on this CD.

The song she refers to on the CD is called “From God’s Arms, To My arms, To Yours”

by Michael McLean
With so many wrong decisions in my past, I’m not quite sure
If I can ever hope to trust my judgement anymore.
But lately I’ve been thinking, ‘cause it’s all I’ve had to do.
And in my heart I feel that I should give this child to you.
(Chorus)
And maybe you can tell your baby,
When you love him so, that he’s been loved before;
By someone who delivered your son
From God’s arms, to my arms, to yours.

If you choose to tell him, and if he wants to know,
How the one who gave him life could bear to let him go;
Just tell him there were sleepless nights; I prayed and paced the floors
And knew the only peace I’d find is if this child was yours.
(Chorus)
Now I know that you don’t have to do this,
But could you kiss him once for me
The first time that he ties his shoes, or falls and skins his knee?
And could you hold him twice as long when he makes his mistakes,
And tell him that he’s not alone, sometimes that’s all it takes.
I know how much he’ll ache.
This may not be the answer for another girl like me;
But I’m not on a soapbox saying how we all should be.
I’m just trusting in my feelings and I’m trusting God above,
And I’m trusting you can give this baby
Both his mothers’ love
(Chorus)

Our Story, Part 27 - The Move

2010-02-15T07:48:00.001-08:00

There are so many different variables and people involved with the adoption of my daughter Ava that I am having a hard time knowing where to begin. In my last post (Our Story, Part 26) I mentioned that Ruth had contacted me about the first week of January 2003, and asked me if I would be interested in adopting the baby if things didn’t work out with her husband (she was due at the end of February 2003). The next week she called and said that things weren’t going well and that she needed to move out that day ~ before her husband came back from work.

Mykel and I made the trip to her apartment in Salt Lake City (40-50 minute drive one-way) and helped Ruth load everything she owned and headed back up to Ogden (even though I had no idea where she was going to go). When we got to Ogden I dropped Mykel off at our home so he could go pick up the boys from my friend's house.

Ruth and I went to the Women’s Shelter to see if that was a viable option for the night. We went to intake and registration and got the information we needed and looked around at what would be Ruth’s bed and where she would stay (I can’t imagine being eight months pregnant, displaced from my home and staying there without any privacy, it was so cold), the somber feeling there was almost palpable. I still remember walking through the “kitchen” and seeing several women and children eating, looking at the bunkbed where Ruth would sleep, looking at the bathroom, and talking about security so she would be safe… it was almost surreal.

After the “tour” we both couldn’t envision Ruth staying there, especially if there were any other options. There was the possibility that she could stay at my house, but I had no idea what I would tell the boys, and besides, our house was so small that I think she would have even less privacy than at the Women’s Shelter. We finally opted to have her go to Logan (another 45-60 minute drive one-way) and stay with her mom, which was her last resort. By this time it was already around 8-9 p.m. I was extremely tired (I had already worked that morning and went to school before going to Salt Lake) and I couldn't wait to get home.

I think somewhere in between all of this we ate some food, but my memory is foggy about those facts. I remember details about the Women’s shelter and the memories it evokes (the moldy smell, the low ceilings, the low-pile industrial gray-blue carpet and white walls) but I can’t remember what Ruth and I talked about, or if much was said at all besides niceties and plans to find her an apartment.

I finally made it home around 11 p.m. that night, my head full of thoughts of adding another child to our family, how to approach the boys with the possibility of a little sister, finding an apatment for Ruth and a long list of what I needed to do the following morning (besides school, work and family). This was the beginning of the longest (and possibly hardest) month of my life.

An Amazing Example of Faith

2010-02-14T08:04:00.000-08:00

I can't write today, but will continue with "Our Story" tomorrow.

The following story, and statement from the Toone family has really touched my heart this week.

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=9658626

http://www.ksl.com/?nid=148&sid=9658626&pid=1

My heart goes out to this family, what an amazing example they are to me.

Camille

Brief Intermission

2010-02-12T07:05:00.000-08:00

On Wednesday night my son Cole and I were talking and he just burst out with, “I don’t want you to write the blog anymore!” After a lot of discussion, hugging and crying, I finally realized why he doesn’t want me to write….he said “I don’t want anyone to know that you aren’t my ‘real’ mom.” WOW! The conversation was a real eye opener for me and made me once again realize the different and unique challenges that adoptive parents face. Sometimes I long for things to be ‘normal’ and not have to answer the following questions my children ask and the thoughtless comments people make: (these are just a few samples...)

They are adopted? You aren’t their “REAL” mom?
Why did their mother give them up? How could she DO THAT? (Ugh, not my favorite one!)
Aren’t you scared she is going to take them back? (see answer below)
Why did my mom give me up?
Why didn’t she keep me?
Did/does she love me?
Can someone else adopt me and take me away from YOU?
Is it hard to love someone who isn’t your OWN?
What would my life be like if I lived with my birth mom?
Do I have other brothers and sisters?
Where is my birth father?
I hate when people treat me different because I am ‘adopted.’

Many people are aware that my children are adopted and that I have contact with their birth mother, so a frequent question I get is “aren’t you scared she will come and take them?” My answer is “no!” Of course when my children were first placed with me, there was that definite possibility because relinquishment requirements weren’t met and I wasn’t legally their parent at the time. Ruth had the legal right to come and take them back, so yes that was a possibility, but for now? “No.”

At this point in time I keep in contact with my children’s birth mother, grandmother(s), and two birth fathers. They all know my address, my phone number and my e-mail (if they care to contact me). I don’t try to hide where I live. I can’t live in fear. Am I afraid that they may come and take one of my children? No. Of course, that is always a possibility, but that is a possibility in any situation whether it be step-parents, estranged parents or whatever the case may be.

I am not saying this has always been easy. In fact, in the beginning I moved several times because I didn’t want Ruth to know where I lived. But after a week or so I would always end up telling her, what was the point in hiding anyway?

I considered not telling my children they were adopted and just pretending I was their “real” mom, but in the end it just didn’t make sense. At some point they would find out or know. Why not be honest about it from the get go? I didn’t want my children to hear it from someone else and then ask me why I hadn’t told them (I think that would be more devastating). Besides, my children have an amazing birth mother, why would I want to keep them from her?

A few days ago after my post about miscarriage, I got the following messages from Ruth: (shared with her permission)

“Camille, I am so sorry. I just read your last post/ blog. Why didn't you say anything about doing fertility treatments (artificial insemination) before? I feel for you, so not only did I feel a loss (placing the kids), you also had it tough. I know that things weren't easy for you; I had heard that you were pregnant before. I am sorry that life wasn't easier for you; I guess that which does not kill makes us stronger. I hope.

Thank you for your site and for the blog, it really helps me to see where you were coming from, after all of this time to hear this gives me new insight that I think helps me heal. You weren't the only one selfish, I was selfish for taking Bryan from you after sending him to you the first time, I am sorry for that. I am sorry that I didn't place Preston and Ava with you sooner so that you could enjoy a newborn, again selfishness on my part. I wish that I had more faith that everything would work out with the adoptions turning out ok, which they did.”

My situation is different than most because I have more than one child from the same birth mother, so I can’t compare the relationship I have with Ruth to anyone else’s circumstances. I can’t worry about people making stupid, thoughtless comments. I can handle the dumb questions people ask, but it is sometimes hard to answer them in front my children.

My son and I talked for over an hour. We are planning on seeing Ruth next Monday and he is excited about that. I also asked him to read my blog and then let me know if he still wanted me to write (my oldest son reads every post I write and WANTS me to continue writing). After Cole read the first few posts he said “mom, you can still write.”

Our Story, Part 26 - Expect the Unexpected

2010-02-10T06:10:00.001-08:00

September 24, 2002
Today was my day off and I just wanted to spend some time with the boys, we surprised them by going to the zoo. There were only about 12 people there so we had the place to ourselves. It felt like we were the only ones on the planet. We walked around the park, taking our time and not worrying about anything. I think it was one of the few times in my life that I actually truly relaxed and didn’t worry about getting somewhere or hurrying on to the next thing. I didn’t have to worry about going to work, Mykel doesn’t have a job and we had no other plans but to be with our children.

Together at the zoo - September 2002

My favorite exhibit was the butterflies and beetles. I love looking at the display of insects and how amazing each creature is. The cockroaches were scary and I wouldn’t want one to land on me, but the butterflies were a different story. I compared them to each individual person. We all have our own markings and spots, but most people can’t see them or don’t want to try. We are all beautiful, but all different, and I think we each need to get to know what people are about before we make judgements. I could sit and look at the butterflies all day.

September 25, 2002
Another day off from work and school; Mykel, Preston and I hung out all day and just spent time together. No rushing to go anywhere, who cares about cleaning, we are together as a family! I think I like this, Mykel not having a job. I just have to remember to not stress about everything.

October 15, 2002
I love being at home at night and tucking the kids in. Spending time with them at the end of the day is my favorite part. I could just hold and hug Preston all night. He has the most amazing smile that can just make me smile from the inside out. He truly has a way of making people around him happy. Cole would just try to talk to me all night and hold me. They wanted me to do the “chicken dance” for them before I turned off the light. I did the dance for them and they wanted me to do it faster! I laughed so hard and they did too. Bryan had to get up and do the dance for me and we all laughed. I think this is what life is truly about, me making a fool out of myself and my kids laughing and loving every minute of it. Being a mom is the best!

October 16, 2002
I read my entry from yesterday and I had a wave of emotion come over me with regards to my children’s birthmother. It has been very painful for me to know that I can’t have biological children, but my children I have, truly are MY children and I can’t imagine having any others. I am so grateful that Ruth was willing to place her children with me so I could be a mother. Each day that I spend with them I love them even more. They are such a joy and I think this age has to be the most fun ever! Bryan is 7, Cole 5 and Preston 4, and what a combination they make together! They just play off each other and make one another laugh. They of course fight as well, but they usually end up hugging and saying they are sorry. Cole has the most tender heart, but he can put out his own as well. I truly love being with them. Thank you a million times over Ruth; you have given me the best gift of all, life.

Ruth and I had kept in contact during these few months and I knew she was expecting a little girl in February. She wasn’t real vocal about how things were going between she and her husband, and it wasn’t my place to ask. We just talked about general topics and about how the children were doing.

During the first week of January 2003, Ruth called and asked me to come down for lunch. I picked her up and we went to the “Red Iguana” – by the end of lunch, she asked me if I would be interested in adopting her baby if things didn’t work out with her husband.

WHOA! Life was about to get even more interesting...

Our Story, Part 25 - Time Marches On

2010-02-09T06:15:00.000-08:00

In the summer of 2001, I guess I felt I didn’t have enough to do, so I enrolled at the local university to finish my degree. I was still having a lot of pain from the endometriosis, so in July 2001; I had my fourth and final laparoscopy to remove any remaining scar tissue and adhesions to hopefully get rid of the daily pain I was having. (It didn't work).

This is one of my favorite pictures of the boys with their dad.

By the fall of 2001, I was in school full-time, working at a local hospital doing medical transcription full-time, being a mom full-time and trying to hold a full-time service position at church; the perfect combination of full-time overload so I didn’t have time to think about much except for what was pressing at the moment. “Going to school and working are just things that keep my mind off other things. It seems that if I don’t have a lot of things going on, I don’t get anything done. If I am busy, busy, busy, I don’t have time to stop and think and ponder over things that might hurt.” (From my journal)

I would drop Bryan off at school at 8 a.m. and take Cole and Preston with me to the university. We would park our car and take a shuttle bus to campus. I had a single stroller, so Preston would ride in the seat and Cole would stand on the metal stroller bar while I pushed. This worked great until it snowed and then it was a nightmare trying to push the stroller through snow, drop the boys off at their pre-school and make it to class by 8:30 a.m. GOOD TIMES!

The boys playing on campus with their dad while I took a test.

I met with Ruth in November 2001 for her Birthday and she told me that she had met someone special (she had actually met this person when Bryan lived with her in 1999). Ruth married in February 2002 and moved about a half-hour away from us. She and her new husband came to visit the boys in April of that same year and she brought them some presents for their birthdays. I was still in school and working like a crazy person (but that is the only way I knew how to deal with things). I knew Ruth was moving on with her life, but she and I still kept in touch.

In the fall of 2002 I started keeping a journal again for a class assignment and it brings back so many vivid memories of that time period! Bryan was in third grade and Cole was in kindergarten so Preston would come with me to the university and go to pre-school while I went to class.

Cole and Bryan in front of school, Preston being funny!

August 29, 2002
Catching the bus to go to school is quite a joke right now. I have Preston with me in a stroller, two backpacks and long line to get on the bus. So far I have waited for at least three buses to go by and I still haven’t gotten a ride to school. I am now late for my first class and I haven’t even dropped my son off yet. So much for coming early to school!

September 5, 2002
My job keeps changing. First I started out full-time, then part-time and then at night. The night hours are really hard. I work from 5 p.m. until 1:30 a.m. When I come home I can’t fall asleep… when I get up to get ready for school at 6:30 a.m. I feel as if I never went to sleep. I’ll be okay for the first few hours of the day, but by mid-afternoon when I get home and have to get ready for another day at work, all I want to do is sit and relax.

During this time in our life we also had a lot of stress dealing with material matters. Our car broke down and I was trying to get rides to school and to work (which was very difficult). We finally found an old black car that we paid cash for and it was a lifesaver! Also, Mykel's cousin's wife (and a good friend of ours) was having her fifth child and had invited Mykel to be present at the birth with his cousin so he could have the opportunity of cutting the cord and experience a live birth (since he wouldn’t have that opportunity with me).

September 12, 2002
Today I went to work at 5 p.m. and at about 1:30 a.m. Mykel called to say that [his relative] was having her baby. I came home from work and we woke up the kids and drove down to the hospital (about 1 ½ hours away). We got to the hospital only to find out that she had been sent home. I was starving at this point so I got some food (I still remember how good that chicken casadia was!) I also hadn’t slept in about 24 hours so I was rather tired at this point! The boys were all uncomfortable in the back of the car. Mykel decided to stay down with his cousin in case his wife went back into labor. I was so beat I could hardly move. The boys didn't sleep on the way home and they sang me songs to keep me awake. We got home about 4:30 in the morning.

September 13, 2002
Friday the 13th. Usually I am not one for bad signs or omens, but today was just one of those days. Besides only sleeping for 2 hours and then getting up to take the kids to school I was stressing about our car situation. I was on my way to the bank when I got a call from Mykel. He said he had called his boss to tell him he would be late and his boss told him “don’t worry about coming back.” So on top of not sleeping, stress about the car and work, etc. My husband is now out of a job.

Did I mention I also found out that Ruth was expecting?

Our Story, Part 24 - Learning Curve

2010-02-07T07:47:00.000-08:00

In May 2001 I took the boys up to Ruth and Valorie’s house to for a visit. They had a great playground and park nearby so we bought some pizza and ate on the picnic tables while Ruth’s younger brother and sister swung the boys on the swings and took them on the slide and merry-go-round. It was a nice visit and the boys had a great time.

Bryan, Preston and Cole during a visit in June 2001.

"Although I understand that at this key time in the adoption process, the
adoptive parents are struggling with the issues of their own 'entitlement' to
the child. It is therefore understandable that this concern of entitlement can
progress into a very strong 'possessary' and 'exclusionary' attitude when it
comes to anyone that was involved with the child prior to its adoption by them.
However, if we focus back on the primary concern in any adoption matter, which
is to do what is 'in the best interest of the child', perhaps this exclusion and
'cutting off" of the rights and contact with biological grandparents is not a
wise practice."
Credits: Child Welfare Information Gateway (http://www.childwelfare.gov/)

I’ve mentioned before that because the adoptions were private, there was no “middle man” or person to help facilitate visitation or even give us any suggestions on what would be best for the boys (with regards to visitation issues). There was no one to assist us or give us advice on how to nurture the development of this kind of relationship. We were on our own.

Bryan and Preston eating pizza during our visit in June 2001.

In June 2001, Valorie came to visit the boys. She took them to the park and out to eat and when she brought them back Bryan asked if he could stay overnight. At this point things were going well and I knew he felt comfortable with Valorie so I allowed him to go. I had only intended on allowing Bryan to stay overnight, but then Mykel and I had to leave out of town unexpectedly and Bryan ended up staying for three days (which was my fault and not part of the original plan). When we finally made it back to pick him up my emotions were very close to the surface. I completely lost it when Bryan walked around the corner and I saw that Valorie had given him a hair cut.

Now I know that this probably doesn’t sound like a big issue, but for me it was my breaking point. I had that “exclusionary attitude when it comes to anyone that was involved with the child prior to its adoption by them.” Valorie had always cut his hair in the past and I HAD mentioned that he needed his hair cut so I cannot fault her as she was just trying to help me out.

Cole and Bryan with Ruth looking at Bryan's baby pictures.

The entire argument and basis of my anger was due in part to miscommunication (aren’t most disagreements started this way?). By the time I got home I was livid. (I should have taken the time to calm down and think things through, but I didn’t). I wrote a very mean and nasty e-mail to Valorie telling her that “if [her family] cannot be a good influence on our children, we don’t wish them to be a part of their lives anymore.” I am quite embarrassed to even share how irrational I was. I was being selfish and only thinking of MY feelings and not taking into consideration how hard it was for everyone else.

By the next day I had calmed down considerably and wished I hadn’t been so hasty in passing judgment and making “final” decisions. I ended up writing her an e-mail with the subject line “Please read with love.”

The final paragraph of my e-mail read: “I apologize for making you upset, but I didn’t write that last e-mail in hate. I was just writing as a hurt mother. I know this process has been hard and there really aren’t any guidelines to follow because this definitely wasn’t a ‘by-the-book’ adoption. I know that our Heavenly Father knows what is best, I just wish I did. Please let me know your thoughts and feelings so we can work through this.”

We were both able to write e-mails back and forth explaining each side of the story and why we acted and reacted the way we did. I am happy to say that this was the last time there have ever been cross words between us. It brought us to a whole new level in this “open adoption” relationship. We both realized that we had to stop walking on eggshells and trying to make everything perfect for the other party. We just had to be open and honest about how we felt (which is much easier than it sounds!) if we were ever going to make this work.

Our Story, Part 23 - Visitation

2010-02-06T04:17:00.001-08:00

After I had the miscarriage, I spent a lot of time questioning what would be best for my boys and how I felt about them seeing Ruth and Valorie. If you know me personally you know that I like to keep busy, it helps me cope with life…. if I have a lot going on I don’t over-analyze or second guess relationships or question things, I just deal with the most pressing issue at the moment (which isn’t always a good thing). It took Bryan making a simple statement for me to realize the gravity of the decisions I was making for their future:

April 5, 2001
Tonight while I was cleaning Bryan’s room he asked me “did you buy me from Ruthie? Did you get me for a good bargain at a garage sale?” Then he asked me “why did I come to live with you” and “why did I have to go back and live with Ruth?” I tried explaining everything the best I could and then he said “I want to go see my mom and grandma.”

April 15, 2001
Mykel and I had a good talk about the boys seeing their birthmother and grandma and we decided it would be best if they were able to see them and associate with them. Valorie came to see them last Saturday. Bryan was real excited when I told him she was coming. When she got here he started crying. He said “she looks different, she looks older” and “her voice changed.” She looked exactly the same to me, but Bryan had a hard time for the first 15 minutes or so. Cole and Preston just warmed right up. Preston sat on her lap and just talked. Cole asked “will you be my friend?” It was really neat to see them bond so well. Bryan had a hard time realizing that she wasn’t just “his” grandma. I think it will take a while for him to really understand that. Both Valorie and Ruth are coming down on Friday for “Grandparents Day” at Bryan’s school. It will be interesting to see how he reacts to seeing his birth mom.

“Many open adoption relationships have a warmth that comes from having shared a common difficulty - allowing yourself to be vulnerable to another human being, responding to that person’s vulnerability and being committed to a common goal,
that of the child. The birthparents may seem like good friends of the family,
gathering on holidays, or for the child’s birthday, and for other special
occasions just as families would do. Like all relationships, your open adoption
will have peaks and valleys. As you overcome each hurdle, you will learn what to
expect from each other and will gain confidence in your ability to make the
relationship work.” Credits: Adoption Network Law Center

April 21, 2001
Ruth and Valorie showed up to my house right before the program started and I went with them to Bryan’s school. I was nervous about how Bryan would react when he saw Ruth. When we walked in the door of his class he just smiled and waved to us. He came over and talked to Ruth and Valorie and I think he handled the situation rather well. He was the “gingerbread boy” in his program. It was a neat little program that they performed for “Grandparents Day”. I think Valorie was especially excited to see him and be invited to his special day at school. I think Ruth had a good time as well.

Bryan, Ruth and Valorie at Bryan's school for "Grandparent's Day" 2001

We all ate lunch with Bryan and his class and then went back home. Cole and Preston aren’t really aware who Valorie and Ruth really are but they enjoyed their company. Ruth brought them each a present to open for their birthday. I think Bryan was a little jealous because he didn’t open a present, although Ruth gave him a card and some stickers for Easter.

A lot of people are wondering why I would allow Ruth and Valorie to see them, but I feel like “why not?” It would be selfish for me to try and keep them to myself. I love my boys dearly but I am sure that Ruth and Valorie love them as well. It would break my heart if they were not part of my life. I am just thankful Ruth was willing to let them be my boys. I believe she had a much greater sacrifice by far. I just needed time to get attached to the boys and for them to feel comfortable around me. I think they know that I am their “mom” but I am sure that Ruth will always hold a special place in their hearts.

Our Story, Part 22 - Highs and Lows

2010-02-04T07:39:00.001-08:00

The reason I am sharing parts of my journal during this period of my life is because it sets the stage for what happens next with relation to the birth of my daughter Ava. So many times in my life I have wondered why things have happened a certain way. I am sure many of us, when faced with trials in our life wonder “why me?” or “why now?” It usually isn’t until years later that you realize why your life has taken a certain turn, or why you were faced with certain hardships. To me, it only confirms my belief that God is in control. We just have to be patient and learn as we go along.

February 8, 2001
I went and had the second blood test today and it came back positive and the HCG hormone has almost tripled! That is good news! I went to the gym today and worked out. My doctor says I can continue exercising throughout my pregnancy. Yeah!

Mykel is so excited! He told his dad that we are pregnant but we are going to wait until next week to tell his mom. I can’t wait to tell her, my mom already knows and she is very excited. WOW! I’m pregnant!

February 15, 2001
A week has already gone by and I am still pregnant and I can’t really believe it. I ordered some baby clothes and I got them yesterday, they are so adorable! The boys have been so excited about the baby. Cole keeps asking me if the baby is asleep in my tummy. He says he wants a little girl. The other day my friend came over and Bryan just blurted out “there is a baby in my mom’s tummy!” – We hadn’t even told him yet! I think Preston senses something too because he has just been hanging on me and wanting me to hold him. The other night he was sick so I let him sleep on the couch outside our room. He kept crying so I would go and hold him until he went to sleep. I only slept for about 3 hours but I enjoyed every minute watching him sleep in my arms. I love him!

Today Bryan looked up at my boobs and said “they are almost to your stomach!” Well that took the wind out of me and I had to laugh! He also told me that “Ruth had 3 babies in her belly, Bryan, Cole and Preston.”

February 17, 2001
Today we met with Mykel’s family in Salt Lake and walked all over downtown. The boys were just miserable after walking all day since we had been up since 5 a.m. I am so grateful for the wonderful boys I have, they have been so great today and so much fun to be with. I love when they let me hold them and give me hugs.

It is so amazing to think that I have a little soul starting to grow in my stomach, it just doesn’t seem real! (I also gave my mother-in-law a little baby onesie wrapped up to share with her the good news that I was expecting!)

February 20, 2001
Right now my stomach is in a lot of pain. I was helping my brother Colby bring an organ in from the garage and I think I lifted too much. I guess I need to start being careful!

February 22, 2001
Yesterday was probably one of the worst days of my life. I woke up at 5 a.m. like I normally do to work and I went to the bathroom and saw blood. I looked in the toilet and saw a lot more blood. I called out for Mykel and he came in the bathroom and then I just started crying. Mykel held me while I just sobbed. My whole body was just numb. We waited until 8 a.m. when my doctor’s office opened and I took the boys to my friend Dana’s house then went to the clinic. They did an ultrasound and couldn’t find the gestation sac, which is a bad sign. My nurse also did a pelvic exam and she saw a lot of blood as well. We still had some hope, so I had to take a blood test to see what my HCG level was. It should’ve been around 10,000 but it was already down to 380.

Mykel and I left and went to breakfast at Einstein Bagels. I tried to drink some orange juice and eat something but I was still in a lot of pain and cramping really bad. Mykel tried to comfort me and he said “I am glad we aren’t having any biological children. I love my boys and I don’t want to feel any different about them.” I understood what he was saying, but it was still hard to hear. I was so devastated.

We went and picked up the boys and went home. I took a hot bath and mostly stayed in bed. Cole came to lay by me and rubbed my arm and my forehead and told me it would be alright. I kept blaming myself for doing too much, but my doctor told me there wasn’t anything I could’ve done to prevent it from happening.

I made myself go to gym class today. I was angry at my body and so I just physically pushed myself to the limit. It took all I had not to cry. After gym class I didn’t feel like going home so I just drove to Mykel’s work and cried on his shoulder for awhile. I just couldn’t stop crying. I told Cole and Preston that my tummy wasn’t working and Cole started crying, he said “where is my little girl?” Then he sang “You Are So Beautiful to Me” and it helped cheer me up to hear his little voice.

I just can’t believe how hard it has been. I felt like it was such a miracle to get pregnant and that everything would be okay. I guess my Heavenly Father has other plans for me. I just hope I can be patient.

~ Remember that you are entitled to our Father’s blessings in this work. He did not call you to your privileged post to walk alone, without guidance, trusting to luck. On the contrary, He knows your skill, He realizes your devotion, and He will convert your supposed inadequacies to recognized strengths. He has promised: “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, and my Spirit shall be in your hearts, and mine angels round about you, to bear you up.” Thomas S. Monson ~

Two years later in February 2003 ~ Ruth gave birth to a beautiful little girl, who would later become my daughter Ava.

She was definitely worth the wait.

Our Story, Part 21 - Artificial Insemination

2010-02-03T08:21:00.000-08:00

In the fall of 2000 Bryan started school. Our life had calmed down quite a bit and we fell into a normal routine. Mykel and I had been married for over eight years at this point and had never done anything to prevent getting pregnant. I had already endured three surgeries to remove the endometriosis that I had, but I had never felt that fertility drugs were for me (I am a total lightweight with any medication and my body can’t handle it – I am a wimp!) My OB/GYN suggested we try “artificial insemination” – it was the least expensive route to go and one that we hadn’t tried before.

The following are a few clips from my journal after we tried artificial insemination and were waiting to find out if I was pregnant: (I know reading from my journal is not every exciting, but humor me for a minute, this will all make sense when I get to the next part of the story about the adoption of my daughter Ava).

November 19, 2000
On one hand I really want to experience pregnancy and childbirth; but on the other I am completely happy with the three wonderful boys I have. They all want a little sister, so they are praying for one. I think Mykel would also like to experience the whole birth process and that excites him. I am trying hard not to get my hopes up, yet I find myself talking like I am already pregnant. I just pray that if it is not meant for me to conceive a child that I will be comforted and know this is God's will. I just don’t want to prevent any children from coming to our home if it is meant to be. That is not to say it hasn’t been stressful and very emotional getting my hopes up every month. I am always hoping – but last summer I found myself at a point where either I had a hysterectomy and left NO chance so I didn’t have to wonder, or did all that I could so I could say that I at least tried.

Bryan, Cole and Preston eating gumballs at the mall ~ February 2001

November 20, 2000
Yesterday Bryan asked me what the doctor did to help my tummy work. I tried to explain about the doctor taking part of Mykel and putting it inside me – he then asked “what part of daddy?” (That one was fun to explain!) Bryan keeps praying that we can have a baby sister. The other morning he and I were talking about what we would name a little sister. He said “Mary” so he could sing “Mary had a Little Lamb.” I told him I wanted to name her Mykalin and he said “mom, wasn’t Cole’s name already Michael?” I couldn’t believe he remembered that! He was only 2 ½ when we changed Cole’s name from Michael!

November 27, 2000
I took a pregnancy test today and it was negative. I thought I would be a lot more depressed but I actually feel at peace…. After the test was negative my mind was flooded with thoughts of the three beautiful children I do have and how much joy they bring to my life. I guess I have just come to appreciate them even more now. I think my biggest fear about getting pregnant is about how I will feel about my boys, I don’t want there to be a comparison with biological children, because my boys are MINE. I don’t want them to feel inferior at all. I think now I am more worried that I AM pregnant!

Preston eating his gumball, Cole in the background trying to get another one ~ February 2001

December 7, 2000
My computer has been down for two days and I am really behind on work (I did medical transcription at home), but it has been nice just spending more time with the boys. I marvel at the joy that each little smile brings to my life. I love being a mom to my little boys. I feel I must spend every minute with them and enjoy everything they bring to my life. I am comforted with the option of not giving birth to any children. I just feel blessed to be a mother. Each day I seem to enjoy even more with my boys. I love when Preston lets me hold him cheek to cheek and they all crawl up on my lap to hear a story. Whenever I go anywhere or leave the room Cole has to give me about 5 hugs and kisses. He loves to be held and kissed. Today Bryan and I were making a Christmas calendar and he looked at me and said “I know who I love – YOU mom!” I love him too! We were watching the movie “BIG” where a boy (Tom Hanks) goes to a carnival and makes a wish at a machine that he is big. Well Bryan said “I wish we had a machine to get wishes” so I asked him what he would wish for and he said “I wish that your tummy could work so we could have a little sister!”

January 11, 2001
I keep having this pain on my right side. I thought it might be my appendix, but it hasn’t gotten worse. It has awakened me a couple of times and I feel it daily but I don’t know what is wrong.

January 31, 2001
My side has still been hurting and I don’t what it is. Maybe I’ll go and get it checked.

February 5, 2001
I went to the doctor today to find out what is wrong. They took a pregnancy test and it was POSITIVE, but the pain I am having isn’t normal. I have to go tomorrow and get an ultrasound done to find out if it is an ectopic pregnancy. My stomach has been really hurting so I don’t know what is going on. I am a little scared and sad at the same time. I am amazed that I am pregnant, but knowing that if it is an ectopic pregnancy and that the fetus will die is hard to deal with. I guess I will find out more tomorrow.

February 6, 2001
I scheduled an ultrasound with my OB/GYN. They weren’t able to see anything except that my endometrium is getting thicker, which is a good sign. I had to get my blood drawn again so they could check the HCG level. I took the blood test at 11 a.m. and I got the results back at 3:30. I was on the phone with the nurse (my mom was sitting next to me and Mykel walked in the door from work) when I got the good news. The test showed I was definitely pregnant. I have to take another test in two days to make sure the hormones are doubling to make sure it is not ectopic. I am so glad it has taken this long to get pregnant otherwise I might not have my wonderful little boys! They are going to be so excited!!!

When I picked Bryan up from school his teacher said to me “doesn’t he just have the sweetest disposition? He is so lovable!” It is amazing how my feelings for the boys have increased since I found out I was pregnant. I appreciate them even more. My heart just aches sometimes because I love them so much. My Father in Heaven has blessed me so much, it is truly remarkable! I know he has a plan for each one of us and he is acutely aware of our needs and the desires of our hearts. Life is wonderful!

Our Story, Part 20 - What is "best?"

2010-02-02T03:21:00.001-08:00

Because we lived several hours from Ruth and Valorie, we didn’t have weekly or monthly visits but we kept in touch via e-mail or letters.

My three boys ~ I loved this age!

The following is part of an e-mail I sent to Valorie in January 2000, about nine months after Bryan came back to live with us:

“Bryan is very active and never seems to stop talking. He comes in my room in the morning and says ‘let’s just talk’ and then we talk about anything he has on his mind. At night when I tuck him in he says ‘mom, I’m glad I’m here.’ He understands everything so we just explain everything to him. He knows that Ruth signed papers for him to come live with us, and when we went and saw the judge Bryan said ‘now I get to be yours forever right?’

He knows that he has three grandmothers who love him very much, and I explained to him that he is very lucky to have so many people who love him. Whenever we go to Vernal and pass through Roosevelt (where Ruth lived at the time) he says, ‘I don’t want to stay here mom, I want to go back to Ogden,’ and I think he gets a little bit leery whenever I say we are going to Vernal, (where Valorie lived at the time), until I let him know that we will be coming with him and that he will be coming home with us.

Mykel and the boys!

Bryan hasn’t forgotten you, and I doubt he ever will. When he sees something that reminds him of you, he always tells me. He seems to just want to talk about everything for which I am grateful.”

As I alluded in my previous posts, I sometimes (okay, most of the time) did not know how to act about visitation and the open relationshiop we had with Ruth and Valorie. In February of that same year I sent another e-mail to Valorie. Reading it now sickens me because of what I wrote, but like I said before, I made many mistakes while trying to decide what was “best” for the boys.

February 6, 2000

Dear Valorie,

“We didn’t know going into this how things would turn out, how we would feel, how the children would feel and how you and Ruth would feel. It was a learning experience for all of us. At the beginning and throughout most of the adoption process I felt like I wouldn’t mind Bryan seeing you and seeing Ruth. But now that Bryan is in our home and part of our family my views have changed…. Bryan has already said to Cole ‘my mom didn’t want you so she gave you away.’ We don’t want them to feel that one was cared for more than the other. They all need to feel the same love and affection.

Bryan is now our son and we feel that we should do what is going to be in Bryan’s best interest. Bryan is thriving here, he is the happiest we have ever seen him. It is not fair to keep pulling him to two different sides.

Mykel with the boys in our backyard on Mother's Day

For now we feel that Bryan just needs to be with us and settle into our home. When he, Cole and Preston get older they can decide for themselves what they would like to do. I don’t think it is fair for us, or you, or Ruth to make that decision for them. We will be happy to still send pictures and e-mail to let you know how they are doing, but for now we feel that they shouldn’t see you or Ruth in person, or talk with you on the phone. It is too hard for Bryan and it is extremely hard on us.”

I think the last sentence says it all “it is extremely hard on us” mainly me, I was very selfish about being their only mother at that time and it was hard for me to share their affection. My emotions were very close to the surface and most of the time I was making decisions based on what would be best for me and my own feelings. I think I wrote the above e-mail in haste when Bryan made the comment to his younger brother Cole about Ruth not wanting him and giving him away.

The boys at Halloween! They still like to dress up with those masks!

About a week later I had changed my position on the whole deal (I do not stay mad/upset for very long). Valorie and I had been corresponding and writing each other about the story of the boys and how we met. I sent her my side of the story entitled “My Three Angels” and she sent me her side of the story ~ from there the lines of communication softened. We still kept in touch via e-mail and letters but there were no visits for several months. The following year Ruth and Valorie moved closer to us and in the spring of 2001, visitation started again.

Our Story, Part 19 - "Together Forever"

2010-01-31T06:21:00.001-08:00

Here are two short journal entries from March 1999 (two months before Bryan came back to live with us).

March 20, 1999

“My mom called this morning and said that there might be a possibility that we could get Bryan back. I didn’t hesitate for even a second; I just wish he was here now. I have been struggling with the fact that I can’t have any children, but when my mom called I felt as if it would be complete if Bryan were here. I sure hope that Ruth lets him come live with us. I just want to hold him and make him feel safe.”

March 30, 1999

“Ruth called me today and asked if we wanted Bryan – YES!!! I miss that little guy so much and I can’t wait until he is with us again. We are going to Vernal on Friday April 2 and we will get to see him. I really hope he will be able to come home with us. I can’t wait to just hold him and love him. Ruth said he asks about us and that he has been really depressed lately. He says he wants to go live with 'Miguel and Daddy.' I can’t wait to see him!”

We were able to see Bryan for several days in April but he did end up going back with Ruth after our visit. He came back to live with us permanently in May.

~ In the judge's chambers on the day of Bryan's finalization ~

Bryan’s adoption was finalized in November 1999, six months after he was placed with us for the second time. For his finalization we met in the judge’s chambers and the entire meeting was recorded for us. I remember sitting across the desk from the judge holding one of the boys on my lap (one on Mykel’s lap and one on our attorney’s lap). It was very emotional for both Mykel and I as we tried to convey the reasons we wanted Bryan to remain a permanent part of our family. We were both in tears when Mykel said “because I love him and he is our son.”

The day after finalization was even more significant. We were able to have Bryan *sealed to our family. Ruth and I are both members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, and a core belief of our religion is that families can be together forever. Valorie moved to Vernal because an LDS temple was being built there and she was able to convince Ruth to move with her and that is how we crossed paths and initially met each other. Ruth has told me on several occasions that she decided to place the boys with us because she wanted the boys to be *sealed to a mother and a father.

Together at the Vernal Temple for Bryan's sealing (Cole and Preston were sealed to us previously after their adoptions were finalized).

“Was there ever a man who truly loved a woman, or a woman who truly loved a man, who did not pray that their relationship might continue beyond the grave? Has a child ever been buried by parents who did not long for the assurance that their loved one would again be theirs in a world to come? Can anyone believing in eternal life doubt that the God of heaven would grant His sons and daughters that most precious attribute of life, the love that finds its most meaningful expression in family relationships? No, reason demands that the family relationship shall continue after death. The human heart longs for it, and the God of heaven has revealed a way whereby it may be secured. The sacred ordinances of the house of the Lord provide for it.” Gordon B. Hinckley http://www.lds.org/temples/purpose/why/0,11581,1953-1,00.html

Bryan and Camille (me) sharing a moment at the Vernal Temple
The ordinance of having my children *sealed to me was the most wonderful and sacred feeling I have ever experienced – we are an Eternal Family!

(*The sealing ordinance is that ordinance which binds families eternally through the power of the priesthood.)

Our Story, Part 18 - Ruth

2010-01-29T07:53:00.001-08:00

A few years ago we were driving in the car and out of the blue Preston said “I wonder how Ruth is doing and if she is okay.” The boys periodically ask how she is doing and wonder if she is happy, but the amazing thing about Preston asking that day was that it was actually Ruth’s birthday. I had spoken with her a few days before (Preston was unaware that she and I had talked on the phone) so I was able to give him an honest answer about her welfare (and she was having a hard time).

On Christmas Eve 2007, we were only living about a half-hour away from Ruth so we made plans to meet for dinner. The restaurant was fairly quiet so we were able to sit around a large table and just let the kids enjoy the meal and talk to Ruth. We took some pictures and the kids gave her some gifts they had made and bought, but the best part of the night was when we were all walking back to our cars after the meal. Mykel took the little girls and put them in our van, but Bryan, Cole and Preston walked with Ruth and I up the block to her parked car. It had been snowing and her windows were covered with a thick layer. The boys cleaned the snow off her car and then gave her the presents they had brought.

Cole then asked Ruth “are you lonely?” Cole is always concerned that Ruth is sad because they don’t live with her. We talk about that a lot and I try to ease their concerns by letting them know that “yes, Ruth does miss you, but she knows that you are happy and that makes her happy.” That might seem like a trite answer, but I don’t think I am the person to fully answer that question.

The other day my 6-year-old daughter Ava was looking at the pictures on my blog. Suddenly she got all excited and said “I know her! I know her! (pointing to the pictures) She is my birth mom, that is RUTH!”
The children all seem to have a special connection with Ruth, like a sixth sense to know when she is having a hard time in life or may be sad, because it seems like they will ask me questions about her during those times. I am amazed by this unbreakable bond.

I talked to Ruth before I started this blog to let her know what I was doing and if she would be okay with me using her name and her pictures. I also asked her if she ever wanted to comment on my blog that she was free to do so. I told her she can be as open and honest as she wanted to about how she felt and this is the response I received yesterday:

It is good to read Camille's blogs, to see things from her perspective, which has been healing for me. It wasn't easy placing the kids, any of them, for adoption. I wanted what was best for them; I knew that with Mykel and Camille that they would have much better, much happier lives than they would with me as a single mom. Camille and Mykel have been great about letting me see the kids, to be a part of their lives, which has also made placing the kids easier because I knew that I could still see them from time to time, that the kids weren’t totally gone, I would know how they are doing, I would never question if they were ok, if they were happy. I am glad that we have an open adoption, I am so thankful to Camille and Mykel for letting me be a part of their lives.

No, I didn’t pay her to write those things, she is honestly that sweet and kind. The amazing thing about Ruth is that I still get cards in the mail from her or e-mails and she is always thanking ME.

Here is an example of a simple, sweet note she wrote to me in November 2008:

Camille, I thank Heavenly Father for you and the kids. ~Ruth

I could never thank her enough for blessing my life so abundantly and allowing me to be a mother.

Our Story, Part 17 - "Open" adoption

2010-01-28T08:40:00.001-08:00

After Bryan came back to live with us permanently we had to figure out where the boundaries were with Ruth and how “open” we wanted this adoption to be. I have to admit that I have made many mistakes during the process of this birth parent/adoptive parent relationship, first because of my own ignorance for Ruth’s feelings and second because I listened to other people’s advice instead of listening to my gut. For a time I took the advice that “we should just move on with our lives” (which would mean not letting Ruth visit the boys). I played into that unsolicited advice when Bryan first came back because I thought it would be too confusing for Bryan. Preston and Cole were so young they really didn’t know who Ruth was compared to me. Yes they called me “mom,” but they would still go to anybody else and not worry about who was holding them or feeding them, they were just happy to be loved.

Mykel with Cole and Preston 1999

In Bryan’s case he had been back and forth between Ruth and I so many times he was probably wondering where to call home and who to call “mom.” Hindsight of course is 20/20 and I realize now that my motive for not allowing Ruth to see the boys was because of my own insecurities as their mother. I was jealous of the competition to put it bluntly. I couldn’t see at the time that Ruth was missing them terribly, especially Bryan. I mean, she had been Bryan’s mother for the first three years of his life and Valorie had a special relationship with him as his grandmother, so how can taking that all away be good for anyone? Ruth and Valorie told me they only wanted to make sure that the boys knew that they still loved them and had not abandoned them ~ who can fault them for that? As time went on distance also became a factor in how often they could visit as we lived several hours away from each other.

Out on the farm

As I explained in one of my earlier posts, this wasn’t the normal adoption or normal adoption relationship, but it was the only one we knew. People have been very complimentary about my parenting skills since I started writing this blog, but I am the first to admit that I am definitely NOT the perfect mother ~ patience is a learned skill that I am still working to achieve!

The first few years with the boys I really struggled. Contrary to popular belief, adoptive parents aren’t the perfect parents marketing ads and commercials make them out to be. Mykel and I were far from the role model parents. We had marital and financial struggles, we definitely weren’t rich, and who was to say that we were any more qualified than the next person to raise these boys? We were just blessed to cross paths at the right time with Ruth and the results of this "open" adoption relationship have been more than we could ever ask for.

Cole, Preston, Bryan and Camille (me)

Even though life was very stressful during the time before Bryan’s adoption was finalized, I have a lot of good memories with the boys. One of my favorite memories is when I would tuck them in at night, they liked me to do the “Chicken Dance” with them – we would speed up the song and dance really fast and then fall to the ground laughing. I haven’t tried that with my girls yet….and trust me, no one wants to see me dance.

I have told my children several times “parents don’t have an instruction manual about how to raise their children, we have to learn as we go along and we make mistakes.” Fortunately for me, Ruth and I were able to make things work with this “open” adoption relationship ~ the adoption of the three boys was just the beginning of this amazing journey that has been over twelve years in the making.

Our Story, Part 16 - "You got your kids the EASY way!"

2010-01-27T05:23:00.001-08:00

I didn’t post yesterday because I wanted to take some time and watch the video footage I took from when I first got all three boys. There is nothing like home videos to help you remember the little things you’ve forgotten over the years. People are right when they say kids grow up too fast. I loved seeing them so small!

Until I watched the video I hadn’t remembered that Bryan spent Easter weekend with us before he came back permanently. I knew that we spent a day or two with him (I have pictures of all three boys in the tub during that break), but I forgot that he actually got to come to our house in Ogden and stay for a while. I don’t remember what it felt like to see him leave; in fact I don’t even remember who picked him up and took him back to Ruth. I think at that point I was numb to all the coming and going. I can only imagine how confusing it was for a three-year-old.

Preston, Cole and Bryan during Easter Vacation - 1999

After Bryan came to live with us we spent the next six months getting ready for his adoption to be finalized (and adjusting to being a family of five!) We had to meet with the social worker again (luckily we had the same one so we didn’t have to answer all the probing questions this time) and complete another home study. It still felt weird to have someone watch us interact with our children to see if we were fit parents or not. Those visits were never really comfortable; tolerable, but not comfortable. I felt that if there was one thing out of place in my house or if the children did something wrong then it would lessen our possibility of the adoption being finalized. Those visits were very stressful!

But being a new mom with three little boys also brought different challenges. Because the boys were so close in age, when I had all three of them together in a grocery cart people would ask “are they triplets?” or “don’t you know what birth control is?” or “are they ALL yours?” or “Wow! They are really close in age, did you plan that?” I know people ask questions for conversation but I have learned over the years not to assume something about someone or their children because most likely you will put your foot in your mouth! (I am as guilty as the next person for doing this.)

One of my least favorite remarks people say when they hear my children are adopted is: “You got your kids the EASY way! You didn’t even have to get stretch marks!” Ohhhhhh, this one really burns me up! (People say this to me even now and it is so annoying!) For people who make this comment I really don’t want to give them the courtesy of a response, I mean, what kind of response am I going to give them except for a kick to the shin or something like that? (I want to do that, but I don’t.) I am half-tempted to just pull up my shirt and show them my nice “non-stretch mark” stomach just to make myself feel better. Okay, I would never really do that, but I think about it sometimes. And just for the record, I DO have stretch marks on my arms from carrying the boys around, so I show them those! Someone told me once (after we had been trying for several years to conceive) “you just don’t want to get pregnant because you don’t want to get fat.” That one hurt, a lot.

I would be lying if I said I didn’t long to know what it felt like to have nine months to prepare for a child that would someday have your eyes, your husband’s chin and grandpas’ nose. I wanted to feel a baby kick, feel him hiccup, see him on the ultrasound, feel my stomach expand to fit his growing body, and oh how I longed to hold a brand new baby right after birth and hear him cry for the first time.

Some days I feel robbed of those memories. I don’t have any pictures of me with my children at the hospital (I feel blessed that Ruth gave me pictures of the children when they were infants). I missed the first three years of Bryan’s life and the first eight months of Cole’s life, so I don’t know what they were like as tiny babies, if they slept all night, when they first crawled or what their first words were. But I digress.

All of those things I missed still hurt, but then I realized, I have the rest of my life together with my children to make new memories. I am the one who gets to tuck them in at night. I am the one who gets to hold them, kiss them, hug them, and read to them. I get to watch them grow up. I can’t compare my pain to Ruth’s pain – it is a completely separate entity. Her pain and loss are now my joy and future (and how is THAT fair?)

I don’t feel like complaining anymore, what else can I ask for? I get to be their mom.

Our Story, Part 15 - "Mom"

2010-01-25T08:32:00.001-08:00

When I first considered adoption, I thought I wanted a private adoption, but the more I thought about it, I didn’t even care whether it was open or not, I just wanted to be a mom. Since the first day the boys came to live with us we have tried to be as open and honest as we could about what was going on. They always had questions about Ruth and adoption in general, so I tried to answer them the best I could. Usually I would just give a simple question a simple answer, but sometimes the question would require a longer explanation.

Bryan and Camille (me) in downtown Salt Lake City - 2000

People would always give me advice (usually bad) about what I should do, such as “you shouldn’t let the kids see Ruth, it will just confuse them” or “you need to move on with your life and the kids need to move on” ~ I have to admit that I sometimes bought into this bad advice, usually because of my own insecurities and really not knowing what to do.

Bryan and Camille (me) at the Neola Rodeo - 2004

At the time I didn’t know anyone who was in an “open” adoption, or anyone who had adopted for that matter. I had no idea how I should feel or how to act about my children having a “birth” mom or if I was the “real” mom (I am not very good about the “politically correct” terms or labels people have for adoption).

There was no way to prepare for this situation and I had no guidelines or handbook to tell me what would be best for my children or our family. I just felt that if we were honest with our children they would be able to handle the situation better. Bryan and Camille (me) in 2006

For the first two weeks after Bryan came back to live with us he would only call me “Camille” – he refused to call me “mom” ~ Of course when the boys were tiny, they really didn’t care which “mom” was holding them, they were just happy with whoever was feeding them and loving them. Since Bryan was older, he understood the situation better and he had a lot of questions. I remember one conversation very distinctly. We were driving in the car and he was sitting behind me in his car seat, he was only 3 ½ at the time and had just recently came back to live with us.

Ruth, Bryan and Valorie in 2008

(Bryan's "birth mom" and "biological grandmother")

Bryan used to say to Cole and Preston; “Camille is NOT your REAL mom” (I would be lying if I said this didn’t hurt my feelings). So one day I tried to explain it to him the best I could. I told him that Ruth was his “birth mom.” He wanted to know what “birth mom” meant. I said she was his “birth mom” because she gave “birth” to him. I told him I was his “mom” because I was the person who took care of him and would be raising him. I told him Ruth would always be his birth mother and that she loved him just like I did.

Then he wanted to know about “birth” so I tried to explain in simple terms about a woman and a man creating a child (this was not easy!) I kept driving and he was quiet for a while, then he asked “then where is my birth father?” (all three of my boys have the same birth mother and birth father). Up to that point we really had only discussed his birth mother, so it was a valid question, and in his mind he only had one father, Mykel. I told him what I knew about his birth father and he asked me “tell me everything Ruth told you” (those were his exact words; he was an amazingly perceptive child). We had quite a conversation during that drive, but after I had sufficiently answered all of his questions, he seemed to be content with the answers.

After that car ride and question and answer dialogue, he started calling me “mom.”

Our Story, Part 14 - Reunited

2010-01-24T08:18:00.000-08:00

When we came back from California we decided to move to Ogden, so we were now a few hours away from Bryan and Ruth. Since we lived so far away we didn’t see each other as frequently, but we still saw Bryan at Easter and for Cole and Preston’s birthday and on several other occasions. Celebrating Preston and Cole's Birthday, April 1999

The day after Mother’s Day in May 1999, 14 months after Bryan went back to live with Ruth, she called and asked me if Bryan could come live with us. I told Ruth that if Bryan came to live with us that he was not going back (that may sound harsh, but I could not handle losing him again, and I did not want to keep confusing Bryan).

All the "boys" together for a visit (before Bryan came back)

She said Bryan kept asking to go and live with his “real family.” The year before when I had helped Ruth and Bryan move to their new apartment I gave them a picture of us (Mykel, me, Cole and Preston). Apparently it was hanging in their apartment and when Bryan would look at it, he would say it was his “real” family. I don’t know what finally changed Ruth’s mind about allowing Bryan to come back to us, but I am so glad she did,

I cannot imagine my life without my son Bryan!

The "Real Family" picture

Since we lived several hours away, I couldn’t just come and pick Bryan up right after she called. We made arrangements for my mother-in-law to pick him up and meet me the next morning. We were supposed to meet in Heber City (which was the half-way point) but I left early and drove so fast that we ended up meeting on the side of the highway. Bryan got in with me and I put all of his stuff in the back of my Jeep. For people passing by it probably looked like I was picking up my son from visiting grandma’s house, little did they know I was picking him up to be with us forever! All together again!

When I got in the car he just looked at me, looked at his brothers, and then looked straight ahead. I cannot even imagine what was going through his head at the time (I really think he was angry with me). I was just hoping he wasn’t scared of me. We started with small talk and that is when he told me he remembered living with us and when he killed the fish (I honestly couldn’t believe he remembered that, he was only 2 ½ at the time!) He also told me about his aunts and uncles and the trip he had made to the Denver Zoo. He remembered the names of the places he had visited and even remembered all of their names (and he went on this trip when he was 3).

Pictures of the boys for Father's Day 1999 (about a month after Bryan came back)

I asked him if he was hungry and he said “yes” so we decided to stop and eat at one of our favorite places ~ we call it “The Train Place.” ~ So there I was, sitting and eating hamburgers and shakes with my three sons, and it all just seemed so natural, like we were just out for a normal day together for lunch.

By the time we arrived home Bryan had warmed up considerably. We got his things unpacked and he just started running around the house and playing with his brothers, it was so wonderful to see them all together again! Mykel and I just looked at each other and smiled – we were now the parents of three boys, all under the age of 3 ½.

Life was good!

Our Story, Part 13 - "Decree of Adoption"

2010-01-23T08:13:00.000-08:00

In November 1998, seven months after Preston came to live with us, and 11 months after Cole came to live with us, their adoptions were finalized. It had been less than one year since that Thanksgiving day when my dad asked me if I was interested in adoption, and here we were, now the parents of two amazing little boys!

"Finalization day!"

(Our attorney was standing between us, but I had to cut him out because I don't have permission to use his picture)

The language of the “Decree of Adoption” is short but very powerful ~
(the following is a small portion)

“… previously known as Baby B, is hereby declared adopted by Mykel and Camille Henrie as their child and hereafter he shall be regarded and treated in all respects as their natural and lawful child and there shall exist between said parties all of the rights, benefits and privileges instant to that parent/child relationship, together with all responsibilities and duties of a parent to their child and of child to his parents.”

The day after finalization at a party with our family.

“That petitioners (us) shall hereafter jointly share the relationship of parents to said children and shall have all of the rights, and shall be subject to all of the duties and responsibilities of that relationship. That said minor adoptive children shall have all of the rights, and be subject to all of the duties and responsibilities of the parent/child relationship.”

At a restaurant in California on Christmas Day 1998

The adoption finalization before a judge only lasts a few minutes ~ You raise your right hand and answer questions about why the children should be allowed to be adopted by you, why you want to adopt them and you swear to be a responsible and good parent.

(Shouldn’t ALL parents be required to answer these questions?)
After the adoptions were finalized, it was if an entire new part of my heart was opened up to the boys that had been closed before. I (unknowingly) hadn’t allowed myself to fully and completely love them because I was so afraid of losing them. They were finally “mine” in the sense that they couldn’t legally be taken away again;

Mykel and I were now their “real parents” (if there is such a thing).

Our first Christmas morning together!

We moved to California as soon as the adoptions were finalized. We were only there for a few short months, but we enjoyed our first Christmas together, feeding seagulls on the beach together, and getting stares and rude comments for “having our children so close together.”

We didn’t stay in California for very long though…the possibility of Bryan joining our family would be much easier realized if lived closer to Ruth, so we moved back and that possibility became a reality a few short months later.

Our Story, Part 12 - Six month wait

2010-01-21T21:21:00.000-08:00

A few days after we got Preston back I was standing in line at the store holding him (he was one-month-old) with Cole (1-year-old, they are only 11 ½ months apart in age), and the lady standing next to me said “oh let me see your baby” ~ so I show her, and then she asks “how old is he?” and I say “about one month” and then she looks me up and down and says, “WOW, you look great for just having a baby!” I just smiled ~ and thanked her. One of my favorite reactions (when someone I know would see me holding a new baby) was “I had no idea you were pregnant!” I would just laugh and say “neither did I!”

Camille (me) with Cole and Preston visiting with my brother Kelly

There were so many people placed in our path to allow this amazing journey to take place. One very important person was our attorney (I haven’t asked to use his name, so I won’t). He has been the attorney on all five of our adoptions and he is one of the most charitable people I have ever met.

When Mykel and I first wanted to adopt, our attorney met with us individually and interviewed us about why we wanted to adopt, what our background was, etc. We also discussed the fee schedule for a private adoption (we didn’t have any money saved because before we got our boys we had only been contemplating adoption for about one month). We agreed on attorney fees (which were very minimal compared to normal adoption fees). I later found out (because I worked in the same office as he did at that time) that all the money we paid to our attorney he donated to a victim reparations fund (a fund to buy toys and teddy bears for police officers to give to child victims of sexual abuse).

Our attorney has a very demanding schedule and his time is worth a lot, yet he was always there anytime we needed him (without having to pay a fee!) He is just ONE of the many amazing examples of selfless people who have helped us along the way.

Out with the boys for a picnic

According to the laws of our state, an adoption can be finalized six months after placement, not date of relinquishment, which means, the adoption could be finalized six months from the date Preston was first placed with us (if relinquishment requirements are met). Even though Cole had already been with us for four months at this point, we decided to finalize both adoptions at the same time (November). Now we just had to wait.

Three brothers together for a visit

(even though Bryan lived with Ruth at the time, and I had Cole and Preston)

In the interim we were able to help Ruth and Bryan get set up in a new apartment in a different town (only 30 minutes from where we were). We saw Bryan on several occasions over the next six months (my parents and siblings were even invited to his birthday party). At this point Mykel and I wanted a new start somewhere else. We looked for jobs in California and a few days after Cole and Preston’s adoptions were finalized, we moved (again)!

Our Story, Part 11 – Time to put the crib back up!

2010-01-19T20:36:00.000-08:00

When Mykel and I arrived home early in the morning after our long drive there was a message on our answering machine. The message was from my mother, she called to tell me that Preston was at her house and that she would keep him there until we got home! Apparently Preston had cried the entire time he was gone (I later thanked him for that) and Ruth decided it would be better if he lived with us, so he came back to stay!

Preston and Camille in 1998 (I told you my hair kept getting shorter!)

As I mentioned before, all of us were new to this “open” adoption scenario. Ruth and I were both walking on eggshells trying not to say anything to offend each other and sometimes we didn't even know what to say or how to act. I know she was doing her best with the entire chaotic situation as she had the hardest decision to make.

Here we were, two women, linked together through this ongoing course of life-changing events. I know that our meeting each other was not by chance, Heavenly Father had a plan for both of us.

Ruth and Camille (me) in 2001 meeting to celebrate Ruth's birthday

As I mentioned in my last post, I wasn’t mad at Ruth for taking Preston back (of course I was sad but both of us were sad). I knew that she had felt pressure from her family, her neighbors, and church members and probably even us to place the baby for adoption. When Ruth made the decision for Preston to be placed with us the second time, I felt like it was more of her decision and that she felt at peace with it this time. I cannot speak for her and how she felt, so I asked her if I could use her words in my blog.

Preston in 1998 (he picked this picture to put on the blog)

The following is a letter Ruth (my children’s birth mother) sent to me in 2001 after she came and had a visit with the boys:

(used by permission from the author)

“I am glad Bryan did okay with the visit. I would like to see the boys whenever it is good for you. After I met you, I knew those boys were for you. Right before I moved to Utah, I prayed about adoption for the boys because I knew that I couldn’t take care of them and give them a complete family that they needed to reach their full potential. So I prayed and fasted. No answer came as if it were the right thing to place them.

I had looked into LDS Social Services and read over papers with families’ stories and pictures. They looked like nice families but none of them felt right. Neighbors knew me, knew my story and that I wanted to place Cole and the unborn baby (Preston). So they introduced me to several couples, but none of them seemed right either. A week or two passed after starting my prayers and fast. I went to the refrigerator one day for something and the words “they don’t belong to you” came into my head.

Things were not going real well with me trying to take care of the boys, different little things happened, and my mom knew and was concerned. One day, she came out to Colorado from Vernal where she had already moved. She convinced me to go and we packed my stuff and I moved out there, which wasn’t very fun.

One day I was doing loads of laundry at my mom’s house, going back and forth to switch loads and then back to my house to check on “Mikey” (Cole) who was sleeping. It had gotten icy out on my porch. I went inside my house to get my keys and to make a very quick trip to the mail box when a thought came to me not to go back out the door down the icy stairs. I thought “if I throw salt on it, it will be okay,” but I was wrong, the table salt did nothing, boy was I dumb. I fell. I yelled and hoped my mom (who lived across the sidewalk) would hear me. She didn’t. A neighbor who was leaving her place saw me, went and got my mom and some other neighbors to help. They got me up because I couldn’t on my own. My mom took me to the hospital. My left ankle was x-rayed and declared broken. My brother and sister watched the boys while I was gone.

My mom watched the boys, and it was during that time that I met you and Mykel. I felt at peace with you, like I had known you before. My mom struggled with watching the boys. Watching her struggle and knowing that I couldn’t take care of them while I had a broken leg, I thought harder about adoption. I prayed one night and I said. “Heavenly Father, if these boys don’t belong to me, then who do they belong to?” That moment yours and Mykel’s face came into my mind and I knew they were for you and everything else made sense.

I told my mom and the next day she worked everything out with you. Having the boys leave was hard and in a sense there was peace of mind knowing that they were where they were supposed to be. I am glad that through Heavenly Father I was able to bless your and Mykel’s lives. Thank you for letting me see them and to know them.”

~Ruth

Our Story, Part 10 - "There is nothing as constant as change"

2010-01-18T06:18:00.000-08:00

When Bryan and Cole came to live with us in December, Cole’s given name was “Michael Joshua” and his nickname was “Mikey” – we called him “Mikey” for the first two months or so, I liked the name “Michael” but not necessarily his nickname and besides, my husband’s name is “Mykel” and I didn’t want him to have to share a name (I had always looked forward to having kids, choosing a name, painting the nursery…etc. so changing his name was one thing I actually COULD do, so I did)!

Cole and Preston

I already had several boy names picked out and written in my journal from when I was 11-years-old. One of my favorites was “Cole” and since it kind of fit with his old name “My-Cole” (and because of his dark brown eyes) it worked. One day we just started calling him Cole and he didn’t even skip a beat, he just went with it. It is funny now because every once in a while the boys will ask “what was my FIRST name?”

During this time there was so much going on behind the scenes so to speak. We had moved twice in the last six months. The first move was right after Cole and Bryan were placed with us because we needed some more space. After Bryan went back, I really couldn’t stand to be in THAT house anymore, and even though we only lived there for about six weeks, we moved again, so we were in a different house when the baby was born. Ruth had originally named the baby “Austin MacKenzie” but from the moment he came to me, he was Preston Luke (he was named after a childhood friend of mine who had always been so nice to me).

Camille (Me) holding Preston

After everyone left, I walked back in the house to look at Preston sleeping in his car seat. He was so content and slept so soundly I didn’t want to even wake him, (even though I was dying to pick him up and hold him!), instead I just brushed the back of my fingers against his warm cheek and felt him breathing. Then, I got my video camera out to capture the moment on film to make sure this wasn’t a dream.

(Preston loves watching that video).

When I spoke to Mykel earlier to let him know Preston was on his way, he said he wanted to be the first one to change him, so I let him. Mykel got home from work a few hours after Preston arrived and he was still dirty from work but he didn’t care, he just wanted to see his new son. I love the memory of Mykel changing Preston’s clothes that first time. Mykel wrapped Preston up like a mummy and fed him, and from then on, that was how Preston preferred to sleep and be fed.

At this point in the adoption, Ruth had relinquished her parental rights for Cole, but not for Preston, so again I was just in “baby-sitter” mode. I never knew from day to day if she would change her mind. She and I spoke almost daily and finally on Mother’s Day (Preston had only been with me for a few weeks at that point) she said she wasn’t sure if she wanted to place him. I told her that if she wanted him back then she needed to let me know right now. She said she wanted him back. I wasn’t mad that she wanted him back because I knew her heart was breaking as well. I just had to have a decision one way or the other, it was too hard not knowing.

I packed up all of his clothes, his food, and his toys; I took down his crib and packed up every thing in my house that had even a slight memory of Preston, and he went back. I took Cole over to my mom’s house and told her that Mykel and I were going for a drive and needed some time to be alone. We drove for hours and hours and eventually ended up in another state, I couldn’t go back home yet knowing that Preston wasn't there.

Our Story, Part 9 - The Baby Arrives!

2010-01-17T07:51:00.001-08:00

Sometimes when I tell this story it is hard for people to believe how things happened (it was unbelievable to me!) I mean, USUALLY adoptive parents get a call from a social worker or from the adoption agency telling them that they have been chosen or selected by a birth mother to be the parents, and then they get a time frame of when the baby will be born, they have time to buy baby supplies, chose a name and hopefully are prepared with the necessities by the time the baby is born. That is not how it happened for us, but seriously, is anyone really ever prepared to be a parent, no matter what the circumstances are?

Even now when I talk to women who are expecting and are stressing that they only have “two more months before the baby is born” and “they just aren’t ready yet” I secretly roll my eyes and want to say “how about an hour, how about 15 minutes, or how about no time to prepare at all???”

I am not complaining though because I am not a very patient person

~ so 15 minutes notice was great for me!

Our little family - 1998

Cole had just awakened from his nap and he and I were in the kitchen eating lunch when the doorbell rang. Ruth (birth mother), Valorie (biological grandmother), and Bryan (sibling) all showed up at my house as promised about 15 minutes after I got the phone call about placing the new baby with us. How does one prepare for this situation?

I don’t remember exactly what was said, I know we talked for a while and I asked about his feeding and sleeping schedule, what he liked and disliked, etc…

Ruth and I were sitting on the couch talking when Bryan came up to me and asked me to read him a book. I found a book he liked and he climbed on my lap and we read together for about 20 minutes (oh how I missed him!) When it was time to leave they brought in a box of formula, baby clothes and his necessities.

All of us were crying when it came time to say goodbye. Bryan held onto my leg and said he wanted to stay with me which made the situation even harder. It is one of those vivid memories where you can remember sensory details such as smells (lunch and baby formula), colors (dark paneling on the walls and blue carpet that made everything feel so dark and sad), touch (the cold of the April afternoon) and sight (the picture of Ruth walking away with tears in her eyes).

Mykel and Preston

I can’t describe my feelings at that moment in time; here she was giving me her baby boy to love and care for and while I was on the receiving end of this amazing selfless act and my heart filled with joy, Ruth’s heart was being ripped apart.

I think I was pretty numb with everything that had just happened; there really is no way to explain it.

Amazingly, the tiny newborn slept soundly in his car seat, oblivious to what was going on, through this entire exchange.

Our Story, Part 8 – Fifteen Minutes Notice!

2010-01-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

Ruth was due in April and we already knew she would be having a boy. Ruth and I had spent several hours talking and I knew that she wanted to take the baby home. I did not want to pressure her about placing the baby (she had already placed one beautiful little boy with me). She had asked me if I wanted to come to the hospital and have dinner with her after the baby was born (she delivered at a small local hospital and they give the parents a nice dinner before they leave the hospital). It is funny how smells conjure up memories, because now whenever I smell baked carrots I get déjà vu about that hospital meal.

Bryan with his new little brother at the hospital, April 1998

Ruth and I spent the evening talking and by the time I left to go home, I knew Mykel and I wouldn’t be taking a baby home from the hospital. I would be lying if I didn’t say my heart was crushed, but who was I to try to make my pain any more important than hers?

We were able to see the baby in the hospital and of course he was completely perfect. He had a shock of black hair and his little red lips and the shape of his mouth reminded me of Mykel….

I have a vivid picture of Mykel cradling him in his arms and rocking him….and oh how we longed to bring him home with us.

I guess I always pictured motherhood/adoption like a Hollywood movie, you know the scene where everything works out perfectly and the happy couple leave the hospital with their newborn…all smiles, but that was not to be (at least not the hospital scene).

During the next few weeks I saw Ruth on several occasions. We went and visited my mom and my mother-in-law together and we went out to lunch. I even had the opportunity to go to her house and hold Preston and get him dressed once (he was so tiny and soft!).

A few weeks later I was at home with Cole (he had just turned one) when I got a phone call from the boys’ biological grandma. It was early afternoon and Mykel was at work, Cole was sleeping and I was doing some laundry. She asked if we still wanted to adopt the baby, and again without hesitation I quickly said YES!!!

She said “we will bring him over in 15 minutes.” I started screaming and dancing around (after I hung up the phone of course!) I think I cleaned my entire house during that 15 minute wait!

I tried to call Mykel at work but he was out on location and had to be reached via satellite phone, when I finally got a hold of him I started crying and said “guess what?? We are getting another son, he is on his way here!”

Our Story, Part 7 - From Zero, to Two, to One!

2010-01-14T06:15:00.000-08:00

Well in less than two months we went from being childless, to two children to one child. What a crazy emotional roller coaster we were riding, sometimes I just wanted to get off so I could stop spinning!

My son Bryan, (who is 14 now and reads my blog) read my entry yesterday and said “that is all I get, one short sentence for the whole time I was gone?” I had to chuckle a little bit. I told him I would be adding more as I continue on through the story. I hope everyone isn’t getting bored.

Cole with his aunt Dani

Since we didn’t have very many baby supplies (Ruth had given me Cole’s crib and most of his baby clothes but I still didn’t even have a high chair, I had been feeding Cole on my lap) some neighbors of mine planned a baby shower for me.

I still get emotional thinking about how grateful I am that these women did this for me,

it meant SO much!

At the baby shower with Cole, February 1998

The baby shower invitations stated:
“A baby shower for Camille Henrie and her new sons!”
and also mentioned clothes sizes for Bryan, Cole, and a newborn ~ but by the actual date of the baby shower, Bryan had already gone back to live with Ruth and it was unclear if Ruth still wanted to place the baby with us. I was grateful someone even thought about giving me a baby shower at that point, especially because Cole wasn’t even officially “mine” yet.

Camille and Cole - These pictures were taken February 12, 1998

I cherished all the time I was able to spend with Cole for those few months.

Bryan even came to Cole’s first birthday party in April even though he lived with Ruth at the time (Ruth and I talked quite often and went out to lunch, so it wasn't weird that Bryan came, he was just a natural extension of our little family).

Throughout the ten year process of adopting all five of our children, this was the only time we had only one child. (Preston would be born before Cole reached his first birthday; they are officially the same age for 10 days!)

It felt weird having only one child, but I didn’t get too comfortable, things were about to change again.